To move or not to move?

[Honey Berry]

My husband and I are in our early forties. We have 3 small children. We have a six acre homestead where we’ve lived for 8.5 years. We are debt-free except the mortgage and our place will be paid off in 8 years. We’ve done a lot of updates on our home including new water lines, new metal roof, new gutters, new wood stove and some new hardwood floors. Our house is finally getting to be the way we want it to be. We love our place and we have friends and family in the area. I have a part-time job nearby and husband does route sales in the area.

Our problem: my mother is crazy and has been abusive to me my whole life. She and my dad live 5 miles away. We try to avoid her, but we go to the same church and have the same relatives and many of the same friends, so avoidance is not always possible. Every now and then she will show up here to berate me in front of my children. The way she treats me, you would not believe she is my mother. I would never say the things to my children that she has always said to me. Many people have a problem with my mother. My younger sister is a couple miles away and often times will gang up with my mother in mistreating me. These two women are often times a source of misery when they are around. I limit the amount of time my children spend with them, but they have already seen and heard too much.

My husband and I are contemplating moving away. We are nearly finished with home projects (painting, staining decks, washing windows, laying flooring, etc.) and it occurred to us that this would be a good time to try to sell the house now that it is just about ready to show. We understand the economy is not the best; it is a buyer’s market. We are happy here until my mother or sister blows up at me.

We have already spread the word that our house will be up for sale soon but we don’t know where to go. We could move a half-hour or 45 minutes away, go to a different church and keep our jobs and friends and be out of their direct path. But they could still drop in and cause trouble. My husband could stay with his company and move to cities that are 3 hours away or 6 hours away. But then we have to start all over again with making new friends, learning where to find everything and if my mother comes, it will probably be an over-night trip.

I am seeking advice. There are so many factors. There is no fixing the relationship as we have discussed the problem with my parents many times, and she only behaves herself a short time before falling back into her old ways. I guess I am afraid that all the time and work of moving will not fix anything or that moving may create a new set of problems.

This has been weighing heavily on me. I feel better just typing it out. Thank you.

[AngieM2]

Can you just hang up or shut the door in her face?

[Kris in MI]

That is a hard call. Personally, I don't think 1/2 hr to 3/4 hr away would be far enough should you go to all the trouble (and additional expense) of purchasing a new house further away and moving. Unless your mom is too lazy to drive that far. . .

But it seems a shame for your whole family to have to pull up stakes and move hours away.

On the other hand, we moved several times with young children and they adjusted just fine. If the parents treat it as an adventure and talk positively about it. . . new house! new yard! new places to explore! new friends to meet! it will be great!. . .I think changes like that go much easier for them.

[Darren]

How old is your mother? My guess is late 50's to 60's. How long do you expect her to live?

This is a sticks and stones situation except your mother is the bully. As family it's tough to ignore someone. But that's what you need to do. Moving away from a place you're established and have something to show for your efforts seems to be a shame. Sometimes you need to stand your ground knowing that only mortality will stop the battles.

[YankeeinMarylan]

Put me in the camp of a half hour or more is not enough camp. I'm adopted and my younger brother and older sister are my adopted Mom's favorites as they are her bio kids. I'm the product of her brother who lives in a group home for the mentally changelled and his girl friend. Where I was born it was not acceptable for you to have family adopted out so I was taken in by "Mom" and "Dad" growing up I was the probelm kid. The favorite kick toy. As I grew older and married and had kids "Mom" would practically hunt me. Go to the store there she was, calls from 6am to 12pm. If you didn't answer she'd find you. Finally for peace and quiet we moved. First two hours away, no go still alot of calls and come bys on the weekends. Finally we moved 600+ miles away and gave no one the number and did not have it pubically posted. Peace and Happiness all around. It's a extreme but sometimes it's well worth it. So far 10 years of peace. Priceless

Benny

[Coco]

Have you tried to tell your mother to back off??

