When you were raising a large family...

Lada · #1 10/09/11, 04:39 PM

How much money did you spend on just yourself - hobbies, etc?

Or, if you grew up in a large family, how much do you think your parents spent on themselves?

Actually, scratch the "large family" part, as I think this could apply regardless of the number of children you have.

My dh and I have always disagreed on this. Right now he is cross with me that he won't have the money to go on a 4-wheeling trip later this month. He had $400 saved, and got another $600 from his dad's life insurance policy. I thought that was the money he planned on using for his trip, and haven't been setting any back from the family account that the bills, etc. come out of. But I guess he decided to take the bed off his truck and replace it with a flat bed, so there went the $600 plus some.

I am being blamed because I "blow money" on the kids. The kids are active, and it does cost a lot to raise a family these days. I don't spend money on myself, but the animals are "mine" so I'm sure he counts that as my hobby. And, they are expensive. But the way I see it, they provide food for our family that we know is healthy and nutritious. However, I will not say that I don't enjoy taking care of them. I guess I see them as a hobby with benefits.

Growing up, there were four of us. My parents drove cars until they fell apart, or one of us kids wrecked them.

They didn't have hobbies. They HAD hobbies pre-kids, but my only memory is occasionally stumbling over the golf clubs and horse tack gathering dust in the garage. The money went to the bills, and it went to us. We weren't wealthy, and I know they struggled, but we did stuff, and we always had fun.

Part of me just wants to set him down and tell him to GROW UP! You are an adult with four children. Your money is supposed to go to the kids, not stupid trips that only benefit yourself. I want him to be able to enjoy himself, but I don't see why a $400 couldn't suffice. Why the bed that was already ON THE TRUCK couldn't suffice....

Sigh. Thanks for listening if you've gotten this far. I try not to whine. I try to see the positive in every situation, but he is really on my nerves with this entitlement attitude. I know he works hard and he does deserve to have fun. I just wish he didn't think that his fun should come before the kids' fun...

Pam6 · #2 10/09/11, 04:45 PM

His fun before the kid's fun?? Where is the balance? All family members should be able to have fun.
Personally, I think $400 for a 4-wheeler trip is plenty.

Callieslamb · #3 10/09/11, 04:49 PM

When the kids were home how much I spent on myself depended on the budget for that month. Often, it was nothing. I developed the art of cheap hobbies. sometimes we had plenty of money for me to buy fabric for sewing something or decorating the house.

Now we budget $100 a month for me to do as I please. BUT...we are in a way different situation than we used to be.

You and your DH need to sit down and have a talk. Sounds like you just didn't communicate your expectations well.

Lada · #4 10/09/11, 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pam6

His fun before the kid's fun?? Where is the balance? All family members should be able to have fun.
Personally, I think $400 for a 4-wheeler trip is plenty.

I think we should all be able to do things we enjoy, but within reason. The kids are kids...I guess I put their "fun" ahead of my own. I'd rather spend money on tee ball and dance class than going on a trip, or even, on my animals.

I just sometimes feel like he thinks things shouldn't have changed for him when he got married and had a handful of children. I think you just can't "play" like you did pre-kids.

mozarkian · #5 10/09/11, 04:55 PM

Our two sons are grown and gone from our house, and my husband often remarks that he misses them and wishes he had spent more time with them when they were little. He had friends back then that were single and always going fourwheeling, to mud runs, hunting, or just working on one of thier trucks. This kept him gone several evenings a week and caused stress in our family. We got through it alright, but he sure has regrets now. Your husband is missing out on more than he knows.

oregon woodsmok · #6 10/09/11, 04:58 PM

So he doesn't have enough money to pay for all the fun he wants? I suggest he either get a better job or take a second job. Then he can have some extra money for fun and games.

Unfortunately, being a grown-up involves meeting your responsibilities before you get to go out and play.

As for your animals: how close do they come to paying their own way? How much of the family budget goes to caring for them? Because I can't see why you should have expensive hobbies and your husband not be allowed.

My livestock is paid for out of my grocery budget. My grocery dollars go into the garden and animals and then we eat them. If they cost huge amounts to keep them, with no return, and my family budget was tight, I'd cut way back on them.

If they return a reasonable amount of food for what you spend on them, if you got rid of them and didn't save any money because it all went to the grocery store, then carry on and I would not count them as being a hobby.

What was the flatbed for? Was it something that will help him at work? Be useful for hauling feed for your goats? I can see how a flatbed might be justifiable.

