If your child works very hard on something...

lynnabyrd · #1 06/02/11, 05:50 PM

and later doesn't get any credit for being part of it... as a parent, what do you do, if anything?

A few weeks ago our little town had it's annual fair. My oldest daughter is in 4H, and her "goat group" spent months working on a presentation for the fair. On the day of the presentation, two hours before the kids were scheduled to go, they suddenly were rescheduled and had to give their presentation right then or they'd be cancelled. (long story)

I had taken her home to grab a bite for lunch, got back an hour and a half before the presentation was scheduled... to discover that the other girls were nearly done. My poor daughter ended up "tacked on" to the very end of the demo, missed half of the things she'd spent three months learning to do, had to give her part of the speech alone, and none of her family got to see it except me. My hubby and the rest of the family were finishing lunch.

And to add insult to injury, the local paper that came out today had an article about the demo the girls gave... and my daughter got no acknowledgement at all except as "a volunteer from the audience."

She's only 11 and doesn't need to know about the newspaper article, and I don't intend to show her. But as a mom, knowing how hard she worked and how upset she was the day of the demo because of the screwup, this just makes me even more upset, on her behalf. It's certainly not the reporter's fault, and I feel very petty that this even bothers me. But it does!

hmsteader71 · #2 06/02/11, 06:16 PM

I am sorry! As a parent that would be very hard to swallow. I really feel for you and your daughter. I honestly don't know what I would do. I know I would have plenty to say at home!

stormwalker · #3 06/02/11, 06:19 PM

Hello, Momma Byrd!
I don't think you're petty!
You're just protecting your chick!
How well do you know your 4-H leader?
I think you need to have a chat with her.
Do you have a cell phone?
If you do, why couldn't she call you?
Too bad for your little girl--not a good lesson!

james dilley · #4 06/02/11, 06:20 PM

Contact the newspaper, ask them to do A add on to the article ,saying that she was misidentified. And was part of the group. And that due to the reschedule, that was why she was late. That might get A correction put in the next paper.

Sawmill Jim · #5 06/02/11, 06:44 PM

Who pushed the reschedule and why yep i'd pitch a fit from the mayor on down

A letter to the editor what ever it took but i fit i'd pitch

Alice In TX/MO · #6 06/02/11, 06:54 PM

Pitching a fit accomplishes nothing except makes the pitcher look like an idiot. I know this from personal experience when raising my children. I don't pitch fits any more. Too much bad fallout, and you set a HORRIBLE example for your child of how to deal with things.

Stuff happens. How you deal with it shows your maturity and grace or lack thereof. What lesson do you want your daughter to learn?

Maura · #7 06/02/11, 07:22 PM

This is a learning experience. If you were in a professional group that performed one after the other (morris dancers followed by quartet, followed by magician,...) you learn fast that schedules change and your 45 minute act gets cut to 30 minutes because the group before you started late, or the group after you has to leave early to catch a plane. You get moved to a different stage, one of your shows gets dropped so you got there three hours earlier than necessary, the sound system turns out to be a single mike and a PA. FH, professional band, it's all theatre. The best thing to do is discuss the matter with the group at their next meeting, if not possible then with DD.

The group should have some sort of flyer that outlines when they did, what they are presenting, and a list of all names correctly spelled. This paper can be given to reporters, parents, and whoever is making announcements. You can even use a magic marker to circle the info that particular person needs.

Count on not going back home until after the performance, even if it means buying or bringing lunch. Prepare with more water than you think you'll need. Make sure the animals are well cared for and presentable regardless of "show time". I know this is all after the fact, but your daughter has learned a valuable lesson. As Alice pointed out, being a professional means adapting to changing circumstances.

Farmerwilly2 · #8 06/02/11, 07:38 PM

Sorry for your daughter but folks are giving you some great advice for next time. Number one lesson in life is that stuff happens. Learn to bend with it and not break. It is hard when it's one of yours that gets hurt. I'd like to think she'll do even better the next time, having seen how it can go south on ya. I second the idea of getting to the person that screwed it up and encourage them to get their own act together.

Sawmill Jim · #9 06/02/11, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alice In TX/MO

Pitching a fit accomplishes nothing except makes the pitcher look like an idiot. I know this from personal experience when raising my children. I don't pitch fits any more. Too much bad fallout, and you set a HORRIBLE example for your child of how to deal with things.

Stuff happens. How you deal with it shows your maturity and grace or lack thereof. What lesson do you want your daughter to learn?

Maybe pitching a fit in Tn. is different than many locations . I would find the reason and responsible party for the changes .

