A vent(again) about DH's ex

[whiskeylivewire]

DH is in the middle of harvest and cannot watch his son at night because he is working(2nd shift). I have refused to watch his son since the last drama and especially since I caught him holding down my DD4 telling her he was going to break her arm because she had done something to him.

Yesterday, Dh texted the ex to find out when he could get his son for the day and told her he was working nights and couldn't keep him overnight like usual(he was supposed to do this earlier this week). She told him, "well, I guess Nicole will have to watch him then. My husband and I are getting ready to have his kids for 7 days straight and we need time alone." Really?! How sad! Dh and I are rarely only and I have kids here every single day! Oh, I was so angry! DH told her that I would not do it. She said that she had to watch her husband's kids and threatened that DH wouldn't be able to claim him on taxes next year as is his right and she also told him to get a NEW WIFE. Seriously?!

I told DH maybe he did need a new wife, that would put up with a child who does not listen, runs to mommy if he gets grounded(he left the pool 2 times without telling anyone so we told him he couldn't go when he was here) and says he won't come out here because we're mean. She told DH he couldn't ground him or spank him or do anything that would make their son not want to come out here(in other words-let him do anything he wants).

Dh's son got mad the other day because he wanted to eat some junk food(a brownie) and we told him that he had to eat a meal first. He then said, "I'm not hungry" and refused to eat. No, he's not 4. He's 10!

Anyway, if this woman keeps interfering in my marriage, I worry for it. DH said, "I'm asking you to do this." I said no, he shouldn't even be asking me to do something I don't want to, just to "keep the peace". I am not the one ruining the child-I've tried to help him so much and everyone tells me to just let him do what he wants.

I hate telling his son he can't come here but I feel my hands are tied.

Regarding his ex...I have never wanted to put my fist in someone's face more in my entire life.

[Jan Doling]

She knows how to push your buttons. Tell DH to only take son when he can actually spend time with him and supervise him properly. It's not visitation if you are the only one visiting with him!

[demeter]

Nicole, stick to your guns. Let 'em get just as mad as they like--they'll get over it.

Demeter

[Ardie/WI]

Originally Posted by demeter

Nicole, stick to your guns. Let 'em get just as mad as they like--they'll get over it.

Demeter

That!

[Tracy Rimmer]

You married a man with a child from a previous relationship. Therefore, you married the package: DH, kid, ex-wife and everything that goes with it.

Not liking the package doesn't mean it doesn't remain a package.

I'm not saying you don't have the right to a peaceful home. I am saying that, if make him choose, you just might be the one losing, whether the ex is the one bringing it to a head, or not. DH *HAS* to work this out with the ex -- with or without the help of the courts. *YOU* have to support him in whatever that is, because if it becomes time with his kid against time with you, you'll lose him -- and if he chooses you over his child, is he the kind of man you really want?

[mothernature]

Your (you and your DH's) household has rules, therefore child must obide by them. He is old enough at 10 to know he is being a brat, and ex certainly knows what she is doing!! Yes you are married to a package deal, but YOU are not to be bullied, yes BULLIED by ex and a 10 yr old. DH needs to have a chat with ex NOW about his and your household rules and what is expected of child. Ex does NOT run your household and she is being cruel to her son by using him - don't ground him etc. is not looking out for his best interests!!! Stop take a deep breath and tell DH to handle this situation immediately!!

[Ardie/WI]

Originally Posted by mothernature

Your (you and your DH's) household has rules, therefore child must obide by them. He is old enough at 10 to know he is being a brat, and ex certainly knows what she is doing!! Yes you are married to a package deal, but YOU are not to be bullied, yes BULLIED by ex and a 10 yr old. DH needs to have a chat with ex NOW about his and your household rules and what is expected of child. Ex does NOT run your household and she is being cruel to her son by using him - don't ground him etc. is not looking out for his best interests!!! Stop take a deep breath and tell DH to handle this situation immediately!!

Yes, I agree!

OP, tell your DH to put on his big-boy pants and deal with the ex.

There is no reason for you to have to care for the boy if you don't want to.

[Maura]

You are doing the right thing. You have not been given visitation, DH has. As for not being allowed to punish him, forget it. In your house he plays by your rules. You may ground him, you may withhold privileges, etc. I would not hit someone else's kid, but there are plenty of ways to discipline a child. If the ex doesn't like her son being grounded or having brownies withheld, she can go to the court.

Big boy pants, yea.

