Marriage?? Why has yours worked or failed??

Queen Bee · #1 09/07/08, 08:44 AM

Today is our 36th wedding anniversary! We have been thru the thick and thin and we are still happy! He is away a lot but I look forward to those time when he is here... We working together very well but have our seperate interests! We are looking forward to our retirements..

He's one of those rough/tuff guys, he is strong, not very trusting of people he doesn't know, VERY opinionated, he is old school when it comes to 'You walk the walk NOT just talk the talk". He likes prefection and works at it, in everything he does.. BUT then when he sees one of his kids, grands he becomes 'mush'--pure sryupie mush!!!

So, this morning as I lay awake lstening to him sleeping--I wondered why it has worked so well for us and not so well for others....

So tell us why your marriage/long term relationship has or has not worked out...Thank you all...QB

chickenista · #2 09/07/08, 09:02 AM

We have an unusual marriage by today's standards. It is an arranged marriage.. arranged by our son.
I had known DH and worked with him at several jobs over years and years... but never dated him. (though he wanted to date me.. I thought he was ..umm.. a bit of a jerk, but yet I defended him over the years because folks misunderstood him.. not socially graceful, but harmless and intelligent)
He needed a place to stay and I had an extra room and I was in my prime and he was cute.... you get the picture.
I was went biblical when I found out.. wailing and gnashing of teeth and rolling around in the grass in that backyard having a COMPLETE breakdown. I couldn't speak by the 4th or 5th hour of my breakdown and I wrote him a note explining the situation, walked in the house and threw it at him and returned the grass.. all I heard was rolling laughter pouring through the backdoor. He laughed and laughed and laughed.
So, here we are. We were married the day after DS's 1st birthday.
We were not and are not madly in love. We have learned to respect each other and to work together as a team. We had no false notions of what it would be like, so we have had no real crushing disappointments... no disillusionments.
We don't really fight. (anymore) but neither are we passionate people. The one thing we do very, very well together is parent. No parenting fights EVER!!!
I support what DH is trying to do and what his goals are and he supports mine. He has dreams that I would like for him to see come true and he understands my dream of self sufficiency and a market garden etc....

Though neither of is is sure what will happen when DS moves out...

It is not so bad. Sometimes I get teary when I watch a chic flick filled with romance or if I think about it too hard... but all in all it is ok.
To my horror I became pregnant.

pheasantplucker · #3 09/07/08, 09:27 AM

My first marriage failed for several reasons...we were not good at communicating with one another, and we had a child who died. Statistically from what I understand, divorce is common after that happens. I'm not blaming the failed marriage on that but I think the way we reacted to it contributed. My second marriage is good. I'm better at not holding stuff in till it's ready to boil over...we are both more considerate of one another and we have more interests in common.

GrannyG · #4 09/07/08, 09:32 AM

Ours works because we do not try to change each other,we respect each other, and have total trust among ourselves. Decisions are made together and the Lord is first in our lives.

AngieM2 · #5 09/07/08, 09:38 AM

Congratulations on 36 years. That's amazing these days (sad isn't it).

I might say something about my marriage later.
But congratulations.

Angie

Tricky Grama · #6 09/07/08, 09:41 AM

Congratulations on 36 yrs!! DH & I are at the 22 yr mark & happy as pigs in mud.

Patty

Big Dave · #7 09/07/08, 09:46 AM

I want to weigh in here. I have been married for ten years and there have been ups and downs Such as I got fired from work the day after we came home from the honeymoon. I brought home a goat and chickens, for the children of course. Met on a blind date. Voice in my spirit said she is IT! Driving that 4x4 cleared the land with her own chainsaw and that sweater she was wearing did not hurt the situation. Funny thing is she heard the same voice in her spirit tell her she had met her husband. Found that out after we were married. I told her if anything happened to her it would take 8 or 9 women to replace her. Truth is we were married less than two months after we met. This is the second marriage for both of us. What we have in this one we did not have in our first was commitment to our marriage and placing the Lord JESUS first in all we do.
TRUTH & MERCY Big Dave

Tracy Rimmer · #8 09/07/08, 09:51 AM

I have what I believe is a wonderful marriage. We don't agree all the time, we disagree (loudly) occasionally, and our children have certainly seen us fight, although we try to be respectful of each other at all times.

IMHO, children need to see parents disagreeing, and they need to see them fighting (verbally) and then they need to see solutions found, compromise reached, and the "making up" (at least, the first stages of it

) -- as children, my siblings and I were NEVER allowed to see our parents fight. Ever. We never saw them making up, either, although we know they adored each other. There were days of stony silence between them when they'd been fighting about something, and then suddenly, that would stop. We didn't ever know why either situation started or stopped. Of eight children, only two of us have never been divorced -- sometimes several times over -- and I firmly believe that this is because when they fought with their respective spouses, my siblings thought "it was over" because "couples don't fight", and they never tried to find a compromise because they'd never seen it done.

