How much help

[Kazahleenah]

Reading this forum for several years, I wonder just how much help do you expect from your S.O. or kids? I also wonder who's choice it is to live this lifestyle?

In my relationships, I have always been more of the homesteader than the S.O. and I recognize that. I seldom ask for help with anything homesteady. Way I see it is... it's ME that wants the garden, critters etc. It should be ME that takes care of that stuff.

Just wondering what the general opinion is on the topic.

[Laura Zone 10]

Originally Posted by Kazahleenah

Reading this forum for several years, I wonder just how much help do you expect from your S.O. or kids? I also wonder who's choice it is to live this lifestyle?

In my relationships, I have always been more of the homesteader than the S.O. and I recognize that. I seldom ask for help with anything homesteady. Way I see it is... it's ME that wants the garden, critters etc. It should be ME that takes care of that stuff.

Just wondering what the general opinion is on the topic.

I have come to learn that 'expectations' are from the devil.
There's a great line in a Gin Blossoms song "If you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down".

As far as a garden, everyone in this house benefits from the garden. I do 80% of the maintenance, etc.....but when it comes to 'the heavy stuff' (like moving dirt to fill beds, etc) I do ask for help. Or when it's 2000 degrees and I only have a small window in the morning to pull suckers off my tomatoes, I ask for help. Come canning time, I do ask for help peeling tomatoes.

I cannot have critters. I think it sucks, and I could really throw a fit if I wanted to but, to what point?

Homesteading is a lifestyle, but if my dh is not on board, and it will cause harm to our marriage and relationship if I go get a hand full of chickens......then I don't go get them, no matter how much I want them.
I do what I can do as best as I can do it...without going against his wishes.

[unregistered168043]

My opinion is that you can avoid all those issues by staying single. I do what I want, when I want.

[Forerunner]

On the other hand.......

As a parent, I find that expectations rather set the tone for the behavior pattern of the up and coming youth. Higher expectations most certainly facilitate a higher degree of positive performance.

If you find that you are the energy and impetus behind the homestead, it is your motivation on which others will depend and act, so you can't let yourself stay down or disappointed for long.

[Callieslamb]

I was raised on farm - therefore- I am the farmer in the family. Never mind that I've spent twice as much time being not-a-farmer than I ever did as a kid 'farming'. However, both of us want to be able to feed ourselves as much as possible. We started with backyard gardens and moved up to 7 acres. Now, even DH would like more land. We've progressed to my being tolerated to complete support. I do most of the work simply because I am home and have the time to do it. I don't do anything that I don't want to do. I don't do heavy lifting if DH is home. He usuall builds and does repairs. I do the garden totally but he'd till it if I asked. I plan what goes in there and how much to harvest. I tell him the funding I need and I get it. It would be easy for me to think that I do this alone much of the time, but the truth is - his contribution of money from his job- is vital to what we are doing right now. We are moving to get the farm to pay for itself. He's progressed from tolerating endless conversations about the garden/sheep/cows, etc to starting them on his own and I am heartily grateful.

What do I expect? When I had a small garden- it was my retreat - don't even bother coming in it. But, I'm older and wiser. DS-11 has to come out every day and work in the garden with me during the summer. I expect it, not because it's necessary for him to be there, but because it's necessary for him to learn to work. He is going to need money in his life -he might as well start earning it. We help him raise bottle calves. He can't move a bale of hay for them, so he feeds the sheep and chickens while I do the hay. He's learning to work hard and how to work with others. That's what I'm after.

[Smalltowngirl]

I never asked for help unless it was a two person job like lifting sheets of tin, etc.
The thought of asking him for help for yard work, helping with a plugged up septic or even hauling firewood is laughable. He wouldn't even bring in firewood after I'd had abdominal surgery!
He only wanted to brag to his city friends about having a homestead, not actually working to make it a home/homestead.
So no, I learned a long time ago, expectations just bring frustrations and being the 'good, hard working wife' doesn't mean you won't be betrayed.

[Rick]

Originally Posted by Kazahleenah

Reading this forum for several years, I wonder just how much help do you expect from your S.O. or kids? I also wonder who's choice it is to live this lifestyle?

In my relationships, I have always been more of the homesteader than the S.O. and I recognize that. I seldom ask for help with anything homesteady. Way I see it is... it's ME that wants the garden, critters etc. It should be ME that takes care of that stuff.

Just wondering what the general opinion is on the topic.

