Do you ever just want to quit?

[Laura Workman]

Get ready for the supreme whine and pity party. Ready . . . ?

You know, I don't mind doing 90 to 95 percent of the farm-related work around here myself most of the time. But sometimes, I just get really, really tired. And when everyone is really tired, like for instance when we've gone to some family gathering and returned home later than I would have liked, it isn't like we draw straws to see who gets to do all the chores, and it isn't like we each take a third of the chores so nobody is out all night. Nope. Though I do get late help occasionally, most often everybody goes to bed, so tired, except me. I get to do all the chores.

But that's only fair. After all, the farm is my deal. Nobody else has any interest in the homesteading thing, though they do appreciate the good, healthy food, they enjoy showing visitors around the place, and they like to talk about what we've got going on here. But they're really not interested, they aren't the driving force, so why should they be obligated to pitch in? Times like this I want to move into a condo in the city just so I can sleep on a regular basis.

Oh, did I mention I work full time and commute two hours each day? So what's the answer? How do I make this more of a joy, less of a burden?

[Rae Jean]

Hard work keeps you healthy, wealthy and wise. Unless you work so hard your resistance is compromised and you get a nasty virus. :P

[Liese]

Laura, The answer my friend is to have a serious sit down with the rest of the family and divide up those chores, responsibilities and have a good heart to heart about goals. How can it (the farm, the marriage, the family) work in the long term any other way? Just listened to a podcast done by Two Geeks in the Country, this couple both work off the farm but see the success in continuing their farming life because they split the chores and share - they said the "his chores", "her chores" style just led to burn out and resentment. And I think many on here would agree that by sharing you understand much better what the other person/people deals with, you'll stay fresher and have more fun. Besides, I just don't this idea that if it is "your thing" your family members can just live there without being expected to be part of it? Wouldn't that be the same thing as saying "this house was my idea" therefore the rest of the family doesn't have to help take care of it? Isn't your farm an extension of the house? Well hopefully you'll find a way, especially a way to stop being a door mat .

[anniew]

I think if the rest of the family really enjoys the benefits of the farm, they'll pitch in. Otherwise, you decide what you want to handle on your own, and give up the rest. Nothing says you have to keep on keeping on when it comes right down to it.
You don't have to play superwoman and do everything. Get them to help or cut way back.

[nehimama]

Just my opinion, but as the other family members enjoy the good, healthy food, and they enjoy showing visitors around, perhaps they need to begin enjoying some of the work that goes with it. I sounds to me like they get all the benefits and none of the responsibilities that provide those benefits?

I hope you and your family can come to a solution that works for everyone. I'd hate to see you give up your dream due to burnout.

NeHi

[Meg Z]

Originally Posted by nehimama

Just my opinion, but as the other family members enjoy the good, healthy food, and they enjoy showing visitors around, perhaps they need to begin enjoying some of the work that goes with it. I sounds to me like they get all the benefits and none of the responsibilities that provide those benefits?
NeHi

I agree. Sounds like you're the little red hen. You've plowed the field, sowed the wheat, harvested it, threshed it, ground it, baked it....and then everyone's ready to put their feet under the table and help eat it, and brag on 'our' bread to the visitors!

I'd point this out to them, and make it a family decision...either they pitch in or you cut it back to something you can handle with less stress. And therefore less food.

Meg

[Thoughthound]

I agree with the above, but also make sure the kids get enough sleep.

Plan visits with the mindset that you must return by x in order to leave enough time and energy for chores.

[ArmyDoc]

I think with the kids, you should simply assign chores. And I don't really think it matters if it is "their thing" or not. Your spouse is a different story. If they moved there not of their desire, but because you wanted to, you probably shouldn't expect them to pitch in more than to the degree they would in a normal home.

I am likely to be in a similar situaion after we move. My spouse is a city girl, and not at all into the "country living thing." Any thing she decides she'd like to try I will support and try to make a positive experience. (I hope to convert her slowly...) But my kids will do chores - not slave labor, but a reasonable amount of chores.

After all, my kids aren't "into" doing chores around the house now. But I expect them to do them anyhow, because it's a part of being a family. When we move to the country, the chores will change, and likely increase. I expect I'll increase their allowance too. But chores are non-negotiable. Everyone in the family pulls their own weight in their own way; kids do it by doing chores.

[DirtDobber]

I agree with Armydoc...kids should have chores whether they live in town or the burbs or the country...and arriving home late should just be more of a reason for them to help...Here is what I have learned and it took me a lot of years and frustration to let the message really sink in so please read carefully...

People treat you, the way you allow them to treat you....

