Coping Alone

oregon woodsmok · #1 11/30/12, 01:03 PM

I've got a little inexpensive rental house and the tenant there can't even tie her shoes without checking first with her husband. She'd drive me nuts in short order, but I figured the husband must like it that way because he married her.

Well, apparently, he didn't like it all that much because he took his things and moved out, without any warning. He had utilities taken out of his name and off he went. I just talked to her and she has been sitting there without water for 2 days because she didn't know she could call the water company and have the water turned back on in her own name.

She has no job and no knowledge about how to take care of herself. I am probably going to evict her, and she will end up sitting on the curb with her things because she won't be able to figure out how to move.

About all I can think is for Pete's sake, if you have daughters, make them learn how to operate the utilities, work a circuit breaker, balance their checkbook, and get the training to qualify for a job, even if they don't go to work.

The same goes for you husbands with dependent wives. Make them learn how the finances work, how to work the basics around the house, and maybe how to work a gas pump.

Some men walk out of marriages, and even if they don't leave, occasionally a husband will die in a traffic accident. There is simply no excuse for a woman to not know what has to be done to take care of herself if she finds herself alone.

Raeven · #2 11/30/12, 01:25 PM

Well said, OW. To your list I would add:

How to prime a well pump, how to use a battery charger, how to change a tire, how to do minor home repairs (but stay out of the electrical box unless you've taken a class or two), how to turn off the water/gas supply at the source, how to use a grease gun (including how to load it), how to wrench on a mechanical engine for minor repairs and/or maintenance tasks, how to build a roaring fire and how to operate basic machinery such as a lawn mower, pressure washer, rototiller, etc. Learn about tools and how to use them.

Nothing makes me cringe more than a woman or a man who stays helpless!

badlander · #3 11/30/12, 01:35 PM

Very sad. I had a neighbor once who's husband passed away. He had taken care of the outside of the house exclusively, she the inside. One day I saw her out back wandering around the yard with a bunch of small downed tree limbs in her hands after a storm looking confused and I asked her if she was okay. She looked down at the sticks she was carrying and tearfully said. "I don't know how to do this." She was an older woman and being honest. She didn't. It broke my heart.

I was raised learning how to use a hammer and power tools. I helped my parents build additions to their houses, took care of my own horses and chickens as well as learned how to cook and keep house. My parents never wanted me to be 'helpless'. Now, I still work side by side with my husband on our homestead. Not much that I won't tackle. I wouldn't have it any other way and I don't think he would either.

beaglebiz · #4 11/30/12, 01:45 PM

this thread ties in nicely with Laura's advice thread. Raising helpless adults is a shame
Seeking advice from older ladies!!

mamita · #5 11/30/12, 02:00 PM

one thing I made sure was that my daughter had a college education in a field she could always (well as much as anything these days) rely on. that meant she was able to work for a great wage, so IF she did need help, sorry if it makes some angry, she could afford to pay for it. beyond that, we've taught her the basics anyway. no woman ever need a man to live. you live with a well, you know how it works. you live rural, you know how to live alone. city? you make darn sure you can afford help if you need it. go ahead and bash me.........make the big bucks, and only IF the world is ending......you're covered. your man leaves..........you don't and never did need him.

where I want to · #6 11/30/12, 02:40 PM

It's true that some women remain in ignorance and let their husbands dictate every decision.
But I can tell you it works the other way around too. The neediest people I have ever met have been older widower's who don't know how to do laundry or boil water. Fortunately for them there is an ample supply of widows eager to do for them.

Even in a balanced marriage there's a tendency for one partner to take care of the finances and the other to be willing to let them. Then if something happens, the remaining spouse may have no clue about even the location of the will or money or the combonation of the safe.

Dusky Beauty · #7 11/30/12, 02:47 PM

I have a man who isn't planning to go anywhere, and I still need to know how to do this stuff! His work schedule has been nuts at times.... what would I do if I didn't know how things worked at even a basic level? sit in the dark for 12 hours till he comes home? Let the busted pipe flood the house? let the animals run loose because the fence was down??

hippygirl · #8 11/30/12, 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by where I want to

It's true that some women remain in ignorance and let their husbands dictate every decision.
But I can tell you it works the other way around too. The neediest people I have ever met have been older widower's who don't know how to do laundry or boil water.

I was about to say the same thing...the same is true for a man.

In our home, I've always handled the bills, but I make sure he has all info he needs if, suddenly, he has to do it. He can also clean, do laundry, and cook (I joke a lot about not letting him into my kitchen after The Great Cheeseburger Incident back in '78, but he "can" cook well enough to make do if needed...even cheeseburgers

).

On the flip side, I can do a tune up, a brake job, change the tires, and handle/use any tool, power or otherwise, that we own (but I "am" a bit skittish of a bandsaw, though).

You gotta do what needs to be done!

newfieannie · #9 11/30/12, 03:51 PM

yes, that's all well and good. most of us here are strong women and are well able to take care of ourselves and our land and families but the thing going through my mind is that poor woman being evicted and sittin on the curb with all of her stuff around her. there must be someone she knows who can be called before that happens. ~Georgia.

sss3 · #10 11/30/12, 05:50 PM

There is enormous satisfaction in knowing you can take care of yourself.

Haven · #11 11/30/12, 05:56 PM

One of my clients at work had a wife that left him 2 years ago. He came in and in his mid 60's had no idea how to fill out a check to pay me. I stood there and watched as he figured it out while telling me his wife always paid the bills and wrote checks.

Now his daughter comes in for him and fills out the checks. He could of learned if she didn't step in pick up where her mother left off...It takes 2 people to create a situation like this.

luvrulz · #12 11/30/12, 05:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by oregon woodsmok

I've got a little inexpensive rental house and the tenant there can't even tie her shoes without checking first with her husband. She'd drive me nuts in short order, but I figured the husband must like it that way because he married her.

