A troublemaker in the family?

[ejagno]

I really need some advice and guidance on an ongoing situation. I have a new daughter in law that joined our family about 6 weeks ago. Within these six weeks she has single handedly hurt every member of my family with her criticism and verbal viciousness.

This morning I wrote a message to my son on his facebook page telling him that we thought he was a great father. It is his very first fathers day. His wife, the daughter in law referenced above, took it as a direct insult to herself for not being here for his first fathers day and started all kinds of drama.

She apparently called her father and told him what she wanted him to hear regarding my post. He called me and there are no words to describe how terribly angry and verbally abusive this man was to me on the phone about how I publicly humiliated his daughter. We've been friends with her father for over 35 years and this was such a horrible shock. We've never ever seen him act this way.

The daughter in law got home and my son asked her point blank how in the world she managed to turn this around to be about her when it was nothing but a kind fathers day wish for him. She finally had to admit to him that she just took it the wrong way.

Well, once again she created alot of hurt, destroyed a 35 year friendship and created even more tension in this family with my son in the middle.

Now I haven't spoken to my son at all other than this post at 5:30 this morning.. He worked nights and was sleeping during all this. He called me this evening to ask me what happened. I told him about the phone call following my post and told him that I never meant to hurt anyone and that all I wanted to do was tell him how proud we were of him and what a great Dad we felt he was. BTW, the child is not his. It is her child from a previous relationship but is adorable and just loves my son to pieces as we love him. He agreed that there was nothing in that post that should have been taken the wrong way and that he really appreciated it.

Okay, great, so now she understands that this wasn't about her at all. However, once again, look at the irreparable damage and pain that this girl has brought upon our family once again. She won't apologize for her actions or set the story straight with her father if history is any indicator.

I love my son and grandson, but I have had it with his bride. I don't know what to do to prevent her drama within my family unit without hurting my son. Please tell me how you would handle this. I'm fresh out of solutions myself.

[Nomad]

Sounds like your son picked a real winner. I won't tell you how I would handle it, because I'd be flayed. I just wish you well and can almost guarantee this won't be the last time this kind of thing happens. As for the father of this insensitive, spoiled, self-centered piece of work, he should be dead to you from now on.

Nomad

[OH Boy]

There is nothing you can do except avoid her which in all likelihood means you will be avoiding him, too. Which is what I would do and make sure he understands why you are doing it. Perhaps that is what she is trying to do with all the bad behavior, get everyone else to back away from them. It's up to him to decide if he will allow that or not.

I think your son has a kind of a marital train wreck heading down his track and there is probably nothing he can do to get out of its way. She's gonna keep it up til it comes to a head and he can't take it any more.

They (she) need counseling or the marriage will never last.

[CarolT]

I hope she doesn't know you post here? Otherwise, you're going to have another round of drama. Some people cannot live without being the center of everything. If it had been me this morning, I would have apologized to the father, then had him visit my facebook page to read it for himself. If he was still upset, either he never has been the friend you thought, or your post was insulting, even if you didn't intend it to be. You are going to have to distance yourself from her, just do it gently. She is not going to change and she will keep it up until your son starts seeing things from her view or leaves her. As far as she's concerned, there is not going to be room for her and you in his life. Try not to make him choose :-)

[gaucli]

Maybe your son will wise up fast...it is a shame that he is so good to her son and she doesn't appreciate it. It sounds like she has done this all her life to get her way. I agree 100%..what a winner!!

[pheasantplucker]

Keep on doing what you do. Ignore her.

[KnowOneSpecial]

Love her like Jesus.


Take her out to lunnch on your dime. Explain to her that you really want to welcome her to the family and that you want her to know that if she has any problems that she can come to you directly to clear things up. Don't bring your son or her Dad into it. This is between you and her.

Considering she ran to her Dad I wonder what her relationship with her mom is like. Is it warm and loving? Between her own Mom issues and the fact that she sees you as the other woman her husband loves, she might not know how to behave. She reminds me of a new dog in the pack who tries to throw their weight around in order to be top dog.

[big rockpile]

OH!OH! THE DRAMAAAAAAAA!!

big rockpile

[HOTW]

She learned the behavior from somewhere and considering what the father said to you I bet the buck stops there.

No suggestions as to how to handle this, but make it clear to your son that direct communication with him is th eonly way to handl;e it

[momofseven]

We are somewhat in the same situation here. I decided though that I did not want my son to think that hew had to "chose" between us, so I am nice, nice, nice. I go out of my way to be happy and polite to her. I do stuff for them. I don't call or impose in anyway. We are always "there" for them is they need something. I know (and hope) that someday she will mature and be happy with us. There must be something there that is very precious for my son to have married her, just like with your son. So love her unconditionally and make sure you make a big deal out of mothers day for her!

