Wedding drama- oy!

Elizabeth · #1 07/10/12, 11:48 AM

Little background here-

I have a nephew who just turned 23. From the moment he was born I used to help his mom with him all the time. I was the chief babysitter, diaper changer, and playmate. I adored that kid, and he adored me. We had a blast together.

When Aaron was 7yo his mom died, leaving him and his 4 1/2yo brother. Their dad was a slug and refused to take any responsibility for the boys. I wound up raising them for the next 8 years. When Aaron was 15, I was caring for them and my elderly parents. After my dad died in June, we knew my mom would not live much longer. The boys were out of school for the summer and it was not a good situation for them. My brother invited them out to stay with his family in Dallas, which turned into a permanent situation for Aaron. His brother could not get along with my brother and his wife (their fault, not his), so he went back to live with his dad and dad's new wife- that was a disaster, and he wound up coming to live with hubby and me. That was fantastic- he's a great kid, he and I have always had a special bond, and it was awesome to have him here during the last few years of his childhood.

Aaron stayed in Dallas, finished high school, went to college and just graduated. He started dating "H" about 5 years ago, and after graduation he took her to Europe for two weeks where he proposed to her. She accepted, and they have planned the wedding for October, in Dallas. This is where things are getting weird-

I just got off the phone with my sister-in-law (Aaron's aunt in Dallas), and I am shaking my head in disbelief. Apparently, she and my husband offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner, (Aaron does not speak to his dad and dad's wife and since they refused to support him while he was growing up he would never expect any help from them with his wedding) and help out in whatever way they can. I received an early, unofficial invitation to the wedding the last time I spoke with Aaron on the phone. We talked about their plans and he told me that the wedding would be on a Saturday and the rehearsal dinner would be on Friday night. The festivities will take place at a church camp 1 1/2 hours away from Dallas. The plan was that we would all go out on Friday and spend the day at the camp, attend the rehearsal dinner, stay over on Friday night, and then go to the wedding on Saturday.

Now, it appears that the wedding will be on Friday night, and the rehearsal dinner on Thursday night. But, none of the Aaron's extended family are invited to the dinner- I think just my brother and his wife. My SIL is livid. She had a conversation with "the kids" a few days ago and apparently this is what the bride has decided- HER family are all invited, but not Aaron's. Apparently Aaron protested, explaining to her that so many of his relatives have had a hand in raising him that he considers all of us his immediate family and wanted us all to be at the rehearsal dinner. His protests fell on deaf ears- his fiancee knows what SHE wants and is inflexible about it.

My SIL, who will deny this vehemently, is a HUGE drama queen. She says she isn't, but she has already announced that she and my brother will not attend the dinner unless all of the family members are invited. She does kind of have a point- after all, she is expecting a house full of out of town wedding guests and does not want to leave everyone to drive the 90 minutes to the camp, then go back home, then turn around and drive back for the wedding on Friday. But sheesh, what a drama this is turning into already.

I have a bad feeling that there are going to be some hard feelings about all of this. It's their wedding, and they can do whatever they choose, but I think the fact that "H" is not considering Aaron's wishes raises a big red flag, and I wonder if she expects to have her way all the time after they are married. I also think that her mother should take her aside and shake some sense into her, but I suspect the mother is in cahoots with her. sigh. I was so looking forward to seeing "my" sweet boy get married, and even hoped to share a "mother of the groom" dance with him at the reception. I guess I better not count on anything like that.

Oy!!!!

**Tiempo** · #2 07/10/12, 11:58 AM

Ugh weddings. Almost as bad as bloody funerals for bringing out the worst in people.

Melissa · #3 07/10/12, 12:00 PM

Since SIL is a drama-queen, make sure you are getting information directly from Aaron. Sometimes things tend to escalate as the story is retold! Hope it all works out...

JanO · #4 07/10/12, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Melissa

Since SIL is a drama-queen, make sure you are getting information directly from Aaron. Sometimes things tend to escalate as the story is retold! Hope it all works out...

Good advice.

pumpkin · #5 07/10/12, 12:13 PM

It is their wedding and it is unfortunate (and not a great sign) that your nephew has not stood up to his future wife about inviting his side of the family to the dinner. It would be nice if this were changed. On the other hand I would not make a drama.

