follow up from "old enough to date" thread

[jlrbhjmnc]

Some advice entitled, "If I Had A Magic Wand."

I added bold on a few of the lessons learned that I thought were particularly universal - just my opinion, though. I thought the list had some relevance to dating and what young women may think they want:

If I Had A Magic Wand...

I'd go back in time and have a re-do of some of the mistakes I had made.

I would have been involved in sports [animals, crafts, skills, whatever interested me], instead of guys.

I would have made guys work for it, not given it away freely.

I would have gone to college, heck those four years flew by anyway but I have nothing to show for it.

When a guy said he loved me I would have watched his actions, rather than listen to his words.

If three or more people warned me a guy was not good for me, I would have listened. God has a way of getting our attention and usually it is through others (since he does not actually appear in the flesh to say WAKE UP - WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!!)

I would have thought of myself as precious china, saving myself for marriage and the right man as opposed to a throw away paper plate, which is how I was treated because I did not value myself enough.

I would have spent more time in the gym and less time on my back.

I would have spent more time outdoors rather than in a bar drinking.

I would have enjoyed being a child and stop trying so hard to be an adult before I actually was an adult (once innocence is gone, it's gone).

I would have stopped thinking my biological clock was ticking and I had to hurry up and get married.

I would have spent my time making sure I was the kind of woman who could attract an amazing honest, hardworking man, instead of marrying the one who was asking and in a hurry to get married. (There was a reason he was in a hurry, once I found out who he really was, I was already married with a baby.)

I would listen to the still small voice that would warn me when I was going in the wrong direction and then I would actually change directions.

I would have never talked on the telephone while my child was awake.

I would have never rushed my child to bed so I could relax and unwind.

I would have never dated after the divorce. I would have given 100% of me all the time to my child.

I would have never brought men into my home trying to re-create a family I thought my child needed.

When I felt lonely I would make a gratitude list, call a friend in need and be there for them, take a bath, read a book, hug my child again and again.

I would never take out the stress of the day or the fear of financial insecurity by yelling.

I would only build my child up, I would not yell or curse or punish. I'd just love and laugh and play.

I would not worry so much about what others think.

I'd answer every single "Mommy what's this", "Mommy what's that", "Mommy what's this", "Mommy how come this" asked of me. If I did not know the answer I'd make it an adventure to find the answer together.

Regret keeps me awake at night. You can never get a re-do. You can only pass along what you know for sure to be the wrong way to do it and hope and pray that others listen and avoid the pain if they can.

Beverlie

from http://www.drlaura.com/b/If-I-Had-A-...037514129.html

[wanda1950]

How sad that we usually have to learn this by experience. I would add that I would try to find a reliable mentor to help guide me through. Wanting to date & be popular with boys caused me to waste some of the most important years of my life.

[willow_girl]

I would have made guys work for it, not given it away freely.

I find it sad that she apparently regrets that she DIDN'T prostitute herself.

The only sex worth having is that which is freely given, IMO. :

[Grandmotherbear]

I read it that she would've made guys work for it by earning her respect and treating her well, even if it involved a little effort on their part. Not $$ at all.

[Immaculate Sublimity]

I find it sad that she lives with such regret... personally I treasure every experience I ever had, the bad as well as the good...each and every one - taught me something. I am who I am, because of the good choices as well as the not so good ones. I like me. I wouldn't change me for the world- and I wouldn't be THIS me... had I missed all those dances in my past.

[Ardie/WI]

Originally Posted by willow_girl

I find it sad that she apparently regrets that she DIDN'T prostitute herself.

The only sex worth having is that which is freely given, IMO. :

Oh willow, I just spit coffee!

About the Magic Want essay....well, I'd better no say anything.....

[Suzyq2u]

Wow, sounds like some issues to me!! Time to let go of the guilt, lol.
Can we say baggage?
As it's been mentioned, I wouldn't be the me I am without having the past I had.
Regret nothing, it makes us who we are -- and if you don't like that person,
let go of the guilt and learn from it!

[Nevada]

I recall an interview I saw with Buddy Ebsen, who played Jed Clampett on the Beverly Hillbillies. During the interview he spoke about when Donna Douglass (Elly May Clampett) was heartbroken by Elvis Presley and considered leaving the show. Evidently Douglass looked to Ebsen as a father figure, so she asked for advice. She asked if a man would really say the things Elvis said just to get a girl to go to bed when him. She claims that Elvis told her he loved her and wanted to marry her, but after they had sex he suddenly had no time for her.

Quite frankly, the thing that surprised me most was that she had to ask. The implication is clear, if a man makes fabulous promises to a young woman there is a good chance he'll be believed. Yes, of course men are willing to lie to get sex, just as sure as they're willing to lie to cover their tracks. If you don't accept that then your expectations can't be seated in reality. And don't give me any "oh, my boyfriend isn't like that" nonsense. If a girl doesn't expect to be lied to for sex then she's going to get burned emotionally. There are no exceptions to that rule.

