comments to mom

chewie · #1 02/07/13, 08:26 AM

my dad retired a few months ago. he's 'difficult' to be around, very negative, bossy and rude. and has NO hobbies. none. other than running my mom down and eating junk food. or any friends. he can be a good guy but in general, a person to avoid. explosive anger, and we're pretty certain he's bipolar but of course, nothing's his fault, ever. so no going to a dr.

I've gotten along well with mom for years, we share many interests, etc. but lately, she too is so negative! some days I can barely have a conversation because of her nagging, negative comments. I am pretty sure its because that's what she hears allll day long and its rubbing off.

when I tell her about things I'm doing, I get a lecture on how I "should" do it. sometimes its about things she's never even done!! and if its not that, its more negative talking about other matters.

is there something I could come back with, that's not too harsh, to quiet this? some way to handle this? I don't want to quit calling her, but this is becoming a real downer. I have slowed down the amt of calls per week but that hasn't seemed to show any changes.

therunbunch · #2 02/07/13, 08:30 AM

Maybe this is a great opportunity to take her out for breakfast or coffee, have some time just to yourselves. Maybe you should express to her that you're concerned that your dad being around all the time might be negatively affecting her. Ask her if SHE would like to talk about anything bothering her. Maybe she just needs a place to vent, maybe she doesn't realize she's being so crabby. I know negativity can rub off on you so easily without you even noticing and you inadvertently treat everyone differently without even knowing you're doing it. She just might need more support right now and surely doesn't mean to be so negative in her daily exchanges with you. Hang in there!

farmgal · #3 02/07/13, 08:39 AM

A third party at the table is one of the strategies taught at college. It gives that ability to bounce another idea out there when a conversation is turning negative. If you have another sibling or friend. People who are and hear negative all day, build paths in their brain, looking for negative. It is difficult to change this as it becomes the easiest path to take in a train of thought. Its what the brain knows. New paths need to be made. Our brains learn a certain way to think and we just keep taking those thought paths.

You have to keep changing the subject every time she goes south. Even keep telling her, mom your going negative. She may start to see it.
Good luck

Mattemma · #4 02/07/13, 08:39 AM

There are a few good books on dealing with toxic family/relationships. I would check those out for comebacks.As far as dealing with them I would recommend avoiding them. Be busy.Cut conversations very short. End the relationship if needed.It is not the end of the world to cut off family.

I am all about honesty and would simply say," You make me feel sad with the things you say to me. I would rather avoid you than put up with it any more."

Tell the truth and the ball is in their court to decide how they will treat you.Then it is up to you to decide what you are willing to put up with.

I avoid those who bring me down.If a person does something that makes you sad the sadness will not disappear when they say," Oh sorry! I didn't meant to hurt your feelings." It stays in you,and that stuff builds up.

Some toxic people might turn it on you, and say you are far to sensitive.Might be true,but you still have a right to decide what is ok for you. Your mum decided life with dad is her lot.Gotta be hard,but it is her choice.Hopfully you can find a way to get along,and if not well I hope you can do right by yourself.You first.

Best wishes!

hippygirl · #5 02/07/13, 08:42 AM

My mother gets like that sometimes as well, but as the nature of our relationship allows it, I'll usually say something like "OK, I see you're in full 'I-hate-the-world-and-all-that's-in-it' mode today, call me back it's over", but that's US...if you can't get away with that, therunbunch offers wisdom galore.

grandma12703 · #6 02/07/13, 08:54 AM

LOL I guess since I have children that are 24-30 years old I am one of those mom's. Just because your kids are grown does not mean you quit caring. Someday you may understand how hard it is to just let go even though it is the right thing to do. I think in the past few years I have come to peace with the fact that what worked for us may not work for them. It was a hard thing to get to though. I hope you can be patient with your mom. If she didn't care she wouldn't make any comments. I don't know your circumstance but this morning my daughter called laughing about the new Miranda Lambert song and said it reminded her so much of me. I listened to it and now I don't know whether to laugh or cry. LOL

Ardie/WI · #7 02/07/13, 09:01 AM

Chewie, just end the phone call when she starts talking like that. Say something like "Gotta get off the phone now" and hang up. Don't give her any reason because that gives her an opening for further negativity.

repeat as necessary.

frogmammy · #8 02/07/13, 09:15 AM

The poor woman is PROBABLY depressed! VERY common for women when their husband retires!

Does your mother live anywhere near you? In that case I would second the taking her out for coffee/lunch on a regular basis. You could also head her in the direction of a local senior center, classes of some type, or even a part time job. IT has been quite common for a stay at home wife to get her FIRST job once her husband retires!

Mon..PS...and let her KNOW what she's doing!

chewie · #9 02/07/13, 09:16 AM

I have no intentions of being anything but kind to mom! she is pretty great and I wish no pain to her. I think she just doesn't see that she's doing this. its simply rub off from dad's snarky ways. I know her daily life has changed drastically and she's having a rough go.

we live 10 hours apart, so there's only a few visits per year. I wish I could take her to lunch, but it ain't happening. I do wish she could've been more involved over these last many years. I used to live in the same county, now I'm a state away.

when she starts in on me, at first I'm irritated, but quickly just sad, knowing that she is simply reflecting how things are going for her.