Lada · #7 10/09/11, 04:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mozarkian

Our two sons are grown and gone from our house, and my husband often remarks that he misses them and wishes he had spent more time with them when they were little. He had friends back then that were single and always going fourwheeling, to mud runs, hunting, or just working on one of thier trucks. This kept him gone several evenings a week and caused stress in our family. We got through it alright, but he sure has regrets now. Your husband is missing out on more than he knows.

Yep, I agree. He does do with our children. He goes to their ballgames, he plays with them, takes them places, etc. But, he has friends who don't have kids and ALL their money goes to their trucks, jeeps, beer, etc. It's hard to keep up with that. I wish he had more friends with young kids who are at the same stage of life as he is.

mabeane · #8 10/09/11, 05:05 PM

We had a large family I never spent money on myself. We raised a family to make their own fun and we worked hard to pay the bills. I felt that sometimes the kids were deprived but when they talk of their childhoods they always say it was a wonderful way to grow up.

MO_cows · #9 10/09/11, 05:07 PM

Sounds like a communication breakdown.

I see nothing wrong with a guy who works had to provide for his family having a little getaway with the guys, as long as it doesn't deprive the family to do it. As long as it's not like, Sorry, Timmy, no braces for you because Daddy is going hunting polar bear in Alaska, ya know? Same goes for the hardworking Mom who does so much for everybody else, she deserves to get away and refresh and recharge if she needs it, too.

Can the truck bed that was removed be sold to make up the difference? Can the trip still be taken on a lower budget?

The lesson to be learned is to talk to each other and ask questions even if you think you know the answer. (When the new truck bed appeared, the first words out of my mouth would have been, where did that money come from?)

wanda1950 · #10 10/09/11, 05:14 PM

Children's needs come first in my opinion. If there's anything left over, then the parents can indulge themselves.

Not meaning to be sexist but it seems that there are too many men who want to play themselves & don't stand up to their responsibilities.

My husband is a very responsible man in most ways, & he works hard, but still he has to have his "toys"--I'm not sure he'd sell his boat unless we were actually hungry. Plus he considers any "extra" money he comes by to be his alone. I end up spending the money his mom gives me for my birthday on milk & bread.

sewsilly · #11 10/09/11, 05:47 PM

We've raised 3 kids. And with them at 18,22 and 26, the sacrifice of parent for the children is still underway. I dont' regret any of the choices that I made, having them, or staying home with them.

To your question. When they were small, my husband did go on fishing/shrimping trips with friends. While the trips netted us fish/shrimp with enough to freeze, I resented the fact that he would simply announce a trip, take the funds for it 'off the top' of a paycheck and be gone a 4 day weekend. In many of the growing up years, this happened every other month or two. I was 'left' with the kids, the work, the farm and the care of the elderly relatives, some of whom were HIS.

Fast forward a little... the kids got big enough to be in band... and I became a permanent fixture at band. It took me, and money, and time away from home on weekends, which meant that HE had to 'man' things on the home front.

There was a little bit of 'fussy' negotiation on both sides through all of this.
When he was tempted to 'fuss' about band trips/expense/time gone or his having to manage younger children/animals/everything, I'd simply point out that I'd done it alone when the children were younger, the old folks were still around and now it was his turn.

I couldn't tell you what he spent, or what I've spent. It's probably about evened out.
For me, the big deal was that my 'stuff' has been WITH the children... and the kids have really appreciated my efforts with and for them.

You have to communicate, clearly and effectively about the money issues. We had an amount that was set that we did not have to 'ask' or confer with the other on... more than that amount and we talked about it. The amount went up when I went back to work, but we still talk about the big things.

You have to walk a fine line to determine if you're miffed over the money issue, or the notion that he can do 'as he pleases', leaving you to work... for me, it was NOT about the money... it was ALL about the expectation that as an at home mom, I didn't get the 'options' that he got when the kids were small. It was a matter of respect. After some years of negotiation and communication, we DO have a different respect now. I wish I'd known now to get to THIS place, when the children were younger and I was frustrated!

dawn

rootsandwings · #12 10/09/11, 06:40 PM

how was he raised?

My Mom's father always put his children first and his grandchildren first when they came along. He felt like we should get to have a lot of fun and explore a lot of opportunities. My Mom felt the same way - needs before wants, but always us first, so it was take care of our needs, take care of her needs, take care of our wants, and then generally the money was gone, so most of her wants (and I think some of her needs because she would decide she didn't need things she should have had to give us wants) came as birthday or Christmas gifts from her parents.

My Dad's father had to work hard as a kid and he felt that his money was his money. He had an obligation to feed, clothe and educate my father and the right to pick out the food, clothes, and education. Anything else was a gift and he may or may not give it - my dad got a job as young as possible to pay for books and toys beyond what he got for Christmas or birthday. His big standout gifts were a bike and a fishing pole and tackle (different years) which is ok, except his parents could have afforded a lot more. my dad also earned money for little league costs because my grandfather wouldn't pay them.