I would not move, I would just start ignoring her and tell her you are not going to put up with her anymore.

Will send a prayer your way.

[bluemoonluck]

Next time she or your sister show up at your home, call the cops...have them arrested for trespassing. Keep doing that until you have legal grounds to file a restraining order against both her and your sister.

Moving away won't help, IMO. You can't escape crazy . Involving the police and making it a legal issue is a much better option than leaving what you've got!!

[GrannyG]

Being so close to having the mortgage paid, all the lovely improvements...there is NO WAY I would move....ignore her....or file a restraining order to keep the unwanted family from your property....have home church if you need to....

[Dusky Beauty]

Originally Posted by YankeeinMarylan

Put me in the camp of a half hour or more is not enough camp. I'm adopted and my younger brother and older sister are my adopted Mom's favorites as they are her bio kids. I'm the product of her brother who lives in a group home for the mentally changelled and his girl friend. Where I was born it was not acceptable for you to have family adopted out so I was taken in by "Mom" and "Dad" growing up I was the probelm kid. The favorite kick toy. As I grew older and married and had kids "Mom" would practically hunt me. Go to the store there she was, calls from 6am to 12pm. If you didn't answer she'd find you. Finally for peace and quiet we moved. First two hours away, no go still alot of calls and come bys on the weekends. Finally we moved 600+ miles away and gave no one the number and did not have it pubically posted. Peace and Happiness all around. It's a extreme but sometimes it's well worth it. So far 10 years of peace. Priceless

Benny

I'd advise "go big or stay home". Either make the move count as a new start in a different state and never be available to host them visiting, or start hanging up the phone, slamming the door in their faces, locking the front gate, calling the police and filing restraining orders until you effectively divorce your mother.

[Tracy Rimmer]

Originally Posted by Honey Berry

and if my mother comes, it will probably be an over-night trip.

Why? Why would you allow this woman in your home at ALL?

Toxic people are toxic people. You do NOT have to "allow" them to hurt you. Remove her from your life -- excise her like a tumour. You'll be happier for it. You could even do this without moving at all. It's called a RESTRAINING ORDER.

Just because she gave birth to you does NOT mean you have to put up with being treated this way. Stop letting her hurt you, remove her from your life, and treat her like any other nut-job you might be exposed to at work or church. Get that restraining order and call the police EVERY TIME you see her car turning in your driveway.

We treat our children how to treat others by our actions *AND* by our inaction. We also teach them how others may treat them. Stop letting this woman steam roll you -- your children are watching!

[Honey Berry]

Originally Posted by Darren

How old is your mother? My guess is late 50's to 60's. How long do you expect her to live?

This is a sticks and stones situation except your mother is the bully. As family it's tough to ignore someone. But that's what you need to do. Moving away from a place you're established and have something to show for your efforts seems to be a shame. Sometimes you need to stand your ground knowing that only mortality will stop the battles.

She will be 61 this year. As much as I hate to let my mind go there, I've already realized that the only way out of this situation is to out live her.

[Wags]

Is it possible to put in a gate at the entrance to your driveway? Something with an automatic opener, so it doesn't inconvenience you, but keeps them out without calling first. If someone else questions you about the gate you can just say you thought it was safer to have it - you don't have to tell them it helps you stay safe from your mother.

Utilize caller ID and do not take calls from her or your sister or if you prefer, there are ways to just block a number from being able to call yours.

If you like your house, and have friends where you are and your only motivation to move is your mother and your sister than I think it would be worth it to make it very difficult for them to contact you and just ignore them. If your mother starts up with you at church, just say "excuse me" and then walk away.

[Honey Berry]

Originally Posted by Tracy Rimmer

Why? Why would you allow this woman in your home at ALL?

Toxic people are toxic people. You do NOT have to "allow" them to hurt you. Remove her from your life -- excise her like a tumour. You'll be happier for it. You could even do this without moving at all. It's called a RESTRAINING ORDER.

