Domestic violence and my family

[rondallb]

Last monday I had to go to family court to get an Order of Protection from my husband to protect myself and our two teenage children. Husband was there with a big time lawyer and I was with a small town lawyer who understood the dynamics of domestic violence. I had 9.5 hrs. of recordings, pictures of damage to the house and of myself, police records, text messages and my medical records. He said he was guilty and I was given protection for one year plus he has to attend counseling.
Sadly, we had it all. He makes $100,000 a year, retirement, and we have a 180 ac. homestead that is one of the best places to live in Ky.
He is now suppost to pay the bills and I am picking up the pieces at home. Not an easy job.
For all the years I have been married, I gave it all away. I stayed at home, babysat, elderly care, sometimes took classes at the university, and homesteaded like crazy. Made pocket money every so often.
He was never happy. Didn't like anything.
I loved everything. I enjoyed raising my children. Made friends with the local elderly. Never made anything lower than an A in school. And while we were separated ten years ago I bought my life long dream homestead for us.
I worked hard for my homestead and my marriage. Every wednesday I met with a counselor and then went home to try what was suggested. The rest of the week I worked to make a homestead for all of us.
The land is leased out to a farmer for cattle. The garden is organic and has been full of the best of the best. The house is ready for any kind of emergency. It is able to run with and without electric. I have every tool and book ever used in homesteading, living frugal, simple, and being a homesteader. I am glad to have my canning goods now to feed the children and I.
Now I am going to ask for a divorce. I am talking to an lawyer because he wants it all.
My fear of him is real but my feelings of walking on eggshells is very slowly going away, sometimes.
However, I have lost everything.
The homestead will be sold. My homesteading things will be auctioned, including my quilts. My children and I will move to an apartment. My income is now nothing. My family is mad at me for telling. I am alone.
However, I have not told a soul about what has happened. My husband has told everyone including all my family and friends which has upset them greatly. They have taken his side.
I tell you because I believe that someone will understand. To lose it all. To begin again. To take a stand. Is very, very diffcult.
Please keep my childrenand me in your prayers.
Thank you for listening.

[SquashNut]

I am sure every one here is praying for you and your boys.

[Nevada]

Originally Posted by rondallb

However, I have not told a soul about what has happened. My husband has told everyone including all my family and friends which has upset them greatly. They have taken his side.

Not taking sides here, but to understand this better what is it that his family & friends think? In other words, what is his version of the story that makes them side against you?

[Ravenlost]

Why are you losing everything? Why let him take that away from you too? Take a stand and fight to keep your home. Do it for your children's sake. Don't let him strip you of this as well.

That being said, my heart goes out to you. I was in an abusive marriage for seven years. The night he turned it on our two-year-old son was the last night he ever lived in our house. I got the house, the furniture and temporary alimony ($100 a week plus he paid the bills) until I found a job. He got both cars. After alimony ended I got $45 a week child support. I should have fought for more, but just wanted him out of our lives. So I can understand why you are not fighting for what is rightfully yours, but I urge you not to give up. Don't let him win. Fight him in court. Take everything HE has and don't look back. No regrets!

You are NOT alone. I'm here for you. I understand and my heart goes out to you.

[jwal10]

No one should have to go through that. Period. But it sounds like you 2 were on different agendas. Get away and make a clean break, the truth will all come out. Be positive and do not make it a he said she said thing. Don't give up everything, work out a way both of you can keep the personal things. Good luck and God Bless you and the children....James

[kirkmcquest]

There are two sides to every story...yours might be the right one IDK. But thats one reason I hesitate to marry...I don't want to end up having to sell all I've worked for if things don't work out.

The guy I bought this place from was in tears at the closing because he was forced to sell due to a hostile divorce...she sat there with a stone face on, took her check and disappeared. He said this place was what he wanted his whole life, I said me too....and he said he was glad at least one of us would get to enjoy it. His advice was don't get married!

[rondallb]

Thank you for your support. I really need it.

I don't know what is being said. I have not said anything to anyone.

