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  #1  
Old 06/25/13, 08:58 AM
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: South Louisiana
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My DD and a boy

So my oldest, a 15 YO DD is interested in a boy, 14. Both are well-churched, homeschooled, and innocent. They have been good friends for quite some time but over the past 3 months or so, have been allowed to be together in our company or out to an amusement park with groups of other friends and their parents or us (wife and I). Never alone. Never held hands. Never kissed. The boy is very kind and sweet to her. We have laid down the rules for dating...there won't be any as our opinion is that dating and going through boy after boy after boy is simply practicing for divorce. My opinion. Yesterday, she asked if she could go to the boy's house and play music together while his mother is at the house. THey are both very much musically inclined and IMO again, very gifted. My wife and I have a problem with her going to his house, out of our site, with only the mother there. We know the mother well, but we think she could leave the room at any time and that could lead to "alone time", and we are not comfortable with that. For those of you that subscribe to the courting agenda, are we correct in not letting her go there?

Thoughts appreciated. Thanks in advance.

RW In South La.

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  #2  
Old 06/25/13, 09:11 AM
 
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I wouldn't be concerned about that small amount of "alone time"

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  #3  
Old 06/25/13, 09:24 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rwinsouthla View Post
So my oldest, a 15 YO DD is interested in a boy, 14. Both are well-churched, homeschooled, and innocent. They have been good friends for quite some time but over the past 3 months or so, have been allowed to be together in our company or out to an amusement park with groups of other friends and their parents or us (wife and I). Never alone. Never held hands. Never kissed. The boy is very kind and sweet to her. We have laid down the rules for dating...there won't be any as our opinion is that dating and going through boy after boy after boy is simply practicing for divorce. My opinion. Yesterday, she asked if she could go to the boy's house and play music together while his mother is at the house. THey are both very much musically inclined and IMO again, very gifted. My wife and I have a problem with her going to his house, out of our site, with only the mother there. We know the mother well, but we think she could leave the room at any time and that could lead to "alone time", and we are not comfortable with that. For those of you that subscribe to the courting agenda, are we correct in not letting her go there?

Thoughts appreciated. Thanks in advance.

RW In South La.
A little "alone time" is not that big of an issue. The boy's mother will be in the house and her leaving the room is not the huge danger that you foresee. I have 2 sons, ages 17 and 16. I have had girls (friends of my oldest) visit on numerous occasions and believe me, while I may be out of the room, I have my ultrasonic bat-like hearing turned on and I can hear everything. Plus, I pop in and out of the room they are in (public rooms only -- no bedrooms and no closed doors) frequently. You may want to talk to the boy's mother to make sure that you are both on the same page in terms of what your ideas of supervision are. That may help you to be more comfortable with the idea. I'm a little curious about the no dating thing. Is that no dating ever? How will she ever find her eventual husband if she is never allowed to date? That just seemed a little unusual to me.
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  #4  
Old 06/25/13, 09:25 AM
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I agree, if their hearts were set on clandestine activities, they'd have done them by now! You said they are both churched, homeschooled and innocent. I wouldn't get overly concerned especially since you know where she will be and that there is an adult present.

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  #5  
Old 06/25/13, 09:29 AM
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As one who courted not dated before marriage, I would think you need to emphasize that the boy is a friend not a boyfriend. So boyfriend/girlfriend behavior is not going to happen. So if possible- encourage groups of friends to be together with a bit of supervision from adults. One on one time is not necessary for their friendship at this age.
Is the boys mother aware of your ideas and if so what does she say?

If you think they will have ample alone time over there then I'd say forget it. I wouldn't want my children, whether they dated or courted, to be getting so much unsupervised time with someone they liked at that age. That may end up leading to trouble- or just getting them both a little too emotionally involved in each other.

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  #6  
Old 06/25/13, 10:28 AM
 
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I agree with those who say the alone time will be so short that there is most likely nothing to worry about. My eldest dd, who will soon be 19, learned to play drums and a little guitar from her (now) boyfriend in a similar manner at 17, and his mother was always very vigilant about keeping tabs on what was going on in her home. Almost two full years later, she still is when my dd is over at her house even though both are adults and in college.

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  #7  
Old 06/25/13, 11:39 AM
 
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We believe in courtship...and for us, we would NOT allow our dd to go over to a boy's house for the purpose of spending time with him, even with his mother there. now, she might visit his sisters and mother, with that being the purpose of the visit, but most likely WE would be there with our other dc and it would be families visiting and while there, in open areas with others present, they might be playing music together.

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  #8  
Old 06/25/13, 12:02 PM
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At some point you have to trust your children and allow that you have raised them in such away that you can.

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  #9  
Old 06/25/13, 12:08 PM
 
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WOW.