Just because she gave birth to you does NOT mean you have to put up with being treated this way. Stop letting her hurt you, remove her from your life, and treat her like any other nut-job you might be exposed to at work or church. Get that restraining order and call the police EVERY TIME you see her car turning in your driveway.

We treat our children how to treat others by our actions *AND* by our inaction. We also teach them how others may treat them. Stop letting this woman steam roll you -- your children are watching!

She is bi-polar. Sometimes she is nice. Then she can turn on a dime. The situation is difficult because I never know how she is going to behave. She draws people in with sweetness and gifts and love, then lashes out. It is very hurtful. My children love her and she is pretty good to them, but they get freaked out when they see her treat me badly.

[Miss Kay]

I do understand what you are going through. I was very much in the same situation. I tried everything. I tried avoiding her, not answering the phone, never went to see her etc. but she would show up on my doorstep out of the blue to attack me in front of my family. When that didn’t work, she went after my adult son and told so many horrible lies she managed to turn about half of my extended family against me. It was simply killing me through stress and had completely stolen my joy. My husband finally stepped in and said we had to go. We actually moved for other reasons too but for me, the thought of being 1,000 miles from her was wonderful. We prayed about it a lot and waited upon the Lord to lead us and boy did he ever. We sold our farm (houses don’t sell well but lots of people are wanting homesteads) and found this farm. This is by far the best place we ever lived and we knew no one when we got here. I would suggest, if you are going to do it make sure you go far enough she can’t get to you. My life has never been better and I never have to look over my shoulder. It is as if God built this house and farm for us and simply had it waiting. The hardest part for me was all the advice like “but she is your mother”, “just don’t let it bother you”, “honor they parents”, etc. I am so over that now. I know that I was not honoring her by allowing her to sin horribly against her own flesh and blood. I honor her now by simply keeping my mouth shut and letting her tell whatever it is she wants to tell. I have found that much of the family has rallied around me like I never expected. You do what you need to do.

[backtocolo]

You should read the book Boundries by cloud and townsend.

Personally I would put up no trespassing signs. I would gate my driveway and fence the yard. Do as above posters suggested and start the legal trail for a restraining order. Sign up for the service with your phone provider that will allow you to block calls. Don't answer any unknown numbers. If someone wants to reach you they will leave a message.

Have a video camera handy. When she comes around video tape her has you tell her she is not welcome on your property or near your family. she must leave.

I would find a new church as soon as you get a restraining order.

If I loved my home and we liked our jobs I would not leave them due to a relative who doesn't respect boundries. You need to establish and strongly enforce boundries with your family.

Be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better. When you start enforcing your boundries expect that your mother and sister will test how far they can push you. Sit down and talk to your husband about possible scenarios that could come up and how you will respond to them.

If you have friends at church that you trust completely tell them ahead of time what you are doing so that if something happens at church they can help by removing your children from any confrontations.

[Tracy Rimmer]

Originally Posted by Honey Berry

She is bi-polar. Sometimes she is nice. Then she can turn on a dime. The situation is difficult because I never know how she is going to behave. She draws people in with sweetness and gifts and love, then lashes out. It is very hurtful. My children love her and she is pretty good to them, but they get freaked out when they see her treat me badly.

BTDT. Trust me, I know what you're going through.

However, you cannot put up with someone being hurtful to you because "sometimes they're nice". If she is diagnosed bipolar, then she needs to either get her medication sorted, or you need to take charge of the situation. No one has the right to treat another this way -- and the fact that you're making excuses for her behaviour tells me that she's been doing it for a long time, probably your entire life.

Chances are, if your sister is treating you this way as well, that she's bipolar too, so unless you do something about it, don't expect it to be over when dear old Mom passes.

Do something NOW. If you EVER want to have a healthy relationship with her or your sister, you need to take charge of the situation and STOP this behaviour.

