Joke Of The Day - We Need Some Humor

YuccaFlatsRanch · #1 11/01/12, 11:06 AM

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking seniors are not so smart and that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, but to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Travis in Louisiana · #2 11/01/12, 01:04 PM

Good one!!!

troy n sarah tx · #3 11/01/12, 01:27 PM

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

willow_girl · #4 11/01/12, 01:38 PM

Good ones!

Silvercreek Farmer · #5 11/01/12, 02:07 PM

Good one. Reminds me of this one...

It was a bright sunny day. In the meadow, Joel the shepherd was tending his flock as he had done for every day of his life, as his father had done, as his grandfather had done before that. The results of their labours? The massive flock currently removing all traces of lush meadow grass.
Off in the distance, the shepherd noticed a cloud of dust approaching along the road. He watched it approach and gradually a BMW X5 resolved within the dust cloud. The sun glinted off its metallic silver exterior. The engine roared through supercharged muscle exhausts.
The X5 passed the gate to the meadow and then, a couple of hundred yards later, screeched to a halt, reversed along the road and drove through the gate. It pulled up in front of the shepherd. The door opened and a tall man stepped out. The shepherd had never seen an Armani suit, didn't know Raybans from regular gas-station shades and certainly had never witnessed $400 loafers. Until now.
The newcomer strode purposefully up to Joel and thrust out his hand, firmly grasping that of the shepherd.
"Hi," he said.
"Er... Hello?" Joel replied, raising an eyebrow.
Still shaking hands, the clothes-horse smiled at the shepherd. "I have a proposition for you," without taking a breath, he continued onward, "if I can tell you how many sheep are in your flock, in this field, will you give me a single sheep?"
Joel looked at the man. Looked at the sheep. Looked back at the man.
"Go on, then," he said.
The suit walked to the back of the car, opened the hatch and pulled out a cellphone, a PDA, a laptop and a satellite dish. His fingers began to work over all his devices, rapidly becoming a blur as he entered figures and checked results. Every so often, he would glance across the field for a moment.
Joel watched this, working hard not to laugh. The guy wasn't even looking at the sheep... How did he possibly hope to count them.
Finally, the suit punched the air.
"Got it!"
He turned to Joel and smiled. "You, sir, have 3,642 sheep in this field."
Joel was stunned. "How... You... How... did you..."
"Am I right?"
Joel nodded, still unable to speak.
"So I can have a sheep?"
Joel nodded again. Give or take the odd one, he was absolutely right.
The stranger picked one up and lifted it into the back seat of the X5.
"Thank you," he said, "I'll be on my way now..."
He walked back to the car and opened the driver's door.
"Just a minute," Joel said from behind him, "if I can tell you what you do for a living, can I win my sheep back?"
The suit thought for a moment. "That seems a bit easy," he said, "you could just keep guessing until you got it right."
"So how about one guess," Joel countered.
"One guess?"
"One guess."
"OK."
Without pause, Joel said, "you're a consultant."
The consultant was dumbfounded. First time. With no clues. "How did you do that?" His voice was full of wonder.
Joel smiled.
"Wasn't too difficult," he said, "firstly, you came here without an invitation... Secondly, you got paid for telling me something I already know... And finally, you don't know what you're talking about... So it's obvious you're a consultant."
"But... But I told you how many sheep you have... Of course I know what I'm talking about."
Jed continued to smile.
"If you really know what you're talking about," he said, "how come you've just put my sheepdog into the back of your fancy Jeep?"

Ozarks Tom · #6 11/01/12, 04:25 PM

Pierre owned a bar in cajun country, and every night Louie would come in. Louie was a well known trickster, so when he came in pulling 10' of logging chain, Pierre knew better than to ask. This kept up for 5 nights, and finally Pierre just couldn't stand it any longer.
He says "Louie, why do you pull that chain in here every night", to which Louie says "ever try pushing one?"

pheasantplucker · #7 11/01/12, 04:45 PM

This is a great joke you can use to crack on one of your friends...It can be made for ladies to tell it or for men...You just have to reverse the genders if you're going to tell it cracking on someone of the opposite sex...Say I have a friend named Tom I want to make the butt of the joke...here's how it goes. "One day Bill dies and goes to heaven and he meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and St. Peter says he wants to show Bill around. They go to a cloud and Bill notices his friend Mark up there. Mark is chained to the ankle with a really homely woman. Bill asks St Peter, 'Why is Mark chained to the ankle with that unattractive woman?' and St. Peter responds...'Well this is his punishment, you see, because Mark did a lot of things he shouldn't have done while he was on earth, and he just barely made it to heaven, however he must spend the next thousand years chained to the ankle with that pitiful woman and then he will be free to enter the pearly gates."...Bill said, 'I see.' and they proceeded to the next cloud where they saw John. John was chained to the ankle of a woman who was absolutely hideous...she had ratty hair, long nose hairs, the only teeth she had were rotten. Big bags under her eyes...really gross. Bill asked St. Peter, 'Why is John chained to the ankle with that disgusting woman?' and St. Peter responded, 'This is his punishment...You see John was really bad for most of his life and he got through by the skin of his teeth. In fact if he had done only one more minor thing wrong he wouldn't be here, but you see if he endures being chained to the ankle with that retched woman for the next ten thousand years, he will be gladly welcomed into the pearly gates.'...'I see' said Bill, and so they proceeded to the next cloud. There they saw Tom. Tom was chained to the ankle of an absolutely beautiful woman. She was stunning...Beautiful figure, bright sparkling eyes, pretty smile...Bill asks St. Peter...'I don't understand. I knew Tom and he was no saint...why is he chained to the ankle with that lovely creature?'...St. Peter responds, "This is her punishment..."

ELOCN · #8 11/01/12, 05:10 PM

Those are great! Thanks for posting!

foaly · #9 11/01/12, 05:31 PM

Two teddy bears just finished a big meal.

The first teddy bear asks, "Would you care for dessert?"

The second teddy bear says, "No thanks, I'm stuffed."

Nimrod · #10 11/01/12, 09:52 PM

A small town in New England has a square in the center with the city hall, the library, the fire department, and the police department around it. Two hundred years ago the city fathers had a statue of a really handsome man erected on one side of the square and a beautiful woman on the other side. These two have spent 200 years with nothing to do but gaze at each other across the square. On the night of the 200th anniversery the good fairy came down and granted the statues one night of life as real people. At dawn they would become statues again. The male statue whispered to the female statue, "are you thinking what I'm thinking". The female statue replied, "yes let's go" and they went into the bushes holding hands. The bushes shook and there was groaning and moaning coming from them. After about a half hour the two disschelved statues came out of the bushes while tucking in their shirt tails. It wasn't long until the female asked the male, "are you ready to do it again?" The male said, "sure, but this time you hold the pidgeon down and I get to poop on it's head."

Seymour · #11 11/02/12, 12:47 PM

hear about the cordoroy pillow?....................it made headlines