My kids go to public school and Church. They aren't allowed to date until they are 16. They can hang out in groups with the opposite sex when they are 15 but not before. I was very impressed with my 15 year old son when he asked the Dad of a girl he liked if he could invite her and her brother to Youth Group at Church. He told Dad that I would be driving them and that she would be in the front seat with the rest of the kids in the back and that there would be no 'alone time' as it's well supervised. Dad said YES and we had the pleasure of their company for a few months. But I thought we were the last of the strict parents!

We homeschooled for 5 years. I've seen plenty of kids who, if they wanted to spend time with the opposite sex would do anything they could to do it. I remember a certain Preacher's son who got a girl pregnant when she was 15 and he was 16. The parents on both sides would have sworn they were supervised at all times, but they forgot that in group situations their friends aren't going to run and tell if they snuck off behind a bush for a little 'alone time'.

Where there's a hormone, there's a way.

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  #10  
Old 06/25/13, 12:23 PM
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My parents did that with me.. I became very rebellious...

You have to trust your kids some time... What's the old saying about if you love something set it free????

Besides.. isn't she out of yyour sight when she goes shopping or somewhere else? Do you know for a fact she is really where she is supposed to be, or doing what you expect of her.. or do you keep her in sight 24/7?

Seriously.. let your daughter grow.. If you did good, she'll do good and make you proud.

Treating a kid like you don't trust them will often lead problems...

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  #11  
Old 06/25/13, 12:34 PM
 
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Frankly, I'm glad to see parents who have thought this through. A 14 year old and 15 year old who are being chaperoned by parents aren't really "dating". They are spending time together. Your DD is learning that boys can be friends, how weird and illogical they are. I'm a little surprised that a girl would be interested in a boy a year younger, but perhaps he is mature for his age.

You need to make your expectations clear, which you apparently have, and leave it at that. Stop worrying that if the chaperone leaves the room the two kids will rip their clothes off and make babies. Ain't gonna happen like that. If they really wanted to have sex they wouldn't be asking permission to see each other, they'd be sneaking off. I would let her go to the boy's house. There will be adult supervision, and if you show you don't trust her and are toooo strict, when she rebels she will do it sexually. As it is, you have a lot of control over the situation. Show her that you trust her, and say it: I trust you to behave like a lady. Say it in a friendly manner, not a threatening manner.

At some point your wife will need to talk to her about a male's perception of sex vs a female's. She needs to tell DD that a boy will say anything to get into her pants, then give a list (because she will hear these if she hasn't already) everyone else is doing it, scared? don't you trust me? you're a goody 2 shoes,... and my favorite, why not?

I would be concerned more if the boy was older than she. A fifteen year old girl sees a seventeen year old boy as a man and an authority. When she dates, she needs to date boys her own age so she has a better chance at controlling him.

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  #12  
Old 06/25/13, 12:38 PM
 
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Sorry, double post.

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  #13  
Old 06/25/13, 01:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Maura View Post
When she dates, she needs to date boys her own age so she has a better chance at controlling him.
Control him?
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  #14  
Old 06/25/13, 01:09 PM
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I went to college with the daughter of a preacher who was raised VERY conservatively. Within a few weeks of school starting, she had gone absolutely wild and was having sex with any boy she could get her hands on, drinking, smoking dope, and getting tattoos in inappropriate places (helpful hint: always ask where a tattoo is located before asking to see it - it may just be flames tattooed on places normally covered by panties ).

She went home for Christmas break and didn't come back We never did find out what happened, but we suspected that her father had discovered how she'd been living her life for those 4 months she was away and he reined her in.

As a counselor I always used to tell parents that baby steps are important. If you take a child who has never had to make a decision on their own and throw them into an unsupervised environment (like college) than they're going to drown. Better to let them start making some choices and spread their wings a bit while they're still at home where you can guide them than to drop them into the deep end all at once.

I also worked with a girl once with very conservative parents who came up pregnant. Her parents were dumbfounded because they couldn't figure out when she'd had the opportunity to be alone with a boy. Turned out she had excused herself to go to the restroom in a fast food place, and met up with the boy in the family restroom. Less than 5 minutes she was gone, and her parents never suspected a thing .

If they want to do it, their hormones will help them find a way....... Having said that, I think that adult supervision (even an adult popping in and out of a room at unpredictable moments) is a must for kids of this age, because they ARE kids and still need help making good choices. So I don't advocate throwing your hands up and letting them run hog-wild either. But there needs to be a balance IMHO.

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  #15  
Old 06/25/13, 01:17 PM
 
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What concerns me if you are worried about them being alone for even a few minutes is that you have absolutely no trust in what you have taught your daughter. And apparently you do not trust this boy either so why allow them to spend ANY time together? They can wait until you are ready.

