Who will care for you when you're old?

Jokarva · #1 01/25/12, 04:10 PM

I had this whole thing typed up, then it disappeared somewhere

so excuse me if it pops up elsewhere...

Some threads here recently have me wondering what people plan to do when they start needing care...esp important for those of us who live in the boonies and have no kids and small/spread out families.

Do you have a plan? Will your kids step up (if they are able), and how much would you expect them to sacrifice to care for you? Will you move into some sort of assisted living as soon as you start having difficulties...or have to be dragged there kicking and screaming? Will you hire help? Just trust in the Lord to take care of you (and I do not mean that disrespectfully as that's the only plan some are willing to make)?

MIL's first words (literally) when she heard we didn't plan to have kids were... "who's going to take care of you when you're old?" I told her we'd take care of ourselves...we hope. But having kids also guarantees nothing, too many of my friends kids can't even take care of themselves. MIL moved in with DH's sister when she was widowed and the tension in that house can be cut with a knife...no one is happy, so that didn't work out so well either.

Our plans so far include assisted living...or building a caretakers cottage and hiring someone...or maybe a robot for the heavy work and a service monkey for the fine motor stuff. My friends think I'm kidding...but I think it could work!

Nette · #2 01/25/12, 04:16 PM

A well-funded long term care insurance policy is included in our plans, but if you don't have kids, that still begs the question--Who is going to oversee our long term care needs and ensure that the insurer pays? You still have to have someone on your side to see after things. I'll be watching this thread with interest...

olivehill · #3 01/25/12, 04:23 PM

Honestly, I'd rather die than need to be taken care of. If that is at within my grasp I have every intention of making it happen. If, heaven forbid, something should unexpected should happen to me leaving me unable to care for myself my husband has strict instructions to pull the plug, do not seek extreme medical interventions, do not spend millions on pharma. Put me down.

Someone dear to us is taking care of both of her parents right now and I see the stress its causing her. She would never not do it, but that's not something I want for my kids.

Fortunately, I guess... depending on how you look at it... longevity is not a genetic strong suit in my family. Our kin seems to die old enough to have lived a full life, but young enough to not need a lot of care taking in their old age and that's a-okay with me.

elevenpoint · #4 01/25/12, 04:25 PM

There will be no long term ''care'', I will not live out the last of my life in a ''rest home'' peeing on myself...that is existing and I have no interest in that. When the time comes I will go on a one way hunting trip..or if something happens beyond my control and I can't make a decision.....I have a friend with a pharmacy background who can aquire the proper rig to fade away peacefully.

JuliaAnn · #5 01/25/12, 04:25 PM

I think many people will simply die in their homes, as my dh's aunt did. Someone went to check on her and found her dead on the floor, had been there a few days.

blynn · #6 01/25/12, 04:30 PM

It's a good question and one I need to think about, thanks for posting. We don't have kids and don't know if we're going to or not. I have a Roth IRA and husband has a retirement plan that he puts money into... but who knows if it'll be enough?

#7 01/25/12, 04:34 PM

When the time comes to go, it's time to go. What are you guys so afraid of?? Nobody ever "got sent back" for not doing it right. Relax. Dying is part of the whole story. Live now, and when it's over, you won't have any regrets.

piglady · #8 01/25/12, 04:37 PM

We do have a son and I would trust him to handle the assets etc. but I would never expect him to do the physical care for us. DH is already disabled and I am his caregiver but our son feels responsible. We both have decided that we do not want to go in a home. When the time comes we want to stop taking our meds and stay at home until it is over. The worst thing that could happen is we end up losing our farm to pay for nursing.

Yvonne's hubby · #9 01/25/12, 04:52 PM

I prefer to live in my home... and to die here eventually. My Yvonne is perfectly capable of taking care of me if needed but I refuse to let that sort of thing go on very long. As others have mentioned... lying around peeing myself, unable to feed myself with no reasonable hope of recovery is not living, I consider forcing anyone to continue to breath under those conditions as downright cruel... if not torture.

Jokarva · #10 01/25/12, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zong

When the time comes to go, it's time to go. What are you guys so afraid of?? Nobody ever "got sent back" for not doing it right. Relax. Dying is part of the whole story. Live now, and when it's over, you won't have any regrets.

If we could all be assured we would just drop dead when our time comes then no one would need much of a plan. Unfortunately that rarely happens...

Yvonne's hubby · #11 01/25/12, 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jokarva

If we could all be assured we would just drop dead when our time comes then no one would need much of a plan. Unfortunately that rarely happens...

