Anybody get negativity from family members?

Terry W · #1 03/26/07, 01:26 PM

hey everyone--
How many people, whether doing this long term or short, or just trying to live the life they want- got, get, or are getting all klinds of resistance from people who claim they "only want what's best" for us? Every time I think I have moved a step forward, some family member tears out what I am building as far as network contacts, plans, market contacts, etc. One has even started reading all my mail--e-mail, snail mail, notes left on my vehicle by people I advocate for-- it is not a comfortable feeling. It only helps put me in a position where I can wind up in the hospital for a very long period of time. Shoot, I can't even cross-train my Service Dog with these people around--I am trying hard to get out of myliving situation, but still--a deposit takes time to accumulate, and I am not being permitted to put in the 'time I need to in order to qualify for the FSA assistance!!!

I really could use a good shoulder right now--but hey, it still wouldn't help me get my arm up above my head...

terry W

Jan Doling · #2 03/26/07, 01:44 PM

This is why my "family" now is no longer siblings I am related to, but rather, siblings I have chosen!

**Terri** · #3 03/26/07, 02:32 PM

Yes indeed!

My family tends to be rather negative ANYWAYS, and when a GIRL wants to follow a GUY career!!!!!!!!!

WELL!

I learned to not talk about things until they were under way, with something to show for it. Because, they really ARE trying to help me, it is just my ideas are so WIERD because they are not what they think I should be doing. They would MUCH rather that I settled down in a McMansion!

Terry, you have a problem. Your family is reading your mail (which is illegal), and they apparently have access to your e-mail.

You need to get an e-mail account that they cannot read. As a computer-illiterate person I do not know how, but I am sure that it can be done.

You sound like you need a friend who also thinks outside the box. Do you have any?

What is the business that you are trying to start?

Maura · #4 03/26/07, 03:27 PM

Get a hotmail account and use your library to access it. They will let you go to the library to get romance novels, won't they? For snail mail, get a post office box. You'll have to hide the key or have an accomplice. You might also contact FSA an explain your problem. I don't know what you want from them, but somebody there might be able to help you get into a more independent situation.

Jim S. · #5 03/26/07, 04:22 PM

Wow, I have been on both sides of that, I realize after reading your posts. I have been the subject of "best for you" and been the one telling someone else I want "what's best for you."

I do realize, when I contemplate, that most of this kind of stuff originates from fear. Folks who tell you they want "what's best for you" are really saying they are afraid that the course you are on may be harmul to you. But it is their fear (of if I am doing it to someone else, it is coming out of my own fears).

Thanks for the post, Terry... you made this ol hard-head think a bit. Never a bad thing!

frugalwilady · #6 03/26/07, 06:17 PM

I feel for you!!! My "father" and stepmother define keeping up with the Jones. There has been alot of friction between us for a long time. They have had comments on everything from whether or not kids should be allowed to get dirty playing outside, to how long my little brother can visit us, to the vehicle I drive.(They made me hide my beater in their garage in case the neighbors might see!) After a while I decided for my own self-worth I would stop having a relationship with someone that I will never be good enough for. Believe it or not it made me feel better to stop talking to them. I'm certainly not saying to be that drastic, I tried a million times to tell them how I felt. Please try to talk to them about how you feel, I hope your family responds for you. Try to respectfully set some boundaries(especially if you are living with them!) If its their computer they are reading you email on, I agree w/the library solution and the PO Box. Tell them that they don't have to support or agree w/ your dream but you still need them to support YOU. As an adult you have a right to make your own mistakes, thats how people LEARN.(I'm not saying your dream is a mistake but they seem to think so) If you tell them this is what you need to do and you are not willing to let anything change your mind, they may not respond, but it will make YOU feel better to stand up for yourself.
GOOD LUCK!!!

Cyngbaeld · #7 03/26/07, 07:21 PM

Yeah, but I'd rather put up with them being negative, than to have to go live the lifestyle they think I should. Being the black sheep really isn't that bad. Hang in there, don't let them blot out your dreams!

