Childrens emails and facebook

grandma12703 · #1 01/29/13, 08:04 AM

Recently while having an argument with my DD she made some very harsh statements about me nosing into her emails and facebook page when she was in high school. Yes, periodically I got on her social sites and just looked through them. I never spoke on them and usually didn't find anything too bad, however there were times I would speak up and ask her about certain items.

She is now 26 years old and still doesn't understand why I checked on her this way.

How do you all feel about this?

tkrabec · #2 01/29/13, 08:08 AM

If she was under 18, it was your responsibility to keep her safe, as well as your liability for her doing bad stuff ( in some cases).
I fully agree.

therunbunch · #3 01/29/13, 08:10 AM

My "children" aren't allowed to have email/facebook accounts. When they are 18 they are considered adults and it's really not your place to go through their things at that age unless there are factors where you are a guardian or something like that.

If parents let their kids have accounts like these, they absolutely SHOULD be monitoring them. Too many predators out there and kids just don't always "get" the dangers.

I wouldn't worry too much about what your daughter thinks. You are her parent and you will do what you feel is right. If she thinks that's bad parenting then she reserves every right not to do the same to her own kids someday.

BarbadosSheep · #4 01/29/13, 08:14 AM

when your daughter has kids of her own that are on facebook, she will look back at your actions and realize exactly why you did it. Don't stress about it.....you did the right thing. There are a lot of dangerous people in the world who prey upon our children.

Ardie/WI · #5 01/29/13, 08:25 AM

Oh good Lord, of course I would check emails and Facebook if I had a teenager in the house.

When my DD was one, I regularly checked her room and books etc. for anything and everything. I knew where she hid all those notes from her BFs.

Teenagers don't have the concept of common sense and it is up to parents to keep and eye on them.

To the OP, I think that your 26-year-old has some unresolved issues if she can't understand your actions waaaay back then.

**Kris in MI** · #6 01/29/13, 08:30 AM

My teens are why I joined Facebook in the first place. My eldest son came home on leave when my eldest daughter was a freshman in high school. While he was home he said "Mom, did you know. . ." and showed me what Facebook was and that his sister had an account (as did he.) He then proceeded to help me set up an account and 'friend' them both. Over time several of their close friends also friended me. I think it's a good way to keep tabs on what sorts of things they are doing, and it is a nice way, after they've grown and moved away, to keep in touch. In fact, one of eldest son's first girlfriends looked me up and friended me a few years ago; she had remembered that I did alot of gardening and canning and that was something she had gotten interested in doing.

grandma12703 · #7 01/29/13, 08:33 AM

I am not apologizing at all. I just wanted some feedback. The things that you all have said are exactly what I told her. She has three daughters now 1-3-5 years old and I am sure it won't be much longer before a lot of things make sense to her. She is a great mom to the babies and I am sure as they grow up she will figure out why her parents did some of the things they did. We had good kids and sometimes I wonder why God was so good to us. Sometimes I think they just think we didn't trust them and that was not true. Like many of you have said.....there are a lot of Bad people out there. I never wanted to be a parent who said...I wish I would have.

Ardie/WI · #8 01/29/13, 08:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kris in MI

My teens are why I joined Facebook in the first place. My eldest son came home on leave when my eldest daughter was a freshman in high school. While he was home he said "Mom, did you know. . ." and showed me what Facebook was and that his sister had an account (as did he.) He then proceeded to help me set up an account and 'friend' them both. Over time several of their close friends also friended me. I think it's a good way to keep tabs on what sorts of things they are doing, and it is a nice way, after they've grown and moved away, to keep in touch. In fact, one of eldest son's first girlfriends looked me up and friended me a few years ago; she had remembered that I did alot of gardening and canning and that was something she had gotten interested in doing.

When my DD was a teenager, CB radios were very popular in the city where we lived. We had one as my DD and her friends did too. I listened regularly and also got to know her friends. Now, years later, they friend me on FB and we keep in touch.

mamita · #9 01/29/13, 08:37 AM

if that is her biggest gripe, I'd say she had a nice mom.

bluemoonluck · #10 01/29/13, 10:08 AM

My girls both have email accounts, and I check them regularly....and they are aware of this.

They are not old enough for FB accounts.... IIRC the FB terms state you have to be 13 to have an account, and they aren't that old yet. When they are? You bet your bippy I'll have their passwords and I'll watch their FB accounts like a hawk.