Thats true... sometimes it takes a while, and even longer when busybody meddlers begin intervening in the natural course of events. Count on it though... once a human body stops taking in fluids... it has a few days, usually a week at most... less in hot, dry climates.

emdeengee · #12 01/25/12, 05:06 PM

You can and should never depend on anyone and in many cases to do so is unfair and an imposition. Many planned on their children being their support in old age. We have never believed in this. A child is not born with a job. And of course many have children who do not participate much in their parent's lives after they have grown up.

We will live in our own home for as long as we can.

Age and illness are both inevitable. I don't intend to be a burden to anyone. Unfortunately if one plans to end life with dignity it usually has to be sooner rather than later. One has to be careful to time it so that you can still do it. This usually means you have to go a lot sooner than needed. That is one reason I support human euthanasia. If I was granted the right to die by law then I would be able to give my instructions legally and do it at the right time.

I am not afraid but I do worry about leaving my husband behind.

Alice In TX/MO · #13 01/25/12, 05:12 PM

Unfair? Imposition? You have got to be kidding. This is the natural cycle of life. It's only in the past fifty years or so that we have decided to shuffle our elderly out of the home and pay for long term care or let the government pay for it.

oldmanriver · #14 01/25/12, 05:24 PM

Lmao ha ha ha yep the kids will yea lol

JuliaAnn · #15 01/25/12, 05:45 PM

Quote "Count on it though... once a human body stops taking in fluids... it has a few days, usually a week at most... less in hot, dry climates."

It took 12 days for my grandfather to pass once fluids were withheld. 12. days. Fortunately he had morphine under the tonge every few hours and was kept unconscious until he passed away. That's the fortunate way to go.

Alice In TX/MO · #16 01/25/12, 06:01 PM

Zong, I understand what you are saying, but you've obviously never had an elderly relative in your family. It doesn't work that way most of the time.

Yes, my father terminated himself in the back yard, but my grandmother lingered bedridden for six years.

Mom lingered four months after her stroke.

You don't always get the chance to self terminate.

julieq · #17 01/25/12, 06:17 PM

I worked in a nursing home as my first full time job, as receptionist. Ugh! No way I want to end up like that.

We have four daughters and as soon as the youngest marries and moves, three of them will live out of state. So I guess the daughter here locally with get the task of helping us out. But, we hope and pray to just keep active. DH's Dad is 85 and still works part time teaching medicine. My great grandfather lived to 103 and was very active and spent very little time in a nursing home towards the end of his life.

#18 01/25/12, 06:18 PM

Lot of elderly relatives, lot of death. I'm kinda old myself, you know.

Sonshine · #19 01/25/12, 06:53 PM

I really don't know how to answer this. I wouldn't commit suicide for religious reasons. I won't go to an assisted living facility. I plan on dying in my home when my time comes. My DH is 8 yrs younger than I am and is already having to take care of me to a certain degree. We also have some wonderful neighbors that I believe would help if it was needed, the same way we're presently working together to help an elderly couple right now. I guess I believe in what goes around comes around. I try to help my neighbors as much as I can now while I'm able. We are already working together in many ways, such as when it's time to butcher chickens or bring in the harvest, several of us work together to help each other. Of course, I may be a bit Polyanna like in my thinking though.

HermitJohn · #20 01/25/12, 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alice In TX/MO

Unfair? Imposition? You have got to be kidding. This is the natural cycle of life. It's only in the past fifty years or so that we have decided to shuffle our elderly out of the home and pay for long term care or let the government pay for it.

And how many years has it been since families spread out all over the world for work, and both males and females are expected to have full time work outside the home. There is NOBODY left home to look after an elderly relative.

And as on the other thread, looking after a cooperative elderly person with fully functional brain is quite different than looking after an extreme violent person out of their mind. The authorities tend to frown on you tieing up your crazy violent elderly person or locking them in the attic..... though they tend to do exactly that, they just have professionals with diplomas on wall and nicer descriptions....

Assuming every family has children or 24/7 unlimited vacation time to caretake another human being is crazy in this world. Just cause there is an elderly person needing 24/7 care doesnt mean the necessity of earning money and paying rent/mortgage/bills magically goes away. 100 years ago when most people had large family groups and lived a rural farm/homesteader lifestyle, looking after elderly was lot more practical. Now EVERYTHING REQUIRES MONEY. Its not the Waltons on Walton Mountain anymore. You dont eat, you dont sleep, you dont live without money, unless you are some homeless person living under a bridge and eating out of dumpsters. Most homeless people arent in a place to look after an elderly relative with demensia either....

And people arent just talking hospice care, the final days so to speak. Perfectly healthy elderly simply cant care for themselves anymore. Should they be expected commit suicide? Or do the fiscally responsible want to establish "death panels" to decide who lives and dies. Oops, gotta kill ole Bill, he aint got enough money to live anymore....