Freeholder · #8 03/26/07, 07:32 PM

Yes. I think almost all of us have gotten a hard time from someone, somewhere along the line. It's hard for them to understand why we want to work hard and get dirty in order to grow our own food, when it is 'cheaper' and 'cleaner' to just go buy it at the store!

Kathleen

Christiaan · #9 03/26/07, 09:19 PM

To quote George Burns,"Happiness is a big, loving family in a city far, far away."
Good luck.

brosil · #10 03/27/07, 07:38 AM

" You should sell that farm and move to town. You could buy a nice house and not have to work so hard. After all, you could always garden."
I suppose I could take up drinking, go to strip clubs and cheat on my wife with all that extra time. Fortunately, the in-laws don't have that control over me. Unfortunately, it sounds like your family has too much. All I can suggest is to kep climbing out of that hole.

AngieM2 · #11 03/27/07, 07:50 AM

Terry - I guess I've missed the background information of why you are in this situation. I don't know if you are young, medical problems, or other reason.

But, good luck - the negativity is one thing, the invasion of e-mails and mail and other privacy items sure is another.

Hope you can find a place that feels better, and works for you. Even if it's only there with some acceptable changes.

Good luck -
Angie

turtlehead · #12 03/27/07, 08:19 AM

Wow, I feel for you guys facing so much opposition.

These posts have helped me realize how easy I have it. My family don't "get" my lifestyle choice but they say "Hey, it's not for me, but whatever floats your boat!" Thanks for opening my eyes.

LostnEurope · #13 03/27/07, 08:25 AM

That is one of the Reasons I am in Europe and my Family is in Texas....For years I drove myself crazy trying to please everyone...And do what they thought was best for me.Then after crashing, and sleeping for 2 weeks and being put on antidepressants I took some time and thought about things and decided that it was my life. I was an adult and I really didn't need to make anyone happy except myself (and of course my wife and children).......So, much to their dismay me and the family picked up and relocated to Germany.......Now, 9 years later I think my family has finally started to understand.Now the only big issues we have are me being here (am trying to find a way back to the states, but isn't cheap with wife and 2 kids).....I finally told my Mother very recently what my plans were if we returned...To try to establish a small, hopefully sustainable homestead working toward me working the farming aspect and my wife having an outside job(wife's choice, she wants to work)...I was pleasently suprised that my mother supported this, she encouraged me to try to do it soon while I still have the energy...I really do not care what the rest of my family thinks ( my dad is very supportive, but unfortanately lives in an area that I really dislike)....The only other issue is my choice of religous beliefs and practices....Those they can choose to accept or not..They work for me and bring me peace.....There comes a point where you have to do what is right for YOU and not what everyone thinks you should do.................Mike

Terry W · #14 03/27/07, 09:28 AM

Thanks for all the good support--

I am disabled--not much fun in that-- recently graduated with a degree in Environmental Science. Looking at employment at the Arboretum where I do a LOT of volunteer work.

The apartment I was living in was very detrimental to my overall health, and the administration there (public housing- being investigated by HUD!!!) was intent on destroying me--see, I stood up for myself and others

So, my brother said I could live out in the boonies with him, while I got a deposit together-- Somehow, MY Computer is now at his office, and yes-- I have accounts for e-mail I can access from libraries-- BUT-- I LOVE to spend sleepless nights websurfing- I actually found I could get a lot of research done that way when in College. Have had a PO Box for years--a result of having mail put in the wrong boxes at the apartment and ne-er do wells reading it!

My brother does not understand, in order for FSA programs to kick in for me, I have to be actively farming-- and when he says "use that Area for..." and when I get started, he undoes everything-- well-- that is not much help, is it?

I am working hard to get the deposit together-- I don't care at this point, what he says about a certain "land company" but I will probably go that route. They will finance with no credit check, and I do have some 'credit' built up in the Amish community that can help build me a small house. I am also participating in two research studies that provide a bit of 'untaxed' and 'uncounted' income that can be used to further my dream.( those studies are funded by federal and state programs concerned with getting disabled back into the work force) Meanwhile, I look forward to surgery to replace a knee in the coming fall--At least the Amish I know can build fast and well!@!!