I can't fix that. but I cannot continue calling her when its mostly a big lecture. its not that she's doling out asked-for, or wanted advice either, its her tone/attitude in it all. like I know nothing at all about anything. she doesn't like what I named my filly, I didn't do a good drawing in art class, I should practice more (uh, that's why I am going to class?!), I should do this and not do that. all very negative. I don't need all sugar and sweetness, but its the tone, if that makes any sense?

this is not like her.
she comments on how sad she is living so far away from us. but its moreso telling me that I shouldn't have taken my kids and moved so far. big guilt trip for me. and I AM sorry I did that, in some ways. in others, not one bit!

I may just pull up my bootstraps and tell her, nicely and gently, you sound like dad. would that be mean? she has enough troubles, I dont' want to add more but even my kids have noticed how snarky she's becoming. if she continues, she'll chase away those who she wants closest. this is a very sensitive issue for me and I have no idea how to deal with it.

Michael W. Smith · #10 02/07/13, 09:33 AM

Well, perhaps your Mother needs to find some new hobbies. Is their a senior center she can go to? Classes in what she is interested in. Volunteering at the hospital or local nursing home.

Surely your Dad has a family doctor he does go to? The next time you are in the area, you might want to make an appointment just so you can go in and tell the doctor what is going on.

If he is a good doctor, he will keep a note on your Dad's file so the next time he comes in for something, the doctor can have some "other" things checked out as well.

ceresone · #11 02/07/13, 10:49 AM

can a 75 year old chime in? Just say, "Mom, You're getting as cranky as Dad" Then go on talking about whatever.

Ravenlost · #12 02/07/13, 11:03 AM

What ceresone said 100 percent!

My mom is like that too...she has no mental filter and blurts out whatever comes to mind...and sometimes it's very hurtful things. She's also very negative and her way is the only way to do things. But, she's always been like that. It does seem to have gotten worse as she's gotten older.

Mostly, I let it go in one ear and out the other. I just say "Yep, you could be right" and move on to a different topic. Sometimes she hurts my feelings and I tell her so. Then she's full of excuses.

Over the years I've come to accept that it is just the way she is and I try not to call her on it to often. My sister is totally different though...she argues with Mama and gets mad. I don't see any point in that...Mama is never going to change so I just do my best to let it ride. Of course, it's easier for me...I live over two hours away and my sister lives next door!

chewie · #13 02/07/13, 11:13 AM

plan A:

Quote:

Originally Posted by ceresone

can a 75 year old chime in? Just say, "Mom, You're getting as cranky as Dad" Then go on talking about whatever.

plan B:

Quote:

I just say "Yep, you could be right"

thanks!!

belladulcinea · #14 02/07/13, 11:24 AM

You are a good daughter and I agree about being kind to your mom! I say something like "cranky today?" to mine and then usually laugh, she catches on. I see no purpose in being mean to my mom she's 85 and won't be around much longer. Hurt only lingers as long as you let it, in your mom's case she's probably doing the best she can with your dad. As far as the guilt thing, take it out of the emotional backpack and let it go. This is just a season of life! And if you dropped everyone out of your life that was cranky, you'd need to stop lookin' in the mirror on occasion, I'll wager!

And I repeat, you are a great daughter!

Maura · #15 02/07/13, 11:34 AM

Maybe you need to point blank say that your Dad is making her feel sad. Get her to open up about how sad she feels living with that man. Things aren't going to get better between them, but your mother can feel a whole lot more depressed. If she goes to a doctor about her depression, it still won't get to the root of her immediate problem, which is your Dad. Talk to her. Maybe she can learn to tell him to stuff it when he makes negative comments.

Ardie/WI · #16 02/07/13, 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ardie/WI

Chewie, just end the phone call when she starts talking like that. Say something like "Gotta get off the phone now" and hang up. Don't give her any reason because that gives her an opening for further negativity.

repeat as necessary.

I gave the advice because I think that your mother will catch on and rethink her attitude.

And, don't compare her behavior to your fathers to her. She doesn't need to be reminded of him as it might bring up memories of old hurts.

amylou62 · #17 02/07/13, 12:10 PM

My mother was toxic like your dad. Made all ours lives miserable. The day she died I felt free for the first time in my life. I know that sounds terrible but that's just the way it is. I'm now able to live my life the way my husband and I want. No guilt. No outbursts.

First time I've ever admitted that publicly.

chewie · #18 02/07/13, 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amylou62

My mother was toxic like your dad. Made all ours lives miserable. The day she died I felt free for the first time in my life. I know that sounds terrible but that's just the way it is. I'm now able to live my life the way my husband and I want. No guilt. No outbursts.

First time I've ever admitted that publicly.

I think that's good, good for you and its ok to have those feelings!

if plan A and B don't alter the conversation, I will be cutting the call short as per ardie. as for the dealing with dad, that's a whole nuther deal that I won't even attempt.

I very much appreciate what has been told me here. thank you

Common Tator · #19 02/07/13, 01:47 PM

I don't remember having you as a sister growing up, Chewie, but you are definitely describing Mom & Dad!

frogmammy · #20 02/07/13, 01:52 PM

I really think that if that is what your mother is around you father ALL day now, she doesn't realize how MUCH she's doing it. When you're flat out in the middle of something, you often don't. I think you should mention it to her...you'd mention if her slip was hanging below her dress/skirt wouldn't you?

You might mention to your mother that she might enjoy a little pocket change from a part time job, or maybe some volunteer work. You could call a friend of hers or relative and suggest they get together. I'm betting she's not enjoying life too much right now....

Mon