Kids ... you can't tell them anything!

SFM in KY · #1 09/25/12, 02:22 PM

Grandkids are just as bad ... and just to keep me humble, I remember my parents telling me things when I was in my late teens/20s (and even 30s) and I didn't listen either.

Step-grandson has been staying with us about 10 months now, in the one-room cabin we have. He had some minor legal problems, couldn't find a job, etc. and needed some distance from (my opinion) his mother.

It took him six months to find a job and it's just a bit over minimum wage, not full time (around 30 hours a week) but it's close so he's not having to drive far, gas isn't a big issue and his vehicle isn't reliable, needs some pretty extensive and expensive repair.

But being able to work for board/room/utilities he should be able to catch up on things pretty quickly, right?

Two months into the job, he's got a girlfriend ... naturally ... he's in his early 20s ... so of course that's the first thing he focuses on when he's got a little money in his pocket.

She's about the same age but divorced, with two kids under 3 years old, working at a fast food place, no vehicle and I think living with friends or family, doesn't have her own place. The last couple of weeks he's now out of $$ a couple of days before payday, borrowed some $$ from his aunt for some of the vehicle repairs ...

... so they can make a trip to a tourist thing in TN!

DH and I can only sit and shake our heads (and remember OUR younger days and priorities!) and watch the train wreck!

Dusky Beauty · #2 09/25/12, 02:56 PM

Sounds like low hanging fruit for the both of them.

Oh well...try not to judge too harshly-- maybe if they get serious he'll have to grow up too fast anyway.

sisterpine · #3 09/25/12, 03:56 PM

I have watched this type of thing happen to my own siblings and my own children. We reach a time where "helping" is not "helping". I am currently having this discussion with myself about how to tell DB no, next time he asks if I have five bucks for smokes. I do have five bucks but they are not for buying smokes for someone else. I do not know how to do this without sounding like an uncaring sister. I have been supporting him for a year now and I am tired. He is no longer really looking for anything more than side jobs and has not once given me money for the rent he agreed to. I have given "not loaned" money for car repairs, truck repairs, telephone bills, auto insurance, medical and eye glass expenses. I want/need for him to begin paying his own way....what do I say?

gardenmom · #4 09/25/12, 04:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sisterpine

I have watched this type of thing happen to my own siblings and my own children. We reach a time where "helping" is not "helping". I am currently having this discussion with myself about how to tell DB no, next time he asks if I have five bucks for smokes. I do have five bucks but they are not for buying smokes for someone else. I do not know how to do this without sounding like an uncaring sister. I have been supporting him for a year now and I am tired. He is no longer really looking for anything more than side jobs and has not once given me money for the rent he agreed to. I have given "not loaned" money for car repairs, truck repairs, telephone bills, auto insurance, medical and eye glass expenses. I want/need for him to begin paying his own way....what do I say?

Say exactly what you just wrote.

MO_cows · #5 09/25/12, 04:41 PM

You can tell them all day long, but some things just have to be learned first hand.

Yvonne's hubby · #6 09/25/12, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sisterpine

I have watched this type of thing happen to my own siblings and my own children. We reach a time where "helping" is not "helping". I am currently having this discussion with myself about how to tell DB no, next time he asks if I have five bucks for smokes. I do have five bucks but they are not for buying smokes for someone else. I do not know how to do this without sounding like an uncaring sister. I have been supporting him for a year now and I am tired. He is no longer really looking for anything more than side jobs and has not once given me money for the rent he agreed to. I have given "not loaned" money for car repairs, truck repairs, telephone bills, auto insurance, medical and eye glass expenses. I want/need for him to begin paying his own way....what do I say?

Two words should catch it.... "You... Out!" The only way these people are ever going to grow up is if they have to. As long as they know they can lounge around and live off someone else.... they will!

Yvonne's hubby · #7 09/25/12, 04:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SFM in KY

Grandkids are just as bad ... and just to keep me humble, I remember my parents telling me things when I was in my late teens/20s (and even 30s) and I didn't listen either.

Step-grandson has been staying with us about 10 months now, in the one-room cabin we have. He had some minor legal problems, couldn't find a job, etc. and needed some distance from (my opinion) his mother.

It took him six months to find a job and it's just a bit over minimum wage, not full time (around 30 hours a week) but it's close so he's not having to drive far, gas isn't a big issue and his vehicle isn't reliable, needs some pretty extensive and expensive repair.

But being able to work for board/room/utilities he should be able to catch up on things pretty quickly, right?

Two months into the job, he's got a girlfriend ... naturally ... he's in his early 20s ... so of course that's the first thing he focuses on when he's got a little money in his pocket.

She's about the same age but divorced, with two kids under 3 years old, working at a fast food place, no vehicle and I think living with friends or family, doesn't have her own place. The last couple of weeks he's now out of $$ a couple of days before payday, borrowed some $$ from his aunt for some of the vehicle repairs ...

... so they can make a trip to a tourist thing in TN!

DH and I can only sit and shake our heads (and remember OUR younger days and priorities!) and watch the train wreck!

