Moving on with life

As many of you know, my wife died in February. I posted it here along with a link to a short video tribute I posted for some of her family members. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of sympathy and prayers from HT members. Thank you, each and every one. This post is not about sympathy, its about moving on.

Betty had her colon perforated during a colonoscopy. There was the initial peritonitis, E. Coli, and so on. Over the next nine months repeated rounds of infections, and the eventual organ failure which led respiratory arrests, cardiac arrests and the inevitable day that I had to sign an agreement to take her off life support. The entire nine months was devastating beyond belief.

We were together for 8 years or so in the 80's, had an on and off relationship for 10 years or so, and spent every minute of the last 10 years together. So, we were close enough that we could talk about what we should do when one of us died first. We both agreed that the other should go on with life. I loved her dearly and she will always be a part of my life. We grieved together most of the last 9 months of her life, although there were occasional short periods when it actually looked like she might get better. During her last 2 or 3 weeks, she told me things about her death that she couldn't possibly know, yet when that moment came, it was exactly as she described it. I never have liked that sort of stuff, consider it kind of hokey, but its hard to deny what you experience yourself. Pretty easy to deny it when other people say it though. At any rate, she was at rest finally, after being so terribly sick for so long.

For several weeks, I thought I would never get past it. How could something that we prepared for so long be so devastating? It just was. Not only did I grieve for her death, but loneliness settled all around me, and I could feel myself developing the tendency to just sit and wait. Bad business for someone who is usually pretty active. ANYWAY, I knew I had to move on or go crazy. I can't justify taking a set amount of time before snapping back, one because it's not in my nature, two, because she would be really unhappy about me stagnating in grief and self pity, and three, depriving yourself of a basic human need, whether food, water, or companionship is just self destructive and serves no purpose.

So, I set out to get back to that "sweet spot" I've lived in so long. My gardens, my orchard, all seemed empty, I need companionship, I need to share my life with a woman. Like a junkie needs a fix, like a plant needs water. I absolutely worship the woman I'm with(while I'm with her). I just cannot thrive without a woman in my life. I know myself. So, I set out in my usual logical method to see what I could do. I made a list of every quality I had to offer, and every quality I was seeking. assorted by importance. My first need is to be comfortable around somebody. I've been around people I could never relax with them, and that will never work. I think there was about 3 or 4 qualities that would be "make or break" and another 5 or 6 less important. Even though I'm not much to look at, I have always ended up with unusually attractive women, I think it's because I treat them like the queen of France. My daddy taught me that. "Son, always treat your lady twice as good as you want her to treat you" Good advise. So, easy on the eye is in there too.

After I finished my list, realized it basically described my late wife, but also described somebody else I knew. Somebody who already knew me, I wouldn't need to spend months or years proving that I was a really good guy. She already knows it. Everybody in my wife's family had always admired me because, according to them, I was so good to her. So, there you go. I spent a great deal of time wondering "how long should I wait" which gave the answer "if you're ready to think about it, you're ready to do it"

So, what do you guys think? How soon is too soon? How late is too late? How weird is it to be looking hard at the late wife's family members? (my sister, a family lawyer says it happens all the time.) Am I doing something wrong??

[lenii]

and I feel your wife is leading you all the way...be happy.

[Laura Zone 5]

[quote]
So, what do you guys think? How soon is too soon? How late is too late? How weird is it to be looking hard at the late wife's family members? (my sister, a family lawyer says it happens all the time.) Am I doing something wrong??[/quote
Genesis 2:18
The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Genesis 2:24
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

1 Corinthians 7:39
A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. ((Same applies to the husband, if his wife, dies))

You were designed by God to have a wife.
Make sure, that the 'sister' is not "the next best thing" to your wife.....that won't end well.
Look now. You are free from your commitment, and you were designed to have a helper!!

[springvalley]

Like I had said before, so sorry for your loss. I gather the woman you have your eyes on is a member of your late wifes family ? That could be a bit wierd, but as long as it`s not her daughter, who cares. AS long as your both adults and it hurts no one, it is none of their business. How long is to long? That is up to you, I know people that will never have relations after their spouse dies, and then I know others that have got to have someone in their lives. THis is your call, take it slow, and go from there. Best of luck. > Marc

[newfieannie]

yes, just take it easy Zong. most people will tell you this is too soon. they told me 10 months was too soon and they were right but it was a man i never should have married ever in the first place. only you know what to do. all the best, ~Georgia.

[Shygal]

two months is too soon. I can't even imagine thinking about wanting anyone in my life two months after my spouse died

maybe you think you are ready but I honestly think its just part of the grieving process and moving too fast too soon is heading for disaster.

