How to politely part ways with someone? **longish**

[hintonlady]

I have an aquaintance who has much more interest in becoming friends than I do. There are reasons though. Although we have some things in common I find some things about this person uncomfortable.

She is unhappily married, which is NOT a crime. However, she does stray from her husband. That bothers me on a few levels. I'm not trying to judge, to each their own. I just hate the idea of being brought into someones drama and I don't need dishonest friends.

She seems very needy and emotionally high maintenance. I can empathize that she is lonely but I doubt I can provide what she needs and stay sane in the meantime.

She seems shifty in the sense that her likes/behavior can be flexible to meet my likes. As in, I'm not really sure who she is because she is trying too hard. She is full of flattery to the point that it becomes uncomfortable and almost insincere. It just reeks of desperation.

I feel sorry for her, I truly do. I do not want to hurt her feelings. I want to part ways with her with as much kindness and gentleness as possible. I would try to be friendly but I'm afraid she is showing signs of latching on and taking things a bit too far. A little bit of kindness on my part as been read into waaay too much.

Honestly, I may be overanalyzing all of this. I'm pretty reclusive, enjoy my own company and am not lonely for new people. If I were to add someone to my world I would want/need for them to be as independant and as self winding as I am. I don't have the desire or energy to HAVE to chat/text/email at least a couple to a few times a day.

My ideal is a call a couple times a week when something worth talking about actually happens. Hang out a couple times a week as time permits for a playdate with kids at the park, a movie, shopping or a family bbq. Plus some random texts here and there to share a joke or something. Of course this is flexible...just an idea of my needs and what I can reasonably provide in return.

Is that lazy or normal? I will accept CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.

The lady I am concerned about seems to need constant contact and feedback, gets worried if I miss a day. It just feels strange to me. I'm in a situation where she likes me much more than I like her. I could maybe grow to like her but not without scarificing my own happiness and needs.

How do I handle this like a grown up?

I hate to lie so making up creative excuses isn't too appealing.

If I MUST make an excuse (starting a new job or??) to spare her feelings I guess I will, it still bothers me though. Seems sleazy.

Brutal honesty about why I am not interested seems unusually cruel.

What would you do?

[unregistered41671]

I am one of those people who say what is on my mind. Tell the truth but try to be gentle. There is no sense in both of you being unhappy. Tell it like it is. I guess I am unusually cruel. I sleep pretty good at night though. Hope you get it worked out.

[jen74145]

Boundaries need not be spoken. Just go along as you wish.

A simple "not today, but how about next Thursday?", as it seems you're interested in limited interaction, is just fine.

[cathleenc]

Those things would have my 'danger, warning' light going a mile-a-minute!

I tend to be relatively cautious and slow when making women friends - give me 2-3 years of slowly getting to know someone and I know I'll have a friend for life. Quick intimacy screams of danger.

I'd go at your own pace - whatever feels comfortable to you - and not let her push you into anything you don't feel comfortable with. You could say something to her or just let her figure it out.

[strawberrygirl]

Unfortunately, there are times when being polite or tactful isn't in the cards.

Several years ago my son made a "friend" at school. It was a nightmare from the beginning. The mom wanted to be friends, but I had nothing in common with her at all. She made little digs here and there about our lifestyle, but I never said boo. The straw that broke the camel's back was when I went to pick my son up from a playdate at their house. I found my 8 year old son swimming in their inground pool all by himself. Polite was not in my vocabulary that day.

[Sonshine]

When she calls, just let her know you're busy right now. As another poster said, if she wants to get together, just tell her you can't right now, but maybe another day. Hopefully she'll get the hint and back off a bit.

[chickenmommy]

Honestly, even what you described as being comfortable with would be too clingy for me. I think the suggestion of putting her off when not in the mood for a visit will have the best end result. You could even explaine that you just don't have time for so much visiting.

[mekasmom]

I would just say, "Thank you for asking, but no, I can't do that today. I have something else that I have to do". You don't have to give details or explain. You don't have to give excuses. It is ok to say no. Just be polite, but stay distant. If she starts talking on the phone, then do the same thing. "I'm sorry, I just can't talk right now. I'm in the middle of something. But thanks for calling. Bye" Then hang up. You don't have to be overly open and accommodating. And that is actually a form of love because you are not equipped to counsel people spiritually, nor to counsel them professionally. It is ok to refuse to be drawn into that type of circumstances. And it is appropriate to refuse it too. I mean if someone came to you with a hot appendix you certainly would not pull out a butcher knife to remove it for them. It's the same way with counseling or listening to their problems. It is not your call.

You aren't her pastor. You aren't her savior. If she starts telling you her problems, then tell her that you are not her pastor, and cannot help her. "I'm sorry. I realize you are hurting, but I'm not your pastor, so I just cannot counsel you. You need to talk to your pastor." Refuse to listen to her. Be firm. Hang up. Just be polite about it, but be firm. It is ok, and even appropriate, to say no.

