Need help processing thoughts before big decision

[hintonlady]

I am generally indecisive and am faced with what feels like a major life crossroad. I have been thinking too much and am too emotionally close to the situation to be objective. I want people to share their opinions to help me finish sorting my thoughts out, to maybe see it from another point of view.

Brief history of situation:

I have been blessed to be able to be a stay at home Mom. Occasionally family may baby-sit but my dd’s ages almost 2 and 3 ½ have never been under anyone else’s care outside of family. My deepest wish is to focus on my girls and either home school them or send them to parochial. For us, public school isn’t an option though I am not against public schools.

I am grateful that dh has a stable job with comfortable income. I just finished nurses aide training. I also just got a part time job doing something I will enjoy. I will be making $10 and hour, decent in my area. I had hoped to use the money to help pay down debts so dh can move forward with his business idea. Then I will be able to work full time in a pinch if he has a dry spell as the business starts up.

During my 9 week training I missed my family and have felt sort of drained and not at my best with them. I feel as if they have been neglected due to my schedule. I noticed that my youngest has been sort of indifferent of me and that our relationship has shifted some. Maybe it’s her age but the timing makes me wonder.


My pressing decision:

I have the opportunity to enter LPN training next summer and I can likely get it covered by some local scholarships. There is a need for LPN’s in our area. It is an 11 month program after which my salary will go up $5 and hour, from $10 to $15. With an LPN I can get easier access to a very competitive nursing program. I would bridge over and finish with 10 months rather than the standard 2 year. Basically faster to do LPN then RN than to do straight RN. (???) At that point my pay would go up another $10 and hour for a total of $25 an hour which would be fine by me.


Here is where I get lost:

Pros:
*Nice salary would certainly help transition dh from his less than ideal job into his business, although we can possibly squeak by without it.
*Having a trade/career, ‘nuff said.
*Hurry up and finish school sooner than later and be done to homeschool by the time the girls are in the early grades.
*Financial stability even if dh isn’t working. (he is a skilled technical worker who has no trouble getting work, if that matters, he is almost recession proof)
*Dh’s employer is a piece of work. If he gets wind of his business plans he may get immediately canned, without real justified cause. This could happen tomorrow, next year or never. Hard to say… If I am more employable it would sustain us.
*Never finished my schooling while with the ex, here is my chance.

Cons:
*I hate to compromise on my values of being a stay at home Mom and home educator. I will be missing, at a minimum, pre-school and kindergarten learning. To me this is a great loss.
*I am afraid to lose some of the closeness I have with my daughters. I fear this will change things for us as a unit. This idea is horrifying to me.
*I have some issues with depression and anxiety. It is all under control but if I was feeling pressure from a 9 week program a year program will take some getting used to.
*May or may not have time to complete one or both nurse programs depending on timing of dh’s business. Likewise, if dh’s boss acts like a meanie I may have to work full time and drop out of school (something that we have no way to predict)


So, there you have it. I am a mess. Please give me your thoughts.

Thanks

[stef]

Originally Posted by hintonlady

I am generally indecisive and am faced with what feels like a major life crossroad. I have been thinking too much and am too emotionally close to the situation to be objective. I want people to share their opinions to help me finish sorting my thoughts out, to maybe see it from another point of view.

Brief history of situation:

I have been blessed to be able to be a stay at home Mom. Occasionally family may baby-sit but my dd’s ages almost 2 and 3 ½ have never been under anyone else’s care outside of family. My deepest wish is to focus on my girls and either home school them or send them to parochial. For us, public school isn’t an option though I am not against public schools.

I am grateful that dh has a stable job with comfortable income. I just finished nurses aide training. I also just got a part time job doing something I will enjoy. I will be making $10 and hour, decent in my area. I had hoped to use the money to help pay down debts so dh can move forward with his business idea. Then I will be able to work full time in a pinch if he has a dry spell as the business starts up.

During my 9 week training I missed my family and have felt sort of drained and not at my best with them. I feel as if they have been neglected due to my schedule. I noticed that my youngest has been sort of indifferent of me and that our relationship has shifted some. Maybe it’s her age but the timing makes me wonder.


My pressing decision:

I have the opportunity to enter LPN training next summer and I can likely get it covered by some local scholarships. There is a need for LPN’s in our area. It is an 11 month program after which my salary will go up $5 and hour, from $10 to $15. With an LPN I can get easier access to a very competitive nursing program. I would bridge over and finish with 10 months rather than the standard 2 year. Basically faster to do LPN then RN than to do straight RN. (???) At that point my pay would go up another $10 and hour for a total of $25 an hour which would be fine by me.


