Dysfunctional VS functional family?

[piglady]

No matter how one is raised, you think that is the normal or right way until you get older and start to learn how others do things. I grew up in a totally dysfunctional home lead and taught by a toxic mother but I loved them and was very proud of them until I got old enough to realize how sick it all was. So, here’s my question, how do you define dysfunction vs. functional?

This is how I have come to see it. Dysfunctional (can be some or all of these) = abusive, addicted, disrespectful, dramatic, liars, mental illness, users, fake, manipulative, self-centered, gossips, trouble makers, cliquish, bully, loud, ----ty, critical, jealous, negative, compare/competitive, & just plain miserable.

Thank God I was rescued by my wonderful husband 37 years ago and was taught by his saintly mother there is a better way. Here is how I now describe functional = unconditional love, acceptance, self-respect as well as respect for others, calm and rational discussions, listen more than you talk, do for others when needed and ask for nothing in return, be genuine and honest, self-control, realize how your actions affect others, try to build others up, complement but only when real and deserved, take interest in what others care about, be happy for others at their accomplishments, and cry with them when they are hurt, be positive, encouraging, forgiving, loving, nurturing, involved, show no favoritism, and laugh a lot.

[Pony]

We all have our dysfunction and pathology. It's life in a fallen world.

My best definition of "functional" is where everyone does their best to support the others in the system, while maintaining healthy boundaries. Inter-dependence rather than over-dependence or complete independence.

It's funny (funny "odd" not funny "ha-ha"). When you grow up in a totally screwed up system, it's so hard when you try to learn what is and isn't functional (I don't use the word "normal" b/c there's no such thing). There are those times when you're sure that Functional People have it all together all the time, and then you start to realize that no one has it together ALL the time. It's a matter of doing it Well Enough.

(I used to read etiquette books from cover to cover, just so I would know how to act properly...)

[willow_girl]

I think those are good definitions.

[Ardie/WI]

Originally Posted by Pony

We all have our dysfunction and pathology. It's life in a fallen world.

My best definition of "functional" is where everyone does their best to support the others in the system, while maintaining healthy boundaries. Inter-dependence rather than over-dependence or complete independence.

It's funny (funny "odd" not funny "ha-ha"). When you grow up in a totally screwed up system, it's so hard when you try to learn what is and isn't functional (I don't use the word "normal" b/c there's no such thing). There are those times when you're sure that Functional People have it all together all the time, and then you start to realize that no one has it together ALL the time. It's a matter of doing it Well Enough.

(I used to read etiquette books from cover to cover, just so I would know how to act properly...)

I literally went to the library to learn what was proper! My family was so awful, mostly my mother, that I was completely untaught everything (I guess when one is kept in a room by oneself and taught that people will hurt you if the get a chance, one hasn't a clue.).

[piglady]

Exactly, just curious how others overcame their rocky start.

[OUVickie]

I grew up with a mother who was dysfuntional too. Of course I had no idea what was wrong with her when I was growing up. No family is perfect, but some are much more "functional" than others.
Like you, piglady, I married (second husband) into a more funtional family. The example my in-laws have set taught me a more functional way of living. Plus, I've read lots of self-help books that have helped me understand myself and my mother.
I realize now it's the way she was raised - lots of drama, guilt, manipulation, etc.
I love my Mom, but it caused lots of problems in my family and a lot of problems for me and my brother. I had to "re-learn" how to be a more functional person.

You are so right Pony, so much of it is about healthy boundaries!!

Someone here on the forum suggested a book called "Boundaries" by Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend. I wish I had found this book 20 yrs ago, when it was first published. It has caused a whole paradigm shift in the way I think. I found an entire series of these books and I plan to read them all.

THANKS so much to the member who suggested this book!!!!
I think it has helped me become a better person overall. I handle situations much differently now.

[TJN66]

I like those definitions also.

[jlrbhjmnc]

Originally Posted by piglady

Exactly, just curious how others overcame their rocky start.

Prayers of others for me. Prayer. Learning from functional, healthy examples. Books about those who overcame (not modern ones, but old biographies, stories of saints and wholesome novels). Refusing to work for the devil and turning to God, over and over and over again.

[motdaugrnds]

Well, seems I'm most always out of the box! Dysfunctional to me means being unable to exist in a given society in a way that does not harm self or others. (That potential exists in each and every human!)

I've been dysfunctional since I was 2-1/2 years old as that was when I chose to split parts of myself from other parts of myself so as to deal with the pain of a Christmas event. That split never healed! I have learned to live with it and, because of it, have been able to stand apart from much of what goes on around me with a more objective view than I otherwise would have had. That split produced a Family Therapist who had the ability to join a family system without becoming enmeshed in that system and, thus, was able to better bring about systemic changes that family had been working toward.

Dysfunction? Oh yes! Difficult to live with? Let me count the ways....or rather don't let me even try to count the ways!