Ann chose this lifestyle after 1999's Y2K scare educated her on how much we relied on other people for the basic fabric of life - food - warmth - water- medicine. I always wanted to live in the woods, even in another century.

In order to keep the start-up price low = $600 per acre - we purchased 70 acres with telephone available, limited timber, abundant firewood and good enough sun for solar.

It is me that would like to improve the hayfields, and have a couple of head of cattle for the investment, and Ann who realizes how much input that would require from us. We both would like a couple of goats and half dozen chickens, but we have never kept any critter but dogs and cats wormed and in good health. We enjoy the fact that the yotes are kept at bay by dog barking, we don't wish for them to have reason to come closer. The chickens will come, though.

The kids are in cities, but I suspect they will be here before too many years, but we sure could use their help now!

We share keeping the invasive, edible weeds in check We both do what the other needs, or asks for, or what we perceive is needed. I help wash
clothes in the wringer washer, and I have been spotted hanging them and taking them down. Ann helps with the tractor, tilling and firewood.

It would be me that climbs 8 feet straight up a hill to dig out a red bud and 2 feet of root, and then excavating 8 Autumn Olive within view of the Summer kitchen and Ann who digs the hole and mixes manure and amendments. I can barely move right now, so I am being quite lazy here, at the keyboard.

Ann honored me this morning by letting me know that I am both her slave, and her toy.

[Kazahleenah]

My kids had chores when they lived at home, don't get me wrong... but they wanted money, and chores was the way they earned money.

[Laura Zone 10]

Originally Posted by Forerunner

On the other hand.......

As a parent, I find that expectations rather set the tone for the behavior pattern of the up and coming youth. Higher expectations most certainly facilitate a higher degree of positive performance.

I COMPLETELY agree, when training up children in the way they should go, yes, the bar should be set high....And in doing so and staying the course, you will be blessed by seeing the fruit of your labor!!
I was talking about dh in the expectation dept.

If you find that you are the energy and impetus behind the homestead, it is your motivation on which others will depend and act, so you can't let yourself stay down or disappointed for long.

Amazing, great, advice.

[luvrulz]

We are both very involved in the farming, the picking, the critters, the planting etc. There are some things he's better at (loading the cow into the trailer,) or running the tractor just as there are things I'm better at, mowing and weeding, and mulching.... So we have a good blend and it's working wonderfully. Now we both work on the farm and don't have to work off the farm! YAY!

[Micheal]

I learned about "expectations" long ago - I have none therefore am never disappointed!
Long ago most of the family were long on promise but very short on results, so I learned to either do it alone or to hire help.
In turn, as I got older, wiser, and with less expectations I went from many animals (cows, rabbits, chickens, geese, cat and dog), a garden that was roughly 100x100 and providing for the whole family to just a dog and a garden that is maybe 25x30.

[jwal10]

I grew up on a farm, Sweetie grew up on the beach in Southern California. She moved to a farm in 1980 and had so much energy there. She loves the country, sunshine, the breeze and getting her hands in the dirt. Always smiling. We work together at it. I try to do the heavy work. So much fun working together, being together. The kids were so good about helping out. Son lives for time on his homestead and is always bringing things over. This year even our dd is planting a garden, asking all kinds of questions....James

[ronbre]

I have learned to NOT expect any help on any thing ever.

My husband is mentally and physically disabled, but if he wants to do something he'll move heaven and hell to do it, but if it is something I need help with, forgetaboutit..

we have had parts missing off the eaves of the house for 10 years (have them they just have to be put back up with 2 or 3 nails or screws each)..the bottom 7/8 of the buildings have been painted ..as tall as I can reach with an extension roller, but the eaves and top 1/8 are left unpainted..some of them for more than 30 years..looks awful..but I can't do it..and he or they won't.

husband and son insisted on a wood burning furnace, in a shed outdoors, to heat the house..told me I wouldn't ever have to mess with it...guess who messes with it..me..now it is totalled by the insurance company cause of a problem when our power went out and is being replaced by a "acccording to the new furnace guy, more user friendly wood furnace"..

this one is supposed to have an ash rake, and ash tray that you empty, the otherone you had to dig the ashes out of this deep dark hole..this also has a damage boil over prevetion system built in so it will shut down the fire if there is a power outage (that was what killed our present furnace)..and it takes smaller logs..this year I've been wrestling with logs weight more than 100 pounds cause ..he forgets..

we will order all of ..or I'll cut all of...our firewood to 8 to 10 " max dia this year..should be easier, I hope..