There is no need in you sitting around watching train wrecks.... this "boy" is well beyond the age of adulthood.... its long since been time for him to start living his own life... making his own rules to suit his needs.... and paying his own way. You are NOT helping him... you are hindering his growth by providing a safety net.... which trust me... he WILL turn into a hammock.

emdeengee · #8 09/25/12, 04:47 PM

If my uninspired adult child was unemployed and living at home then he/she would be working for their keep. I guarantee I would be coming home to a spotless house and yard, clean laundry and cooked meals and evenings of relaxation. And when there is nothing left to do at my place they will be off through the woods to Grandmas' house with this Big Bad Wolf making sure there is a list of jobs for them to do there. And then perhaps a few friends and neighbours will need some help.

Eventually they will come to realize that getting a job or two -even at minimum wage and ones they consider beneath them - will be less work and pay better than just staying home

As for $5 for smokes. I would not even bother to answer - just laugh and walk away.

Cannon_Farms · #9 09/25/12, 04:53 PM

I didnt grow up until I was 20 or so, I was told I was a big girl and had to lay in the bed I made. Man did it suck for a while and I wasnt very happy but now happier than I was then..

Ardie/WI · #10 09/25/12, 04:55 PM

Tough love is usually the best love. Don't enable.

SFM in KY · #11 09/25/12, 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yvonne's hubby

There is no need in you sitting around watching train wrecks.... this "boy" is well beyond the age of adulthood.... its long since been time for him to start living his own life... making his own rules to suit his needs.... and paying his own way. You are NOT helping him... you are hindering his growth by providing a safety net.... which trust me... he WILL turn into a hammock.

Up until 'before girlfriend' he was definitely paying his way. He worked and worked hard on the farm, never complained, never had to wake him up in the morning ... and it wasn't easy for him as he has serious allergies to a lot of grass/weeds/hay ... so it wasn't like he wasn't fighting that as well. We put gas in his vehicle only when we needed him to do some driving with his vehicle and we never bought his cigarettes, etc. ... he ate what I put on the table and said thank you.

When he first went to work, it wasn't an issue either. He works an afternoon/evening shift and he was still up to do morning chores, helped 'full time' on his days off.

Since the girlfriend, it's become a problem, he just isn't here the majority of the time and we've already made it VERY clear that the cabin is not available for 'joint tenancy' under any circumstances. Plan is to write down the hours he actually works here on the farm for the next couple of weeks. A friend used to rent the cabin from us and the utilities for the cabin are separate, so we have a total rent/utilities figure. Will then figure hours worked x minimum wage (which is what they pay here for farm help usually) and see how it compares. If it doesn't equal out, we will simply tell him that he needs to pay rent/utilities up front and we will pay him cash for the hours he works.

We'll see what happens. Both DH and I keep saying to each other 'we didn't take him to raise' ... he was 14 I think when his mother married into the family and he was 20 when he came here. We offered an option when he was pretty much out of options ... some his own fault and some not, but he really did seem to be getting his life sorted out until the last month or so.

It's easy to see what is going on from 'outside', you know exactly what he's interested in and she's obviously looking for someone to help support her and the kids, since the ex-husband isn't helping. But there is absolutely no point to saying anything so all we can do is set things up so he has to take some kind of responsibility for the situation.

bluemoonluck · #12 09/25/12, 05:41 PM

There's a very simple word that solves many a problem: NO.

"Hey sis, can I 'borrow' 5 bucks for a pack of smokes?" NO

"Hey SFM/Aunt, can I borrow some $ so I can make it to next payday?" NO

If every adult in their lives tells them "NO" when they ask for another loan, they'll have no choice but to start managing their own $$ better.

Think of it this way: If you had a credit card with no real limit that you never had to make a payment on....wouldn't you use it? You wouldn't work to earn $$ for things you want when you could just charge them on this credit card, knowing you'd never have to pay any of that "borrowed" money back.

Stop being these people's credit card

. Learn to say "NO". Offer no explanation - if you give them one they'll come up with some shady counterargument. Just give a big

say NO and walk away.

SFM, you need to talk to the Aunt who keeps loaning this boy $$ and tell them the same thing.

SFM in KY · #13 09/25/12, 06:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluemoonluck

Stop being these people's credit card

.
SFM, you need to talk to the Aunt who keeps loaning this boy $$ and tell them the same thing.

He actually hasn't borrowed money from DH or I ... has just said "can't get that until payday" ... the most he's 'borrowed' is a couple of cans of pop, which he does replace.

I don't know the Aunt at all ... have never spoken to her or met her, in fact ... the only person in his family I've met is his mother (married to DH's oldest son/ second marriage) and one older brother. The Aunt is his father's sister and I think some of the 'loans' have been some kind of advance against what he will inherit from his father, who died recently. But from what he's said, it isn't a big $$ amount, I suspect it may not do much more than cover his debts that he has to pay and the auto repairs and it's not going to do that if he keeps spending it on vacations with the girlfriend!

DH and I agreed to provide a place for him to stay with board and room in exchange for his help on the farm and decided before we ever offered the option that we would stay completely out of the family issues. We won't interfere in his life any more than we would any other 'work for board/room' tenant and he either keeps his end of the bargain or the situation will have to change.

I agree, it's time for him to grow up and start setting his own boundaries and priorities and he's not going to do that if people keep setting them for him.