Do you ever look in the mirror, then puke?

Laura Zone 5 · #1 08/12/12, 09:21 PM

This is a rant alert.

This is only a rant.........

Do you ever look in the mirror and say "Who the smell are you?"
It's been a year, but you still remember the 'you' you used to see in the mirror, but the person looking at you today is some, some......I dunno....someone else?
A someone else you really don't like?

Then you stand back and get a look head to toe.
Whoever this person is in your mirror, because clearly it's NOT you, is not the person you were a year ago?
This person is.......not you. WHO IS THIS!!??

Then you get up close. You look deeply into the eyes of this, this well, whoever this is.....and deep in there.....you see a tiny weenie glimpse of YOU!
And you wonder "now how the heck did I get so small, and who is this funky person I am trapped in?

So you try to calm down, remove all 'emotions' from this view and just stick with the facts.
Wow, just wow.....what happened?
How did I get here?
For 365 days I *thought* I was doing the *right* thing.
But look at the mess that was made.....holy garbage, the OLD you would have NEVER done that...NEVER acted like that.....NEVER EVER put up with that.....NEVER EVER EVER put ____to the side.......who is this person in the mirror that possessed me for the last 365 days?

And where's the exorcist.
Whoever this freak is that took me over for 365 days, and made this huge firetruck of a mess, can just buzz off. Now. I mean RIGHT NOW.

I am serving an eviction notice to the stranger in the mirror.
Get out. Now.
Right, now.

willow_girl · #2 08/12/12, 09:23 PM

(((Laura)))

shanzone2001 · #3 08/12/12, 09:24 PM

Sending you a big hug...and yes, I have been there.
Make today the first day of the rest of your life! You are special, wonderful, capable woman who can and will find "herself" again!

bama · #4 08/12/12, 09:40 PM

not in the mirror, but my gosh, the camera LIES, i tell ya! that picture of my family at the zoo. . .i was there, but that was NOT me in that picture! ugh

Awnry Abe · #5 08/12/12, 09:40 PM

I take it that yesterday wasn't the only bad day you've had in a while. Hang in there, life will shape up. Go give Ps 23 a quick read. I just did for you as well.

Jokarva · #6 08/12/12, 09:55 PM

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

WS

Your rant just reminded me of this.....I hope peace of mind comes your way very soon.

Merks · #7 08/12/12, 10:03 PM

Laura, I so know what you mean, only I have been with this stranger in the mirror for a few years now. Seems the eviction notice, is not being noticed. Prayers for you.

NickieL · #8 08/12/12, 10:46 PM

Be the change you want to see.

chickenista · #9 08/12/12, 11:21 PM

This is a good thing!
It is a massive first step.
You remember who you are and can now resume regular programming.
It will take a while and some hard work and some crow pie,
but it can get back to normal.

barnyardgal · #10 08/13/12, 05:28 AM

I know the feeling all to well!! I feel your pain~~

Cliff · #11 08/13/12, 07:01 AM

Laura, I feel your pain. I've been struggling with this for about 10 years now. Honestly in ways I feel like I've wasted 10 years of my life. Just in the last year have I really started getting myself back. Not totally there yet but at least I'm climbing out of the hole.

You're an intelligent, caring woman and I wish you only the best. I know you can do anything you set your mind to and it sounds to me like you've already started climbing

I'll be praying for you.

Laura Zone 5 · #12 08/13/12, 07:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by willow_girl

(((laura)))

(((((wg)))))

Laura Zone 5 · #13 08/13/12, 07:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by barnyardgal

I know the feeling all to well!! I feel your pain~~

I am so sorry. I would not wish this on my worst enemy on earth.

Laura Zone 5 · #14 08/13/12, 07:30 AM

I feel like Luke Skywalker in the scene where he is dueling with Vader
and the Emperor gets out of his chair and says
"Good. Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you. ".
Luke is standing there, hacking at Vader......FURIOUSLY
And then stops, shuts down his saber and says
"never, I will never turn to the dark side".

I am hacking at Vader right now.....furiously.....and I don't want to shut down my saber
but I know the damage I can do when I give FULL vent to my anger....
God help me today, and everyone I come into contact with......

emdeengee · #15 08/13/12, 11:58 AM

Been there done that and wrote about it because there is always the chance for change.

The Come Back Kid

Looking in the mirror have you ever had a feeling of deja you?

A moment when you thought you saw someone you once knew

But couldn’t quite remember who.

When you recognized the familiar

In the body of a stranger.

When you felt the emptiness within

What was, what is and what should have been.

When you lived the before by a trick of the light

And knew you could no longer pretend everything was alright

For what was lost was no longer gone

And within you the battle lines had been redrawn.

I did, and it was as if what had been forsaken went on the attack

Shook me and screamed “it’s time to come back

Or cover that ----ed mirror with a shroud

Fade back into the crowd

And never live your dreams out loud.”

Filled with sadness I realized I had created what I most feared

Let everyone down, let myself go, gave up and just disappeared

But I took that moment of remembrance and decided to look for me

And now you wouldn’t believe who I see

Teri · #16 08/13/12, 01:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laura Zone 5

I feel like Luke Skywalker in the scene where he is dueling with Vader
and the Emperor gets out of his chair and says
"Good. Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you. ".
Luke is standing there, hacking at Vader......FURIOUSLY
And then stops, shuts down his saber and says
"never, I will never turn to the dark side".

I am hacking at Vader right now.....furiously.....and I don't want to shut down my saber
but I know the damage I can do when I give FULL vent to my anger....
God help me today, and everyone I come into contact with......

