I do you deal with "I don't care" from your kid?

[snoozy]

My son (9) is now using a blase statement of "I don't care" for any suggestion of consequences or to justify his lack of effort in doing tasks. Like: " I don't care" about learning or knowing what the meaning of the sentence he just read is. "I don't care if I lose recess. It's only recess." I don't care if I do badly in school" [because he won't wear his glasses and can't see the board]. "I don't care" [if he goes to bed without supper.] "I don't care if people don't trust me because I lie." "I don't care how you feel/what you think about it, Mama"

I tell him, not caring about things means you live in a world not worth caring about. It is mighty frustrating and I wonder, why should I care? How do you make a kid care about their behaviour in this life?

[firegirl969]

When he asked me where his supper is or where his favorite shirt or shoes are, I would say "I don't care." Give it back to him everytime he asks you for something or to do something and he will get the message real quick.

[ugabulldog]

I like that firegirl.

[Otter]

My DD only tried this a couple of times. My standard response is "Did I ask?" and "Do it anyway."
I guess that's not the response she's looking for because she didn't try it often before giving it up. Good Luck!

[plowjockey]

It a power thing. If he does not care, then why bother trying to do anything at all?

Make it PERFECTLY clear that reading, behaving, wearing glasses, etc., is his RESPONSIBILITY! Have cleary defined consequences for not complying and FOLLOW THOUGH with the consequences. Whether he cares or not, does not matter.

We have found that when they "don't care" if something negative happens, because of misconduct, they usually start caring, when the consequences are applied.

Good luck. You'll need it.

[the mama]

Flip the breaker for his room and the TV. When he tells you something is wrong, "I don't care." Go out to eat without him. Tell him "I was sure you wouldn't mind since you don't care." No clean laundry. Remind him that the law says parents take care of kids until they are 18, but having clothes and food available meets the letter of the law. He can cook it himself and do his own laundry. Give him one dish, glass, bowl, spoon and fork. If he doesn't wash them oh well. Soon something will begin to matter. Good luck, my son went thru this at 12. Only for a week.

[cathryn]

I have been through this with my son. It started when I said he wouldn't get what he wanted because of what he had just done. He said "Fine, I don't care". So, I added an additional thing that he would lose, to which he gave me the same answer. I added an additional thing that he would lose, and he said that he would try not to behave that way again. My kids know that I follow through.

We have not had to do this often, and usually I only have to take away 1 additional thing. When he says to me that he doesn't care about something I ask him if he is sure. This is his chance to change his attitude. Sure, it is a battle, but he needs to understand that punishment is meant to be unpleasant and I will continue to to remove things until he cares, or admits to caring. He also needs to understand that if he doesn't do what I need him to do, he doesn't get what he wants until it is done. No dinner, breakfast, etc until the job is done, and done right.

Asking my son "Are you sure" also makes him think about how he really feels and sometimes opens up a conversation. Usually when "I don't care" comes out of his mouth he is really saying that he feels like he can't change or doesn't agree with what is going on, so not caring is his defense. Maybe your son has some issues that you could help him with that would make him feel more impowered in his life so that he would not battle with you about these really important issues like school, and parental respect. Maybe the glasses are a "social" problem for him, or he is having trouble in school that he is trying to cover up by not wearing his glasses?

Good luck and Peace - Cathryn

[Ross]

I just told them that I cared and until they did they could sit in their room and think about why. If I needed faster results they lost things they liked fast. Never books but the TV computer toys etc could go for a long time until they cared. My daughter is an avid reader and not co-incedentally the more difficult to get on side. Ah well I cared they read more than anything else..... so I win...... but don't tell her that.

[farmmom]

I'm having a similar problem with my 11 year old son. He doesn't say the words, just has the "I don't care" attitude. He'll take all day long (literally) to clean our small kitchen and a small stack of dishes. He's the same way with any of his chores, even seeing that his laundry is in the hamper. He currently has no priveleges except meals. If his laundry is not in a hamper in the laundry room, it doesn't get washed. I'll have to try some of these methods with him and see if it helps.

[Lolly-Dolly]

I'd try telling them " I don't care if you care or not, I'm not asking that you be emotionally invested in it (chores, whatever), I'm just asking for compliance" Caring is optional, compliance is not

[Pelenaka]

Geez, your post brings back memories when my now 28 y.o. daughter use to say whatever in such a manner that is always sounded like a cuss word. She even learned to say it in spanish & french. Then she made up a gesture to represent the word.
Morning, noon, and night, [I]whatever[I] was her pat reply to everything.

So being the good parent that I am I did research on my daughter.
Spoke with her teachers & her gfs. Must be an emotional cry for help right?
Once I realized that she suffered from no major life calamity I treated each occurrance separately. Sometimes I let her utter her cruse word other times she got a smack. Still other times she paid dearly for her perceived right to be rebellious.
But always she was held to our family's standards of behavior.

Get yourself a buzz phrase that is totally way better than his and be strong.
This too will pass.