Here is where I get lost:

Pros:
*Nice salary would certainly help transition dh from his less than ideal job into his business, although we can possibly squeak by without it.
*Having a trade/career, ‘nuff said.
*Hurry up and finish school sooner than later and be done to homeschool by the time the girls are in the early grades.
*Financial stability even if dh isn’t working. (he is a skilled technical worker who has no trouble getting work, if that matters, he is almost recession proof)
*Dh’s employer is a piece of work. If he gets wind of his business plans he may get immediately canned, without real justified cause. This could happen tomorrow, next year or never. Hard to say… If I am more employable it would sustain us.
*Never finished my schooling while with the ex, here is my chance.

Cons:
*I hate to compromise on my values of being a stay at home Mom and home educator. I will be missing, at a minimum, pre-school and kindergarten learning. To me this is a great loss.
*I am afraid to lose some of the closeness I have with my daughters. I fear this will change things for us as a unit. This idea is horrifying to me.
*I have some issues with depression and anxiety. It is all under control but if I was feeling pressure from a 9 week program a year program will take some getting used to.
*May or may not have time to complete one or both nurse programs depending on timing of dh’s business. Likewise, if dh’s boss acts like a meanie I may have to work full time and drop out of school (something that we have no way to predict)


So, there you have it. I am a mess. Please give me your thoughts.

Thanks

You already know in your heart what you really want to do. If money was not a factor in this equation I don't think you would think twice. And no amount of money can ever give you back your time with your children. There will always be a need for caregivers, now or ten years from now. But your children are only with you for such a brief period of time. Unless your family will go hungry or losing the roof over your head without your salary your children need you more than anyone. You'll never look back and say, "Oh if I'd only earned more money!" But you might say, "Oh, if I'd only had that time with my children."

There's no more important job on the face of this earth than being a parent. No one else can love and teach your children the way a true, loving parent can. ( I know there are situations where children end up with grandparents of other caregivers due to circumstances...but that's not the case here.)

Okay...I'm done. LOL

[Jennifer L.]

I'm hearing a lot of "me, me, me" in your Cons. So you don't want to leave them. How is leaving the house for 8 hours a day going to hurt your kids? What about soldiers who deploy for months at a time? Why not consider that when your kids are older they are going to realize what you accomplished for the good of your family to keep them safe, sheltered and fed? They will be proud of what you did.

[SFM in KY]

I really do think you need to figure out some 'alone' time and really decide for yourself what you think is best to do. I don't think anyone can come up with any more 'pros and cons' that you haven't already considered and only you know what you, personally, consider the most important.

I can tell you this, no matter what decision you make, you will end up 10 or 20 years from now looking back and thinking "Maybe I should have done *this* instead of *that* then" ... regardless of what your decision is. But from someone who has made some decisions that turned out to be good and some that turned out to be not so good ... you can only make the best decision now with the information you have to base that decision on.

As they say, hindsight is always 20/20 ... but all you can do is make the decision that you think is the best with what you know and feel about it now. And that is something that only you can decide because what is right for you may be totally wrong for someone else.

[Callieslamb]

I have had your choice to make several times in the last 20 years. Each time I chose my family. I have never regretted it. I can think of no field of work where I could have learned as much, given as much or gotten as much back. I'm also a full proponent of being educated for education's sake. I hope to get back to school (again) in the next few years. It's been our philosophy to leave one of us out of the stressful working world so they can be a soothing influence for the family. I also like being home at the crossroads for them. Along with that paycheck, a job also includes stress from bosses and co-workers. No thanks.

[frogmammy]

If you get the training, NO ONE can take that away from you. Your husband may have a recession proof job, but what about if he gets injured and no longer able to work?

Staying home and teaching the kids is nice. BUT, having to work two jobs to provide what they need is NOT nice! As much as you may not wish to believe it, they CAN do well when you're not right beside them, and in fact, often NEED that time to "be themselves".

The trick to working/learning and not "taking time from the kids" is to RELIGIOUSLY set aside time for them, and them alone! No doing dishes during "kid time", no mopping a floor or buying groceries. And have a REGULAR kid time, never put it off.

Mon

I would stay at home with your girl's if you can financially afford it...