I hate this furnace bit anyway....we have propane back up but this also heats our son's home..next door..so I get to do it the hard way.

the trees, gardens, weeds, all of it are my responsibility as well as the house maintainence, lawn, bills, everything..we can't afford to hire anything done.

he also doesn't allow animals but I did manage two stray cats..

he is still alllowed to drive, but really can't safely..so I also have to drive him or do all the driving here, but I can't fit the tractor to operate it so I have to ask my son to do that..as Ron, hubby, no longer can "understand" how to do things..(kinda like alz only different with the head injury)...

so yup..I do it all unless Joel will occasionally help..but he works 12 to 16 hours 7 days a week, so I hate to ask.

[CountryWannabe]

Homesteading is "my thing", DH is fine with it, as long as he is not expected to participate too actively. So I do pretty much all of the gardening and tending of animals, milking, butchering, etc. He does help by building "stuff" for me, and he does help out if really needed (unloading feed, etc.) He also helps with some housework to free me up for the garden and the animals when I need him to.

I have two grand daughters old enough to help out, one of them dislikes farm life, the other comes over here every couple of weeks to help with shared chores. She is a great help and I really appreciate her.

Mary

[Yvonne's hubby]

I do not expect help from my Yvonne... if things need doing that I cant handle I either hire help (rarely) or they dont get done. Usually those things that dont get done werent all that important anyway. When her boy was living with us (out on his own now) I did expect him to help around the place with whatever needed doing. That was not so much because I needed the help... but to teach him how to do things and that in the real world nobody eats for free.

[DamnearaFarm]

It's complicated. I told my dh in the beginning- you make the money, I'll make it go farther. He works 12-14 hr days, five days a week. he almost totally funds this but I expect to be able to take about 20% of the cost with sales of farm stuff.

I am the animal and garden person. Our 19 yr old daughter is a big help..... sort of like an apprentice program. As a matter of fact, because of her experience here, she not only stuck out head and shoulders above other applicants at our local TSC but she also started at fifty cents more an hour than other folk without her experience did. I make the decisions and she helps carry them out. I see a maturity and common sense in her I don't in others her age- I believe this lifestyle is the cause of it.

She and I do the construction projects, maintenance and fencing as well.

I do have the two younger kids help with the pets and household chores (all three kids and I have a housework chart that covers every day except for days my husband is off. Those days we can use for projects or just hanging out) and they are required to assist in the garden occasionally during planting time. They're closer to the ground, you see

My husband isn't required to help (all except for tilling the garden. OLD cantankerous front tine that I can't physically handle) but it's welcomed.

[Callieslamb]

I think it takes a bit of adjusting on everyone's part to come into a lifestyle of self-reliance. While you might both think you want to do it whole heartedly at first, often it isn't quite what is expected.. In the end, one might be found unable to totally make the transition. I don't think self-sufficiency is reason enough to break up family. It's discouraging to work alone. So if you're not happy doing it alone-do something different. If you don't mind the alone-time find something else to base your family relationships upon.

I was raised in an environment where the kids were slave labor. Sometimes we got little pocket money, but mostly, we were expected to work without compensation. If you can't/won't compensate with money find another way -;n "I'm proud of you" look; praise; challenges; opportunities to go off on their own with a project. No one likes to work for a nag. Especially if they are not compensated in some way. Sometimes we forget that our family is the place we should be the nicest to each other.

[Alice In TX/MO]

It's a family, and you aren't the slave. Everybody helps.

[luvrulz]

And I just couldn't imagine not having hubby's participation in all of this. We decided together we were going to do this - I grew up on a farm - he didn't. But we love knowing where our food comes from and that our work put it on the table.

And we have 4 acres of asparagus and 800 blueberry bushes - try doing all that by yourself! Impossible! It takes 2 hours just to pick all that asparagus on one swipe through the fields....if I was the only participant, I wouldn't get much else done!

[Yvonne's hubby]

Originally Posted by Callieslamb

I was raised in an environment where the kids were slave labor. Sometimes we got little pocket money, but mostly, we were expected to work without compensation. If you can't/won't compensate with money find another way -;n "I'm proud of you" look; praise; challenges; opportunities to go off on their own with a project. No one likes to work for a nag. Especially if they are not compensated in some way. Sometimes we forget that our family is the place we should be the nicest to each other.

My kids were always well compensated. They were provided with a roof over their heads, clothes to wear, and plenty to eat, along with a tremendous amount of education at Zero cost to them beyond a small amount of labor when they were available.