[snoozy]

I like that "caring is optional, compliance is not." He doesn't have a whole lot of stuff to take away (not since he just had ALL of his Legos confiscated last week.) TV was taken away a long time ago, but I know that he gets plenty at his Dad's place, and he is not allowed on my computer because it is very necessary for my work and I can't afford to repair or replace it if it gets messed up. (I have explained to him that if anybody is going to mess up my computer -- and anybody could, not just a kid or him personally -- it was going to be me. His dad on the other hand, lets him use his computer and has had to replace/repair his computer several times, which he, too, can ill-afford...)

I do follow through with consequences, and he knows this. I wonder sometimes if being so unyielding on consequences has gotten him to the point where his only defense is not caring.

But you are right, it is a power thing. It is a difficult thing to counter. It is like a suicide bomber: how do you deal with someone who has no desire for self-preservation?

[kjmatson]

Keep about 5 face cords of firewood around that can be moved and re stacked anywhere you like......he will start caring then

[hollym]

Lolly Dolly's answer is what I do too. I tell my son that he doesn't have to care, but he does have to do it.

Chores, well he's really bad about doing them quickly and efficiently. I'm really bad about not getting things done and remaining patient with him. So after a certain point, I will tell him he has a time frame to complete them in or he loses phone time, tv time, video game time, whatever comes to mind. I find it's good to outline exactly what I expect a chore to accomplish too. His idea of what is clean vs. mine is a vast gulf!

Good luck!

hollym

[beccachow]

Oh...cringe...is THIS what I have to look forward to?! I have to swallow my words everyday since bratling has started spouting them back to me...when I was at my sickest with the Lyme and she would give me a hard time, I would weigh the battle, and sometimes just say, "Fine. Whatever." (Lyme rage is hard to avoid, so when she would test me I found it better to leave the room before I had a verbal meltdown). I would leave her for a few minutes to go get my mental balance back. So now I have an almost 4 year old who answers my requests with, "Whatever." Complete with the hands on the hips. I have no one to blame but myself (ok, and maybe a tick the size of a pinhead, lol) for her antics. Now I am reading THIS?! That's it, I am duct taping her to her chair until she's 18. 19. 32.

I have recently begun to enforce some punishments for her and she is starting to understand cause and effect, but veeeeery slowly. I can't wait til she says I Don't Care...arrrgghhh!

[clovis]

How is your communication with the boy? Is it based on openness and trust?

Lots of kids react poorly when they don't feel like their thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, etc are valued.

Are you spending quality time with him, talking like men do, as a mentor, teacher and coach?

This is a rhetorical question. I am not trying to beat you up with these comments.

These questions should be asked when trying to figure out why he doesn't care. Maybe he feels like no one cares about him????

What if you dedicated one month to changing your behavior pattern towards him? Make him your friend and partner, while still being an authority figure, and change the way you listen to him and treat him when he is around.

Clove

[fastbackpony]

You may try having some long talks with him. Along with whatever discipline is necessary, make sure you are spending lots of quality time with him, and that there is NO Question of your love for him. Yes, he could be manipulating you, but what if he's just really really discouraged ? there is a chance he feels like a failure, or like he'll never measure up, never gain your approval and so there is nothing left to do, but quit on life.
its worth considering . . .

[Maria]

When my kids were around that age, and I got an "I don't care" answer from them, I used to run and get that old Maurice Sendak book, "Pierre" and read it to them. Or recite it from memory until they screamed.

They didn't use that answer on me much at all for some reason.

"What would you like to eat?"
"I don't care!"
"Some lovely cream of wheat?"
"I don't care!"
Don't sit backwards on your chair."
"I don't care!"
"Or pour syrup on your hair."
"I don't care!"

[BethW]

Originally Posted by Lolly-Dolly

I'd try telling them " I don't care if you care or not, I'm not asking that you be emotionally invested in it (chores, whatever), I'm just asking for compliance" Caring is optional, compliance is not

Definitely. No need to appeal to the child to care, you're simply asking for something to be done and expecting him to do it. His thoughts on the subject are irrelevant.

[mtnest]

Originally Posted by BethW

Definitely. No need to appeal to the child to care, you're simply asking for something to be done and expecting him to do it. His thoughts on the subject are irrelevant.

Please tell me that you don't seriously believe a childs thoughts on anything are irrelevant!
________________

I would ask your son why he does not care. You might be surprised at what you find out. Don't accept the pat answer "I don't know" and let him know you really want to know why he "doesn't care" about anything. I would surmise that he has a classmate and/or friend who has been saying this to him and it has caused hurt feelings because it DOES matter when someone disses you. It's a cover up is all.

Concerning the word "whatever" - it is not and never has been allowed to be used in our home by adult or child. I think it is the epitome of disrespect for another person to spout that word. We all get tired of hashing over something in a conversation but ending it with "whatever" does nothing towards finding a solution nor does it keep the attitudes open for further discussion of the subject.

D