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05/05/11, 10:19 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 2,215
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Moral Question
Who should get the kids?
Let's say a woman, K, adopts 5 kids. She's a single Mom, never married. K's sister, S agreed from the first adoption to take care of the kids if something should happen to K. At the time of the adoptions (spread out over 4 years) K was healthy. S got married 4 years ago. S felt she was abou to hit 30 and this guy was her last chance to be a wife and mom. After a lovely Church wedding, they had 2 kids. They'll be married 4 years this July.
About 3 years ago, K started getting sick. She has since been diagnosed with cancer and is in her last weeks of life. S has said all along that she would take the kids. However, her husband is having cold feet. He is a stay at home Dad who works a few shifs at a big box store on the weekend. He really doesn't have a drive to support his family and is OK with staying home with the kids. They both nap and on 2 days a week the 3 year old goes to school. S still does most of the cooking and cleaning.
Last week, E (S's husband), went to his therapist and it came out that he didn't want to adopt all of the kids. He only wants the oldest two because the look normal and can care for themselves. The other 3 kids have genetic issues or medical issues that scare him too much. He is on anti-anxiety meds already.
K's best friend loves K's kids, but has 6 of her own kids in a 4 bedroom house (Could be turned into a 5 bedroom). There's also the financial side as this could strap the friend's finances. Nothing too horrible, but the funds will be tight. There's a life in surance policy, but due to K's family greed, no one is 100% sure they'd turn the money over to the friend to use on the kids.
There's no other real family who can take the kids.
Knowing that K is about to die of cancer, and that K has worked very hard the last 10 years to keep these kids together as a family, everyone is now up in the air about where the kids are going to go. Do they make S chose between a promise she made to her sister or the vow she took before God? Do they split up the kids between S and the best friend?
If you were the judge, where would you send the kids?
__________________
I refuse to believe corporations are people until Texas executes one.
I also believe that workers need Unions as much as gun owners need the NRA.
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05/05/11, 10:29 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: middle GA
Posts: 16,654
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KnowOneSpecial
Who should get the kids?
Let's say a woman, K, adopts 5 kids. She's a single Mom, never married. K's sister, S agreed from the first adoption to take care of the kids if something should happen to K. At the time of the adoptions (spread out over 4 years) K was healthy. S got married 4 years ago. S felt she was abou to hit 30 and this guy was her last chance to be a wife and mom. After a lovely Church wedding, they had 2 kids. They'll be married 4 years this July.
About 3 years ago, K started getting sick. She has since been diagnosed with cancer and is in her last weeks of life. S has said all along that she would take the kids. However, her husband is having cold feet. He is a stay at home Dad who works a few shifs at a big box store on the weekend. He really doesn't have a drive to support his family and is OK with staying home with the kids. They both nap and on 2 days a week the 3 year old goes to school. S still does most of the cooking and cleaning.
Last week, E (S's husband), went to his therapist and it came out that he didn't want to adopt all of the kids. He only wants the oldest two because the look normal and can care for themselves. The other 3 kids have genetic issues or medical issues that scare him too much. He is on anti-anxiety meds already.
K's best friend loves K's kids, but has 6 of her own kids in a 4 bedroom house (Could be turned into a 5 bedroom). There's also the financial side as this could strap the friend's finances. Nothing too horrible, but the funds will be tight. There's a life in surance policy, but due to K's family greed, no one is 100% sure they'd turn the money over to the friend to use on the kids.
There's no other real family who can take the kids.
Knowing that K is about to die of cancer, and that K has worked very hard the last 10 years to keep these kids together as a family, everyone is now up in the air about where the kids are going to go. Do they make S chose between a promise she made to her sister or the vow she took before God? Do they split up the kids between S and the best friend?
If you were the judge, where would you send the kids?
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The part I put in bold is what I want to respond to. If K gets a will, she can state where the money goes and how it's divided. In our will we have the money going to DS, with my nephew as his guardian. The money will be given to my nephew for DS's upkeep.