**Terri** · #15 03/27/07, 02:09 PM

Is it possible to rent 5 acres? The local extension service should be able to help you find somebody, since apparently your brother cannot be trusted. Here in Kansas, going price is $100 an acre, though that is for larger parcels.

Would it be possible for you to clear a space in your room with the stated intention of moving in the computer?

It is not easy to start a business, it never has been. The problems differ, but there are ALWAYS problems!

This, apparently is one of yours.

Also, the folks at where you volenteer can be told that your brother does NOT pass on the messages, so they need to contact you in person. Details need not be given.

AngieM2 · #16 03/27/07, 02:31 PM

TerryW
sorry about all those problems. That's the pits for sure.

Do what works for you, and in the conditions you can live with on the land.

Good luck.

Angie

Sparticle · #17 03/27/07, 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Terry W

My brother does not understand, in order for FSA programs to kick in for me, I have to be actively farming-- and when he says "use that Area for..." and when I get started, he undoes everything-- well-- that is not much help, is it?

so you've tried to start and he messes it up somehow? that sounds awful. i wish you could find someone to rent a room from that would let you start your work. I wish freedom and happiness for you.

My family isn't really supportive, but they don't tear down what I'm trying to do. They don't come out here and I always have to drive in to town to visit. But I do always get the "I don't know why you work so hard, why don't you just get a place in town and put in a garden?" But that really applies to friends (or former friends) too. I have a very small number of people i relate to now because my former friends and I don't have the same outlook on life. I have just a few friends I've met here and 2 others besides. Who needs more than that though?

my thoughts are with you.

quietstar · #18 03/27/07, 07:09 PM

Hi Terry..I have a strong hunch that your brother could become your supporting partner in your dream. Problem may be he views you as his semi helpless sister and makes moves to protect you from yourself. Good, loving men often are very protective. Bet if you can put together a logical program of plans you have to make everything work, he can be persuaded to come on board. Look deep into his eyes and convince him of how important your dreams are to you and tell him how much you need his support. Everyone with any soul has dreams and can be made to understand you do too. Blessings on your determination....Glen

woodsrunner · #19 03/27/07, 09:36 PM

Back in the 70's I had an aunt and uncle doing the "back to the land" thing. Ever since spending a summer with them back then, I've been chasing the dream. A year ago I married the woman I consider my soulmate. I gave up my small town place to live in the small city she lived in. We're really pushing limits in an attempt at self sufficiency. At family events my mother is very vocal (proudly bragging) about our lifestyle. Imagine my suprise when my aunt who influenced me so much way back when made the comment, "Making your wifes kids live like that is child abuse". I always thought child abuse was much worse than living without a refrigerator and cable TV.

I guess some people just don't get it. Especially the ones that should.

BamaSuzy · #20 03/28/07, 09:22 AM

If you have friends and supporters in the Amish community, see if you can temporarily live or rent from one of them while you get your deposit for your own place!!! And please keep us posted on your progress!!!

My most negative person is generally my HUSBAND and that makes it really hard. He doesn't understand a lot of the things I want and love to do....unless it makes money, he's not interested...

Right now the addition I built on my little chicken house has sat with no roof for nearly TWO years. I did put a tarp on it the first year but the Alabama sun and winds have shreded it now. Hopefully my 33 year old daughter and I will get a tin roof on it this spring...

And I don't understand his being negative about that because the chickens pay for their own feed and the feed for all the other animals through their egg sales PLUS bring in many many many customers for my little farm store....folks come to buy eggs and wind up buying goat milk soap, a lap quilt, jelly, etc....

I have 15 acres here and anything farm-related or homestead related is "my" job....even the garden is totally ignored by him...he'd rather just buy the food in the store...

But I continue with my dream because this is the way I want to live....I hang out our clothes to dry, don't have and don't want a clothes dryer; we heat with wood (with an Ashley heater that I bought); and more and more...I try to stock pile food and supplies for emergencies and he doesn't even "get" that....

But thank goodness for forums such as this and those at BACKWOODS HOME and more....I don't know what I'd do with COUNTRYSIDE magazine and BWH! and the early MEN AND Carla Emery's book!!!

keep us posted Terry! Don't give up your dreams!!!!