11/22/06, 02:11 PM
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Zone 9b, Lake Harney, Central FL
Posts: 4,898
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Rules For A Happy Thanksgiving!
THE 10 RULES FOR THE BUFFET LINE AT THANKSGIVING DINNER
(Print and post this on the front door ASAP!)
1. If you are allergic to anything, get the ingredients before the
buffet table is set. Don't wait until you are in line and ask what
everything is on the dang table! You will get punched in the head for that!
2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your --- down until
someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you
to be independent. Nibble on them dang pecans and walnuts to hold you over.
3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, keep them in the basement
and bring their food down there. Tell them that they are not allowed
upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family
stories about their mommas and papas. If they bring their ---
upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I
will break a foot off in it!
4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We
do not care what you are thankful for at the buffet table. Save that
talk for somebody who gives a dang. The time limit for the prayer is
one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you
will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be
swollen for approximately 20 minutes.
5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you
don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy --- home and
not to come next year!
6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a
plate in my good Tupperware knowing dang well that I will never see
it again! If you touch my Stuff, I will shoot you!! Hands down!
7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my
house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE
SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
8. Don't not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house.
This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call
every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll
call, your child will put outside until you come and get him or her.
After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ---!!
9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your --- home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED THE HECK OUT AT 5pm.
You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup
kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner!
You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the
appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There
will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his
greedy --- family, we know have a credit card machine! So VISA and
MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR
ACCESS CARDS YET!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
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