And don't expect her to never turn on your children. I've been there, done that, too -- and it's all well and good while they're little and manipulable. Wait until they get opinions of their own. Or worse, wait until they come to an age where she figures she can turn them against you, too.

Don't let it happen. I did -- for fifteen years I did. It was very, very hard to make that cut, but we did it and after a few years of proving we were serious, she approached us and we have a MUCH better relationship with her now.

[Honey Berry]

Originally Posted by backtocolo

You should read the book Boundries by cloud and townsend.

Personally I would put up no trespassing signs. I would gate my driveway and fence the yard. Do as above posters suggested and start the legal trail for a restraining order. Sign up for the service with your phone provider that will allow you to block calls. Don't answer any unknown numbers. If someone wants to reach you they will leave a message.

Have a video camera handy. When she comes around video tape her has you tell her she is not welcome on your property or near your family. she must leave.

I would find a new church as soon as you get a restraining order.

If I loved my home and we liked our jobs I would not leave them due to a relative who doesn't respect boundries. You need to establish and strongly enforce boundries with your family.

Be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better. When you start enforcing your boundries expect that your mother and sister will test how far they can push you. Sit down and talk to your husband about possible scenarios that could come up and how you will respond to them.

If you have friends at church that you trust completely tell them ahead of time what you are doing so that if something happens at church they can help by removing your children from any confrontations.

Would you believe that my mother actually GAVE me that book? Lol! A fence and gate is a good idea....

I already shut off the ringer to the home phone because when my children answer, they get pumped for all kinds of information. My mother will ask them if they want to go someplace with her before she has asked me first, and when I tell my children no, then I am the bad guy and have to deal with the aftermath.

[Honey Berry]

Originally Posted by Miss Kay

I do understand what you are going through. I was very much in the same situation. I tried everything. I tried avoiding her, not answering the phone, never went to see her etc. but she would show up on my doorstep out of the blue to attack me in front of my family. When that didn’t work, she went after my adult son and told so many horrible lies she managed to turn about half of my extended family against me. It was simply killing me through stress and had completely stolen my joy. My husband finally stepped in and said we had to go. We actually moved for other reasons too but for me, the thought of being 1,000 miles from her was wonderful. We prayed about it a lot and waited upon the Lord to lead us and boy did he ever. We sold our farm (houses don’t sell well but lots of people are wanting homesteads) and found this farm. This is by far the best place we ever lived and we knew no one when we got here. I would suggest, if you are going to do it make sure you go far enough she can’t get to you. My life has never been better and I never have to look over my shoulder. It is as if God built this house and farm for us and simply had it waiting. The hardest part for me was all the advice like “but she is your mother”, “just don’t let it bother you”, “honor they parents”, etc. I am so over that now. I know that I was not honoring her by allowing her to sin horribly against her own flesh and blood. I honor her now by simply keeping my mouth shut and letting her tell whatever it is she wants to tell. I have found that much of the family has rallied around me like I never expected. You do what you need to do.

I am happy to hear that you have found happiness!

I have been praying. Have yet to receive a clear answer, other than to keep working on my house and get everything finished.

[Honey Berry]

Originally Posted by Tracy Rimmer

BTDT. Trust me, I know what you're going through.

However, you cannot put up with someone being hurtful to you because "sometimes they're nice". If she is diagnosed bipolar, then she needs to either get her medication sorted, or you need to take charge of the situation. No one has the right to treat another this way -- and the fact that you're making excuses for her behaviour tells me that she's been doing it for a long time, probably your entire life.

Chances are, if your sister is treating you this way as well, that she's bipolar too, so unless you do something about it, don't expect it to be over when dear old Mom passes.

Do something NOW. If you EVER want to have a healthy relationship with her or your sister, you need to take charge of the situation and STOP this behaviour.

And don't expect her to never turn on your children. I've been there, done that, too -- and it's all well and good while they're little and manipulable. Wait until they get opinions of their own. Or worse, wait until they come to an age where she figures she can turn them against you, too.