[jen74145]

In all honesty, the author sounds like she needs therapy.

[Ardie/WI]

Originally Posted by jen74145

In all honesty, the author sounds like she needs therapy.

No kidding! There are major issues there! Oy vey!

[willow_girl]

The implication is clear, if a man makes fabulous promises to a young woman there is a good chance he'll be believed. Yes, of course men are willing to lie to get sex, just as sure as they're willing to lie to cover their tracks. If you don't accept that then your expectations can't be seated in reality.

I think the only good reason for having sex is because you'd really like to have sex with said person. There's no way you can go wrong in choosing to have sex if your only motivation is the sex itself.

If a woman chooses to trade sex for something -- either tangible goods or a promise -- she is prostituting herself and probably has little recourse if her client fails to pay up.

[Maura]

Originally Posted by willow_girl

I find it sad that she apparently regrets that she DIDN'T prostitute herself.

The only sex worth having is that which is freely given, IMO. :

I don't think that's the correct interpretation. From the rest of her essay, she was looking for love in all the wrong places (trousers) instead of waiting for a man to take his time, dating, dancing, being together as friends, before jumping in the sack.

As for the guilt, you have to look at yourself and your actions honestly before you can change.

[lonelyfarmgirl]

This is worth printing and handing over to teenage girls. I think I will give a copy to the youth group leader at church also.

[Ardie/WI]

Originally Posted by lonelyfarmgirl

This is worth printing and handing over to teenage girls. I think I will give a copy to the youth group leader at church also.

From my experience with teenagers, they had better have been taught all that long before they are teenagers.

It's called self respect.

[jen74145]

Originally Posted by Ardie/WI

From my experience with teenagers, they had better have been taught all that long before they are teenagers.

It's called self respect.

And, ah... woe to the church who hands such crude, shame-filled, martyring garbage to any of the young people I love.


Boundaries. Employ them, or they shall be employed upon you.

[Ardie/WI]

As I folded laundry, I thought about this essay.

I thought of what I would have done as a teenager if given this . I would have laughed. And, I can guarantee my three granddaughters would have too! My DD, as a teenager, well, I think that she would have thrown it in the garbage!

Jen, I agree with you. It would be degrading to a teenage girl.

Parents have the responsibility to show and teach their children self respect and integrity from day one. If it isn't, it's too late by the time they are teens.

[lonelyfarmgirl]

I think I would have laughed also, and asked my mom why should I care, but there are an enormous amount of girls out there that have never been taught that stuff..hence the enormous amount of teen pregnancies, teen abortions, teen runaways,, teen std's, etc...

[Nevada]

Originally Posted by willow_girl

If a woman chooses to trade sex for something -- either tangible goods or a promise -- she is prostituting herself and probably has little recourse if her client fails to pay up.

A lot of girls believe that's necessary. They've bought-in to the idea that if they want to marry a "quality" husband that they need to hold their virginity in high regard.

High school kids can notice those girls right off. I remember girls approaching me in high school, telling me that they heard I was going out with a certain girl that weekend. They would admonish me that they were surprised I would date "a girl like that". When I didn't respond subtle admonishment they would use stronger language, telling me that if I wanted to date a whore like her that they didn't really care. But obviously they DID care. In fact it seemed extremely important to them.

By calling my date a whore, those girls weren't really accusing her of being a prostitute in the strict sense. What they were accusing her of was having a sex life without strings. In other words she was giving it away for free. So why is giving it a way for free such a serious social offense, and why do some girls spend so much time and effort tracking that sort of thing?

The "why" has to do with their belief that their trump card in life is the equipment that God gives women. They believe that holding that prize back until the right time will land them that doctor husband they intend to seduce in the future. But there's a problem with that. A commodity is only valuable if it's in demand, or in this case scarce and difficult to obtain. So if you have girls giving it away for free it becomes less valuable, since guys can get it more easily. How will those girls seduce their doctor husbands if medical students can get it without strings? Clearly, that's going to make it a lot more difficult for those girls.

Their hope is to shame girls into NOT giving it away for free. In the case of admonishing me, their hope was to shame me into breaking the date, which would teach her that being "a girl like that" wasn't going to be pleasant.

Where they miscalculated was that I WANTED to date "a girl like that", for obvious reasons.

[willow_girl]

Well said, Nevada.

IMO, the problem doesn't lie in a girl selling herself too cheap. It's the fact that she's supposed to sell herself at all that bothers me!

[jlrbhjmnc]

Interesting discussion. The last 1/2 of the list is on parenting.