[hintonlady]

Originally Posted by Stef

You already know in your heart what you really want to do. If money was not a factor in this equation I don't think you would think twice. And no amount of money can ever give you back your time with your children. There will always be a need for caregivers, now or ten years from now. But your children are only with you for such a brief period of time. Unless your family will go hungry or losing the roof over your head without your salary your children need you more than anyone. You'll never look back and say, "Oh if I'd only earned more money!" But you might say, "Oh, if I'd only had that time with my children."

There's no more important job on the face of this earth than being a parent. No one else can love and teach your children the way a true, loving parent can. ( I know there are situations where children end up with grandparents of other caregivers due to circumstances...but that's not the case here.)

Okay...I'm done. LOL

What you said does resound the most with my heart.

Originally Posted by Jennifer L.

How is leaving the house for 8 hours a day going to hurt your kids? What about soldiers who deploy for months at a time? Why not consider that when your kids are older they are going to realize what you accomplished for the good of your family to keep them safe, sheltered and fed?

I think it's safe to assume we have different value systems. Leaving the house for 8 hours a day would not hurt the children if I subscribed to a modern, western child rearing ideology. Suffice it to say that I’m more of a papoose on the back, archaic villager working next to kids in the field type. Our individual ideas of *harm* are polar opposites.

As for military, as long as we have a volunteer army they CHOOSE to enlist so they CHOOSE to be away from their children. The situation is tragic, I agree but that isn’t germane to the topic. What other people do with their lives has little to do with my particular situation.

My family is fed sheltered and safe. That isn't even a consideration at this point. My dh's business is a WANT not a NEED, our lives will be comfortable regardless. He is a highly trained professional in a couple symbiotic fields in a very underserved market with skyrocketing demand. His income will survive any fallout outside of complete collapse. Ultimately, my future training is about helping dh reach a dream, not about survival. So, it's really a choice between my dh's dream or my dd's upbringing.

Originally Posted by SFM in KY

I can tell you this, no matter what decision you make, you will end up 10 or 20 years from now looking back and thinking "Maybe I should have done *this* instead of *that* then" ... regardless of what your decision is. But from someone who has made some decisions that turned out to be good and some that turned out to be not so good ... you can only make the best decision now with the information you have to base that decision on.

As they say, hindsight is always 20/20 ... but all you can do is make the decision that you think is the best with what you know and feel about it now. And that is something that only you can decide because what is right for you may be totally wrong for someone else.

GREAT words of wisdom, I really need to meditate on this for awhile.

Originally Posted by Callieslamb

I have had your choice to make several times in the last 20 years. Each time I chose my family. I have never regretted it. I can think of no field of work where I could have learned as much, given as much or gotten as much back. I'm also a full proponent of being educated for education's sake. I hope to get back to school (again) in the next few years. It's been our philosophy to leave one of us out of the stressful working world so they can be a soothing influence for the family. I also like being home at the crossroads for them. Along with that paycheck, a job also includes stress from bosses and co-workers. No thanks.

Nice to get some feedback from someone who is/has been in the same boat.

Originally Posted by frogmammy

If you get the training, NO ONE can take that away from you. Your husband may have a recession proof job, but what about if he gets injured and no longer able to work?

Staying home and teaching the kids is nice. BUT, having to work two jobs to provide what they need is NOT nice! As much as you may not wish to believe it, they CAN do well when you're not right beside them, and in fact, often NEED that time to "be themselves".

The trick to working/learning and not "taking time from the kids" is to RELIGIOUSLY set aside time for them, and them alone! No doing dishes during "kid time", no mopping a floor or buying groceries. And have a REGULAR kid time, never put it off.

Mon

Good points. I like the idea of special time with the girls. If I do move forward that little nugget would help sustain us. You are right about potential disability. No one ever thinks it's going to happen to them, right? You can never be prepared enough for that...

[treasureacres]

Your income could come in real handy when your husband decides to start his business. The first few years of any new business can cause a lot of problems on your finances if it is the only source of income. Another thing is, heaven forbid, what if something happened to your husband or he suddenly wasn't in the picture? I believe all women need to be prepared for this. This sounds like a great opportunity to help your family, especially in these uncertain times. Your kids will be fine.