Does K know of anyone else who has a love for kids and that the kids are comfortable with? I wouldn't send them to S, because of her DH's feelings in the matter. K's best friend sounds like she would be ideal. Not knowing how much money the kids will inherit, I don't know if it would be enough to raise the kids. However, since K's best friend already has 6 kids, I'm sure she's use to working around the financial issues. Where there's a will, there's a way. I have a friend who has given birth to 3 kids, but has adopted a total of 8 kids. Money is tight at times, but they make it work and everyone is happy and well adjusted.
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05/05/11, 10:32 PM
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 360
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I'm thinking with the best friend. Living with S they either need to be split up or live with a man who doesn't really want them. It would seem to me that even if S takes the oldest 2 they will know their younger siblings weren't welcome. Seems they have had enough trauma then to have to deal with that too.
Of course I'm sure there's other things to consider. That was my first thought when reading this though.
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05/05/11, 11:59 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,528
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It should have been brought up to the husband BEFORE they got married, but since it wasn't, his wishes MUST now come first! Kids should not be brought into any family unless all the parties agree to it! That would not be a happy life for the kids and might eventually end up in a divorce which would not be a good thing for any of the kids involved. There's no good solution as posted but perhaps there is something else out there for these kids. Splitting them up is not ideal, but it might happen anyway if no one else is willing to take them as is.
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05/06/11, 07:45 AM
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More dharma, less drama.
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: Texas Coastal Bend/S. Missouri
Posts: 30,482
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A judge will probably put them all into the foster care system.
__________________
Alice
* * *
"No great thing is created suddenly." ~Epictitus
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05/06/11, 07:47 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Florida Bound
Posts: 12,430
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alice In TX/MO
A judge will probably put them all into the foster care system.
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Unfortunately, I think Alice is right
__________________
I am sure of two things: There is a God, and I am not Him.
The movie Rudy
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05/06/11, 08:22 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 8,960
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KnowOneSpecial
If you were the judge, where would you send the kids?
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They would go into foster care. The friend is hardly making ends meet as it is. Her first responsibility is to her own children. She shouldn't get 5 extra kids. And the kids themselves deserve better than to end up in a home with S and husband where they are not wanted. It would break up that marriage, put strain on that family who has their own 2 children that they must care for.
The 5 children K adopted would end up in foster care, and be put back up for adoption. They couldn't go to either of the other homes because it would not be in their best interest nor in the other families best interests.
__________________
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
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05/06/11, 08:41 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 2,635
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WOW!!!
Looks like a judge will make the determination.
A good deed gone awry unfortunately.
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05/06/11, 08:42 AM
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Unreality star
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 9,894
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They lose their mother, and now will lose each other. What a horrible situation.
__________________
Recognize the beauty in things, in creation, even when thats difficult to do.
Be loving, show compassion. Create while we're here.
Enjoy this life, be in this life but not be of it.
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05/06/11, 08:50 AM
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..where do YOU look?
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: northcentral WI
Posts: 3,918
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Any promise made - by a Christian - is a vow made before God.
There are too many questions remaining, and I feel it's best to say that I will be praying hard for these kids and families.
R
__________________
When faced with issues in life, where do you look for the problem; out the window, or in the mirror?
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05/06/11, 08:56 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: middle GA
Posts: 16,654
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alice In TX/MO
A judge will probably put them all into the foster care system.
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Not if she has a will made up with an appointed guardian.
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05/06/11, 09:33 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: KY
Posts: 386
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Such a sad situation. I think if my sister agreed to care for my children before she married my BIL she would honor that promise. And vice-versa. I am the appointed guardian for most of my nieces and nephews should anything happen to my siblings. My DH wouldn't necessarily enjoy the added responsibility but that's what family does. We have 3 children of our own but if he balked or even remotely threatened to bail on my nieces and nephews, I would imagine I could resolve the complaints pretty easily without having to flat out disobey him. This is what family does and the Lord will never put more on us than we can handle. Would K take in her sister's children without hesitation should the situation have been reversed? Would K have adopted 5 children if she weren't confident in the support of her family? It sounds like she tried to do all the right things; giving these kids a family, and making arrangements for them "just in case". My husband's anxiety would not excuse us from familial obligations and certainly anxiety can be overcome while cancer is a bit harder to control.