Not so if i hire or am a professorial i expect to be on time . The word professorial after all should mean what it says . If i rent the club house from one till five you need to be gone at one if you got there late buy a clock as you leave .

MO_cows · #10 06/02/11, 09:53 PM

Major mistake on the part of the fair management. I would want to speak to someone in authority privately and let them know the consequences of their mistake.

But still a lesson in it for the young lady that sometimes life just isn't fair and we don't get everything we think we deserve. A painful lesson but one that builds strength of character nonetheless.

Callieslamb · #11 06/02/11, 10:29 PM

I'd also talk to someone responsible- in a reasonable way. Just to let them know how the reschedule affect your DD. Maybe find out if they WERE responsible or maybe the group leader didn't get the info to your DD. I'd come at it from the point of view that they need to know to help avoid that problem next time. If they are worth their beans, they will apoligize to your DD. I'd also be sure that DD knew I thought she did a great job inspite how it all turned out and that you will do as much as possible to see that it doesn't happen again.

luvrulz · #12 06/02/11, 10:32 PM

Life is full of disappointments (and reschedules...) and 5 yrs from now, this won't be a big deal.... So, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it now. See if the paper can run a correction, but otherwise, save your fight for bigger issues that matter. Pick your fights and I don't think this is one of thm, JMO.

Harry Chickpea · #13 06/03/11, 12:52 AM

Ask her feelings. Ask what (if anything) she wants to do. Reflect back so that she knows she has been heard by you. Sometimes life isn't fair, especially at the fair. Show business is brutal, which is part of the reason many successful actors end up with egos the size of the Goodyear blimp.

The situation wasn't intentional. The slight wasn't intentional. Grace under pressure is an awesome ability.

lynnabyrd · #14 06/03/11, 01:00 AM

It's not worth it to pitch a fit. I know this. Yes, I do have a cell phone, and the 4 H leader didn't call me because she didn't have *her* cell phone that day.

The 4-H leader was angrier than I was on the day of the demo. Our group got bumped at the last minute because someone in charge suddenly decided there would be more interest in karaoke than a goat presentation. The 4-H leader has already gone and complained to the fair board, but I don't know yet what the result will be there. I'm hoping the person who dropped the ball will at the very least acknowledge the screwup.

Oh, I know, it's a really dumb thing to be so annoyed about. But I saw all the work she put into this presentation. She's a very shy kid and this was the very first time she was going to have to "talk" in public, and it was to the entire town. She was absolutely terrified but determined not to let her friends down. To miss out on most of her own demo, have to give her speaking part alone instead of part of the group, and THEN be labeled as simply part of the "audience", well, it really rubbed me the wrong way today, and I just needed to vent.

I did want to comment on this, although I want to be clear that I'm not trying to pick on you, Maura, just want to clarify a few things:

Quote:

The group should have some sort of flyer that outlines when they did, what they are presenting, and a list of all names correctly spelled. This paper can be given to reporters, parents, and whoever is making announcements. You can even use a magic marker to circle the info that particular person needs.

Count on not going back home until after the performance, even if it means buying or bringing lunch. Prepare with more water than you think you'll need. Make sure the animals are well cared for and presentable regardless of "show time".

Our presentation WAS in the fair schedule, names, times, all of it. The other one was not. We had already been in town since 6 that morning and from 9-noon they were part of the parade. Parade over, we put the goats in their pens, fed and watered them. The kids weren't scheduled till 2; that's FAR too long for an 11 year old, not to mention her 4 younger siblings and old fogey parents

, to go without eating. We left the grounds at about 12:10 and she and I were back at 12:30, and in that amount of time the entire thing was rearranged and nearly over. Yes, I probably should have packed a lunch for us, but I had quite a bit going on that day and didn't.

And this is a group of 4-H kids. They aren't professional anything, they're a group of kids who wanted to show what they've been learning. They all feel pretty gypped over how they were treated... I just tend to feel more protective toward the one I'm related to!

I know... I KNOW it's not going to matter in a few years. But on the other hand, *this* experience matters to her *now*.

SageLady · #15 06/03/11, 01:12 AM

It's too bad that it happened and I understand why it is bothering you, but dwelling on it will just make it worse for you and your DD. Move on. It's just life. Things don't always go the way they're supposed to. The sooner your DD learns this fact of life and how to cope with it the better off she will be. I've had similar situations happen with my kids and that's how we dealt with it. They deal with disappointments, etc. as adults now very well due to some negative childhood experiences...

**clovis** · #16 06/03/11, 02:17 AM

I agree, this is a good learning experience.

