volatile sister still at it :(

[Use Less]

If you read my post of some weeks ago, you might recall that one of my sisters is very difficult much of the time. It's really all about her... Blows up at anyone & everyone when she doesn't get what she wants when she wants it, and thinks she should be/wants to"be in charge". Our elderly Dad came through his latest hospitalization OK, & is feeling pretty good. Turns out that she's been going to Dad's house every day & doing things he was managing on his own, like organizing his meds. Who knew?? On the one hand, it's good he gets company. On the other, I'm afraid she is pushing him into dependency he doesn't need yet. She has just taken to "doing stuff", plus makes his appointments and pushing her ideas w/o keeping the rest of the 5 in the loop. My brother puts it that her heart is good, but her thinking process is not to be trusted. He & I are close enough to take a share in getting Dad to appts., and we both think someone else needs to listen at the more-crucial ones if she is driving/attending. It's gotten so the other 4 of us e-mail each other and leave her out. Or e-mail the group but send her a censored version. Even so she "gets mad" at this or that. I found out accidently Dad has an appt. today w/cancer doctor, reorganized things so I can get there & e-mailed that I'd be coming, too, and had some questions. She e-mailed sister no.2 asking if that (simple) statement of fact sounded "secretive." Well, yep: keeping secrets, like how much we are worried and bothered by her. But. At this point I'm seriously considering seeing a counselor myself for strategies for dealing with her and Dad (who is exhausting enough all by himself). Affecting my peace of mind, sleep & adding to anxieties Sue

[hintonlady]

I would venture to guess that unless your Father is willing/able to speak up very little will change.

Have you guys considered calling a family meeting where everyone can speak their piece and Dad can feel comfortable speaking his? Not sure how hard it would be to find a mediator rather than a counselor.

Honesty is the best policy, skirting the issues won't solve a thing. In fact, being polite for the sake of avoiding uncomfortable situations will only build up tension.

[mamita]

I adore my sister, but acknowledge that she is a controlling sort of person. when it came time to attend to our mom, she became somewhat as you describe. I figured it was a need she had, no harm done if mom's needs were being met. I mean..who cares at this point if there is dependency? sounds like a simple family meeting to talk it all out. otherwise, only speaking from my own experience here......let her do for him whats she wants. my sister needed to take over, and I got that. maybe I didn't always want it that way, but I understood it for her. in the end, as long as your Dad is being taken care of by all of you in each your own way....not a battle worth fighting over.

[Jokarva]

Good luck with this...DH's sister decided she needed to move their mother in and 'take care of her' after their dad died. Mom was perfectly capable of taking care of herself...but now she's been turned into a dependent, fretful old woman.

I think it's more about the caregiver's 'need' to feel needed than anything else, and that's tough to overcome. Agree that as long as you're all keeping watch and making sure he's taken care of, it may be the best you can do.

[fordy]

Originally Posted by Use Less

If you read my post of some weeks ago, you might recall that one of my sisters is very difficult much of the time. It's really all about her... Blows up at anyone & everyone when she doesn't get what she wants when she wants it, and thinks she should be/wants to"be in charge". Our elderly Dad came through his latest hospitalization OK, & is feeling pretty good. Turns out that she's been going to Dad's house every day & doing things he was managing on his own, like organizing his meds. Who knew?? On the one hand, it's good he gets company. On the other, I'm afraid she is pushing him into dependency he doesn't need yet. She has just taken to "doing stuff", plus makes his appointments and pushing her ideas w/o keeping the rest of the 5 in the loop. My brother puts it that her heart is good, but her thinking process is not to be trusted. He & I are close enough to take a share in getting Dad to appts., and we both think someone else needs to listen at the more-crucial ones if she is driving/attending. It's gotten so the other 4 of us e-mail each other and leave her out. Or e-mail the group but send her a censored version. Even so she "gets mad" at this or that. I found out accidently Dad has an appt. today w/cancer doctor, reorganized things so I can get there & e-mailed that I'd be coming, too, and had some questions. She e-mailed sister no.2 asking if that (simple) statement of fact sounded "secretive." Well, yep: keeping secrets, like how much we are worried and bothered by her. But. At this point I'm seriously considering seeing a counselor myself for strategies for dealing with her and Dad (who is exhausting enough all by himself). Affecting my peace of mind, sleep & adding to anxieties Sue

........................Who is the executor of his Estate ? , fordy