[Cliff]

Honestly the woman sounds mentally unstable. My advice - be careful but get away from her. If you try to humor her she sounds like the kind of person who will try to control your life, make you answer for why you didn't answer the phone, can't see her today, etc. Hopefully she will latch onto someone else pretty quickly when you become unavailable. People like that are scary, you just can't predict what they will do.

[Classof66]

I explain that I "kinda like to keep to myself" I was an only child and I live a rather solitary life. I like people, just in small doses. (if I thought she was a runner, I'd be more direct, I don't like home wreckers etc.)

[chewie]

I feel for you here, I coulda wrote your post a few times! I think those who suggest a kind 'not today' are spot on. you're not saying no way ever, just busy now. and I can see why you would find reason to avoid her--you may not be doing same as her, but what's that old saying about 'the company you keep'?? don't need that!

I am often busy, and also relate deeply to what classof66 said. and it always surprises me when I do an art show or something, I will ALWAYS get some woman going nuts of 'how do you find the time???' and its always the one who never shuts up and can't seem to be alone for a second! you can hear them walking away making plans for the next day, week, month, etc...

I go on paint outs, and once in a while I'd get some woman who wants to ride with me. nope, I don't do that, its MY time and I honor it. so I jsut tell them, 'oh gosh, I'm such a chatterbox (which is true at times!) I'd not be comfortable having a rider, I'd take up too much time!' then suggest to meet up at such-n-such later, where we are all getting together for a late supper. says ok, but later and on my terms.

had a woman years ago that when she couldn't get me on the phone (I do screen) she's show up!! argh! so I learned that screening doesn't do the trick all the time!~ had to pull up my big girl panties and say not today, sorry. then I'd suggest meeting somewhere in town (away from my house where she'd stay for hourssssss....) at a time that worked for me. she eventually stopped calling which was best, she was very 'coarse' and rude type. the other one I mentioned is still friendly, and I think even better than if i'd given in each time, as the boundaries are set, but kind. always kind.

[hintonlady]

Originally Posted by cathleenc

Those things would have my 'danger, warning' light going a mile-a-minute!

Originally Posted by Cliff

Honestly the woman sounds mentally unstable. My advice - be careful but get away from her. If you try to humor her she sounds like the kind of person who will try to control your life, make you answer for why you didn't answer the phone, can't see her today, etc.

These two things pretty much mirror my main concern. Even though I find her lifestyle unsavory I was more concerned about her approach. I guess it's just hard to express a situation and feeling in a forum sometimes.

I had pretty much every indication that a polite "no thanks" or I'm busy" wasn't going to disuade her. She's just needy and pushy in a way that concerns me. I would have prefered to handle it in a way where I could just express my own boundaries in a normal/healthy/functional way. She just doesn't seem the type to "get it".

Since I am a generally private person who strictly controls trust I have been careful to keep a wide barrier of privacy between her and my personal life. Basically, I held back enough that she cannot "get at" me should she become a problem.

I did go ahead and communicate what I needed to her via email which was where most of our interaction had been. I didn't want to get involved in a face to face drama filled disaster. Maybe the cowards way out but I did come forward...

I was very brief (totally unlike me) very polite and left no room for an opening. I basically explained how important honesty is to me and that her deceit to her husband leads me to believe I could not trust her.

I really have to be more careful who I talk to. I seem to attract the "interesting" ones because I am friendly to everyone. Lonely people who have "issues" latch on to glimmers of kindness. So sad really but I have my own problems to sort out.

[Laura Zone 5]

Originally Posted by hintonlady

I have an aquaintance who has much more interest in becoming friends than I do. There are reasons though. Although we have some things in common I find some things about this person uncomfortable.

She is unhappily married, which is NOT a crime. However, she does stray from her husband. That bothers me on a few levels. I'm not trying to judge, to each their own. I just hate the idea of being brought into someones drama and I don't need dishonest friends.

1 Corinthians 15:33
Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”

She seems very needy and emotionally high maintenance. I can empathize that she is lonely but I doubt I can provide what she needs and stay sane in the meantime.

She seems shifty in the sense that her likes/behavior can be flexible to meet my likes. As in, I'm not really sure who she is because she is trying too hard. She is full of flattery to the point that it becomes uncomfortable and almost insincere. It just reeks of desperation.

She is empty, and looking for something to fill the void.

I feel sorry for her, I truly do. I do not want to hurt her feelings. I want to part ways with her with as much kindness and gentleness as possible. I would try to be friendly but I'm afraid she is showing signs of latching on and taking things a bit too far. A little bit of kindness on my part as been read into waaay too much.

Honestly, I may be overanalyzing all of this. I'm pretty reclusive, enjoy my own company and am not lonely for new people. If I were to add someone to my world I would want/need for them to be as independant and as self winding as I am. I don't have the desire or energy to HAVE to chat/text/email at least a couple to a few times a day.

This will be a draining relationship. Her needs are huge, and your time is restrained. She needs SO MUCH......she is empty on the inside.

My ideal is a call a couple times a week when something worth talking about actually happens. Hang out a couple times a week as time permits for a playdate with kids at the park, a movie, shopping or a family bbq. Plus some random texts here and there to share a joke or something. Of course this is flexible...just an idea of my needs and what I can reasonably provide in return.