Don't let it happen. I did -- for fifteen years I did. It was very, very hard to make that cut, but we did it and after a few years of proving we were serious, she approached us and we have a MUCH better relationship with her now.

My mother and sister are both diagnosed bi-polar. My mother has ALWAYS treated me this way. Sister is 7 years younger and the favorite.

I am very afraid that they will find ways to turn my children against me. We have been keeping these women at arms length because my sense tells me to stay away from dragons. I found out that my sister has been telling people that I am keeping my children away from her children. No, just keeping myself away from her!

[AngieM2]

You do not have to let your children be around them, to be turned against you.

Just make sure you and DH are on the same mindset, and present a united front.

[Dusky Beauty]

Honey Berry,
Surely there is someplace you have always admired but never considered ending up there as a possibility? I say let your fantasies wander. Sick of winter? Look further South. Love the beach? check out something more coastal. Want milder weather summer and winter? try pacific NW.
I'm sure you can harness some excitement to journey to some new and "exotic" place. Get a list of places your DH can transfer to and go wild with research. Check chamber of commerce sites, browse real estate, check local attractions, churches, clubs etc. Try Findyourspot.com and see what the test suggests for your ideal places to live.

Think of all the positives a move could give you... a different climate you might prefer, PEACE, a different economy--- you may even make a favorable swap if your current farm is in a good market.

I made the choice to cut off a mentally unstable parent. It was hard at first but I know I did the right thing by not exposing my children to the insanity.

[Jennifer L.]

Pick a fight with your mother on the church lawn when everyone is arriving for services. Make it loud. Then after services pick up where you left off and let her have it some more. At this point the entire congregation with have heard it all and there will be no way for your mother to make headway against you by "tattling" to other people in the congregation. If you feel like it, call everyone up who was there to see it and apologize for the disruption and get your side out.

In other words, you spike her social guns.

With that done, if she shows up at your house, step out on the porch and close the door behind you and let her have it some more. Sister, too, if she dares.

She may have abused you when you were a kid, but you aren't a kid now and you're LETTING her abuse you at this point. Just put your foot down and don't let her do it anymore.

Let her run you away from the home you love? Forget that! Tell her off good and proper. Worst thing that can happen is you get the cold shoulder from her at family engagements, but from what you've said it wouldn't be the worst thing.

Jennifer

[Sawmill Jim]

Yep jump em before they jump you Beat them at their own game . Also smile at lot this way she will wonder if you know something they don't

[TxHorseMom]

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but you can't have it both ways. You either want her in your life, or you don't. Decide what is more important to you. Your relationship with your mother or your kids. If you TRULY don't want her in your life AT ALL then move, far away, don't give her your new number (or anyone that might give her your phone number) and if she does show up, tell her to leave and mean it. If you don't want to move, it is still possible. Change your number (see above) change churches, where you shop etc and if she shows up, make her leave. If you don't want to do any of these "drastic" things, then plan on having her in your life. It's that simple.

[PaulNKS]

Originally Posted by Honey Berry

I already shut off the ringer to the home phone because when my children answer, they get pumped for all kinds of information. My mother will ask them if they want to go someplace with her before she has asked me first, and when I tell my children no, then I am the bad guy and have to deal with the aftermath.

It doesn't matter what the aftermath is. You are their mother and if you say they can't go with her, you don't owe them an explanation.

I think you should cut all ties with your mother and your sister. So what, if your sister says you are keeping your children away from hers. I would and as their mother, you have every right to do so. You are responsible for your children and their well-being, both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If it means they no longer are allowed contact with your mother, your sister or her children, the so be it.

Don't force them to make you leave a home you love or a church you love. You also don't have to fight back. You can cut ties and let them know what you have done and you need no further explanation. Tell her if she ever tries to contact you or the children, you will get a restraining order and have it enforced.