However, during court my mother said that I was not being a good mother because I had taken a small job spending the night with my 89 yr old cousin three times a week. It paid $40. a week. I did this for a year. Also, mom was upset because I had went to Adult Ed for six months so I could go to the university.

My mother is very religious, runs the whole family and believes women are to be home with thier children and husband. I was raised this way.
My counselor says I have to get my mother out of my head and its ok to work and go to school to improve myself.

All my time was accounted for and I was awarded sole custody of the children.

I am open to any and all advise.
I am lost at times.

Thanks.

[The Paw]

Originally Posted by rondallb

Thank you for your support. I really need it.

I don't know what is being said. I have not said anything to anyone.

However, during court my mother said that I was not being a good mother because I had taken a small job spending the night with my 89 yr old cousin three times a week. It paid $40. a week. I did this for a year. Also, mom was upset because I had went to Adult Ed for six months so I could go to the university.

My mother is very religious, runs the whole family and believes women are to be home with thier children and husband. I was raised this way.
My counselor says I have to get my mother out of my head and its ok to work and go to school to improve myself.

All my time was accounted for and I was awarded sole custody of the children.

I am open to any and all advise.
I am lost at times.

Thanks.

Listen to your lawyer. They will tell you if it is necessary to sell your homestead or not, and what spousal and child support you are entitled to.

Listen to your counsellor. They know you and they know domestic violence, and they don't carry all the baggage that family members do.

I don't think you will lose everything, but even if you do, your safety and that of your children is worth more than any property or possessions. You have made the right choice, and you have already taken the hardest step. Don't lose hope and it will get easier, bit by bit.

Good luck

[mnn2501]

Originally Posted by The Paw

Listen to your lawyer. They will tell you if it is necessary to sell your homestead or not, and what spousal and child support you are entitled to.

Listen to your counsellor. They know you and they know domestic violence, and they don't carry all the baggage that family members do.

I don't think you will lose everything, but even if you do, your safety and that of your children is worth more than any property or possessions. You have made the right choice, and you have already taken the hardest step. Don't lose hope and it will get easier, bit by bit.

Good luck

This says it all. just because you get divorced doesn;t mean you lose everything, at least 1/2 of everything is yours, including his retirement. Your lawyer should be telling you this.

[Witterbound]

Talk to your lawyer, and understand what your rights are under the law. In my state, a wife is entitled to half the property acquired during marriage, including 1/2 of her husband's retirement plan (which is usally a big amout). Also, you're likely entitled to not only child support, but alimony, since he earns 100k and you earn very little. Now is not the time to be a shrinking violet, or feel guilty. Now is the time to fight for everything you can get. Do not settle just becasue you want to get it over with. Fight for what you are entitled to under the divorce laws of your state. After the divorce, let it go, but don't let it go before then. Fight for what is yours. Do not have a defeatest attitude.

[Mid Tn Mama]

You are not alone if you are a believer. Remember that you have children and are showing them how to accept your reality and move on. What advice would you give them for healthy, happy living.

The things you are losing are just things! We are promised, and will receive so much for living as righeous people. Read all of Hebrews 11 if you need examples to give you strength. Be in the word.

[trbizwiz]

I dont know what state you live in but in my state things are very favorable to women. My wife and i were friends with a couple and the wife had an affair. The hsband was willing to work on their marriage and work things out. the wife did not . The husband got off work at 3 every day so he picked up the children form school and cooked and cleaned the house.
The court gave the wife custody and the father gets the kids 1 day per week adn every other weekend. The mother got child support and half the household goods. The wife also got the house.
Our friends situation was very different form yours. But in their case being the mother trumped her characterflaws. It would seem with you being the mother and him having the character flaws you should be able to demand pretty much everything and get it. It seems you need ot borrow money and get a better lawyer. $10 or $20 K would be better than starting form scratch.
I hope things work out for you and your family. I always hate it when families go through things like this.

[Sara in IN]

Get the best pit bull of a lawyer in 10 counties.