I have been to weddings where the whole tone of the day has been soured by the arrangements made that did not seem right or fair. And it was awful. What a terrible way to start off and really it is just one day and one meal. I think that it is best to just accept what is decided by the marrying couple. Go to the wedding with a happy heart even if it does cause some extra driving.

AngieM2 · #6 07/10/12, 12:20 PM

Sorry for the discord.

But, if the bit about the bride wanting it HER way and not listening to the groom - he should run quickly and for a great distance in the other direction, or set aside a divorce fund now. (unless he decides to let her wear the pants of the family, totally).

HOTW · #7 07/10/12, 12:40 PM

The rehearsal dinner is paid for usually by the grooms parents so they should have a say in who is there however it is usually restricted to the wedding party and their SO's , the parents of the &G and the B&G. Thi is how I was raised to undestand it and the fact that th ebride is thinking it is a free meal for her family and the grooms family are persona non grata is wrong. Since they are paying for it your B & SIL should have a say in who they are paying for!

happy@home · #8 07/10/12, 12:54 PM

I agree, get the story from the groom. If he is unhappy about the wedding plans strongly suggest some premarital counseling, you can't force them but encourage it. They can work through their issues with a neutral person and leave all family out of it.

Whatever the decision is regarding who is invited to what and why just go along with it. Your nephew will be grateful for one family member who isn't adding to the stress.

My bil threw a fit when his stepdaughter got married and didn't have him walk her down the aisle. He refused to even attend the wedding. It caused so much damage that has never been repaired. He may have "deserved" to be the one to walk her down the aisle but his tantrum cost him his family. Personally I understand his hurt feelings but I think he was a jerk to demand his way and then not attend the wedding when he didn't get it.

Jennifer L. · #9 07/10/12, 01:15 PM

Hey, if your SIL is a drama queen, then I guess I am, too. I'd be livid, as well. If the groom's people are below the salt at the wedding, they are going to be below the salt for the rest of their married lives. If you don't say anything about it, it's not going to change.

You can say "it's their wedding" all you want: A wedding involves the whole family. Otherwise, it's called an elopement. And that's no elopement!

Jennifer

OkieDavid · #10 07/10/12, 01:33 PM

Run Aaron....run.....

Molly Mckee · #11 07/10/12, 01:36 PM

If what your SIL told you is true, I think the bride is way out of line. Your SIL should simply tell her that as hosts THEY are inviting the wedding party, the immediate family and maybe out of town guests. I wouldn't argue about it, simply point out that if I'm the hostess it is not going to be a party for her family. I didn't think the bride had much to do with a rehearsal when the grooms family was paying for it.

Raeven · #12 07/10/12, 01:41 PM

I've always said that weddings are a means of offending everyone you know in one fell swoop.

Your feelings of concern and angst are understandable. However, there is little you can do under the circumstances. Everyone has the right to travel their road in their own fashion.

Given the special relationship you enjoy with your nephew, an opportunity may present itself for you to gently and supportively inquire if this is truly what he wants for the rest of his life. His mother may well have asked, had she lived, and someone such as yourself might be moved to take her place. You will know by his response how committed he is to going through with the marriage.

That said, if he vehemently defends his choice, then all you can do is smile, hug him hard, grit your teeth and stand back to see how it all unfolds. I hope all will be well.

It does seem supremely unfair for members of your family to be tasked with paying for the rehearsal dinner but not allowed to say who attends. I agree with others here, that he/she who pays should have a great deal of say over the invitees. Personally, my response to the couple would be that of course, they are entitled to limit or expand the guest list in any way they see fit -- provided they are the hosts of the event. But I can also readily see how this may not make for the happiest outcome.

Best to you in challenging times.

Grandmotherbear · #13 07/10/12, 08:00 PM

Do they know it is the groom's family responsibility to pay and plan the rehearsal dinner? I ask because I did not. We were getting married in my mother's backyard and there were 6 children between his family, my 2, and my matron of Honor. I just informed everyone that we would be having a picnic in one of Pinellas County's parks for the rehearsal dinner. I didn't discover about the groom-family thing till my future MIL sent me a check to cover the cost of the picnic food and supplies. She was just getting over radiation status post mastectomy and I think future FIL was happy to get up and display his barbq skills rather than fuss with a fancy restaurant. I know GFB, The kids and I all had a great time. So, if they really don'tknow this piece of wedding etiqutte, the slight is unintentional. I don't know how to educate them this late in the game however.
Ask your nephew about a special dance now, before the wedding gets any closer. And whatever you do, don't criticize the soon to be inlaws. That will only backfire.

