Wwyd ??

SFM in KY · #1 10/05/12, 09:24 AM

Relatively hypothetical question as we've already addressed the issue and set the rules, but I'm curious about how HT people would generally react to this situation.

Circumstances: we're providing free board (cabin/utilities) plus some meals to our step-grandson who is in his early 20s. Long stretch of being unemployed, he basically helps with chores in exchange for a place to live, still helping with chores but has been employed now for 3 months, minimum wage and part time, 3 or 4 days a week. Naturally one of the first things he acquired once he had a job was a girlfriend, about the same age, divorced, two children under 2, minimum wage/fast food job, living with friends, no vehicle of her own. He's spent a number of nights at 'her place' ... she's spent a couple of nights at the cabin and GS just recently rearranged the cabin so he could get his own (double) bed set up. Pretty obvious to see where this was headed.

Now ... ignoring the *morality* of the situation totally ... what would your reaction/ rules be in this situation?

DH and I discussed it but both of us came up with the same answer immediately ... the cabin was built as one-person living quarters and it's going to stay that way. Not going to be a second person living there ... our property, our rules and in our case *morality* had nothing to do with the decision. We can just see too many ways this can go downhill fast.

AngieM2 · #2 10/05/12, 09:30 AM

If he cannot support himself, he does not need another in there taking your generousity. And if it was built for one, and offered for one, it should stay that way.

Maura · #3 10/05/12, 09:40 AM

I agree with you. Cramming another adult and two kids into that space is unfair to the children. The double bed is probably just for visiting, but it doesn't hurt to make things clear right up front.

littlebitfarm · #4 10/05/12, 09:46 AM

You are providing for him because he is family. She and the kids are welcome to move in but rent is $_____ (full real value) and she will need to put utilities in her name and sign a lease, just like any one else. First month, last month, and security deposit.

That should stop it before it starts!

Kathie

Ardie/WI · #5 10/05/12, 10:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AngieM2

If he cannot support himself, he does not need another in there taking your generousity. And if it was built for one, and offered for one, it should stay that way.

What Angie said!

bluemoonluck · #6 10/05/12, 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by littlebitfarm

You are providing for him because he is family. She and the kids are welcome to move in but rent is $_____ (full real value) and she will need to put utilities in her name and sign a lease, just like any one else. First month, last month, and security deposit.

If you make her a tenant you're opening yourself up to all sorts of issues, IMO. You'd have to evict her if she didn't pay you, for starters. You'd need to check your current homeowners insurance policy to see what liability you're setting yourself up for if you become an official landlord, etc etc

I think sitting down GS and saying exactly what you posted here is the most prudent action: "the cabin was built as one-person living quarters and it's going to stay that way. Not going to be a second person living there ... our property, our rules and in our case *morality* had nothing to do with the decision. We can just see too many ways this can go downhill fast."

You may even want to tell him that if he wants to play house, he has to do it elsewhere (ie her place).

Your house, your rules. If he doesn't like it, you'll help him pack

simi-steading · #7 10/05/12, 10:07 AM

I feel you said it all in your last sentence. Your place, your rules, and it sounds like you already know how you feel about his GF moving in... I'd stick to your guns.

If nothing else, it may give your GS some more incentive to look harder to find a better paying full time job to get a place him and his GF can share together if that's how he still feels when it gets to that time.. .

When I was younger, I lived with a couple too many of my GF's.... When you are young and full of oats, you don't typically think into the future when you have a girl that wants to live with you and bring her kids... Those situations never turned out well for me, nor their kids.

bluemoonluck · #8 10/05/12, 10:20 AM

BTA: I don't even know if this is a concern or not...but you may want to casually mention to GS that many child support court orders specify that neither parent can cohabitate with a BF/GF while the children are present (during their custodial time).

So essentially if this clause IS in there, his GF would lose custody of her kids to their father and/or she'd be found in contempt of court and jailed/fined for violating her court order if they moved in together....UNLESS she makes GS sleep someplace else during the nights she has custody of the kids.

I've known many a male friend who has had to ask a live-in GF to find someplace else to lay her head on the weekends that he has his kids for this reason

.

Like I said, it may or may not apply in this situation...just something for you to toss out there.

SFM in KY · #9 10/05/12, 10:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluemoonluck

If you make her a tenant you're opening yourself up to all sorts of issues, IMO.

