Unsupportive spouse...

RebelRunFarm · #1 05/12/14, 07:16 PM

Ever have to remind yourself to just keep going? That its all worth it but you've just got to keeping moving because if you stop you'll quit.

bigjon · #2 05/12/14, 07:46 PM

every day.................

fffarmergirl · #3 05/12/14, 07:51 PM

You only live once - if you get to that point you really need to cut back. Take time to smell the roses.

lmrose · #4 05/12/14, 09:22 PM

Farming has been our way of life for many years so we never think of quitting. But we have down sized since there are only two of us instead of six! When there was six the four kids didn't like all the work. So they grew up and work in different ways now. At the worse for us was when the oldest two let it be known just how much they hated country life. Funny thing is they sure liked to eat! They still like to eat when they come to visit.Kids are a bit different than a spouse who won't help because at least the kids grow up and leave home!

Seth · #5 05/12/14, 09:56 PM

I reminded my unsupportive spouse to just keep going. She did. It was a good day. Seth

RebelRunFarm · #6 05/12/14, 10:34 PM

I love my husband but I need help and I can't make him understand that. He works full time and I stay home. I just can't handle 26 acres 2 kids 5 horses all the dogs goats chickens, house work, yard work, garden and canning. I love love love this lifestyle and don't want to change it I just can't do it all on my own anymore. Mostly just needed to vent. Thanks guys.

Freya · #7 05/12/14, 10:45 PM

{{{{{{{{{{{{{RebelRunFarm}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

RebelRunFarm · #8 05/12/14, 10:49 PM

Thank you!!!

Freya · #9 05/12/14, 10:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RebelRunFarm

I love my husband but I need help and I can't make him understand that. He works full time and I stay home. I just can't handle 26 acres 2 kids 5 horses all the dogs goats chickens, house work, yard work, garden and canning. I love love love this lifestyle and don't want to change it I just can't do it all on my own anymore. Mostly just needed to vent. Thanks guys.

If hubby is not helpful and kids can't help more and you are looking to stay married... can you re-prioritize? Cut out one or more things that are causing the most stress. Slim it down. Don't give yourself a stroke! For example, do you need 5 horses? Do you have too many goats? Too many dogs? Can you let some of the yard go or have animals mow it down? Can you find a friend(s) to have bulk canning parties with? Freeze produce to can in the winter when you have more time? Figure out new systems for house work?

Would hubby go to couples therapy? Respond well to an "ultimatum"?

Have you ever wrote down a list of EVERYTHING you do and the amount of $$$ it would take to pay someone to do it, plus the number of hours you put in on it all and then showed it to him and asked him if he thought that was fair?

Does he come from a family where mom did everything and was expected to do it all with a smile?

Figure out what you can do to release the "bottleneck" before stress causes you to "explode".

Seth · #10 05/12/14, 11:01 PM

Freya, Righteous Word.

geo in mi · #11 05/13/14, 07:03 AM

Can't really advise you, my spouse is deceased. But it should be an equal team effort, or it will probably fail.

geo

motdaugrnds · #12 05/13/14, 07:39 AM

Freya is right on!

I would not focus on your spouse so much as yourself. Your spouse has a right to make his own decisions as to what he will and will not do at home. At work your spouse must please employer. At home spouse needs to tend to "family". Then all over this is his time/energy. Sorry if this sounds harsh; however, you have that same right!

I hear you saying you and your spouse agreed YOU would be the one staying home while spouse works for outside employer. Then it is up to you to make decisions as to what you can and cannot do. If you have a loving/responsible spouse, expecting him to do more than he does at home is silly! Maybe it is time for a sit-down discussion with all living in your home. Laying out what is to be done to maintain the status quo would be important and laying out how much of it you can do is also important. Let all know there needs to be some changes made and tell them what you are considering as change. Get their input; and if they are wanting to keep whatever project around your home that is more than you can handle, let them know the only way it can be maintained is if they help. Then get an agreement as to HOW they will help right down to the emptying/cleaning of a water bucket.....

