Question ... just curious

SFM in KY · #1 01/26/14, 07:03 PM

I always see a lot of posts here and on FB as well with families having adult children/grandchildren and more extended family move back in because of circumstances ... lost jobs, health, etc.

Seems as if some of these 'emergency stays' end up pretty long term. I know it does depend on circumstances, health especially, I would think and probably a little different with your own children vs. extended family members, but generally when do most people feel that a temporary stay has gone on 'too long' and needs to be over? Or do some feel it should be indefinite?

Ravenlost · #2 01/26/14, 08:24 PM

When you're not comfortable having them in your home and everyone is starting to get on one another's nerves.

Yvonne's hubby · #3 01/26/14, 09:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SFM in KY

I always see a lot of posts here and on FB as well with families having adult children/grandchildren and more extended family move back in because of circumstances ... lost jobs, health, etc.

Seems as if some of these 'emergency stays' end up pretty long term. I know it does depend on circumstances, health especially, I would think and probably a little different with your own children vs. extended family members, but generally when do most people feel that a temporary stay has gone on 'too long' and needs to be over? Or do some feel it should be indefinite?

Kinfolk have three day visiting privedges in my home... after three days they are welcome as long as they pay their rent utilities and general upkeep and don't get in my way.

willow_girl · #4 01/26/14, 09:41 PM

Up until Nov. 2012, I lived in a retirement community, and in the last year or two I spent there, A LOT of adult children had started moving back in with their parents! Two cases on our cul-de-sac alone. Both of those "kids" came back following divorces, I presume for financial reasons.

My third husband and I also had his adult son and son's girlfriend live with us for a winter while they were unemployed. I'd say it became annoying when I was the only one working, but also the only one inclined to clean the house or shovel the snow. GRRR!

fellini123 · #5 01/26/14, 11:14 PM

Last summer DH and I went out to visit his mother. She expected us to stay the whole summer!!!

After 3 days we were both ready to get on our way!!!! We stayed for 5 days, just couldnt take it anymore. His mother was VERY upset and crying because we were leaving. It was a horrible experience~!!
But it is over, he will have to go out by himself next year!! LOL

Alice in Virginia

Raymond James · #6 01/26/14, 11:27 PM

I like living as large multi generational family. Regardless of finances it makes sense for a lot of cultures around the world

I think for as many people who hate it but do it to save money there are people that love it. Our American society say's it is wrong but again I like it.

KIT.S · #7 01/26/14, 11:35 PM

We have 3 generations in the house all the time, and the 4th comes to visit frequently. If my daughter didn't live with my mom and me, it would be so much harder! She works different hours than I do, so there is someone here with mom more than I could be, and DD helps with the animals, wood stove, garden, dinner. She's definitely not a freeloader. My son comes to help pretty regularly, and when he needs child care or a weekend off or a button sewed on, we all reciprocate.

I like the large family situation. It's so much easier on everyone when the chores and duties are shared, and I think it's great for the little kids to grow up that way. They have more people who will do something with them, teach them, take them places and pay attention.
Kit

Vernitta · #8 01/26/14, 11:53 PM

After my SIL's divorce she got an apartment, but on her teacher's salary it cost too much. We live about an hour outside of San Francisco to give you an idea of how expensive things are here. My inlaws two bedrooms and a full bathroom into a little apartment and my SIL moved in. She pays rent and some of the utilities. Plus, she's there for her 80-something yr old parents if they need her. Everything works well for them.

One of my BILs, his wife, and three kids moved in with my inlaws for about a month or two. I don't remember why. That was a bit difficult. They moved back in a few months later for about seven months, but stayed in a fifth wheel while they were saving money for a house. That went a lot smoother.

We plan on moving in with my inlaws while we move out of this place and head to our new place, but we will only be there for about a week and a half.

Wendy · #9 01/27/14, 12:19 AM

I think it's fine as long as everyone pulls there own weight. I have seen too many kids move back home & mom & dad foot the bills while they spend their money on cell phones, clothes, & going to the clubs.

montysky · #10 01/27/14, 02:31 AM

My Kids are still kids eldest 13 so not an issue yet, But any member of the family could stay as long was they need to or want to. Kin is Kin in my book. but we also own a working ranch so there is a lot of room.

SFM in KY · #11 01/27/14, 05:59 AM

In the ranch community where I grew up, it was common to see a multi-family arrangement ... sometimes grandparents, parents and one or more children and their families. Grandparents started the ranch, their child/children took over and then it went on with the grandchildren. But almost always there was a separate house for each family but it was a planned situation, never intended to be different.