I spent many years playing the role of perfect little wife and mother..I did it all and in the end, I didn't even get any respect for doing it...they just took advantage at every opportunity...Time to step up to the plate and issue some orders...you will feel better about it, and in the end, they will respect you more for it.

[big rockpile]

Ok what happens if you are in the Hospital? Stuff not get taken care of

My DW wouldn't help with the Animals unless it was something Big that there was no way one person could do it.But she still knew what was needed every day and when I was in the Hospital she tried,not the way I figured it should have been,but it got done.My DW still don't help with the Garden.She rarly goes out on the property,other than to help get a Deer out.

But all this said she does alot around the House as far as making repairs on the House and vehicals.

No its just too hard taking care of a Farm or Homestead with just one person doing all that needs to be done,to take care of 3 or 4 people.

big rockpile

[MTplainsman]

As far as I'm concerned, if the rest of the family benifits from your homestead, then by heaven's bright light, they all better chip in and help you out! It is one thing if the hobby/lifestyle you chose to start was a money trap or nonbenificial, but with the positive side effects that can be had by the whole family chipping in, and the fruits created by all the labor, than I urge you to have a sit down, as akward as it may seem, and review the whole picture. If they all agree that it is benificial to the family, than there should be no excuses of not participating in the work load. Good luck.

[Mysticdream44]

Originally Posted by MTplainsman

As far as I'm concerned, if the rest of the family benifits from your homestead, then by heaven's bright light, they all better chip in and help you out! It is one thing if the hobby/lifestyle you chose to start was a money trap or nonbenificial, but with the positive side effects that can be had by the whole family chipping in, and the fruits created by all the labor, than I urge you to have a sit down, as akward as it may seem, and review the whole picture. If they all agree that it is benificial to the family, than there should be no excuses of not participating in the work load. Good luck.

I agree. If they benifit at all from the homestead, then they need to get up off their keysters and help out, especially if you come in late from some family outing. Stand your ground and demand some help, as it is it sounds like they are treating you as a doormat.

[Wolf mom]

Did you ASK??? Sometimes people need to be asked directly, expecting them to help doesn't work - especially if you've been doing all this by yourself for a while.

I know through experience.

[Lilandra]

there are two types of chores in a farming family - inside and outside chores.
sit down with the family and make a list of what needs to be done - have the family pick which chores they want to do, then next month rotate. Some kids are better at inside chores and others outside ones - let them do what their strengths are and have them assist in areas that they are weak in.

chores build character, teach responsibility and pride, time management and to prioritize tasks. Its a good life lesson that will help them as they make their own way in the world. Its also a good time to have one on one quality time with the kids or hubby and be able to talk and get to know each other better

once you get your family on board - the inside will be managed (many hands light work) the outside under control and no more lone ranger farming - late nights/long days for you will be minimal

[bumpus]

.
This does not apply to children still in diapers and can not walk.


Your working to provide them a place to sleep and food to eat.

If they don't help be nice and give them one blanket a peace, and tell them to sleep in the back yard.

Don't feed them, no water, no bath, no money.

No house to stand or sit in.

And don't let them on the porch, or in the barn, or sheads, or chicken house.
Maybe they can sleep in the pig pin.

Because if they don't learn it now, and you die tomorrow that is where they will be out in the cold with out anything.

Teach your children to work for themeselves and don't just give them everything which teaches a child how to use other people all of the time with no respect.

Don't take them anywhere to have fun, that is out is they don't work and help out.

Children will live the way a parent lets them get by.

And farm work won't kill them either.
But your doing all the work yourself could kill you, and I'm not joking.
It will catch up with you.

Be a child whisper-er. Don't shout just talk plain, and stick to you guns.

bumpus
.

[big rockpile]

Ok everyone is saying the Children,but what about DH?

big rockpile

[Wayne02]

The solution is for you to prioritize those homesteading/farming activities that are most important and then cut back on the rest.
See this thread
http://homesteadingtoday.com/showthread.php?t=211768

The farm is your deal, so you must deal with it. Make some decisions on what items can be scaled back and do it. Your family enjoys the results of the farm, yep, I bet the do, but I also bet they are not into it enough that they are interested in doing the addtional work for it. It is as simple as that. Yes, I believe kids should have chores regardless of where they live. However, you will just be banging your head against the wall forcing your spouse and whoever else to help do the main farm work in a lifestyle which you admit is "your deal".

2 hours commute? Been there and done that for 18 years. That kind of commute in the type of traffic that is in our area is debilitating to the soul. It will sap the strength right out of you. No wonder you are stressed, you spend two hours a day in traffic getting built up resentment because others are not acting in accordance with your farming wishes. You feel pressure from work, from the commute, and from trying to be the happy farmer.