So when he became an adult - he felt it was his turn.

but he thought my mom should share equally, and she wanted to spend her part on us, and I think it took a while to work out.

painterswife · #13 10/09/11, 06:51 PM

Kids needs come first, but you are talking about entertainment funds here. He deserves to have fun as well. The problem here is you have not decided together what the funds should be spent on.

Lada · #14 10/09/11, 06:52 PM

Those are good questions, Dawn and I think it's a little of both. And a LOT of the point that you mentioned where "my" stuff is kid stuff and his stuff is his stuff. He thinks that because I spend money going on band trips, or on recital costumes, or on soccer fees, that he therefore deserves to spend money on himself. And I'm not denying that he does, I just don't think that the money that I spend on the kids should count as money that I spent...even if I am the one writing the check.

Maybe he would have the kids do less? I have asked him pointedly which activity they should give up, and he skirts around and mumbles and never really answers me. I think he does enjoy seeing them do things (even though it does cost money) but he doesn't like that their doing things affects his ability to do things.

And really, yes, the just up and leaving thing is irritating. That means that I get to do soccer Saturday and football Friday night and church, and whatever else, on top of the farm and house chores all by myself.

Lada · #15 10/09/11, 06:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by painterswife

Kids needs come first, but you are talking about entertainment funds here. He deserves to have fun as well. The problem here is you have not decided together what the funds should be spent on.

I think that's a good point. I think something that would help would be to set aside a certain amount of money (and it wouldn't have to be a lot, but even $15 a piece) to come out each week and go to each of us for our own, personal, it's none of your darn business what I spend this on, fund. I know his would be saved and spent on whatever he wants. I also know that mine would most likely be saved to a certain extent and then spent on the kids.

but that is my decision and if I choose to spend it on them, then I can't blame him for spending his on frivolous nonsense.

Lada · #16 10/09/11, 07:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rootsandwings

how was he raised?

I think he was raised fairly poorly, but I have talked with his mom before and she didn't (doesn't) think they were that bad off.

I do know that he didn't do stuff. It wasn't money necessarily that his parents didn't want to invest, but time. So I think he thinks that all the running that our kids do is needless. But, I was raised doing things -sports, scouts, 4H, etc. And I want that for my kids because of all the great experiences those activities afforded me. And if you talk to him when he's rational, he'd say that he wanted them doing things too. If you talk to him now, he'll tell you it's way too much and that HE wants to be able to "enjoy life" rather than spending all that money on the kids.

ejagno · #17 10/09/11, 07:04 PM

Who spends it, where, and who does without isn't the issue here. It's communication. I know all too well how hard it is to find/make time for one another to just talk about these things from time to time to make sure that you are on the same page but the end result is this when you don't. Been there, done that and it wasn't fun.

Melissa · #18 10/09/11, 07:49 PM

Maybe make a budget allocating a certain amount for kid's activities and to each parent for fun activities? We always allowed the kids to participate in almost anything they wanted. Brady did more sports, the girls only played basketball at the community center on the fun teams, not school teams. They were all in 4-H and went to camp each year, and they all did any school activity they wanted. They all took piano lessons. Most of this did not cost much.

Cale's hobbies are a little more expensive, he has horses and he likes to hunt. He has a 4-wheeler also. I like to read, garden and make quilts. I do these as cheaply as possible.

TheMartianChick · #19 10/09/11, 07:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lada

I wish he had more friends with young kids who are at the same stage of life as he is.

Sometimes people don't realize that it is possible to outgrow your friends. HIs friends are in a different place than the one that he is in. In some ways, he is trying to keep up with the Jones' when the Jones' probably have more disposable income and tie because they don't have children. Has he met any friends in recent years that fit in better with his current station in life?

therunbunch · #20 10/09/11, 07:55 PM

Um.. was the new bed a necessity? DH and I basically spend zero extra dollars on ourselves or our hobbies.. our kids ARE our hobby.

We spend majority of our money on necessities.. food, clothes, etc. We focus on a lot of family activities that actually don't end up costing much. We're more outdoorsy types so we love walks and hikes and fishing and stuff like that.

I think that you both will have to sit down and work out the finances though because that's one of the most argued about things in a marriage. Set some boundaries. If you both need personal money for fun things for yourself.. set a limit that you both agree on.

One of the biggest parenting lessons is realizing that when you have kids.. your kids NEED TO COME FIRST AT ALL TIMES. Not saying that parents don't need to have their own break and fun from time to time.. but being jealous of the money/fun the kids have is just a childish statement to make.