Is that lazy or normal? I will accept CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.

Your life is busy / full, and you don't have time to be a counselor. Nothing wrong with that.

The lady I am concerned about seems to need constant contact and feedback, gets worried if I miss a day. It just feels strange to me. I'm in a situation where she likes me much more than I like her. I could maybe grow to like her but not without scarificing my own happiness and needs.

How do I handle this like a grown up?

Honesty. You have kids, garden, etc. Just let her know you mean no offense but you do not have the abundance of spare time to text/email/chat on the phone.

I hate to lie so making up creative excuses isn't too appealing.

You said yourself: I don't need dishonest friends.
Don't be one. Just tell her the truth. Via email if it's too uncomfortable via face to face.

If I MUST make an excuse (starting a new job or??) to spare her feelings I guess I will, it still bothers me though. Seems sleazy.

Don't make an excuse. Honesty is the best way.

Brutal honesty about why I am not interested seems unusually cruel.

What would you do?

What *I* would do is join a ladies Bible Study with her.
She has deep needs that no human (IMHO) can meet.
Things are a mess in her life, and I fear she will bring that chaos into anyone's life who spends time with her.

[Laura Zone 5]

Originally Posted by Cliff

Honestly the woman sounds mentally unstable. My advice - be careful but get away from her. If you try to humor her she sounds like the kind of person who will try to control your life, make you answer for why you didn't answer the phone, can't see her today, etc. Hopefully she will latch onto someone else pretty quickly when you become unavailable. People like that are scary, you just can't predict what they will do.

I have 'been' this woman (to an extent) in the past.
I wasn't mentally unstable, just empty, alone, and hurting.
Trying to find something ANYTHING to fill the void and ease the pain.
Looking back I can see how toxic I was.

I have more sympathy for folks like this, but also know that clear distinct boundaries are needed.
Folks like that need love.....but you cannot let them control you!!

[uncle Will in In.]

Tell her husband she is sneaking around, and let her know you told him. You will no longer be on her best buddy list.

My friend went with a girl who quickly became overly clingy. He complained about her, and I asked him why he didn't just tell her good-bye?
He said, "It's hard to say good-bye when she has her tongue in my mouth!"

[Saffron]

I seem to attract these types as well - without even attempting to do so.

I think you have handled it in a way that is comfortable for you and perfectly fine. You may find that she doesn't get it the first time though.

Two nice ways to do this - avoid phone calls except when you want to talk. Respond when you are willing to put the time into it and just say that you have been busy when asked. Eventually, she will get the picture.
or
Be direct and to the point and explain why you want to step back or part ways. Most times this will need a second visit as the person will back off for a few days and then return.

You chose #2 - best of luck in your future (non) dealings with her.

[Tracy Rimmer]

Run, do not walk, RUN in the opposite direction. This person sounds like an emotional vampire -- they latch on to people and suck them dry. They prey on those who are too polite, or too nice, to tell them to take a hike.

I seem to attract these types like flies to honey, and let me tell you, in the long run, telling someone to leave you alone is a LOT less uncomfortable than what they will put you through over the course of the "friendship".

Think of it this way: friendship is a two-way street, where both parties get something they need from the relationship. If someone is determined to get what THEY need, at the cost of YOUR needs, what do you call that?

Run. Fast.

[hintonlady]

Originally Posted by Tracy Rimmer

This person sounds like an emotional vampire

You took what I was feeling and trying to say and condensed it very eloquently.

Originally Posted by Laura Zone 5

What *I* would do is join a ladies Bible Study with her.
She has deep needs that no human (IMHO) can meet.
Things are a mess in her life, and I fear she will bring that chaos into anyone's life who spends time with her.

Exactly. I would have liked to suggest something like this for her. First off, I don't think I have the emotional and mental energy to usher someone along, IYKWIM. It takes all I have to just try to make myself a better person. I'm NOT at the wise sage place in life where I can try to lead. I'm still getting un-lost myself. (does that even make sense?) Blind leading the blind...lol

Secondly, I did try to gently suggest that her marriage had a lot of potential that she may not have harnessed yet. She justifies her affairs and blames her husband for her cheating. According to her she has "needs" that he does not provide for her in the *ahem* bedroom because he is ultra religious and not as attentive/adventurous as she wants.

Hard to "sell" bible study to a person this lost.

I sincerely wish I could have helped her but my life is finally at a stage of peace. Maybe it's selfish but I don't want to risk my blessings. I was afraid to invite evil into my home.

Something I am going to spend a lot of time thinking about. I want to walk away from this with a positive lesson instead of an awkward feeling.

[michelleIL]

I have been a needy person too! I was very lonely and bored! I had been single for fifteen years before Wally! I'm pretty well set since I have him in my life! Don't need much social any longer! Wouldn't know what to do without him! I understood when people made hints to be left alone!

[Cliff]

Hon you can't save/help everyone, and you sure can't save some people from themselves. You have to do what you have to do for your own emotional sanity and the security of your family.