[ejagno]

Originally Posted by KnowOneSpecial

Love her like Jesus.


Take her out to lunnch on your dime. Explain to her that you really want to welcome her to the family and that you want her to know that if she has any problems that she can come to you directly to clear things up. Don't bring your son or her Dad into it. This is between you and her.

Considering she ran to her Dad I wonder what her relationship with her mom is like. Is it warm and loving? Between her own Mom issues and the fact that she sees you as the other woman her husband loves, she might not know how to behave. She reminds me of a new dog in the pack who tries to throw their weight around in order to be top dog.

She literally hates her mother with a passion and has had no contact with her for over 11 years when her parents divorced. Her mother has tried despirately to reconnect but the daughter in law wants nothing to do with her.

I've tried talking to her one on one when she was mercifully criticising my other kids and causing problems a few weeks ago. I explained to her that this behavior was hurtful and that no one is perfect therefore we should be careful about finding nothing but fault in everyone. I told her that she is part of our family now and this family just doesn't do that to one another.

I really appreciate alll of your input everyone. This has really broken my heart and as a parent we all want to be able to "fix" everything and this one just has me so distraught and down at the moment.

The message I wrote to my son, "Adam, we look down the road and are just in awe. If only more Dad's were as close to their sons as you are to yours this world would be a better place. You are a terrific Dad and we are proud of you!"

[belladulcinea]

And she got mad about that. Don't get caught up in her drama and just continue to be nice. Your son will appreciate it.

[pattycake]

I am so very sorry that you are going thru this. Your message to your son was beautiful and heartfelt. The DIL sounds like a very insecure and troubled soul. Step back from the situation and give it some thought on how to handle it. We found that once we addressed it face to face then things got better. She might not feel secure until she separates him from his entire family. If this is the case then I shall keep you in my prayers.

[SunsetSonata]

Daughter in law sounds jealous at your close bond with her husband - her not being close to her own mother. But anyway, I hope your son is doing something to rectify the situation. He needs to decide what is worth tolerating, and what she did is shameful and embarrassing - regardless of why she may be acting like she is.

Wish there was a way to show her father what the Facebook post said. Do you have his email address or can you get it? I think he deserves to know the truth.

[ChristieAcres]

If you have never read the book, "Boundaries," be sure and get a copy, read, and employ the methods of laying them down with this troublemaker. I learned not to "play" the game when it began and shut down the troublemakers quickly. It is sick to take enjoyment from causing others pain. Sorry to hear your DS married a mean sick woman like this.

[Danaus29]

If he stays with this "lovely" woman she will eventually drive a wedge between you so that you and your son will never have a relationship again. She will also drive all other family and friends away from him. Unless she just has a jealousy problem with other women, in which case any other women around "her" man will be driven away, even friends who are married will be alienated.

That's what my dh's sil did to her hubby, dh's brother. She has a real problem with other women.

[Harry Chickpea]

Do what Lori said.

I would have my own way of dealing with it, but it wouldn't work for you. Lori has given you a really great resource.

[AR Cattails]

Originally Posted by belladulcinea

And she got mad about that. Don't get caught up in her drama and just continue to be nice. Your son will appreciate it.

I agree with this. The girl obviously has issues and she seems to make everything about her. Your son will appreciate you being your sweet self and not make him choose between you and her. There sure wasn't anything wrong with the nice father's day message you sent your son.

[rockinl]

I am sorry for you. My middle son married a woman with a precious little girl from a previous marriage. He was stationed in Germany while in the Army and married her there. They came home and lived with us for a few months to get their feet under them.
I have never heard my mother say anything against anyone in my life. But she took one look at my DIL and said, "she is evil."
That girl caused more trouble than I could possibly ever tell you. I was not prepared to protect my family from anyone so bad, and she all but destroyed us in a short time because we had our guards down. We are an open and accepting family and she was a conniving and bitter back-stabbing, crazy thing. For instance, she would cause problems in the lives of my other grown children whom she had barely met.
Do not underestimate her. When you are not used to operating in that mode, it can just undo you. It is just crazy making. Like what happened to you today, you are saying nice, normal things and they get used against you.

I don't have a solution for you, but to be careful and just withdraw from the entire situation. In my family, she alienated him from us all, then left him for a boy barely out of high school. He is embarassed right now, but after he gets over it, he knows we love him unconditionally, and he will come around when he is ready.

Since you know she is a trouble maker, have as little to do with them for a while as possible. That way, the trouble that she causes will only effect HIM. All of the trouble that happens, will not be your fault, or any of your family's fault. You can just be there to scoop him up when he comes crawling back home to his mama. And believe me, it will happen!

[mightybooboo]

I see more facebook 'problems'...........