As long as they are under 18 and/or live in my household, I will look at their emails and FB pages. It's not negotiable

Callieslamb · #11 01/29/13, 12:03 PM

I let my kids have their privacy until I feel I need to step in. Right now, we have the ability to check DS's computer. He doesn't have an email or FB account. He's not supposed to go surfing the internet. If he wants to look for a specific thing, he's welcome with permission. I have to put in the password for his computer or tablet to connect. He knows that we can check when and if we want. He knows it's as much for his safety as for anything else. Hopefully, we will keep this kind of relationship, but as he ages, there are sure to be difficulties arrising.

Steve in PA · #12 01/29/13, 12:13 PM

She'll understand when she has kids. It was a condition of my son having internet access that I get the user name/pwd to all of his accounts.

We also use opendns as a free filter to keep most of the stuff he shouldn't be accessing off his computer.

jkhs · #13 01/29/13, 01:35 PM

She'll change her mind once her kids are old enough. Your actions are just plain good parenting. The agreement that I made with my DD when DH & I allowed her to have a phone, e-mail account and be on facebook was that I was always to know her password and could go through it at anytime. If at anytime I see something inappropriate OR she changes the passwords so I can't get on, she will lose her privilege of being able to use the phone or computer that I pay for. So far the only incident that I've had was when a friend of hers sent an inappropriate e-mail and she actually told me about it as soon as she got it because she knew it wasn't good.

Annsni · #14 01/29/13, 02:19 PM

Unfortunately, when something happens to our kids, our first thought is "I had no idea!"

I check their e-mails and Facebook (when they are old enough to have one.). Our son is 12. He has an e-mail address. It goes to both my husband and my son. My husband is not only a pastor but a computer engineer (from his former life) and he does all of our web hosting - and e-mails - so he can set that up. When he is older and has shown to be responsible with it, we will stop getting the e-mails ourselves and just watch sonny boy.

Facebook is a public thing for all of us. None of us in the family have anything private on Facebook and if we did, I'd worry. I have access to my 20 and 22 year old daughter's accounts as well but I fully trust them so never check up on them (although we ARE friends so I see most of what they post).

As a parent today, unfortunately, we need to compromise our children's "privacy" for safety.

bluemoonluck · #15 01/29/13, 02:41 PM

BTA that I have several friends who have installed keyloggers on the computers that they allow their children to use. So everything that the child types is forwarded to the parents. This is especially helpful for kids who are computer savvy enough to try to skirt the system.

There is also a program that you can install on your kids' smartphones that forwards EVERY text either sent or received to you. That way the child cannot selectively delete messages, or hide the fact that they're up texting long after they were supposed to be in bed.

Joshie · #16 01/29/13, 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by grandma12703

She is now 26 years old and still doesn't understand why I checked on her this way.

How do you all feel about this?

She's still young enough to know everything. Does she have children? Personally, I wouldn't care if she liked it or not even ten years down the road. You are the parent and, as a parent, you were responsible for keeping your daughter safe. Tough toenails to her!

Her story is going to change when she has adolescent children.

Awnry Abe · #17 01/29/13, 08:51 PM

Yep. In my opinion, my kids' digital use is a privilege, not a right. They understand not only that we will snoop, but why we do it. DS 16 is really pushing the tech envelope, which just makes me dig harder...(...2...more...years...can't....keep...up ....gasp..)

Oat Bucket Farm · #18 01/29/13, 09:37 PM

My two older boys have them. They use the computer in the living room and all internet activity is closely monitored. Maybe I'm mean and evil, that's okay I can handle being mean and evil.

JawjaBoy · #19 01/30/13, 07:02 AM

I have no kids right now, but when/if I do, I promise I WILL know what they are doing. I was raised by my aunt and uncle, both of whom were born in the late 20's so I got an "old fashioned" upbringing. My stance will be the same as my uncle's was: "As long as you live under my roof and put your feet under my table, you will follow my rules." I work in a prison and everyday I see firsthand the results of parents not looking after their kids.

ItchingDuck · #20 01/30/13, 07:24 AM

My teens have regular phones- not smart phones. I take these away frequesntly when their behavior is atrocious. A phone is a priveledge, not a right. My daughters have facebooks and I have access to all of it. My one daughter is very responsible. The other-not so much. I will invade their privacy to make sure they are acting approriately. My daughter tells me all the time her friends cuss and hit their parents and never get grounded or their stuff taken away. I tell her to try it with me and see what happens.

Life is very different now for a 15 yr old than it was 20 yrs ago when I was 15. So much more they can get into.