Yes, members of her family already know me, and like me, and I know them, so, a lot of the initial rough spots in a relationship are already covered.
OK, out of curiosity, why would it be weird if it was her daughter? Not mine of course. And not that I raised any of her children, we never saw them together(part of her child custody agreement, in 1983 or so)

[Oggie]

Zong, again, I am so sorry about the loss of your wife.

And, I can only guess at how you might feel. I am glad that your pain seems to have eased a bit.

60 or so days does seem like a short time.

But, how could I possibly know what is right for you and a woman about whom I know even less.

I hope you find joy and peace on your walk, in both the grand and the small.

Thank you for responding to me Shygal. Its often difficult for me to separate the sentiments on politics and GC from real life. You're way ahead of me on that count, and I'm slowly backing away from politics in my thought.

But ... I understand exactly what you're saying and it wasn't even 2 months when I realized I couldn't go on in this manner. One thing, I could see myself sitting here day after day, and eventually fall into serious drinking, something that I wouldn't handle well at all. Or just sitting and staring, which I've done a lot. I sit in the gazebo, and stare back at the front door, where she use to come out and check on me. I sit in the house and stare at the front door, where she use to come in after her walk up to the paved road and back(smoking a cigaret like she thought I didn't know). I feel loneliness and despair are setting a table to dine off my spirit. I don't want to be lunch!! I don't see a choice. Move on now, or unravel now.
ETA:: WE both grieved together and settled everything between ourselves for the 9 months leading to her death. Really, we did. I just didn't think that the very end would be so severe on me. It released her from her misery, but made mine more real, because I could no longer hope. Even at that, I know it was better for her than what she'd been through. And she really and truly would never want to see me in the state I've been in.

[simplefarmgirl]

Only you can know,, you have to follow your heart, when your ready, you will know. As you said your late wife would not want you to suffer and be unhappy. Be true to yourself and all else will fall into place. Be honest to make sure its not just lonileness drawing to another right now. That wouldnt be fair in the end to next one. Good luck

[jen74145]

I'm very torn as to what I think; grief is ugly and can lead to looking for instant "fix", you know?

On the other... well, you know you best. Perhaps grief counseling or a support group for a bit?

I've seen folks marry out of the lonliness grief brings and it has always been a trainwreck; granted, they were not emotionally healthy themselves at all, and made poor choices of mate.

But... were I gone, I would want my husband to find a good woman to be there for him and our son. What do those closest to you say?

[SFM in KY]

Everyone is going to give you a different answer ... but I suspect very few people will have had exactly the same experience and had to make this kind of decision. I haven't had to make a decision like this although I have had to deal with losses and looking back, some of the decisions I made were probably bad decisions and others worked, like all other decisions you make in your life.

I don't think there is either a 'right' or a 'wrong' decision for you to make at this point, you will only discover that in the future ... probably months or even years from now.

So no "it's too early" or "go for it" recommendations on my part, will only wish both of you the best whatever that decision is.

[Kshobbit]

I advised my younger brother to wait a year before making any major changes in his life, when his wife of many years died suddenly and unexpectedly.. As usual he did not, sold his house, moved to another city to be with a lady he liked. He had a very rocky time for a couple of years but finally they(new girlfriend/wife and his kids) got it all worked out. He is happy now.
My oldest brother lost his wife to a tragic accident three years ago and still hasn't recovered fully. He is alone, lonely and bitter. I wish he could find someone.
Life is too short to be so unhappy and lonely. Wishing you all the best.

[Tiempo]

Nobody else can tell you what's best for you Zong, especially those who don't know you.

I wish you happiness.

My immediate family members(I only have my children and my sister) all know that I'm pretty well founded in logic, so they're all good with it. In complete, and unanimous support. When I showed them my 15 or so pages of reasons pro and con, explanations, the all important "What I like about her" stuff, well, its hard to argue with that. On the other hand, I ran the idea across a couple of her family members, one warned me of "getting hurt" (what is she gonna do, back over me while she's turning around in the driveway?) the other thought it was weird, but good. I get the feeling they might be as happy if I just sort of turned into an old man, and faded away. Ain't no happening there.

Thank you Tiempo, I'm not going to make a decision based on what other people think, but I do trust you guys to be honest with me, its possible that because I'm in the storm I can't really see how bad or not bad the storm is. Just needing input from people that aren't driven by their own inter-family agendas. You know, like "Lets not make Daddy mad" or "How dare he desecrate my momma's memory?" Sort of stuff

[Ardie/WI]

Originally Posted by Shygal

two months is too soon. I can't even imagine thinking about wanting anyone in my life two months after my spouse died

maybe you think you are ready but I honestly think its just part of the grieving process and moving too fast too soon is heading for disaster.