[bluemoonluck]

I have learned a LOT about this kind of thing from a stepmother support group that I belong to.

Their mantra: NMKNMP (Not My Kid, Not My Problem).

Its called detachment. In cases where the step kid refuses to listen to you (stepmother) and the bio mom is trying to use the kid as a weapon, you have to just step back and let your DH be the parent.

Do not discipline the child - its your husband's child, and his responsibility to discipline him

Do not allow yourself to be put into a position where you are the "babysitter" because NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, the step kid will create trouble for you, then you'll be the bad guy, his bio mom will paint you as the evil stepmother, and your DH will be frustrated because you "can't handle" his kid.

Seriously, if your DH isn't there to watch HIS son, then ask him who he is calling to come over to supervise the boy because YOU are going out for a ladies night out and you can't watch him. Repeat this every time he asks you to watch his child.

Yes, you knew when you got married that your DH had a son from a previous relationship. That doesn't mean that you are supposed to PARENT that child. He has 2 parents - your DH and his bio mom - you are not one of them!!

[LisaInN.Idaho]

Originally Posted by Tracy Rimmer

You married a man with a child from a previous relationship. Therefore, you married the package: DH, kid, ex-wife and everything that goes with it.

Not liking the package doesn't mean it doesn't remain a package.

I'm not saying you don't have the right to a peaceful home. I am saying that, if make him choose, you just might be the one losing, whether the ex is the one bringing it to a head, or not. DH *HAS* to work this out with the ex -- with or without the help of the courts. *YOU* have to support him in whatever that is, because if it becomes time with his kid against time with you, you'll lose him -- and if he chooses you over his child, is he the kind of man you really want?

I agree!

[whiskeylivewire]

Tracy and Lisa-I agree as well. In fact, until recently I had him more than DH or the ex did. I had enough. DH does need to put on his big boy pants AND he needs to defend his wife.

I will not be bullied by this woman any longer. I told her so. If DH I weren't together, he wouldn't be able to have him at night when he's at work anyway. Everything was fine as long as I played by her rules and I refused to do it any longer.

When I can't get on to a kid who was holding down a 4 yr old and telling her he was going to break her arm, I will not be in charge of that child. Or one that refuses to do chores and if made to he throws a fit and refuses to come out to see his father. DH just doesn't want his son not to want to come out here. I understand that but they are ruining this child by not giving him boundaries.

[Terri]

Interfering in your marriage?!? Not a BIT of it!

She is interfering with your parenting of her child. She is also messing with you, directly. She is not your friend, to put it mildly. I believe that she would ENJOY interfering with your marriage, but your husband seems to be pretty good at not letting her.

I LOVE Bluemoonluck's answer, by the way!

[whiskeylivewire]

DH will do whatever she says just so that he will not have to listen to her mouth. I understand his not wanting the drama, but there comes a time when you have to stand up for yourself and your family.

This is what I want to happen: I want DH to tell his ex that whether she likes it or not, he is the father and at his house, his rules apply. I don't think this is inflammatory or mean, I think this is just how it is. He also needs to tell his son this.

The reason I consider it interfering is that we argue everytime she pulls these stunts. I don't want to back down to her at all and I admit, I have a bit of a hangup of it due to being in a controlling relationship in the past. I also admit that my mouth goes pretty quick, I mean, I can comeback with something pretty quick and DH hates that. He feels I'm just being mouthy; I feel I'm defending myself.

I am not perfect and I will readily admit my faults. I just want someone to stand up to this woman. MIL says that I should just let it be, DH says that we should just let her have her way....am I the only one that will stand up to her? I don't understand being this passive. I guess that is another fault of mine as well.

[whiskeylivewire]

I meant to add that my other children do chores, listen to us and treat DH with respect. DH can be hard on DS11, and was really hard on him until DS told him how much it was bothering him. DH relented. I've treated them all the same, his son has to follow the same rules as my kids do. That means pick up your clothes, be respectful, get yourself something to eat if I'm busy doing chores or homework, and be respectful. We don't ask much. We just want to raise them right. Oh another rule, get good grades and don't mouth off to the teachers or anyone in authority. Apparently that is asking too much though, the ex told me I was too hard on my kids because they got only 2 B's between them the whole year.

[TNnative]

Originally Posted by whiskeylivewire

DH says that we should just let her have her way

I don't understand this mindset. Why should his EX have her way in your house?