Why does my marriage work? Because neither of us expect constant perfection from the other. We recognize that we are both human, that occasionally, we are NOT going to be the most important thing to each other, but that -- when it really comes down to it -- our family IS the only thing that matters to either of us. People need to recognize that it's not going to be a romance novel, and it shouldn't be a horror novel, either. Do NOT try to change each other, as we are what we are, and marriage doesn't change someone's basic personality.

We have gone through some very rough patches in our marriage. I can honestly say that they were due to outside influences and our inability to recognize and/or deal with them because of our own personal failings. Happily, we've matured, and come to recognize what truly does matter -- and what doesn't.

Our marriage works because we understand each other, and truly love each other and put each other's best interest before our own. Love isn't about receiving, it's about giving, and a good marriage requires love, respect, and the maturity to avoid emotional reactions to situations that are easily dealt with if you have the strong basis of confidence in your relationship to work from.

At least, that's what has worked for us

Macybaby · #9 09/07/08, 09:58 AM

Because we both have a strong commitment to the Lord. A unity in spiritual belief always gave us the reason to know we were made for each other. Neither of us are what one would call "religious" but we do know what we believe.

Seriously, we met in HS and were so different on the outside that no one else could believe we fell in love. He was branded as a burn out, and I was an A student goody-goody. But we are so much the same on the inside. And it wasn't rebellion on my part, he didn't corrupt me, I reformed him LOL!!

He says he was very depressed and prayed that God would show him what true love really was. The next day he met me when I rode my horse into town to visit a guy I had a crush on that happened to be his neighbor. We grew up in a suburb of St. Paul - our graduating class was about 300 kids. He knew who I was, but I had never seen him before.

This was the summer between 11 and 12 grade. We were engaged in January, graduated in June and married in October. And for the nosy, we were married in 1979 and our first was born in 1981.

We have had our share of bad and difficult times, but always believed that God joined us, and we'd better stay together. We have a very close relationship, and would rather be with each other than anyone else.

In a few more weeks, we will celebrate our 29th.

Cathy

plowjockey · #10 09/07/08, 09:59 AM

My wife and I have both agree, that the reason we stay together, is that no one else would want to put up, with either of us.

How's that for a perfect match?

Marty

ceresone · #11 09/07/08, 10:00 AM

Well, thats a difficult question to answer.
My first marriage, I was 14, he was 19, and a mamma's boy. My parents were tired of me, thats all I can think, I was such a tom-boy. New hubby left for work at 3 AM, got off at noon, and went to mammas, we lived a mile off road, with no neighbors, so I spent a lot of time alone, end of the first year, I was PG, before I was 21 I had 3 daughters. I suppose the final blow was when I went to work--and found other wives didnt get regular beatings!
So at 29, I remarried, had a son at 32. We've been married 42 years now, not all good, but not all bad either. ( no physical fights--LOL) Hubby is 69, has Alzheimers, from brain cancer, they think, that and resulting radation.
Why has it lasted? To be real honest, I think because the urge to kill hasnt hit us both at the same time! And, anyone who has lived it understands completely!
Do we still love each other? To be perfectly honest, I'd have to say--most of the time.

Rita · #12 09/07/08, 10:01 AM

We just celebrated our 53rd and are as much in love as when first married but in a different way. Always treat your mate respectfully (don't belittle), be interested in what they have to say and I always try not to sound like a 'Fishwife" (don't use a loud, ugly voice when having disagreements), be kind and caring.

chickenista · #13 09/07/08, 10:05 AM

[QUOTE=ceresone;3290676
Why has it lasted? To be real honest, I think because the urge to kill hasnt hit us both at the same time! And, anyone who has lived it understands completely!
QUOTE]

so true!