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  #16  
Old 06/25/13, 01:26 PM
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I agree with your ideals. I wouldn't let her go there. Sorry but I wont trust other people with my kids welfare.
As for rebellion, to not try because of fear of rebellion is foolish. That would be similar to saying since people break laws, especially if they don't agree with them, like a teenager, we should toss out laws? No.
Lets hope when we have morals and values that our kids will respect us for loving them enough to hold strong to those ideals. Its love not control. We don't want our kids going out and messing up their lives if we can help it. Thats love.
15, 16, 17....not old enough to support yourself, what do you need a BF or GF for?
Grow up, get a job, make a life and then look for a partner to share it with.
I have 3 adults kids and 2 teens at home. Its worth it to try to help them grow as self thinking individuals and not follow friends and hormones.
This is life not a game. We need more parents teaching self respect, individuality, patient's, morals, life!!! Mistakes made in teen years can hurt you your whole adult life. There are STD's to worry about and pg. Thats major stuff not always fixable and pg is for life. Once a parent always a parent. If a persons not ready, their life and the childs suffers.
Stick to your guns!!!!!!! Keep her safe. Thats a loving parent. Its hard but better than trusting a hormonal teen let alone trusting 2! Seriously we all know teens do not think when hormones kick in. Heck even adults have that issue, hence cheating and 100 bf/gf pr year. Thats not what we want for those we love that we are responsible for.

As for my kids. 2 waited till 18 and after to date and let go of their virginity. They planned families.
One got pg at 16. She did good though, took total responsibility, raised that baby and her 2nd one successfully with hard work, no welfare. She is a successful working mom now of one teen and one adult that just started college to be a pharmacist.

So don't fear rebellion. Just do your best with love.

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  #17  
Old 06/25/13, 01:36 PM
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You may want to talk to the boy's mother to make sure that you are both on the same page in terms of what your ideas of supervision are. That may help you to be more comfortable with the idea.
^^^ This^^^
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  #18  
Old 06/25/13, 03:35 PM
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In our house we taught "dating" was shopping for a husband or a wife. You don't go to a car dealership and test different cars because its fun, you test drive the ones you think you want to take home and keep.

Going out with a group with friends is not dating even if you tend to spend a bit more time with one friend than another.

If you can remember think about when you were young. When you first held hands with someone it was cool but after a while it became no big deal. To get a 'thrill' you moved up to that famous, or infamous, first kiss. But after kissing a few times it was nothing to write home about. To get that wow feeling you moved on to FEELING, i.e. 'petting'. After a few petting sessions it became nothing special either so you felt the need to do more to get that same tingle.

If you start 'dating' early you usually start the above process early which means by the time you are old enough to know what you want out of life and a life partner you are jaded. The specialness of doing those things don't mean anything anymore.

Though out my life I've met many couples, some have gone the early dating rout and some who put off 'real dating' until they were older and were serious about finding someone. The stories of the ones who waited were almost storybook fair. AAMOF, I don't know one person who waited who is not still married (two couples who have over 40 years together).

I haven't seen the study but I have read the let's date stuff is bad on girls emotional balance. Like it or not overall women are much more emotional than guys and the break ups are much harder on them. After a while they become, I hate to use the term but I can't think of another, emotionally scarred making it more and more difficult for them to make strong emotional bonds. And those bonds are needed to make a good marriage and family.

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  #19  
Old 06/25/13, 07:50 PM
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I had to pinch myself more than once reading this post and some of the responses.....

We live in 2013...and your kids are going to be out in this world (with all it has to offer) before you know it. Wrapping them in a steel shell is not going to help them at all.

Teach them well, train them to know what (by your standards) is right and wrong. Set them some ground rules. But let them live their lives and follow the rules you have taught them.....

Give them your trust...its such an important things to learn for them.

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  #20  
Old 06/25/13, 09:42 PM
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Ok, so I apparently am the odd-man out here...

I was a wild child raised of conservative and controlling parents. It will backfire on you. Trust me. (And trust your child has listened to your teachings.)

I took black eyes and broken nose AND to spite them, continued to date him. Married him, even... *so there*

Bred two kids.

Raised the two kids by myself (maybe they were right), and was rather blunt with them. Our hamster has a "visitor" ONE night, and within what seemed DAYS she was buried in babies. Our two doves turned into a dozen doves... LOL! (You farm folks?)

My kids know the expected pattern: school, career, house, marriage, and lastly spawn.

You have shown, demonstrated, taught, and counseled.

While she is YOUNG, let her start making smaller decisions. Should I visit? Should I go over to _____'s house? (Help, at this point. When she asks about going -- ASK [not decide for her] if that chore is done, if that ___ is finished, etc. GUIDE HER TO THE DECISION, that SHE gets to make. And point out that SHE has come to a solid decision.)

And then LET HER. Trust her. Trust your foundation. Trust your example in life.

If you freak on her, she will hate that you don't trust her.

(Oh. And my 23-year old son is chaste to this day. My daughter attends OSU and wants-no/has-no beau, not quite chaste - but a once curious and done in HS. And they're comfortable enough that I won't faint -- that they are up-front with me.)

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