As a displaced homemaker, depending on state laws, you should get half of everything, including retirement accounts. Watch for financial fun & games and downright dishonesty by your soon-to-be ex. You might end up having to sell some acreage, preferably to the guy currently farming the ground and Mr Dipstick will have a hunk of his paycheck going to child support and alimony, and funding education to allow you to get a decent job, along with child care during that time, if needed.

Yer mama can go soak her head as this is 2011, not 1951, and the man is as likely to go over the hill and never be seen again as he was in 1931.

Now, go find a really good divorce lawyer, change your phone number, let the soon to be ex have only a "disposable" phone number ( ie a prepaid cell phone) and grow the skin of a rhino.

[Maura]

You need a new lawyer. When the court sees his assets, he should be paying you big bucks in child support. You should also get the house. This doesn't sound right. Is he getting everything because you feel guilty about divorcing him? Do you need to be punished? Don't punish your kids because of your upbringing, or him being a jerk.

[Linda J]

I agree with Maura and the others. This is a domestic abuse case. I don't know where you are getting your information, but you need to get the best lawyer in the area that will fight for you - you might even be able to get your attorney fees paid. Did you press charges against your husband when you got the restraining order? You get child support, the family home, 1/2 the retirement, etc. Nothing has to be auctioned, especially the quilts (geez). You went to family court, not divorce court. Press charges with the police. This really doesn't make sense to me.

You can actually make a living doing elder care - did you know that? Very high demand for those sort of people right now. You might even be able to teach a homesteading class at the adult education center - you can support yourself, your husband's paying the bills and will have to pay child support.

[Ravenlost]

Originally Posted by Sara in IN

Get the best pit bull of a lawyer in 10 counties.

As a displaced homemaker, depending on state laws, you should get half of everything, including retirement accounts. Watch for financial fun & games and downright dishonesty by your soon-to-be ex. You might end up having to sell some acreage, preferably to the guy currently farming the ground and Mr Dipstick will have a hunk of his paycheck going to child support and alimony, and funding education to allow you to get a decent job, along with child care during that time, if needed.

Yer mama can go soak her head as this is 2011, not 1951, and the man is as likely to go over the hill and never be seen again as he was in 1931.

Now, go find a really good divorce lawyer, change your phone number, let the soon to be ex have only a "disposable" phone number ( ie a prepaid cell phone) and grow the skin of a rhino.

Well said!

[PNP Katahdins]

Please, do NOT listen to your mother! She is living in the past. You are talking about your children's future besides your own. You deserve a fulfilling life, too.

Numerous people here have gone through the same type of acrimonious divorce. You will get a lot of support and advice here, both good and bad. Get the best divorce lawyer around before your husband does.

I'll be praying for you and your family.

Peg

[Lizza]

I agree with others, you get 1/2, including retirement, and child/alimony support. You need not loose everything. If your lawyer is not telling you this, find a new lawyer, like yesterday, make all attorney fees (including yours) part of the settlement package.

That said, I am so sorry, I was raised in an abusive home. My only small piece of advice is to remember that 5 years from now, this will be all done and over with, and you will be in a MUCH better off place. Staying would have just kept you in the same situation 5 years down road, this is the first step towards a new life and this one will be only a memory. Also please remember that THE MOST dangerous time for your life and the lives of your children is now, when leaving. Please stay safe.

[wanda1950]

You deserve to take something with you out of the marriage for yourself & for your children. I think you need to see another lawyer as soon as possible.

I saw my mother blamed for a lot when my parents divorced. His family was not aware of a lot of my father's behavior because no one told them. In the end they found out the truth and were loving toward Mama. Maybe you need to let the friendliest ones know what you've been through.

Praying for you--hang in there--you can make a new & better life for yourself & your kids!

[Lizza]

Originally Posted by PNP Katahdins

Please, do NOT listen to your mother! She is living in the past. You are talking about your children's future besides your own. You deserve a fulfilling life, too.

This is wonderful advice! Repeat this to yourself several times a day if you need too.