I don't think a judge would allow the kids to be placed in a home where they are not wanted by one parent or in a home where financial resources would be strained(esp. in a case involving children with special needs) but I have trouble wrapping my brain around how this particular case would even have to be decided by a judge. I guess it's one of those things you'll never truly understand unless you've been there.
Last edited by hobbyfarmer; 05/06/11 at 09:39 AM.
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05/06/11, 10:12 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: south Carolina
Posts: 628
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I also do not understand why a judge has to get involved? If K is still alive she has time to make a decision for her kids – it would be the best final gift she can give them to be sure they are together in a family that wants them. K should talk with her friend and tell her how much insurance money there is to see if that would enable the friend to be able to take the kids without negatively affecting her own family. If it is enough they can draw up the legal papers in one day, many lawyers who handle wills and estate issues will go to the hospital / hospice or wherever the client is. K still has the power to decide where the insurance money goes greedy family or no.
A crowded but loving home is far better than being split up and the foster care system!
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05/06/11, 10:25 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 8,249
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Does K have a will? If she's able she'd better make one now. She could put her first choice for caregiver and then a second and then a third. She should also put her money into an account for her children. She could name an administrator for that money. Can a lawyer visit her ASAP? Why will the family get the money?
If there's not a family whose willing to take all the kids then they'll have to be split up. I cannot see how it'd be good for the children to be cared for by a man who is saying he would be overwhelmed by caring for the kids. I think S's hubby is brave to tell everybody now that he just cannot do it.
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Moms don't look at things like normal people.
-----DD
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05/06/11, 10:31 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: MO
Posts: 164
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Why hold the husband to a promise his wife made before she knew him? The kids need to go to someone that will love them. In this case, the friend. There's nothing wrong with having lots of kids in the house- I know several families that have 10 or more kids, and they all have the happiest, most well adjusted kids. There will just be more siblings to help share the love. Kids who lose their mother to a trauma like cancer are going to need all the love and support they can get.
Above posters are right- K needs to make a will now today!
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05/06/11, 10:46 AM
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Ouch! Pinch you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,868
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K needs a will yesterday. Whoever loves K and those children must move immediately to get her a good family and estate attorney to make the will to protect the children. Spend a few hundred dollars on a good one and get it done. It will be the best money ever spent on those kids.
Hopefully a new adoptive family can be found. S and her husband are clearly not a viable choice. S's husband is saying no. The children might be in danger if K and S ignore that. Let's pray for a good foster family that will be willing to keep the children together.
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05/06/11, 11:14 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 614
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The life insurance policy should state who the money goes to. In the case of minors it can be put in a trust or left to their guardian. K should talk to an attorney asap and her insurance agent. The children may also be eligible for social security benefits from their mom if her work history is enough. That could help the best friend to care for them but it is still a lot to put on her since she has so many children of her own.
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05/06/11, 11:16 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Northern Alabama
Posts: 767
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I agree that a will is the most important thing. Putting it off and letting the courts decide is not the best way to go. In our will, we named the guardian for our daughter, and then had a trust set up with a seperate person that we trusted to handle the money for her, to make sure there are two sets of eyes on it all. It is hard when you have a hard time finding a suitable guardian for your kids. In our case, we didn't have any family members that we could agree on taking her so we named a very good friend who is almost like family. I definately wouldn't suggest the sister, because the husband is obviously not willing to take on the burden, even though the sister had agreed previously.
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05/06/11, 11:36 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Beautiful SW PA
Posts: 2,209
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Quote:
Originally Posted by longshadowfarms
It should have been brought up to the husband BEFORE they got married, but since it wasn't, his wishes MUST now come first!
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I'm not seeing where it says he didn't know. In fact, by writing that "he now has cold feet" it implies that he was okay with it at one time.
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05/06/11, 11:46 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Northern Alabama
Posts: 767
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To be fair, there is a difference between theoretical taking care of kids and actually having them and dealing with the reality. Having kids of your own can be an eye-opening experience for sure. It is possible that he realizes the work that kids are now and that he wouldn't be up to taking care of so many kids. Going from taking care of two kids to six is quite a change, especially with some of the kids being special needs. It's better that this comes out now instead of after K is gone and they have the kids and something bad happens.
Just wondering, the kids were adopted over a span of four years and S has been married for four years. Were all of the kids adopted before S got married?
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