Kids at Funeral

Classof66 · #1 02/20/13, 09:53 AM

I saw an interesting obituary this morning. It was for a baby that passed shortly after birth. It was beautifully written and I feel very sad for the family. In the details of the service, they are having a funeral and have asked that no children under 10 attend.

I read a lot of obituaries, and I have never seen this request before. Personally, I think it is a good idea, and if i had young children and was attending this funeral, I would probably not bring them, unless it was someone very close to them, like a grandparent. We are supposed to be getting bad weather and the baby will be buried in a little remote country cemetery, which is probably going to be difficult also. My heart goes out to the family.

What do you think?

MullersLaneFarm · #2 02/20/13, 09:57 AM

My 2.5 yo granddaughter attended the visitation, rosary, mass & funeral of her great-grandpa last fall. She sat quietly, held her rosary when everyone else was saying the rosary, looked through her children's picture Bible during the mass.

She was much better behaved than a lot of people of all ages.

I think it depends on the child and their manners.

mekasmom · #3 02/20/13, 10:20 AM

I think if "manners" is all they are worried about then the request is out of order. If it is that they don't want children upset by a corpse, then the request is still out of order because the parents of the child are the ones to make that decision.
I do understand what it is like to loose a baby. We lost an infant son. And I know that they want the service to honor the infant instead of having other children running around, upsetting the grieving mother or dishonoring the infant. I do understand. But the request is still out of order IMO. You don't honor your child by dishonoring the presence of other children.
IMO, it is never proper to exclude children from anywhere unless the parents themselves make that choice.

WestWindFarm · #4 02/20/13, 10:23 AM

I am going to be honest here! I was raised old school Irish Catholic and I am appaled to see they way some parent's allow their children to behave during mass. They give their children food, coloring books, ect. What happened to teaching our children about respect and most importantly religious values? or any values for that matter.

I think requesting children to be omitted from a funeral is a good idea especially because you never know how even the best behaved child will be that day. I speak as a parent with an awesome baby and there are days I dont know what to do with him.

grandma12703 · #5 02/20/13, 10:27 AM

That is a tough one and people feel differently but from the standpoint of a child who was 3 almost 4 when her father died and was not allowed to attend his service I feel like they should be allowed to. It hurts me to think I wasn't there and it hurts when people say I was to young to know him...Hogwash...I watched my kids with DH and at 1 they knew there father. That is the adults in the families job to keep those memories alive by talking often about the deceased whether it be a parent or grandparent.

If it is not a close person to those children I think no, probably not but if it is a close relative or friend absolutely. Those kids need closure as well. Believe me the kids feel the hurt everyone else is feeling and they need to cope as well.

homemaid · #6 02/20/13, 10:40 AM

I have mixed feeling on this. Some children would do fine behavior wise but not mentally. It would be a personal call per child. But if they request no children then honor their wishes. I know from experience a child at age 8 that was very well behaved. He was present at the hospital when his grandpa passed. When we got to the funeral home for the first viewing he stopped dead still in the doorway. He looked at his mom she said its ok I told you we were going to the funeral home. And he replied yes but you didn't tell me it was grandpa. He was so shocked.

grandma12703 · #7 02/20/13, 10:42 AM

I re read the opening post and think maybe having children there would be to painful. I am not sure but I think it could perhaps be a different circumstance as to why they prefer children not be present.

Everyone has their own right to how they feel but I need to say as someone else posted to raise your children so that they know how to act when in church or other functions. I would have never blinked an eye at taking any of my children anywhere. They were always well behaved and I believe in some instances like my grandfathers funeral they were helpful and were able to give much needed hugs to some people where any other hug would not have worked. JMO

lexa · #8 02/20/13, 10:52 AM

could it be that parents of the baby do not want a reminder of what their child would not become?

grandma12703 · #9 02/20/13, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mekasmom

I think if "manners" is all they are worried about then the request is out of order. If it is that they don't want children upset by a corpse, then the request is still out of order because the parents of the child are the ones to make that decision.
I do understand what it is like to loose a baby. We lost an infant son. And I know that they want the service to honor the infant instead of having other children running around, upsetting the grieving mother or dishonoring the infant. I do understand. But the request is still out of order IMO. You don't honor your child by dishonoring the presence of other children.
IMO, it is never proper to exclude children from anywhere unless the parents themselves make that choice.

I think everyone handles the grief differently and may I say I am very sorry for your personal loss. I do agree with the other poster who says it is the wishes of the parents of the infant who they want at the service. They may not be as strong as you are and perhaps the presence of other children could do some serious damage to mom or perhaps dad.