This gives you the perfect opportunity to teach her that there are times that it is good to speak up, and other times when we should just let it pass.

I'd call the reporter, and with hat in hand, explain what happened, and ask if they will run a correction or add a story.

Sorry this happened to your DD!!!!!

Laura Zone 5 · #17 06/03/11, 08:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lynnabyrd

If your child works very hard on something...and later doesn't get any credit for being part of it... as a parent, what do you do, if anything?

A few weeks ago our little town had it's annual fair. My oldest daughter is in 4H, and her "goat group" spent months working on a presentation for the fair. On the day of the presentation, two hours before the kids were scheduled to go, they suddenly were rescheduled and had to give their presentation right then or they'd be cancelled. (long story)

I had taken her home to grab a bite for lunch, got back an hour and a half before the presentation was scheduled... to discover that the other girls were nearly done. My poor daughter ended up "tacked on" to the very end of the demo, missed half of the things she'd spent three months learning to do, had to give her part of the speech alone, and none of her family got to see it except me. My hubby and the rest of the family were finishing lunch.

And to add insult to injury, the local paper that came out today had an article about the demo the girls gave... and my daughter got no acknowledgement at all except as "a volunteer from the audience."

She's only 11 and doesn't need to know about the newspaper article, and I don't intend to show her. But as a mom, knowing how hard she worked and how upset she was the day of the demo because of the screwup, this just makes me even more upset, on her behalf. It's certainly not the reporter's fault, and I feel very petty that this even bothers me. But it does!

I have not read the other responses, and I will tell you what I have done in my family:

I have raised my kids on this saying:

Do the right thing ,because it is the right thing to do, regardless if anyone is looking or not.

I have raised the kids that we are not to seek out the 'accolades of man' but to do what we do, for the Lord, and wait for His Rewards.
They are older now (high teen, and 20) and they are very humble, and their work ethic is second to none. Do they get frustrated when they do not get recognized......sure........but they go back to Scriptures, and recall it is not man they are working for, but the Lord.
That solid ground, keeps them from getting angry, upset, disappointed, etc.

Now as the 'mama bear' yes, I would want to stand on a mountain top and shout "LOOK WHAT MY BABY HAS DONE!!!!".
But life is full of unfulfilled expectations, it's full of jerks who STEAL the credit for your hard work, it's full of people who will walk all over you, it's full of ungrateful people who will watch you work yourself to the bone and NEVER EVER say a word.
That's why it was so important for us, to give the kids Solid Ground to walk on, and the Promises of Christ, to cling too.

pheasantplucker · #18 06/03/11, 08:57 AM

I would express my disappointment to the fair management and outline all that you have told us. This must be difficult for your daughter, but it might be a good lesson after all. If she's into this because of her love of the herd, then it won't be as devastating as it might first appear. If she's into it for personal attention then it will be more difficult to rectify. These things do happen to all of us in life from time to time, and as parents, we, naturally wish to insulate our children from such events, but have confidence that she will keep it in perspective. To all the people who truly matter, you all know her talents, and effort and work. It's nice to be recognized, but not always necessary. I considered myself a pretty dedicated, hard working, and innovative teacher. I was nominated several times for outstanding teacher in our district's recognition program, but I was never voted as outstanding teacher. Yes it would have been a nice feather to put in my hat, but I wasn't there for the recognition by colleagues...I was there for a different reason and it was success in the classroom that motivated me. I think your daughter will see that recognition is a fleeting thing. True learning, and the bond she develops with her animals is what truly matters. Give her a big hug from all of us here on HT !

WindowOrMirror · #19 06/03/11, 10:04 AM

I would sit my daughter down and explain that this learning experience was a good one, and that you will never again leave prior to an event. Explain that she prepared well, and that if everything went as planned, that she would have had the recognition she deserved. Tack on the learning that things almost never go as planned, and this means that we always need to be ready for contingency and emergency, and, sometimes; we need to be able to miss a thing and know that it doesn't define who we are or intend to become.

R

lynnabyrd · #20 06/03/11, 10:33 AM

Thanks, everyone. I was just having one of those "mama bear" days, you know?

Thankfully, my daughter, while very disappointed the day of the demo, is pretty level headed about the whole thing and has moved on quite contentedly. *I* seem to be the one having a harder time with it

and you're all correct, I need to let it go, too! Funny how the kids just accept and deal with it and the grownups are the ones that get their feathers ruffled...

It wasn't even bothering me anymore, and then yesterday I saw that article and it just got me all riled up again. I be good now.