[Terri]

Whiskeylivewire, there is a word that I would like you to use. 2 words, actually.

One is the word "goodbye". You use it on the phone when she says something even faintly inconsiderate and then you hang up. It will make her nuts because she will feel unheard: this is not your problem.

The other is to ONLY say the word "No", more words dilute this.

She is playing games and she is more vicious than you. Your only winning move is to refuse to play with her, even when she tries to make you engage her. After bitter experience I use this with my SIL. It works. And, to my surprise, DH tells me that she is now afraid of me. I do not know why but since I NOW only talk to her every 6 months or so, I don't really care.

[HOTW]

You are right oin this she is using you and since you are "NOT ALLOWED" to treat him as your own then your DH needs to understand you are not her doormat. She sounds liek the majoity of people nowadays who just let things go and since you do not do thigns that way it's an issue. Hodling down a 4 year old and threatening with physical violence?Kid would not be welcome in my house at all.Your DH needs to understand that letting it go only makes the behavior worse and that if he wants the visitation he needs to be there because as thye have all emphasized its not YOUR kid.

[Gena]

Having been in two relationships with men-with-kids, it is never easy. My ex's ex was about as perfect as an ex-wife can be and it still wasn't easy. Now, DH's ex can be a challenge but I do my level best to stay out of it and keep my mouth shut about things. I treat the child as an acquaintance's child and make no attempts at parenting her. I feed her healthy food, make sure she has a clean place to play and sleep and leave the rest to him. I'd not let her play in traffic or run with butcher knives, but unless she's doing something that could seriously injure her, I turn my back to it.

There's a saying about not being able to control other people only your reaction to them. It isn't fair to you to be put in this situation, but not much *you* do will change it. Try to disengage and let YH and his ex work their own thing out.

Is there any way that the 4 adults in the situation would all agree to a session or two with a counselor/mediator?

[Tracy Rimmer]

Originally Posted by whiskeylivewire

DH just doesn't want his son not to want to come out here. I understand that but they are ruining this child by not giving him boundaries.

Absolutely, and that is EXACTLY what I mean. Your problem isn't with the ex or the kid... they're the package your DH came with, and they're HIS package to deal with.

As I said, no matter how much of a cow the ex may be, *SHE* isn't your problem. She could be the anti-Christ -- she'll still be your DH's ex, and your stepson's mother, and so long as you're married to this man, she'll be part of your life in that capacity. She's part of the deal so long as you are married to this man and he is father to her child.

In other words, your problem is your DH. Don't be angry with her for being what she is when the real problem is him being who he is. It's easier for him to take the kid on her terms and have you deal with the crap than to have to deal with her crap directly. Ergo, he finds it more acceptable to challenge you than to challenge her. The ex probably has a pretty clear idea of the fact that he's avoiding her in order to avoid more drama and crap in his life, and has decided that if she makes YOUR life hell, you will either, in turn, pass it along to him, or you'll leave, hurting him either way, and allowing her to feel a sense of control over him, despite the fact that they no longer live in the same house.

Please don't take this the wrong way but, YOU MARRIED IT. I know it sounds snarky, but I do NOT mean it that way, I'm trying to illustrate the fact that the only person in this situation that you can change is *YOU* and *YOU* have to decide whether or not the situation works for you, where your reactions need to change, or how the situation needs to change to MAKE it work for you.

Again, *YOU* have to do that, because right now, it sounds like the ex is doing what exes do, Dad is doing what Dads who have a fallback spouse with a strong enough personality to deal with the crap for them do, and the kid is playing them off against the middle. BTW, *YOU'RE* the middle.

Dad needs to sort this out, with or without the help of the courts, but no matter what happens, he is FATHER to that boy before he is YOUR husband, and the two of you need to find a way to make both relationships work, or you're ALL going to be unhappy. And, as I said before, if he doesn't fix it, it will probably either mean the end of your marriage, which I'm certain you don't want, or the end of his being a father to his son, in which case, I think I know you well enough from your posts on here, you would lose your respect for him, and it would be the end of your marriage, anyhow.

I'm attempting to send you a little strength to get you through. If the kid is only ten, you've got eight or ten more years of this sort of joy if nothing is done and you choose to remain in the marriage. If that's the case, you're going to need it.

[Dutchie]

Quite frankly, I couldn't live like that. I first was a stepmom 30 years ago and if there had been this much discord in my house on a regular basis something would have given because I refuse to live like that.