The point about all this is to keep yourself healthy and happy as is everyone's right; and it is ok to let your entire family know this is what you will be doing.

**Terri** · #13 05/13/14, 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RebelRunFarm

Ever have to remind yourself to just keep going? That its all worth it but you've just got to keeping moving because if you stop you'll quit.

On year when I had been sick I DID stop working outside, and by the end of summer I was missing my projects terribly!

So, the next year I scaled back from what it had been but I still had my projects going. My garden is 1/3 the size that it was, I planted miniature fruit trees after the electric company paid us to change their right of way (my fruit trees were in the new right of way and so they removed them), I no longer sell at the Farmer's Market (Though the guys probably will this summer, after a 10 year break) and so forth and so on.

I now treat homesteading as light entertainment instead of as a project to be worked on. There still is, after all, families to be cared for and cars that break down and unexpected things to deal with. It is easier now that I no longer preserve or sell the blackberry harvest: I simply eat what I wish of it.

and then I buy my winter fruit in the store.

We all get older and my health is not what I would like it to be, and nobody else cares at ALL! But homesteading is in my heart. I would far rather scale back than quit!

Laura Zone 10 · #14 05/13/14, 07:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RebelRunFarm

Ever have to remind yourself to just keep going? That its all worth it but you've just got to keeping moving because if you stop you'll quit.

Yes, every single minute of every single day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RebelRunFarm

I love my husband but I need help and I can't make him understand that. He works full time and I stay home. I just can't handle 26 acres 2 kids 5 horses all the dogs goats chickens, house work, yard work, garden and canning. I love love love this lifestyle and don't want to change it I just can't do it all on my own anymore. Mostly just needed to vent. Thanks guys.

For me to be able to comment intelligently, a little backround would be amazing.

1. 26 acres, 5 horses, goats, chickens, dogs.
Was this all 'your' idea, or was this a 'combined' dream you and your dh shared, or was this all 'his' idea.

2. (2) Kids. How old are they?

3. House work. How many square feet are you keeping?

4. Yard work. Are you talking mowing, trimming, flower planting?

5. Garden and Canning. How big is your garden, whatcha growin, and what do you can?

AND you shouldn't have to do it alone.
Marriage is a partnership.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RebelRunFarm

Thank you!!!

I hope to hear back from you!!

**Terri** · #15 05/13/14, 07:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RebelRunFarm

I love my husband but I need help and I can't make him understand that. He works full time and I stay home. I just can't handle 26 acres 2 kids 5 horses all the dogs goats chickens, house work, yard work, garden and canning. I love love love this lifestyle and don't want to change it I just can't do it all on my own anymore. Mostly just needed to vent. Thanks guys.

Alternatives:

1. Freezing is easier than canning. Or, 2. buy your winter vegetables. Or 3.draft the kids so that they may also learn to can: When I was half grown my job was to pick and deliver to the kitchen while Mom ran the canner. Later my job was to wash and peel to get the produce ready while the younger kids picked and my Mom ran the canner. Mom always discouraged us squealing on each other, excepting if one of us kids was picking while the other was goofing off my Mom allowed us to squeal on the idle person. Besides she noticed if the produce quit coming!

The years while the kids are small should be good ones. If you are too busy, then cut back on the garden or turn to permaculture. Can a little less. Spend hot afternoons with the kids at the pool or take them out for ice cream when they have been working hard.

Lastly, to give you a chance to stay caught up, plan on an instant meal at least once a week. We had one of ours last night: roast beef and microwaved potatos. I seasoned the meat with garlic salt and pepper and I cooked in on the outside gas grill so that there was no pan to clean. I did NOT make gravy, as the point was to be able to serve a meal with almost no work. Because, homesteaders and parents get tired but people want to eat EVERY night!

Because my family has no interest in helping unless something is too heavy for me to to lift, I scaled back a bit and I plan ahead to make my own breaks. omesteading was my dream, not theirs. I help them with their dreams just a bit and they help me with my dreams just a bit, and it does MOSTLY work out.