#14 09/07/08, 10:11 AM

Too many happy marriages here, You're all pretty lucky. You don't really know how good life has been until you look back. here's my story of betrayal and deception...
I've been married 3 times, first one walked out the door and left me and 4 children. She had to "find herself". Apparently she was in California, where she had 6 more children, abandoned all them too. A worthless human. 20 years later, another one abandoned me with a child. I honestly believed she was(and is) so stupefied from alcohol and drugs that she don't even know what she has done. She lives within 5 miles and hasn't bothered to see her daughter in the eight years or so. But.........she'll walk 5 miles to a dope dealer or liquor store. The other marriage(kind of short and in between the other two)...when things looked like they were beginning to deteriorate, We sat down and decided that IF we walk away now, there won't be so many hard memories, it will have been a good experience, so that's what we did. I could talk to her any time I wanted to, no problem. She'd spend a night or a week with me when I asked her to(have to ask real nice, of course). As years went by, and both of us had failed relationships, we began to realize that the one we had, although not really the relationship either of us wanted, was better than any of the others we'd had. She's been with me for a while now. We are not now, nor will ever be married again. We have a pretty clear understanding about who each of us is in the relationship, and what we want and are willing to tolerate from each other.(I don't allow smoking in the house, but if she talks to her sister on the phone for an hour, its none of my business) I give some, she gives some. Things are good.
From my experience, you need to know when it's time to walk away, and yes, there were early signs, and like a fool, I guess we thought that getting married would cure the problems. It didn't. Trying to make something work just makes it worse. When it's over, it's over. I would never want to give up the experience of being a single father and raising my children, but life sure could have been easier.

Sharon · #15 09/07/08, 10:27 AM

We've been married 27 years and counting.... My husband is my very best friend. The song "Still the One" always makes me smile because he is still the one.

Helena · #16 09/07/08, 10:44 AM

42 years here !! I can't image not having him in my life now on a daily basis since he retired last winter !! Sure, we disagree, but I never wish to be without him. Respect for each other is the main thing but the first of course, would be truly in love with each other. When you are in love you don't ever really see the bad side of that one person. Often marriage is a 100% give by one partner until it swings back to the 50/50 relationship and it's during those times that you have to remember that he or she will shoulder the 100% sometime in the future with you too ! In today's society it is so very easy to toss out a marriage like dish water. It is so wonderful to have a "friend" that has been with your since your were a teenager ..through thick and thin ( not just talking about size either LOL)..having a relationship as so many of us seem to have is a wonderful way to spend your lives.. Cherish the time the Lord has given each of us..but when our times do come to go home to be with the Lord..I know one of us will be waiting at that door to heaven welcoming us home and that will make my time on this earth without him easier..and that will comfort me until my time. Like Winnie the Pooh says.." If you live to be 100 I want to live to be 100 minus 1 day..so I don't live a day without you !"

stranger · #17 09/07/08, 10:52 AM

Because I was handsome, muscular and a great catch for any woman for the first 30yrs, now i have a little gray hair around the sides but still have it all, have gained a couple pounds and can't fit into my army uniform anymore. she's beautiful, still has a great build with the best looking legs in the county.She is a red headed full blooded irish woman that no one in their right mind would want to po. We do everything together except ride in a boat, she just won't get in. neither smoke or drink, I used to make my own beer but have given it up. we both work hard, she's tight with a buck and i just toss money around like we're rich. If something needs to be done at home, we just do it, there's no such thing as her job or my car, everything is ours. I'm a prepper and she really isn't, but she goes along with it anyway. She babies the kids who are all grown up and gone now and helps them pay bills and if i give them any money it's a loan, usually to xmas then they get it all back. Oh and i never rap her in the mouth when someone is looking.43 yrs.

luvrulz · #18 09/07/08, 11:04 AM

First one lasted 6 months before I caught him running around - second one beat the **** out of me to the point I had permanent injuries - my third (and last) marriage is the stuff novels are written about.... We love each other deeply and have been married for 10 years. We don't fight much but when we do, we make up quickly and easily. We laugh more than anything and he's my best friend. Would rather spend 24/7 with him that anyone.

We have the same goals and enjoy providing our own food. We love working on projects together and baking together - we have a home based kitchen and make $$$ off the farm - look forward to being able to travel some and relaxing one of these days!

He's worth a million bucks in my book! I start a sentence and he finishes it!

#19 09/07/08, 11:18 AM

My first marriage ended in me not turning out to be what she wanted me to become. In all fairness I did need to grow up back then.
In a couple of months I'm taking the plunge again with someone that accepts me for who I am good, bad and otherwise. We have been together for 12 years and finally are at a time where we can tie the knot. I still need to grow up though.

sisterpine · #20 09/07/08, 11:51 AM

I' not sure why I am responding to this, did not intend to.... DH and I have a lasting marriage because we are bonded at the heart - not at the hip. He has his individual interests and I have mine. We also have things we enjoy doing together. My grandfather told me if you don't quit you will eventually learn how to live pleasantly with another person and I think that is what we have done. Neither of us is perfect, nor do we always agree though we do not fight at all any more....not worth the stress. We both figure the one whose choice should take precedence is the one the issue is most important to. That and we continually show each other our love- I think that is more important than physical love even. Sis