empty nest advice anyone??

[chewie]

my oldest is beginning to fly the coop. she still lives here technically, but gone more than not and says things about how she doesn't like our lifestyle.

now, I did the same darned thing, and realize this is just pretty normal stuff--she's not going or doing anything crazy, its all very normal and actually very tame.

and I can NOT believe I am having this empty nest issue. me??! no way! but its rough and it hurts. I miss her. I'm angry with her at not doing what she should be at home. (slacking on her chores, but not by much really) and, in my head I know that her being confident enough *to* fly is great. its suppose to be that way, but it doesn't seem to make things any easier.

I just keep falling back into thinking of all the things I didn't get to do with her, how much more I want to teach her, show her, watch her do, and I just cry. I am just not ready to let go.

I know there are mnay here who've gone thru this, more than once even. I would love to hear some words of wisdom on how to make this trasistion as smooth as possible, if that's possible! some of you have touched on it before in a past post, but I could really use a bit more if you'd indulge me please.

[TerryJ]

How old is she ? You said she doesn't like your lifestyle ?

[Yvonne's hubby]

Sounds like its time to get that new puppy!

[itsb]

ya I feel your pain,oldest maried,younger twins the girl goin to collage,the boy in airforce cant be more proud of all of them,the only way to make it easy is to see them startin there lives and bein happe with there life!what realy hurts is when they call to just talk a while and when thy say goodby and lov ya! that when it hurts BUT THATS WHEN IT FEELS REAL GOOD TO

[Ardie/WI]

Well, Chewie, I guess tat you did your job right!

You taught her to fly!!!!!!!!!!

[CaliannG]

It is time to start re-purposing your space into places to do things that you have wanted to do, but could not because it was space used by the kids.

If she is seldom home, for instance, perhaps her bedroom can be a smaller room? Or places where she had her hobbies set up can now be re-purposed for your needs.

In other words, you need to start thinking of the *fun* and *good* things you can do if you are child-free.

My Mom is my very best friend in the world...but, I needed to be on my own for 20 years to appreciate time with her. I have found that in my friends with good parental relationships, it tends to work the same way...child drifts away, spends a couple of decades living their own life and bringing up their own kids, and then drifts back and rekindles the relationship, but on an adult level.

I think kids have to go away for a while to both grow up, and because otherwise, they are always kids.

Start focusing your thoughts on things YOU want to do just for YOU. This is what I call "selfish time", where your plans and resources go to your own life and projects...and before you are spending a ton of those resources on grandchildren.

[Ozarks Tom]

I guess it's different with girls. I'm told when I left for the army, the party lasted nearly a month.

[Debbie in Wa]

A friend told me this once, that if there wasn't any problems between the two of you right now, that it would be harder to let them go if there was not.

[Travis in Louisiana]

My kids left to be in the world, more excitment. When the late 20s to early 30s come around, they come back, wanting to know how to do different things like, sew, garden, crafts, and cook. When they left, it was like a pay raise and it got kinda quite. The wife and me were like,

ITS PARTY TIME!!!!

Now, every week or weekend, at least one of the kids are around, especially the grand kids!!

[chewie]

you guys are the best. she's only 17, a senior and scared spitless of her future--she's not sure what to do/where to go, but she's certain that THIS ain't it. ya, I know, a homesteady lifestyle ain't it for a lot of ppl. but its hard to hear your kid, who you did all you could to give them this, shun it. in my head, I get it, its the heart that's suffering. and I get that this area offers her nothing really, and she doesn't like the ranching thing. which is odd, she's madly in love with a boy 3 hours from here, who'll take over his family ranch!

and yes, a new puppy will come along once the other one is gone too, as that's about the time my current mutt will be gone. geesh, too much 'gone'!! ouch! this time I got a new filly. guess this leaves lots of time to work with her. and the current mutt is getting tons of attention.

the youngest dd seems to love this lifestyle still and I think she's often gotten the short stick, guess I'll let her have the whole stick for a while, while I have her.

and yeah, knowing they want to and can leave home, to me, says I done ok. I know a woman whose son got 4.0grades, but yet only made it one semester in college and is now living at home yet, mid twenties, with his little boy chores and allowance. he simply couldn't handle being away from home. hmm, that's not good either.

I did what some are saying--when I left home I really left, not to be seen again for several years, living loose and wild. but then poof, I met hubs, we married and now I call mom nearly every day.

I will listen to you wise ones here, and spend some mroe time on my own things. I am so happy hubs and I seem to have been working things out, as having a good marriage right now is really helping. he gets what is going on and is being so very sweet.

if you have any advice on how I can also help her thru this, I'm all ears. she's scared of her future, of what to do, etc. I do not wish to hold her back, and want to help her make good choices, if she'll let me. I really messed up at her age and am really trying hard to help her not do the same. thanks so much for listening and helpful words.