KentuckyDreamer · #14 07/11/12, 09:10 AM

Elizabeth,
For various dysfunctional family reasons, I too have a special relationship with a nephew....he has referred to himself as my "oldest son". His mother is living but destroyed many lives.

I just wanted to aknowledge your love for your nephew.

Terri

twomeal · #15 07/11/12, 10:06 AM

Hearsay: information received from other people that one cannot adequately substantiate; rumor.

Also, you should pretty much always mind your own business in matters like this, or risk getting cut off.

Big Dave · #16 07/11/12, 01:39 PM

This may be long. I usually do not post private things. But may be this will help you. Our family did not go to our oldest son's wedding. As you said it was the bride. We did have a reception for them but it was more for us to have family and friends see our son as he is stationed on a very distant naval base and would not be home for four years. He is happy and we all love him and wish him well. We me the brides father fo (NOW GET THIS) one and a half maybe minutes as they were going to see brides Gmother and had a second to stop in. He also prformed the ceromony. Nightmare, yep, love more. He may or may not be making a mistake, but let him know you will be there if the dream does not live up to expectations. Just my .02 Bless yall in your decsions.

nobrabbit · #17 07/11/12, 02:08 PM

The groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner and makes the decision on whom to invite. It's typically for the wedding party plus out of town friends and family members that are close to the bride and grooms.

Elizabeth · #18 07/17/12, 08:41 AM

Thanks to everyone who responded with thoughtful advice- I am taking all of it, lol.

I called the bride's mother about 10 days ago, to introduce myself, welcome their family, and get some more details about the wedding. She was not at home so I left a message on her machine and asked her to call me when she had a few minutes to chat about the wedding. She never returned my call. sigh. I guess I know now where the groom's family fits in. (remember, this nephew is more like a son to me than just a nephew, and he has made it clear, at least to the bride, how important hubby and I are to him).

I just hope and pray that this marriage works out for my nephew.

I have decided to stay out of it, other than making sure my nephew knows that we are willing and able to help in any way we can. I will just show up when and where I am invited, enjoy the ceremony, visit with relatives I haven't seen for a while, show off our baby daughter, have fun, and be done with it. I have no stomach for drama, and I just hope that my sister-in-law stays out of it as well.

Elizabeth · #19 07/17/12, 08:45 AM

Terri-

Thanks you for your lovely post.

I am glad your nephew has you in his life.

I wish all kids had someone to depend on when their parents can't/won't/don't do the job themselves.

Karen · #20 07/17/12, 09:16 AM

I think you're doing the right thing and applaud your not getting involved. I know the situation is hurtful, but it is their wedding and their life and are entitled to do it all anyway they wish. God bless you for respecting that.

You know, you fall in love and get brain damage! He'll have to figure out her out on his own. All you can do is be there for him when that happens.

On the other hand, if she's had the "normal" childhood life with her parents and family, you don't know what she's told her family about yours and how it 'appears' to all of them. For many people who have been very fortunate and blessed, they can't comprehend the situation Aaron grew up in and they can end up pretty judgmental about issues they don't understand. Their way is to just avoid it all and keep to their more 'perfect' <sigh> family and elevate that family above yours.

But I think it just could be that with it your SIL being such a drama queen and so many lives destroyed, they are just trying to avoid any type of drama that might develop and ruin the wedding. They don't know you all; they only know the family history and perhaps even feel it's their daughter that should run..LOL. Returning your phone call is one indication that they simply may not want to get involved in what they perceive to be a bad situation and bringing drama into the wedding plans. They are wrong of course, but it takes a while to break preconceived notions.

I'd talk to your nephew and see what the situation is and let him know you respect their wishes whatever they decide. In turn, he will relay that to his fiancé and she to her parents. It might open things up a lot between you and her and you and her family knowing you are not like the rest and respect the choices those 2 kids make.