Well, apparently, he didn't like it all that much because he took his things and moved out, without any warning. He had utilities taken out of his name and off he went. I just talked to her and she has been sitting there without water for 2 days because she didn't know she could call the water company and have the water turned back on in her own name.

She has no job and no knowledge about how to take care of herself. I am probably going to evict her, and she will end up sitting on the curb with her things because she won't be able to figure out how to move.

About all I can think is for Pete's sake, if you have daughters, make them learn how to operate the utilities, work a circuit breaker, balance their checkbook, and get the training to qualify for a job, even if they don't go to work.

The same goes for you husbands with dependent wives. Make them learn how the finances work, how to work the basics around the house, and maybe how to work a gas pump.

Some men walk out of marriages, and even if they don't leave, occasionally a husband will die in a traffic accident. There is simply no excuse for a woman to not know what has to be done to take care of herself if she finds herself alone.

Why don't you help her to learn these things? She obviously was put in your path for a reason... Just saying, might be the Christian thing to do. My 2 cents.

Grandmotherbear · #13 11/30/12, 06:06 PM

I have a different take on this. Passivity is powerful. GFB was passive agressive after we married but his mother was the queen of passive power. It could be that she (the tenant) controlled her husband by her passivity and he finally realize he needed to make tracks before the psychic vampire totally leached his soul away.

Jokarva · #14 11/30/12, 06:29 PM

These could have been our last tenants here in NC. She sat home and did nothing but cook and order stuff online, he was retired military and worked full time (in his early 70s) to pay the bills, and also handled everything around the house. She was quite the Southern belle and seemed to take some perverse pleasure in being helpless.

We gave them notice last year, but they stayed in the area and I heard that he passed away suddenly this summer......I wonder at times how she's coping. Not too well I'd bet.

Big Dave · #15 11/30/12, 08:05 PM

How old is this woman? Call human services and let them evaluate her. Maybe they can help.

Mooselover · #16 11/30/12, 09:08 PM

big dave has an excellent point. my first thought was that she could be DD or have mental health issues (under or over medicated) and not have knowledge of resources available. if either apply and she's high-functioning/ boardline, she will not recognize that she needs assistance. i wish you luck and i send her many prayers that she gets (and accepts) assistance.

Ann-NWIowa · #17 11/30/12, 09:09 PM

Even if the lady is capable of learning eventually, right now she's probably in shock and grieving. I've seen a lot of strong women flattened by their spouse walking out on them. In a lot of ways its worse than a spouse dying. I also agree with Grandmotherbear that passive can be a controlling behavior. Anyway you look at it its a sad situation.

I was taught to do everything by my parents, but age and arthritis has caught up with me so there are many physical jobs I cannot do. I cannot start the lawn mower. I struggle to manage pumping gas. Heck I struggle to do my inside jobs. When your thumbs don't work there's a lot you cannot do. I know how to shut off the gas but my hands aren't strong enough. Still I'm better off than dh because he doesn't know how to cook AT ALL unless you count TV dinners in the microwave. I guess he wouldn't starve as long as he remembered to buy TV dinners.

Just because you know how to do something doesn't mean much if you aren't physically able to do it.

SageLady · #18 11/30/12, 09:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ann-NWIowa

I was taught to do everything by my parents, but age and arthritis has caught up with me so there are many physical jobs I cannot do. I cannot start the lawn mower. I struggle to manage pumping gas. Heck I struggle to do my inside jobs. When your thumbs don't work there's a lot you cannot do. I know how to shut off the gas but my hands aren't strong enough. Still I'm better off than dh because he doesn't know how to cook AT ALL unless you count TV dinners in the microwave. I guess he wouldn't starve as long as he remembered to buy TV dinners.

Just because you know how to do something doesn't mean much if you aren't physically able to do it.

Same problem here. I know how to do things, I just physically can't do them anymore. It makes me both really mad and sad somedays....
I have severe spinal problems that have put me in a wheelchair, along with RA, Fibro, and Lupus. I worry my DH does too much for me these days, and don't know how I would manage without him, but I guess I would figure something out...or hire someone if I could afford it. I know my adult kids would help me out, but wouldn't want to burden them....

hippygirl · #19 11/30/12, 11:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jokarva

These could have been our last tenants here in NC. She sat home and did nothing but cook and order stuff online, he was retired military and worked full time (in his early 70s) to pay the bills, and also handled everything around the house. She was quite the Southern belle and seemed to take some perverse pleasure in being helpless.

Gah! That perfectly describes my two oldest brother's wives...ESPECIALLY the younger one (she's such a delicate, precious little flower, you know).

CaliannG · #20 12/01/12, 12:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grandmotherbear

I have a different take on this. Passivity is powerful. GFB was passive agressive after we married but his mother was the queen of passive power. It could be that she (the tenant) controlled her husband by her passivity and he finally realize he needed to make tracks before the psychic vampire totally leached his soul away.

Funny, I have been thinking the opposite on this.

I've worked with a lot of women who had mentally and emotionally abusive spouses that *made them* helpless through years of slow, steady, incremental psychological pressure. Oddly enough, these kinds of men *tend* to leave the woman after they have gotten her to the stage of complete dependence. It is not having a completely dependent, submissive woman that "does it" for them; it is taking an independent and strong woman and slowly breaking her down until she is completely dependent and submissive that interests and excites them.

O.W., if she has stated to you on more than one occasion, "[My husband] would want to know about this first." or "[My husband] would want to decide this.", please call the folks that deal with victims of abuse to have her evaluated. There are other small, but telling, signs that show the difference between a naturally or purposefully helpless person, and one that has been made that way.