A definite concern. A good friend of mine lived in the cabin for several years before she returned to CO ... ongoing issues with allergies that continued to get worse in this climate. The cabin sat there 'empty' for several years and we just had it for the occasional family/friend visitors that came.

We discussed trying to find a renter several times and backed out for this reason ... legal/insurance issues ...

Quote:

Originally Posted by simi-steading

When I was younger, I lived with a couple too many of my GF's.... When you are young and full of oats, you don't typically think into the future when you have a girl that wants to live with you and bring her kids...

This as well. Seems like most people do have to learn by making mistakes especially at that age. However, when you're the age of DH and I you can sure see the situations that you know are going to lead to trouble.

It may be showing a certain amount of prejudice on my part but I have to admit I'd at least thought about it if the GF had been single, no children, employed full time at a good job, owned her own car and didn't give the impression of being dumb as a post!

Alice In TX/MO · #10 10/05/12, 10:28 AM

Time for him to move out, pay rent to someone else, and become an adult.

soulsurvivor · #11 10/05/12, 10:36 AM

I'd be upfront and honest with him. I'd tell him that he has until the first of the month to vacate the premises. You don't owe him an explanation. You don't owe him anything. You are about to be taken advantage of and need to stop it before it continues any further. You can continue as is and take your chances or you can stop this now. Your choice.

Molly Mckee · #12 10/05/12, 10:41 AM

Sit him down and remind him of the agreement. You could end up with the girl and her kids living in the house and have to evict her. And no help with the farm. And maybe babysitting.

SFM in KY · #13 10/05/12, 10:43 AM

I agree he does need to learn to make adult decisions, but we have no problem with him being here. He puts in enough hours helping us here on the farm, figuring minimum wage that he 'pays' for what would be charged for rent/utilities somewhere and this was our agreement when he came.

He's always agreeable, he's good help and most times he ends up with more hours than rent over the month. We have no problem with this situation continuing and in fact it's advantageous for both of us. He isn't cash out of pocket for rent and we aren't paying cash out of pocket for help we'd have to hire (if we could find it even) for work we need help with now at our age.

soulsurvivor · #14 10/05/12, 10:58 AM

If you want him to stay then you're going to have to work with him on a new agreement. It's not fair to either of you to continue as is.

HeelSpur · #15 10/05/12, 11:09 AM

Sounds like trouble to me. How bout the childrens daddy, he'll be in the picture too.
(unless he's imprisoned or dead)

Big Dave · #16 10/05/12, 11:10 AM

DUMB AS A POST? Two children to add to her baggage. Most young people just live for the moment. Where are her folks? Yep it is a slippery slope. You already seem like you know what to do. What is holding yall back? Good fortune to ya in this.

Use Less · #17 10/05/12, 11:17 AM

Your answer should be no, even though you haven't been asked the question. He needs to grow up a LOT before he takes on a woman with small children. She can't be a great influence/choice for him if she managed to get married, have two kids & get divorced all in her early twenties, unless the ex is an abuser or some such. You can't control that part, but it doesn't need to be in your house.

SFM in KY · #18 10/05/12, 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by soulsurvivor

If you want him to stay then you're going to have to work with him on a new agreement. It's not fair to either of you to continue as is.

Definitely. We already had that discussion this morning in fact. Original agreement stands ... one person, "X" number of hours of work to equal "X" $ for cabin rent/utilities ... nobody else living/overnighting.

soulsurvivor · #19 10/05/12, 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SFM in KY

Definitely. We already had that discussion this morning in fact. Original agreement stands ... one person, "X" number of hours of work to equal "X" $ for cabin rent/utilities ... nobody else living/overnighting.

All that remains is informing him. Why have you hesitated to do this?
My apologies for not keeping up as I went back and reread the OP where you stated this has already been addressed.
I wish you the best in how all of this proceeds.

Michael W. Smith · #20 10/05/12, 01:18 PM

You did the right thing.

First off - this is your GRANDSON - not even your own son. While I understand you wanting to help him, just be aware that you don't "disable" him - where he comes to rely on your generosity. (This may not be the case at all - but you don't want him to think "Hmmmm - Grandma and Grandpa are helping me out. Free room and board. There is no need to get a better job or full time job."

I would have to wonder why his parents aren't helping him out? Unable to or don't they get along? Or did that and had enough?

Nope. Your cabin, your property, he is your guest. Make it clear to him that you have agreed to help him out - but you fully expect him to stand on his own two feet, get a full time job, save up enough money, and get a place of his own.

At THAT time, he can then add more complications to his life.