[halfpint]

Would the LPN training be 40 hours per week? My DIL is enrolled in school full time and has her schedule set up so that she is in classes Tuesdays and Thursdays, and then every other Saturday. We keep my grandson on Tuesdays, and my DIL's sisters keep him on Thursdays, and my son is home on Saturdays. So if you can work something like this out, you wouldn't be away from your children every day but you can still get your degree.

My other DIL has just earned her RN, although they currently have no children. She hopes that once she has children she can either work on day a week, or one weekend a month or something else on those lines. I have a good friend that home educates and works at the hospital one weekend a month - so I know opportunities like that are available.
Dawn

[siletz]

If you have the ability and the desire to stay at home with your kids, why not? As my kids are now in high school and college, I realize what a brief span of our life it is when our kids are home. Being able to be at home and school them gives you so many opportunities to invest in their life and who they become. That's an investment you will never regret.

[Stiffchick]

Hi, I just wanted to say I cannot imagine being in this prediciment. I dont have any children, so im not sure my opinion will hold much weight, but here goes.

I think the love and care you are providing now and what you will be able to do if you do go back to school is already alot more than other children get. I think when your children get a little older, they will realize this and not hold going to school against you. Who will be watching them while you are in school? maybe they will relish that time with a special person? (grandparent, aunt? )

I just cant help but think of something my dad told me, I dont know how you feel about this; your husband is your husband for the rest of your life. Support eachother and always put your marriage and eachother first. You will raise your children to leave, and all you will have left is your husband. In my thoughts, I would do what is best for my husband, then the children. But, like I said, I dont have kids.

I know you already said you have different views of the definition of "harming your girls" but in the grand scheme of things, you are not thinking of doing something that alot of parents dont already do (and some with out the support of a loving spouse). you said it would not be permenant.

Support your spouse the best you can (dont make your self sick with anxiety). Kids are resilliant.

Wouldnt you rather take the time and finish school now before your daughters are at the age where they are too old for a sitter, and you have to leave them home alone for extended periods of time as teenagers? lol, I know what I would have done if my mom wasnt around when I got home from school.

Good luck whatever you decide

[Cheri in NY]

You will never, ever regret the time spent being home with your babies!! Homeschooling is the best choice for them, even at this young age. There are homeschool co-ops and playgroups in most areas for you to get involved in. God has given these children to you, not to anyone else to raise. They need you now, fulltime. If there is a way for you to work a local, parttime job for short shifts when your husband tends to the girls, some families do that. But only if you both agree it would be necessary for the added income. Just my opinion...may God bless whatever decision you make.

[starlady]

Is there a way to split the difference? Attend night classes, go part-time and take longer to get your certification, etc?

I definitely read in your post a desire to stay home and bond further with your daughters, but you could also think about the example you could set for them by continuing your education - my mom went back to school for her MA when my sister and I were young (kindergarten/elementary school) and we have both now completed our own graduate education. Not that that wouldn't necessarily have happened without my mom's example, but it definitely didn't hurt!

[fordy]

Originally Posted by hintonlady

I am generally indecisive and am faced with what feels like a major life crossroad. I have been thinking too much and am too emotionally close to the situation to be objective. I want people to share their opinions to help me finish sorting my thoughts out, to maybe see it from another point of view.

Brief history of situation:

I have been blessed to be able to be a stay at home Mom. Occasionally family may baby-sit but my dd’s ages almost 2 and 3 ½ have never been under anyone else’s care outside of family. My deepest wish is to focus on my girls and either home school them or send them to parochial. For us, public school isn’t an option though I am not against public schools.

I am grateful that dh has a stable job with comfortable income. I just finished nurses aide training. I also just got a part time job doing something I will enjoy. I will be making $10 and hour, decent in my area. I had hoped to use the money to help pay down debts so dh can move forward with his business idea. Then I will be able to work full time in a pinch if he has a dry spell as the business starts up.

During my 9 week training I missed my family and have felt sort of drained and not at my best with them. I feel as if they have been neglected due to my schedule. I noticed that my youngest has been sort of indifferent of me and that our relationship has shifted some. Maybe it’s her age but the timing makes me wonder.


My pressing decision:

I have the opportunity to enter LPN training next summer and I can likely get it covered by some local scholarships. There is a need for LPN’s in our area. It is an 11 month program after which my salary will go up $5 and hour, from $10 to $15. With an LPN I can get easier access to a very competitive nursing program. I would bridge over and finish with 10 months rather than the standard 2 year. Basically faster to do LPN then RN than to do straight RN. (???) At that point my pay would go up another $10 and hour for a total of $25 an hour which would be fine by me.


