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Old 07/06/10, 08:57 AM
Reptyle's Avatar
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Old joke...You're a Jerk

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.


You're a Jerk
Part 1


Well, I was sitting at my desk
taking a break
when I remembered a phone call
I had to make.

I dialed the number
and reached some fellow
a man who answered
saying, “hello.”

“this is Patrick,”
I politely said,
“and could I please speak
to Robin Redd?”

he slammed the phone
down on me!
I can’t believe how rude
some people can be.
well, I tracked down Robin
and gave her a call
I had transposed two digits
that was all.

after talking to Robin
I was still mad as thunder
at the guy on the phone
so I redialed his number.

I dialed 842-9842.

the same man answered
in a harsh baritone.
I yelled, “you’re a jerk!”
and hung up the phone.

next to his number
I wrote the word “jerk,”
put it in a desk drawer
and went back to work.

every couple of weeks
on a really bad day
I would call him up
and wait for him to say

that surly, “hello,”
and then I’d yell,
'you’re a jerk!”
it made me feel swell.

I’d call 842-9842.

later in the year
I worried about Caller ID.
I’d have to stop calling
disappointing for me.

I stewed and I stormed
‘til I knew just how to go.
I dialed his number
and heard him say, “hello.”

(disguised voice) “I’m with Pacific Bell.
my name is Frank Burgess.
are you familiar
with our Caller ID service?’

he screamed, “no!” hung up.
my god, he went berserk!
I called him back and said,
“that’s because, you’re a jerk!”

842-9842.

I told you this story
to help you keep your wits.
If something really bothers you
take care of it!

dial 842-9842.

You're a Jerk
Part 2


The old lady at the mall really took her time
pulling out of her parking space.
I thought that she was never gonna leave
so that I could take her place.

I backed up a little, and then a little more,
to give her big car plenty of room.
“great,” I thought, “she’s finally leaving.
I’ll be in there pretty soon.”

all of a sudden, this black Camaro,
like a comet from outer space
came flying up on her other side
and grabbed my parking place.

I honked my horn and I honked it again,
while under my breath I cursed,
“you can’t do that, buddy!” I yelled at him,
“’cause I was here first?”

this guy climbed out of his Camaro
pretending I was a tree.
he walked towards the mall
eyes straight ahead
completely ignoring me.

I thought, “this guy’s a jerk, too.”
in his car’s window was a sign that said, “FOR SALE.”
I wrote down his number for future reference
on a piece of junk mail.

a few days later, I was sitting at home
taking a break from work.
I had just finished calling 842-9842
and yelling, “you’re a jerk!”

842-9842.

it’s real easy
to call the jerk now
since I put his number
on my speed dial.

then I found a phone number.
I knew what I could do
the guy with the Camaro
I’d call this guy too.

three rings later
a man answered the phone,
“I’m calling about the black Camaro
that you own.”

“where can I see it?”
“it’s parked in front
802 West 4th Street,”
he said with a grunt.

I asked him his name.
he answered, “Don Malone.”
“well, Don, you’re a jerk!”
and I slammed down the phone!

802 West 4th Street.
Yeah,
802 West 4th Street.

after I hung up
with a chuckle and a smile
I added Don’s number
to my list on speed dial.

for a month or two
my problems seemed small
‘cause when things went wrong
I had two jerks I could call.

I’d call them at 2.
I’d call them at 4.
when they’d go to bed
I’d call them some more.

I’d call all the time
and just as a lark
I even taught my dog
to hit the speed dial
and bark.

842-9842.

and now there’s
Don Malone at
802 West 4th Street.

after months of calling
and hanging up the phone
it became an obligation
not the thrill I had known.

gave the problem some thought
came up with a plan
dialed Jerk #1
and when I heard the man

I yelled, “you’re a jerk!”
but didn’t hang up.
when he said, “hey, you!”
I responded, “yup!”

“stop calling me!” he growled
his voice got really low -
I waited just a second and
answered him – “no!”

he said, “what’s your name, pal?”
I answered, “Don Malone –
802 West 4th Street –
and I’m calling from home.”

“my black Camaro’s parked in front
right on the street.
come on over, jerk –
I think we gotta meet.”

“I’m coming to get you, right now – Don.”
“like I’m really scared of you!
you’re a jerk!” I added – then hung up
and called Jerk…number…2.

when he answered the phone
I said, “hello, Jerk!”
I couldn’t help it
I started to smirk.

“I’ll kick your butt!” he said.
“well, here’s your chance, clown.
I’m coming right over!”
and I set the phone down.