Twobottom · #16 05/13/14, 08:06 AM

Cut back to 2 horses and tell your husband he has to do some yard work.

grandma12703 · #17 05/13/14, 08:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lmrose

Farming has been our way of life for many years so we never think of quitting. But we have down sized since there are only two of us instead of six! When there was six the four kids didn't like all the work. So they grew up and work in different ways now. At the worse for us was when the oldest two let it be known just how much they hated country life. Funny thing is they sure liked to eat! They still like to eat when they come to visit.Kids are a bit different than a spouse who won't help because at least the kids grow up and leave home!

First of all most kids, not all, but a good number of them don't like the work, however as they get older a lot of times back to the love of farm and home they come. You say they work in different ways well someday they will realize and admit that working on that farm is a lot of the reason they know how to work and be responsible. So good job to both you and your husband on that.

Sometimes I have to knudge my DH (he also works a 8-5)a little to get him helping out again. I have a tendency as I am sure you do to just get it done. I believe sometimes he doesn't even realize I need the help. Sometimes he goes out on suggestion to muck stalls or clean the barn and he is huffin and puffin and sweatin and says something like, man I am tired. I just keep on moving but say loud enough .....welcome to my world. Usually he is quiet for awhile but then starts kicking in again until the next time. Sometimes we make it too easy and honestly I think if we don't ask they are ok with just letting us do it.

I have learned to really analyze the farm. What makes it easier for me? I have had him set up something and then I tell him to readjust since I am the one that has to be able to handle/do it. There are lots of things to adjust to make life eaiser. One thing we are different on is canning. It is like therapy to me. I love doing it, it relieves my stress. Sometimes I have to readjust my thinking and remember that I love this life no matter what. I don't have to sit in an office for 9 hours a day any longer and I am healthier, happier, and more content than ever.

On that note: Even though I love it I know there is a limit. Find yours and adjust your farm accordingly. If he doesn't want you selling things then tell him to get his hind end out there and help.

RebelRunFarm · #18 05/13/14, 09:34 AM

I have two boys five and a year old, five year old loves to help and the baby is no trouble. I'm so blessed there. The horses and the 23 acres are my husbands. I have two goats and 12 free range hens. Not sure how big the garden is and I grow mostly tomatoes for salsa, spaghetti sauce, ketchup, soups and such. He sees the garden and canning as my hobby (which it is) but it makes up a HUGE part of our grocery budget. Yard work is mowing and weedeating (with a push mower). Like I said I just needed to vent, no divorce or therapy.

grandma12703 · #19 05/13/14, 09:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RebelRunFarm

I have two boys five and a year old, five year old loves to help and the baby is no trouble. I'm so blessed there. The horses and the 23 acres are my husbands. I have two goats and 12 free range hens. Not sure how big the garden is and I grow mostly tomatoes for salsa, spaghetti sauce, ketchup, soups and such. He sees the garden and canning as my hobby (which it is) but it makes up a HUGE part of our grocery budget. Yard work is mowing and weedeating (with a push mower). Like I said I just needed to vent, no divorce or therapy.

We all need to vent sometimes. I am serious though try to find ways and set ups to make it all easier for you. It is amazing how a little adjustment here and there will help. I am known to go out with a pencil and paper and sketch out an idea I have about how to make it all run smoother. A new fence here, a panel there, homeade winter insulated watering buckets inside wood containers, and so much more. That is half my fun out here.

hiddensprings · #20 05/13/14, 10:08 AM

Goodness, I cant' imagine trying to get everything done with little ones around. I know when I watch my two grandchildren (7 and 11 months) I totally try to get everything done before they come over. My grandson is great He can help feed the animals and love to be around them. My granddaughter is 11 months old and a drama queen. She doen't like the animals, want to be held non-stop and make it impossible to milk goats. So, I suppose what I am saying is to cut yourself some slack. Don't be hard on yourself. Your children are the most important and you get the other things done around their needs. And, don't forget yourself. You need some time for yourself. Even if it is 30 minutes to relax in the shower or tub. Hubby needs to step up and make sure you get YOUR time