[CherieOH]

Well, don't remodel their bedrooms just yet. Sometimes they come back! That's what happens when you give them roots and wings. My two left and came back several times before finally "making it on their own". We called them boomerang kids. We always told them this would forever be their home and they are always welcome in it. Yeah, you do miss them when they are gone. But the relationships don't have to end. They just morph into something else. Hopefully something better. You can help that by respecting their freedom and their choices, but also by reminding them you haven't forgotten them and still care and hope they feel the same. Give "care" packages (their favorite dessert perhaps) and invite them over for meals and/or a game night, to go shopping or on a hike together, or whatever you all might share in common. And now that you have more free time, it's good to get reacquainted with your spouse and maybe start a new hobby together, like walking, gardening, photography, golfing, or even learning to dance. Spend more time with friends. No friends? Get a job, volunteer, join a gym or church to put yourself in a position to meet people. Maybe even develop friendships with some of your favorite neighbors. It's a good time to travel too, see the USA, see the world! Too quiet at home? Turn on the radio. And since nobody's around to see, dance! It's good exercise, and exercise will help keep you from getting depressed. Yes, you are in for some changes, but those changes just might be good for all of you.

[Trixie]

Bless your heart --

I read somewhere one of the reasons children tend to shun their parents, disagree with them, etc., at this time of life is because they are working up to the separation. It makes it easier.

Our daughter always liked the animals when we had our 'farm', but she wanted the big city as well. Well, she has two daughters, now, and they grow a garden - and bought a milk cow this year.

As far as an empty nest, I don't know, it's still tough and my kids have been gone from home a while. Both are in other states, and one of them more than likely will be moving out of the country soon.

That's going to be tough -

There are stages in life - of course you are a child for a time, then if you lucky - you get to be just YOU - then you meet someone and you are on a first name basis, it gets closer and you are 'Honey and Sweetheart'. Then you become 'Mommy and Daddy' - and before you know it, you are Nanny and Grumpy or whatever. The grandkids get grown, move away and it's just you again.

I tell my husband we have to figure out who we are at this stage of life -

[chewie]

ha, and you want to hear some irony? her best friend stays here often as a safe place FROM her terrible home life!!

[Ann-NWIowa]

One thing about life is that it is constantly changing. Single, married, babies, pre-school, grade school, high school and then hopefully our babies moving on to their turn at single life as an adult. My youngest dd moved out at 17 in a snit over rules as did a foster dd at 18. Both have since praised us for our parenting of them and our rules. They now have teenagers and I about die laughing when I hear them telling their kids the same stuff we told them.

[itsb]

chewie dont worrie,you done welnof,your no differnt than rest of us,wez all went out to the big world an had som fun and som bad times,but as ied be willin to bet in a few years as we all did she will return to this lifestyle,she just wants her wings

[dkhern]

if she doesnt like your lifestyle encourge her to gain her own experiences let her know she can come back. lots of attitudes change w/real world experiences and adult responsibilities.

[fellini123]

Originally Posted by Trixie

Bless your heart --


There are stages in life - of course you are a child for a time, then if you lucky - you get to be just YOU - then you meet someone and you are on a first name basis, it gets closer and you are 'Honey and Sweetheart'. Then you become 'Mommy and Daddy' - and before you know it, you are Nanny and Grumpy or whatever. The grandkids get grown, move away and it's just you again.

-

Well my Dh is sitting in his easy chair watching the SB eating spaggetti and he spit it all over himself when I read him that one!!!!! I think I will just call him Grumpy from now on!!!! LOL

Alice in Virginia

[Trixie]

Originally Posted by fellini123

Well my Dh is sitting in his easy chair watching the SB eating spaggetti and he spit it all over himself when I read him that one!!!!! I think I will just call him Grumpy from now on!!!! LOL

Alice in Virginia

That's really what they call him, not because he is. The oldest granddaughter just couldn't quite get out grandpa and between her and her mother, it ended up being Grumpy.

You know what hat he gets when anyone goes to Disney World.

[Marilyn]

If she's nervous about her own future, maybe she needs a little more preparation. 17 might be a bit young to be completely responsible for oneself while still trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up

Could you take her out for nice non-judgemental, non-argumentative lunch or something. Let her know that she is nearing the point of being completely on her own, so you would like to help her prepare for that.

Go to a job fair (or psychologist) to take an aptitude test. See how she feels about doing what the test thinks she would be good at.
Once she establishes a goal, help her get the training or education that she will need to succeed.

We're moms. If we're good at what we do, we manage to give our children wings as well as roots.

[Txsteader]

Originally Posted by chewie

you guys are the best. she's only 17, a senior and scared spitless of her future--she's not sure what to do/where to go, but she's certain that THIS ain't it. ya, I know, a homesteady lifestyle ain't it for a lot of ppl. but its hard to hear your kid, who you did all you could to give them this, shun it. in my head, I get it, its the heart that's suffering. and I get that this area offers her nothing really, and she doesn't like the ranching thing. which is odd, she's madly in love with a boy 3 hours from here, who'll take over his family ranch!

Just because she rejects the lifestyle doesn't mean she's rejecting you. She's simply being an individual, with her own dreams and goals.

I went through the same thing with my DD (my only child). Yes, the 'rejection' hurts but it's also an indication that she's learning to be her own person......and that's a good thing. So, let her try her wings, mama. Let her begin to make her own way in the world. Ya never know......she may decide she loves the homestead more than she realized.

ETA: this is a good example of how important it is to cherish the time we have w/ our children. It's never long enough and it goes by too quickly.