Since I've moved here to KY I see it but it doesn't seem to be a planned situation, it's people living in town, not an extended family that builds another house and shares (and eventually takes over) the running of a farm/ranch. I've not known anyone well in that kind of situation so not just sure how most people handle it when it comes up.

soulsurvivor · #12 01/27/14, 07:02 AM

I'm not in a confidential connect with anyone about sharing the family farm, but I know plenty who do it. Over the years the stories accumulate of who was successful in the inheritance and who wasn't so happy about it. It's not done in malice by discussing these things but it's done as a rural type of gossip that goes along with living in the same location for decades and personally knowing everyone and their kin. And it's a bit of trying to learn from the mistakes of others so you can avoid it with your own families.

So, from my decades of observation I can tell you that the happiest people are the ones that are/were covered by a legal document spelling everything out from a to z. Everybody loves everybody and that's a given but when it comes to money/property/ownership the legal documents have to be in place for any of that goodwill to continue. And that's just a fact of living in a materialistic reality such as we all do. Amen and pass the butter.

Ambereyes · #13 01/27/14, 07:21 AM

In my area, which is predominately Hispanic, multi-generational family living is the norm.

watcher · #14 01/27/14, 07:45 AM

If you are an adult you should take care of yourself, not expect mommy and daddy or the government to do it for you.

Except for TEOTWAWKI I don't see any way any adult will be able to move into our house w/o paying rent.

Mike in Ohio · #15 01/27/14, 10:14 AM

I don't think it is so much an issue of multigenerational families as it is people pulling their weight. We have a friend where she is the only one bringing in an income. Her husband works on and off when he feels like it. Her kids moved back in and lay around playing video games all day. Her sister moved in along with 2 kids. The house isn't getting cleaned unless our friend does it (She works two jobs). Meals don't get made unless she makes them. Dishes don't get done unless she does them. I think you get the picture.

Mike

Ambereyes · #16 01/27/14, 10:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mike in Ohio

I don't think it is so much an issue of multigenerational families as it is people pulling their weight. We have a friend where she is the only one bringing in an income. Her husband works on and off when he feels like it. Her kids moved back in and lay around playing video games all day. Her sister moved in along with 2 kids. The house isn't getting cleaned unless our friend does it (She works two jobs). Meals don't get made unless she makes them. Dishes don't get done unless she does them. I think you get the picture.

Mike

Not trying to down the lady but why does she continue to take care of their needs. There would be no dishes done, no meals cooked and no money coming into the household from my paycheck.. but that's just me. We have had family live with us from time to time and the rules were laid out before the set foot in the house. If they could not abide by them they would leave. Never had any problems with the family living here though..

Tabitha · #17 01/27/14, 12:02 PM

Ds lost his job and moved in with us in November. He left yesterday. I'm gonna miss him. He sees what needs to be done, split wood, repaired everything that needed it, including my chainsaw, cooked when needed...The only thing getting on my nerves were his guns leaning in every corner.
I miss family. But I could not stand a bunch of lazy free loaders. The marriage of a friend of ours broke up because of her three sons. Three adult males, and she hired to have the grass cut, while he was in the Dakota oilfields trying to make more money to pay the farm off, she and her offspring were too lazy to harvest the garden that he planted. They could not bother to say hello because they had to play games.

Mike in Ohio · #18 01/27/14, 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ambereyes

Not trying to down the lady but why does she continue to take care of their needs. There would be no dishes done, no meals cooked and no money coming into the household from my paycheck.. but that's just me. We have had family live with us from time to time and the rules were laid out before the set foot in the house. If they could not abide by them they would leave. Never had any problems with the family living here though..

Some people are like that Ambereyes. I don't understand it but nobody can change things for her, she needs to change them herself.

I'd even say you are being too nice. Me, I'd kick their butts out the door mighty quick.

In my mind it's not about rules it's about doing the right thing. I was raised to always give a hand cleaning up after meals. Even when it is a holiday family thing where the women are doing the dishes and chatting while the men are in the living room I still at least help clear the table.

You clean up after yourself. You contribute and help out. To me, that's jsut the way things are.

Ambereyes · #19 01/27/14, 03:26 PM

That's the way I raised my kids 3 boys and a girl, I feel it has served them well. I was trying to be PC in my comments, my thoughts were a bit more colorful..

shannsmom · #20 01/27/14, 03:45 PM

I wish my 40 year old brother were like some of yall's sons! He has been living with (off of) my parents for at least 5 years this time (he's like a boomerang, keeps coming back), does no dishes, cooks 1 or 2 times a month, doesn't work. Cusses them, refuses to help when asked. Our 11 year old DD contributes more to our household than he does to theirs. In fact, with the price of everything going up now, my 70 year old retired father just went back to work full time while the bum lays around playing facebook games all day. I have already told him that when they die, he is not moving in with us. So, I think any time you have family move in with you, deadlines and responsibilities need to be in writing beforehand, and i think 6 months should be a good deadline to either get out or reassess the situation and draw up a new "contract".