I know this will not be popular advice but how many times have we seen this subject come up on this forum? As much as we all hate to admit it, not everybody (even in our own family) wants to do the homesteading/farming thing. We need to either accept that and work with it realistically, or get new spouses/family members who's interests are in line with our own.

[Jennifer L.]

I was going to post essentially what Wayne did. You need to cut back so you aren't doing so much, so you ENJOY what you are doing. I know, you are going to say normally things aren't that bad, that you do like doing it, etc. But if you have gotten to the point where you've voiced this to us here, you REALLY are getting tired of it. I don't know how much you do, but it's probably animals that take up the majority of this time (you aren't going out late to garden). If you have a "little of everything" that's just the kind of thing to stop doing. If you have goats, sheep, rabbits, chickens and cows, then you need to cut back to goats and chickens, or rabbits and cows, etc. You don't need to do everything. If you really like all of them, you can get back into them later. But right now cut yourself some slack and thin things down so they are manageable.

I'd like to think your family would help you out, but if this is seen as "Mom's hobby" then you can't expect then to be jumping to help you. If they are getting major benefits from your work, well, that's more of a leg to stand on and you might think about getting them to help. But I really think your answer is to cut back to the point where it's fun again.

Jennifer

[Jenn]

Here it's my hobby so I do only as much as I can handle day in and day out. And sometimes plants die but never animals (though I've postponed getting a lot of animals). Where your activities cut down on a customary task- is grocery shopping less often or shorter? Then whoever is saved from that chore (you and DH not the kids I expect) should share in the work that lessens the otehr chore. And kids need chores of some sort.

DH argued on DD14's side that DD14 shouldn't have to mow lawn since I'm the one who wanted 3 (well I wanted 6-50 but I took what I could get...) acres not 1/2 acre in town. I countered with- using our 52" deck gitrdone mower on our 2 acres lawn takes only as long as a walk behind mower would on a town lawn so sorry she can do her share as defined by me. Also that if we had my twenty acres I'd have cattle and no mowing....

Anyway as noted I make DD mow lawn sometimes and when I start a full time job that'll happen a lot more (in fact DH will even have to do some yard work). Feel quite happy to send kids out to pick carrots or strawberries- same as having them haul in groceries from car or wash and prep the ones from the store.... And pet and pool care is kids' work as much as they can safely handle (I ultimately ensure no creature is endangered and handle dangerous chemicals).

BTW it's all my hobby because it's all an option. If we HAD to have organic food because of a family sensitivity/health issue, or were too poor to buy food we grow elsewhere, well then it would be required family chores to be shared by all of us depending on who is capable and has the time (now I do a lot anyway since not working much- kids really only have chores to teah responsibility- they'll have a lot more once I start work).

[DocM]

When my kids were younger, they were simply assigned chores, and the animal work was pretty well divided up. Not because I feed and shelter them, but because a majority of the animals were their 4H projects and it taught them responsibility. When they tired of doing rabbits, I didn't force them to keep doing rabbit chores; we sold off the rabbits and assorted equip. We were pretty tired of eating rabbit anyway. Now we're down to sheep, chickens, horses, and goats. The sheep are the kids' responsibility, but really, they aren't much work, they're out on pasture. Check the water and throw them hay in bad weather. Later in the year when it gets closer to lambing, run them in the lambing pasture and feed them pellets once a day. Takes all of about 10 minutes. The horses take about as much energy as the sheep. Check their water (it's on an auto fill with a tank heater) and toss them some hay. Actually, the 10 minutes to do the sheep includes the horses. Chickens and goats are mine because they're my animals. My two at home aren't eating tons of eggs, or drinking much milk, or showing them. And honestly, if your chores are taking hours, you need to simplify the chores. Doing the chickens and goats AM and PM takes less than half an hour. When I"m milking, it takes about an hour, for 5-6 milking does and a double milker. If it's taking you longer, get rid of some of the animals, or streamline what you're doing. I went out to dinner last night. I did my "chores" before I left, at 2 PM. It didn't kill the goats to go in early, and it didn't kill the chickens to have their chicken door closed at midnight. Closing the chicken house door - that's the only "chore" I had when I came home. There's nobody else to blame around here, my kids are growing up and have one foot out the door, and I've run this place by myself for years and years. Decades. My kids are nearly grown, have responsibilities and commitments outside the house, jobs, school, sports. As they've been gone more, their responsibility to me lessens. If "farming" is your dream, and not everyone else's in the family, then it's probably time to reevaluate the dream.