baby shower 4mo early

mekasmom · #1 04/19/11, 09:55 AM

My DIL's sister is having a baby shower for her. I am thrilled at having another grandbaby. But..... DIL is only 5mo along. I just don't feel comfortable with them having the shower now. I don't want to hurt DIL though. I'm going to drop off some t-shirts,diapers for the baby, but not get a lot right now. We will get the baby a lot of things when he/she is born, just not now. We don't know what gender the baby will be. And, as awful as it sounds, things can happen. I lost a baby at 38wks, so I know things can happen even in late pregnancy. It's just heartbreaking to have a room all set up with lots of pretty things, then have to take them down with no baby to fill your arms.

Would you explain this to your son/DIL or just say, "here's a small gift for now, and we will get some special things when we know if this is a boy/girl". IMO, it's just way to early for a shower. Even if you have a welcoming shower two or three weeks after birth, it's better than early, IMO. Because things can happen that are not always good.

This is their first baby, although some of our other children have babies. And they are so excited. I think that is why it is so very early for a shower.

Cannon_Farms · #2 04/19/11, 10:08 AM

the just in case is what receipts are for. I cant speak on the formalities on this, Im pregnant with my 5th child and have never had a shower, however I can understand your feelings of being scared for the what ifs but dont let cloud this time for them. I think you have a great way of handling it.
I do know that if I was ever given a shower I would have wanted it a bit early because that way I could plan out what I needed and buy a little at a time, as it is now, we dont know the sex but I do have clothes for both sexes however we have to do the whole gear thing over again.

Our Little Farm · #3 04/19/11, 10:08 AM

I imagine she is so excited that she wants to get everything ready. She has the nesting instinct and is probably getting the nursery ready. I did the same with my 1st child! I had the room ready to go at 6 months pregnant, and you know what? It was a good idea. At that time in your trimester you have a lot of energy, can move things about easily and then once everything is done, you can relax and enjoy being pregnant.

It may also be DIL sister that is pushing for it, she may be excited too!

I would go, giving gifts that you want to give, maybe saying that you want to get something when he/she is born, but be excited for them too!

10kids · #4 04/19/11, 10:13 AM

Yeah, this is early, but I'm sure they are just very excited and I, personally, would not say anything. I would buy things that could be used for either and celebrate with them. Congratulations! Grandbabies are the BEST!!

Melissa · #5 04/19/11, 10:49 AM

By all means, just give a momento at this point and give them something else later, especially if you don't know if it is a boy or girl. I think 2-3 months beforehand is a good time to have a shower, but maybe there was some reason to have it early, like a certain friend or relative who could only attend then?

mommymushbrain · #6 04/19/11, 12:47 PM

Mekasmom, the loss of a child is very devastating. But don't let that affect this! I mean, using your thoughts, why buy the child anything at all because something bad could happen when s/he is 1, 2, 3, 9, 10???

Be there and celebrate this time!

Pink_Carnation · #7 04/19/11, 02:05 PM

With my first I had friends that had a mini baby shower for me when I was only about 4 months along. They enjoyed making a fuss and it was nice to have a few things ready so I felt a little more prepared. These same people were part of a bigger shower later as well. The gifts at the first were mainly just clothing and at the second they went together on some bigger gifts.

hintonlady · #8 04/19/11, 02:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mekasmom

It's just heartbreaking to have a room all set up with lots of pretty things, then have to take them down with no baby to fill your arms.

Been there done that more than I want to remember.

Don't imagine for a second that the parents to be will understand your lack of enthusiasm. It's nice for them to be excited and naive, bless their hearts for it. Only some folks understand that need to wait...there is no way to explain it to those who don't. Some people even get a little miffed by that reality check.

Must be nice too is all I can say.

Do what feels right for you. If all they are concerned with is the size of gift I wouldn't put much thought into their opinion anyway.