However, If you want a change and start over, there is definitely nothing wrong with that. You will make new friends and so will your children.

I've told so many people before that we can't choose who gives us birth, but we can certainly choose who our family members are and they do NOT have to be biological.

Yes, you should honor your mother and father, but that does not mean that you have to put up with abuse or even have any connection to them. You honor them and the way they raised you by being the best person you can be for you, your husband, and your children. Since the children already know what's going on, tell them of you and your husband's decision and tell them it isn't open for debate as long as they live in your home.

I know it can be rough but, good luck to you. Do the right thing for you, your husband, and your children.

[Pam6]

While you are continuing to finish your house I would set the boundaries and cut off all contact with them, switch churches, change your phone number, put up a gate, etc. I would try EVERYTHING I could to cut off contact before moving. If you feel that you have done EVERYTHING possible over the next 3-6 months to cut them off while you live where you do and they do not stop then I would then consider moving. But I would do everything in my power to stop them from creating drama first.

[Dusky Beauty]

Originally Posted by Jennifer L.

Pick a fight with your mother on the church lawn when everyone is arriving for services. Make it loud. Then after services pick up where you left off and let her have it some more. At this point the entire congregation with have heard it all and there will be no way for your mother to make headway against you by "tattling" to other people in the congregation. If you feel like it, call everyone up who was there to see it and apologize for the disruption and get your side out.

In other words, you spike her social guns.

With that done, if she shows up at your house, step out on the porch and close the door behind you and let her have it some more. Sister, too, if she dares.

She may have abused you when you were a kid, but you aren't a kid now and you're LETTING her abuse you at this point. Just put your foot down and don't let her do it anymore.

Let her run you away from the home you love? Forget that! Tell her off good and proper. Worst thing that can happen is you get the cold shoulder from her at family engagements, but from what you've said it wouldn't be the worst thing.

Jennifer

I don't wish to insult the OP at all, but I think it's a pretty realistic expectation that someone who has been emotionally bullied all their life is pretty much trained to take it as it comes. Clearly, she has a hard enough time not answering the phone when they call because as effed up as they are, she probably still wants to please those family members.

I bet in practice she would rather deal with things as they are than to deal with the crap-storm of backlash that would happen if she tried to be more assertive in those boundaries. I know I do-- even if I am a blunt and assertive amazon, I'm still a people pleaser who prefers not to rock the boat in my family.

For me, "divorcing" the toxic family connection and moving out of reach with no forwarding was the only way. If I had tried to set boundaries I would have been guilt tripped into dropping them. (Facebook is marvelous. I blocked everyone I didn't want to contact me and if they ever search me I won't come up. I keep in touch with my cousin on that side and those relatives can't see me post on her stuff either. )

So, get real. Beautiful advice in theory, but in practice it's more than you could hope for I'm thinking.

[mekasmom]

Originally Posted by Honey Berry

She is bi-polar. Sometimes she is nice. Then she can turn on a dime.

There is no way in the world I would let the devil steal my home from me over my bipolar mother. Just stay away from her. That is Ok to do. You have a right to protect yourself and your children. It doesn't mean you don't care for your Mom. It doesn't mean you don't want her well. It just means you are protecting your family. If you see her once a year at a Christmas play then so be it. And if she gets mouthy then, it is ok to leave or to call the police. You have a right to be free from harassment, free from abuse, free from a mentally ill person who is trying to disrupt your family.
But don't give up your financial prosperity and lovely property because you don't want to deal with your ill mother. Deal with it. It is ok to cut her off to protect yourself and your children. Same with your sibling. You just have to be bold enough to deal with it.

[bluemoonluck]

What will you do if you go thru all the hassle of moving and your Mom discovers where you are and follows you?

It happens

That's why I say you can't run from this kind of person. Restraining orders are meant for these kinds of situations.

[Teri]

I'd move.
These kind of people live a LONG time.
My narcissistic father in law is 89 years old.