…..I called the police,
“tell your cops on the beat….
a big fight’s goin’ down at
802 West 4th Street…

packed a quick picnic.
needed something to eat.
drove down to West 4th
and parked across the street.

10 police cars, attack dogs, a helicopter,
and a swat team all around.
they had those 2 guys
cuffed and down.

that fall I received a letter.
could hardly believe my eyes.
I was called for jury duty
it was those same two guys!

I was the jury foreman.
our justice system works.
we found the defendants…guilty
and a couple of jerks…

842-9842.
that’s area code 405.
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  #2  
Old 07/06/10, 09:35 AM
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Haha! I'd never actually do that, but it would be tempting!

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Old 07/06/10, 09:43 AM
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Location: A woods in Wisconsin
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Helping out an old friend


had my coffee to my left,
paper on the other side,
as I sipped and perused,
the…classified.

Toyota Camry for sale,
blue,
1993,
under 20,000 miles.
this sounded good to me.

maybe too good,
maybe it's sold.
my mouth got dry,
my coffee grew cold,

as I dialed the number,
tapping my shoe,
as I realized it was,
(405) 842-9842.

that number seemed so familiar.

"hello!" said a man,
his voice…gruff and cold.
"I'm calling about the Camry -
is it already sold?"

"I sold it last week!"
he went berserk.
I thought to myself,
"HEY, THAT'S THE JERK!"

"so call the paper.
spend a dime.
cancel the ad.
save us both some time!"

"it's almost expired.
just leave me alone!"
he finished his screaming,
and slammed down the phone.

so, I called the paper.
it's the kind thing to do.
"this is Julie," someone answered.
"can I help you?"

"my ad for the Camry -
I'm renewing it,
for two more weeks,
and…cut the price a bit."

"from $13,000 to…$8,000,
and ad a line,
call until 2 A.M.,
let ring,
a long…long…time."

"no problem, sir.
that's two weeks more.
do you want this on your VISA,
as we've done before?"

"yeah, that'd be great,
and I've a favor to ask,
my dog chews my paper,
when it's thrown on the grass."

"have the paperboy,
with all his might,
throw it on the roof,
way out of sight."

----------
I was in a bad mood,
really feeling blue.
my girlfriend dumped me.
I dialed (405) 842-9842.
a familiar voice said,
"hello."

"this is Eric from the paper.
you placed a classified ad.
I'm calling to see if you're happy,
with the results you've had."

"you idiot!" the jerk screamed.
"you ran my ad for two extra weeks!"
"I'm sorry, sir,
for causing you trouble,
I'll issue you a refund,
on the double."

"I'll do it now,
it won't be hard.
what's the number,
of your credit card?"

he gave me his number,
and the expiration date,
then slammed down the phone,
still irate.

I felt a lot better,
and thought I might try,
to patch things up with my girlfriend,
'cause I'm that kind of guy.

sent her candy and flowers,
and a bottle of wine.
I didn't stop,
I was feeling fine.

sent her to Paris,
to see the Mona Lisa,
and I charged it all,
on the Jerk's VISA

----------
it was one of those mornings,
when everything turns bad.
tried to open frozen orange juice,
and broke off the tab.

tried a pair of pliers,
they sort of worked,
but splattered orange juice,
all over…my new white shirt.

"calm down," I thought,
"some things always work."
I picked up the phone,
and called the jerk.

a recording came on,
it made me nervous,
"this number is
no longer in service."

I called Ma Bell,
thought I'd give it a try,
"(405) 842-9842 has been disconnected,
and I want to know why."

"$153.24,
is the exact amount,
it's what's owed,
on the account."

"oh man,
well, let's see,
I'll pay that right now,
it's worth it to me."

sure glad I had the
jerk's credit card number!
that's VISA card
number 4901 93…

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Old 07/06/10, 11:17 AM
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Northern Ontario
Posts: 1,713

LOL That is funny!

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  #5  
Old 07/06/10, 11:57 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Dwelling in the state of Confusion - but just passing thru...
Posts: 7,309
Uhhhhhh,,,,,,I hate to say this, but there maybe more

Quote:
Originally Posted by Reptyle View Post
842-9842.
that’s area code 405.[/CENTER]
*************************************
than just a 'cute' story here. Something told me to do a reverse phone check on
that number. It's a REAL NUMBER in Oklahoma folks!!! Says that it's unpublished......
hmmmm......wonder if the guy who has the number, has been getting a bunch
of unsolicited calls lately???? No wonder he's a jerk.......


Unpublished
(405) 842-9842
is from Britton, OK
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