Joshie · #9 04/19/11, 02:53 PM

I think you need to attend. Her feelings will be terribly hurt and you really don't want to deal with that for the rest of your life. There's no way you can refuse without hurting her feelings. I'd take something little and very practical like diapers and onesies. Receipts are wonderful but there's usually a time limit on returns and four months is a very long time.

I don't get why they'd want a shower now but they do and there's nothing you can do about it.

Sonshine · #10 04/19/11, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cannon_Farms

the just in case is what receipts are for. I cant speak on the formalities on this, Im pregnant with my 5th child and have never had a shower, however I can understand your feelings of being scared for the what ifs but dont let cloud this time for them. I think you have a great way of handling it.
I do know that if I was ever given a shower I would have wanted it a bit early because that way I could plan out what I needed and buy a little at a time, as it is now, we dont know the sex but I do have clothes for both sexes however we have to do the whole gear thing over again.

Receipts are good, but if you just lost a baby, you sure don't want to have to go through a bunch of receipts and return baby items. Believe me, I've had plenty of experience in this department.

Sonshine · #11 04/19/11, 03:24 PM

I would do what you mentioned, get something small for now, and let her know that you'll have more at a later date.

jen74145 · #12 04/19/11, 03:30 PM

On the other side, I have friends who have lost babies and been saddened that there is only a tiny dress and pair of socks to hold onto.

And, some people choose not to find out the gender. She'd know by five months, anyway, if she were finding out. Go, smile, bring the baby what you want, and tell her you want to get the baby some clothes/gear but are waiting to hear gender... just try not to let your disapproval show, y'know?

I would absolutely not risk offending a pregnant DIL. The MIL?DIL dance can be so touchy to begin with... not always, but I'm sure you know what you mean.

mekasmom · #13 04/19/11, 03:38 PM

I wouldn't be rude to her or show her disapproval about the shower at all. I just worry for them. She tried for so long to have a baby. It's just too early. Too many things could happen. We love them, and don't want anything to hurt them.
I think we are just going to drop off some diapers and t-shirts at this point.

mekasmom · #14 04/19/11, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hintonlady

Been there done that more than I want to remember.

I'm sorry. I think, once you have lost a child so close to birth, you think differently than other people. You always know that something bad could happen no matter how unexpected it would be.
I'm sorry you went through this.

Joshie · #15 04/19/11, 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mekasmom

I wouldn't be rude to her or show her disapproval about the shower at all. I just worry for them. She tried for so long to have a baby. It's just too early. Too many things could happen. We love them, and don't want anything to hurt them.
I think we are just going to drop off some diapers and t-shirts at this point.

I agree that it's too early for a shower but if you just drop stuff off they're going to be hurt. They will feel you like you disapprove. I really think it'd be a really big mistake if you miss this shower.

Ruby · #16 04/19/11, 08:18 PM

Please attend the shower, don't just drop off the diapers. Your being there will show support. I remember when I found out I was pregnant for the first time I was very excited.

If it were my DIL I think I would attend and let her know when she gets closer to delivery maybe suggest another shower for the things she don't get now. Either way please attend the shower.

hintonlady · #17 04/19/11, 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mekasmom

I'm sorry. I think, once you have lost a child so close to birth, you think differently than other people. You always know that something bad could happen no matter how unexpected it would be.
I'm sorry you went through this.

I'm sorry you felt the sting yourself.

I never did quite get back to who I was before, neither did my marriage. I guess you just learn the new normal.

I would worry for her too, especially since you said she had been trying awhile...makes me cringe...only because I understand what you mean.

One thing I learned that helps, go ahead and celebrate. A loss is a loss no matter how much you try to brace yourself. Packing or the lack there of doesn't change the tears.

Is it possible you are bracing yourself, maybe you are afraid to be excited, to get attached to the idea?

I know when my girls get the special talk pre puberty that it will include a lot more information, warnings etc then the average birds and bees. So many people have troubles but no one talks about it. I want my girls to know the potential risks and trials of the child bearing years.

I wish someone had sat me down and explained them to me...