Oy vey, so do I!

Merciful heavens, slow down! The lady in question will not disappear in the next year!

You need time, a lot of time.grieving doesn't ever end, really and you have only just begun.....

[jen74145]

Grief is hard to handle from the opposite end too. It's hard to coach a spouse through a loss... the loss of the woman who came before could be tricky to navigate.

Why not just be good friends with her for a year or so? Go to a support group or counselor, work your gardens, get a dog or cat if your house seems empty.

If she is the one for you, she'll be there in a year's time. If not, another will come along. My grandmother was widowed in 1989. She remarried in 1993, to the wrong man for the wrong reasons, she's said so herself. She was lonely and scared, so the nice guy of average size she had been dating was replaced with a physically powerful man who was the WRONG, glaringly WRONG, man for her. She went through nine years of misery until she left him... for the man she had her first date with in 1952. Are they happy? Well, she has mental problems from age now, and I think they both married out of lonliness. They fight and snipe at each other and say they thought the other would be dead by now... ahem.

I have seen my dad jump into bad relationship after bad, for the wrong reasons... he's never taken time to grieve healthily. Lonliness is horrible, but being married to the wrong person is worse! You make each other miserable and it goes down in flames. You don't want to lose a good friend too, you know?

[Tracy Rimmer]

Originally Posted by zong

During her last 2 or 3 weeks, she told me things about her death that she couldn't possibly know, yet when that moment came, it was exactly as she described it. I never have liked that sort of stuff, consider it kind of hokey, but its hard to deny what you experience yourself. Pretty easy to deny it when other people say it though.

I had this same experience with my mother. I always thought it was sentimental "wishing", too -- until I experienced it. Don't dismiss it -- I truly believe that some people see what is going to happen to them before it happens at the end, and sees those waiting for them on the other side. If it were frightening or uncomfortable, I think I would question it more, but every single instance I have been told of, and my own, were comforting and peaceful experiences, and that tells me that something was at work showing my mother that there was nothing to be frightened of -- not an end to her existence, merely a change in her physical self.

So, what do you guys think? How soon is too soon? How late is too late? How weird is it to be looking hard at the late wife's family members? (my sister, a family lawyer says it happens all the time.) Am I doing something wrong??

I don't think so -- my father was with someone "new" within six months of my mother's death. It didn't mean he loved her any less, IMHO -- as a matter of fact, I choose to think that it shows how very much he *DID* love her, he wanted more of that experience, not loneliness. Had their marriage been difficult, he probably would have been wary of getting involved again, he wasn't, because they had been so very happy together. He was frightened to tell me, because my mother and I were particularly close, and he thought I'd object. I was just happy to see HIM happy again. I don't ever want to see him a low as he was after my mother's death -- THAT bothered me. My stepmother made him laugh again, and while I sometimes wish she were more like my mom (she's the polar OPPOSITE of my mother ) he's happy, and that makes me happy.

However, I will say one thing: your post seems to indicate that the woman you are considering approaching is a family member to your wife -- I can only assume a sister or a cousin. Please be careful. It has been only a few months since your wife's passing, and you may be seeing qualities in this relative based on the superficial, and making assumptions about who she really is because of her relationship with your wife. I'm not saying you are, just that it would be unfortunate, long term, if this was the case.

Get to know her for HER. Spend some time with her, certainly there is nothing wrong with that, but hold off on moving the relationship forward too quickly. Just for your own peace of mind and long-term happiness.

I wish you joy, Zong. If anyone deserves happiness, I think it might be you. I wish you lived nearer -- I know a woman who is a lovely, giving, joyful person, who has never found a man who treats her as well as she deserves. I'd introduce you

[Hisgoodgirl]

I wish you great peace and comfort in the hopes that your wife is at home with The Father.

However, I feel as others seem to, that you are rushing things greatly and will lead yourself down a path of sin and heartbreak. There is a reason the older generations waited a year and a day to even begin courting again after the loss of a spouse. We are designed to be partnered and cherished by our partner for our own skills and talents not because we are simply a warm body. A hurried marriage may be acceptable if a father is left with very young children but that does not seem to be the case in your life. Physical needs may be repressed through prayer and meditation, by giving yourself fully to a task at hand, whether a job, a garden or volunteer work.

Life is not a train ride, we do not make short stops with a person and then move on to the next one even many animals grieve for their lost mates for more than two months and we, as beings built in the image of Our Creator, should give more time to those that we claim to love.

May you find your comfort.