Sometimes anger is justified, Laura.
You're going to be ok.

Queen Bee · #17 08/13/12, 06:50 PM

yes, I have been there.. For 9yrs, I was the soul caregiver--first for my younger sister wo was dying of BC (2yrs), a month later I started caring for my father (lung cancer) traveling back and forth two month away, two weeks at home, for 18months.. Then the dr. said my mother couldn't live alone and only had 5 or 6 months to live (COPD--heart failure), so I brought her her to live with us (instead of doing the traveling thing)... She lived 5yrs. When I was dressing for the funeral, I passed by the mirror and did a double take..Who was this old women, who seemed anger, tired, short.... I had aged a LOT, I had gained weight, I hadn't had my hair done in yrs.. I was shocked and I wanted to puke...

RamblinRoseRanc · #18 08/13/12, 08:06 PM

Kick her to the CURB!
Be ruthless, Baby!

<<<hugs>>>

KentuckyDreamer · #19 08/13/12, 08:20 PM

Me too!!!! Each and every word. The old "perfectionist, type A personality" would have never let myself go, what has happened? So here I am making peace with myself each and every day. Deciding I will never be that put together 47 year old, but I WILL start to be that really put together 57 year old, one day at a time.

We should start a 'get ourselves back' club.

NickieL · #20 08/13/12, 09:22 PM

Fake it 'till you make it.

**Melissa** · #21 08/13/12, 09:25 PM

God made you and He loves you~ Never forget that.

willow_girl · #22 08/13/12, 09:50 PM

Quote:

Sometimes anger is justified, Laura.

^^^This^^^

And, the following may be totally off base, as I don't know the circumstances behind Laura's post, but ...

Sometimes I think that women (especially women 'of a certain age') (of which I am one!) grow up without learning how to express anger appropriately.

I think it has something to do with the dynamic of our family of origin.

My mother was relatively powerless in her marriage ... she tolerated a lot of stuff that most women today wouldn't. I assume she was afraid to speak out because it might jeopardize her meal ticket.

Occasionally she would 'snap,' and become VERY angry -- scary angry! I remember riding with her one time when she was mad at my father, crying and vowing that she was going to drive the car into a concrete freeway abutment and end her life. It didn't sound like she was going to stop first to let me out. Needless to say, I was terrified!

This "all or nothing" approach to anger didn't teach me how to set healthy boundaries or express anger in a constructive way.

I think a lot of women become depressed because it feels 'safer' than becoming angry.

Laura Zone 5 · #23 08/14/12, 07:55 AM

Willow, you're great!

Expressing anger. I sure with they would have taught a class at school on that.

Anger in my childhood years was either seething ,teeth gritting .malicious words, that cut faster and deeper than any knife OR it was screaming. fists banging. wall kicking. raging .lunatic stuff.

Makes for a hairy mess trying to figure out what to do / how to express when one gets older......

I agree, it's easier/safer to be depressed than wizzed off.

Today is a new day.
Today I chose my kids. I chose NOT to worry, or really care for that matter.
What will be, will be.

Minelson · #24 08/14/12, 09:10 AM

I just have to say that I love the title to this thread! Makes me laugh everytime I see it

willow_girl · #25 08/14/12, 11:23 AM

Laura, I am glad if what I said was helpful to you. It was kinda going out on a limb there, as well as yammering away about my own baggage.

But sometimes it seems you and I have had similar experiences.

I hope today is a better day for you.

willow_girl · #26 08/14/12, 11:24 AM

I'll add that IIRC, somewhere in your Good Book, I think it says something about it being OK to get angry, but don't sin in your anger. Maybe that is something to meditate upon.

mekasmom · #27 08/14/12, 04:33 PM

Know thy enemy.......... You only have one. And you only have one weapon in the whole armor of God. It is the sword of the Spirit, the Word of God. It is ok to be angry, but use the right weapon by speaking the Word of God out of your mouth, and aim it at the right place, the enemy of your soul. We wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers against spiritual wickedness in high places...

So when you are angry and frustrated, get alone, pick up your sword, speak the Word of God to the enemy of your soul. Don't beat yourself up about being angry. Jesus was angry at times. But use the anger in the only way that can really change the circumstances of your life.

Laura Zone 5 · #28 08/15/12, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mekasmom

Know thy enemy.......... You only have one. And you only have one weapon in the whole armor of God. It is the sword of the Spirit, the Word of God. It is ok to be angry, but use the right weapon by speaking the Word of God out of your mouth, and aim it at the right place, the enemy of your soul. We wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers against spiritual wickedness in high places...

So when you are angry and frustrated, get alone, pick up your sword, speak the Word of God to the enemy of your soul. Don't beat yourself up about being angry. Jesus was angry at times. But use the anger in the only way that can really change the circumstances of your life.

I am to wore out to fight anymore. Just to wore out.

Bret · #29 08/15/12, 02:56 PM

I have flossed my teeth in the mirror and it just looked like I...did. Scrubbing bubbles is never more than an arms length away.

You are still your best friend. That give you a lot to work with. Be fair.

Today you will laugh.

Sometimes I avoid looking in the mirror...and floss outside.

Ardie/WI · #30 08/15/12, 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laura Zone 5

I am to wore out to fight anymore. Just to wore out.

Whatever you're fighting for---stop fighting! If it's destroying your innermost spirit (and that's what it sounds like), stop beating your head against the wall.

Read the "Serenity Prayer".