This topic really doesn't have a right or wrong answer as everything I have read has merit in its own way and own circumstances.

mekasmom · #10 02/20/13, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by grandma12703

maybe having children there would be too painful

I think that is probably the main reason for the request too. When you loose a child/infant everytime you see another child all those feelings of "why me?", and how unfair it is just bubble to the surface. "Why didn't Jesus let my baby live when He let that child live?"
Plus this is your baby. You want the whole service to completely honor the child you love so much. You become offended at the slightest little thing so easily if you feel it dishonors your child. I really do understand all the emotions because I lived through them. They take months to pass, and some people never get past them.
But it is a funeral in a public church. You can't just tell people not to bring their children. That's just not right.

winemaker · #11 02/20/13, 10:55 AM

Would you want to see someone with a newborn baby in their arms, while your baby is in a casket? It would be very hard not to lose it.

SteveD(TX) · #12 02/20/13, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mekasmom

I think that is probably the main reason for the request too. When you loose a child/infant everytime you see another child all those feelings of "why me?", and how unfair it is just bubble to the surface. "Why didn't Jesus let my baby live when He let that child live?"
Plus this is your baby. You want the whole service to completely honor the child you love so much. You become offended at the slightest little thing so easily if you feel it dishonors your child. I really do understand all the emotions because I lived through them. They take months to pass, and some people never get past them.
But it is a funeral in a public church. You can't just tell people not to bring their children. That's just not right.

I strongly disagree. I've been at a funeral where a hysterical toddler absolutely ruined the service for everyone. Unfortunately, the parent waited too long to remove him. This really upset the immediate family members present.

The family has every right to make this request, since even "well-behaved" kids have their "moments".

Tommyice · #13 02/20/13, 11:18 AM

If the family requests no children, then no children should be there. They have their reasons--doesn't really matter if your child would get a gold medal for good behavior. This is what the grieving family requests.

After burying 8 family members in less than 5 years, I can tell you that a wake is not for the person being buried. It's for the surviving loved ones. Their wishes at a time like this are paramount to whatever someone else feels is proper or improper.

At my late brother's wake, a family member was showing pictures of her new grandchild to other family members in the row right behind my mother. It did not go unnoticed by Mom. At home, privately, she said to me how upsetting it was for her--knowing her son would never be a father and give her a grandchild.

haypoint · #14 02/20/13, 11:32 AM

Maybe a funeral for a baby would be different, perhaps scary for kids. Kids understand old people die, but that is kind of young to accept that they may die tomorrow.

But, I think some kids "get it". Please watch this and tell me if kids understand death.

Sonshe · #15 02/20/13, 11:39 AM

Is it any more "wrong" to request no children at a funeral than it is at a wedding? Just wondering

lathermaker · #16 02/20/13, 11:43 AM

I've been to several family funerals where one cousin insisted on bringing her undisciplined kids, standing in the front row and basically ruining a beautiful service. Her brat was screaming about wanting to go to McDonalds while they were presenting the flag to my Aunt at the grave site. Taps was being played live in the background. At yet another service, her brats ran down the middle aisle of the church while the Priest was blessing the casket. There are plenty of social situations that aren't suitable for children. Leave the kids at home! ...unless they are a child of the deceased...LEAVE THEM HOME!

GrammaBarb · #17 02/20/13, 12:02 PM

I lost a good friend a few months ago. I lost my husband a year ago and my father two years ago. I am getting *WAY* too much experience with funerals and memorial services. So my take, based on personal experience and my natural Libertarian leanings is this:

Living people are in deep pain. A part of their life has been ripped away, perhaps for no apparent reason. Their needs and requests need to be respected, and if that means no children present, then fine; leave the kids with a sitter or at home. "But it's just not right", you might say......to which I would reply, "So?"

Please remember---"It Is Not About You!" It's not about you, or your kids, or anyone else except the family of the deceased, and respect for their wishes.

And having said that (and I truly believe it), I should say that I also believe that children should "rub shoulders with the concept of death", much like people did only a few generations ago. Death was more a part of living when it was (sadly) a more common (less antiseptic) experience. However, that is by far secondary to the wishes of the immediate family involved.

Just, as ever, my opinion, offered at no charge and undoubtedly worth it....

Barb

mekasmom · #18 02/20/13, 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by winemaker

Would you want to see someone with a newborn baby in their arms, while your baby is in a casket? It would be very hard not to lose it.

BTDT. I know. I sobbed my heart out when I saw a little boy who was born the exact same day as our son in the same hospital.... more than once. But I wouldn't single out their children as not welcome anywhere I was at. It's just a matter of right and wrong. You don't exclude people.

theemon · #19 02/20/13, 12:20 PM

have you ever been in a similar situation as the parents? i know my wife and i have had two misscarriges, in our minds the same as a death. for months she couldnt even see a baby without breaking down... maybe they dont want thhat heartache??

Irish Pixie · #20 02/20/13, 01:33 PM

There are people out there with absolutely no compassion because it's all about them. Anyone that would bring a child to the funeral of a baby when the grieving parents stated no children is not a decent human being in my opinion. It simply doesn't matter if it's a public venue, it's common courtesy and decency to abide by their wishes.