None of us get out of childhood with a full deck; some of us are lucky if we make it at all with any characteristic that will serve us well. What some might describe as dysfunctional; another might not. All definitions above for both terms (dysfunctional and functional) are good! But let me add something else in the mix ... what is "good"?

I have learned "good/bad" and "right/wrong" are myths because what is good for one (or right for one) may not be so for another; and what is bad (or wrong) for one may not be so for another. One of the most important lessons I've learned is the need to fit in wherever one is most comfortable, being sure to check out the ramnifications of such a fit and being able to accept the responsibility for his/her choices.

At the moment, I prefer nature over human systems and animals over people. Does that make me dysfunctional? (retorical of course)

[mamita]

I'm sure every family has a bit of dysfunction. however, if you've seen bad times, it does help when you meet a person that shows you better. I thank God every day for the woman I met while a very young mom, because she showed me how to treat my children. otherwise I may have taken the route of my mom. not that my mom meant to be bad, she just really didn't know better, as she followed the route of her own VERY dysfunctional mom.

pretty much, tho, no family is the Waltons. still...nice to know the better families for sure. hub's family comes very close. lots of children, loving parents. maybe a flaw here and there.....but minor. I love them.

[plowjockey]

I never knew there was such a thing as a functional family.

We have plenty of the "dis" on the list, but last night, we joked about how we are the happiest disfunctional family in town.

So now I'm confused on whether we are really functional, or still disfunctional.

In reality, people do their best, or at least think, they are trying to do their best. Sometime they just don't care, or have given up.

Some "disfunctional" problems can be worked through - some cannot and maybe should not. Family dyanmics have always been tough, more so in these modern times.

I hope eveybody gets the peace and happiness they deserve. It ain't easy.

[big rockpile]

100% functional family here

big rockpile

[mamita]

oh..it's still family. they sure aren't always perfect, but who is? nobody. not one single one of us is perfect. so..some times it's bad, some times it's good. my mom always said if you can't get along with family, you can't get along with anyone. ok..she may have had that wrong..lol...but I understand what she meant. functional...that means life is good today.

[Yvonne's hubby]

Originally Posted by mamita

oh..it's still family. they sure aren't always perfect, but who is? nobody. not one single one of us is perfect. so..some times it's bad, some times it's good. my mom always said if you can't get along with family, you can't get along with anyone. ok..she may have had that wrong..lol...but I understand what she meant. functional...that means life is good today.

Your mother never met my family.... I would say it this way... "If you can get along with my family you can get along with anyone."

[Pony]

EVERY family has its dysfunctions. But if you can learn to keep the FUN in dysFUNction, accept that people make mistakes but are not themselves mistakes and then LEARN from those mistakes, well... it's all good.

Learning to read was my ticket out. I didn't know what a functioning family was until I got old enough to hang out with kids from school.

And all it takes is one adult who tells you that you are important, that you are worthwhile, to make the difference in your self-concept.

[Kshobbit]

I have learned to embrace my dysfunctionality and live with it. Nothing in my life was ever close to normal. There are those around me now that view my clinging to the old homestead values and raising my own food as pretty darn weird. I have been called a "free spirit" and a "loner" and a of all things, "Mother Earth Person". I kind of like the last one tho..

[Grandmotherbear]

I've just spent all weekend biting my tongue. The effort left me half sick. I was with my mother for her 85th birthday. My brother, SIL and their 25 year younger friend that goes everywhere with them were supposed to come also, with their little yapdog, but they cancelled at the last minute. I had to listen to my mother crying as she related to me my SIL telling her she was mean and cruel and my brother saying they wouldn't be able to interact with her for awhile years back. And she related how she was totally innocent. The whole world just treats her cruelly. I bit my tongue over and over again. She wanted both my brother and me to be miserable as she says she was in her first marriage. She says hurtful things. She is a control freak and will never ever believe she could be contributing in any way to her own problems. She went into my daughter's room one night a week after after she attempted suicide and started in trying to drive her to make another attempt! We had no contact with her for seven years while my brother was the favored son. No she has turned on him but I will NEVER again believe I am the favored child. No, she can't look past herself. She wants to be the self centered egoist her mother always was and she can't stand that fate hasn't provided her a slave to fetch carry and be tormented for her.

[Caitedid]

I think that any family can be functional no matter how crazy they are if they're making an effort to be a family. My family makes no effort to work together for anything positive, so I've decided not to take part.

[stormwalker]

Originally Posted by Caitedid

I think that any family can be functional no matter how crazy they are if they're making an effort to be a family. My family makes no effort to work together for anything positive, so I've decided not to take part.

I think you're right - With love and tolerance, crazy is easy!
Well, maybe not easy, but do-able.

[Tricky Grama]

Originally Posted by big rockpile

100% functional family here

big rockpile

Yup, we see that...