Here is where I get lost:

Pros:
*Nice salary would certainly help transition dh from his less than ideal job into his business, although we can possibly squeak by without it.
*Having a trade/career, ‘nuff said.
*Hurry up and finish school sooner than later and be done to homeschool by the time the girls are in the early grades.
*Financial stability even if dh isn’t working. (he is a skilled technical worker who has no trouble getting work, if that matters, he is almost recession proof)
*Dh’s employer is a piece of work. If he gets wind of his business plans he may get immediately canned, without real justified cause. This could happen tomorrow, next year or never. Hard to say… If I am more employable it would sustain us.
*Never finished my schooling while with the ex, here is my chance.

Cons:
*I hate to compromise on my values of being a stay at home Mom and home educator. I will be missing, at a minimum, pre-school and kindergarten learning. To me this is a great loss.
*I am afraid to lose some of the closeness I have with my daughters. I fear this will change things for us as a unit. This idea is horrifying to me.
*I have some issues with depression and anxiety. It is all under control but if I was feeling pressure from a 9 week program a year program will take some getting used to.
*May or may not have time to complete one or both nurse programs depending on timing of dh’s business. Likewise, if dh’s boss acts like a meanie I may have to work full time and drop out of school (something that we have no way to predict)


So, there you have it. I am a mess. Please give me your thoughts.

Thanks

................Assume for a second that your DH becomes sick and Disabled for a year or so and can't work ! Now , obviously , you'll go to work immediately and find a job making the most $$ possible . At this juncture , you can find a job as UNskilled labor in the medical field <or> you can pursue a job as an LVN\RN because you decided to pursue your education\certification and completed the course work because DH is healthy and gainfully employed and your daughters will survive just fine just like all other children whose mother decided to educate themselves and work in a well paying field to help pay the bills ! From a practical standpoint the answer is obvious . , fordy

[Ruby]

I would give anything to be able to get back the time lost with my children. They are all now grown and have kids of their own, so that could never be. Relish the time you get to spend with your girls.

I've heard the first 6 years of a child's life determines what they become in life.

[Kellkell]

I'm also getting the impression that you've really already made your decision. What I'm "hearing" (I could be wrong), is that you've spent 9 weeks of classes away from your kids, and you were miserable. So then don't do it if you don't have to. I'm also speaking as someone who was a nurse's aide, and then became an RN, and has 3 kids. This work drains you, and I love what I do, but it is emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting some days. And you need to compartmentalize that from your family life, or it will spill over and affect them. Also, keep in mind that the study time that you will put in at home while going to nursing school is easily 4 times that what you do in the classroom and clinical. Keep in mind that the medical field is 24/7, and caring for people happens on weekends and holidays, and kids birthdays.

[Yvonne's hubby]

I have never heard of anyone on their deathbed regretting time spent with their families or wishing they had spent more time on their career. What dollar amount would you place on your kids if someone offered to buy them from you? Are they worth ten bucks an hour? Twenty five? Fifty?

[Shygal]

Training to be a LPN isnt going to take you away from your children 24 hours a day. You could even use some of the training to teach your children with, regarding health, anatomy, etc, even if they are small.

What happens if one day you are suddenly widowed? You have no skills, no job record, then what happens? Things like that do happen.

When I left my ex, I had no skills at all. The only prospect for a job for me was working two minimum wage jobs, and I would never see my kids at all. Leaving yourself without training is NOT a good thing if something happens.

The LPN class is 10 or 11 months, you will still be there for your children, and I don't honestly think its good for them to be around mom 24 hours a day. They need time to grow, and have alone time.

The classes wont take up as much of your day as you imagine they will, its not a matter of "class or kids", there is time for both, and they can help you study and learn, even as young as they are.

I think your mind is already made up though, but consider what would happen if something happened to your DH.

[Yvonne's hubby]

Originally Posted by Shygal

consider what would happen if something happened to your DH.

Ok, in our case I have given a lot of thought to what will happen if I croak out before my Yvonne... which is the most likely. I am several years older, my health is not good and is still deteriorating while she is healthy as a horse... well... lets say filly.

Upon my demise I figure there will be an auction within a few weeks. (auctioneers like to have at least a month to properly organize and advertise the sale), and my lifes work and accumulation of assets should take care of her and the new husband quite nicely until they can get on their feet.