Please Help... In-laws... 8-(

[Jenni979]

For those of you who don't know, DH and I are expecting our 1st child (a little girl).

She is technically due August 6th, but our doctor would like to deliver her 2+ weeks early as she is already a really large baby, and she is still breech...

Now, on to the problem...

My in-laws have been gathering "things" for the baby... They won't tell us exactly what they have( they aren't gifts, so much as hand-me-downs, so I don't see the point in not telling us) and we have no idea what we need to still buy to be prepped for our little girl.

They are about 10 hours away from us and they want my DH (they couldn't care less about seeing me) to drive to them, visit for a week, collect the baby stuff and then drive home.

Well, DH just started a new job here, about 3 months ago, and there is NO way that he will be able to take a week off to visit them, knowing that he will need to take time off, literally, days later when our baby is born. His days off are in the middle of the week (Weds & Thurs) and his family is ----ed that he can't change his days off to the actual weekend...

So, we priced flights from us to them, priced rental trucks (because they are making it sound like they have tons of stuff that wont fit in our SUV, even though they refuse to let us know what they have so we can better plan)... DH calls them to tell them all this...

We picked a few dates that work for DH, as in his days off, and that are before the baby will be here and do not interfere with birthing classes, etc... His family FREAKED OUT!!! They want to take vacagtion at that time (they aren't going anywhere!!! They will be staying home, but don't want to have to "do anything"!!!)

So, now they TOLD us, "You will be coming the week after that." Ummmm, the week after that I will be induced... So, they say that DH should just come then...

OMG, they really want him to be gone the entire week I am supposed to be delivering our baby!!! Like it is really no big deal!!!

I feel like they are being completely selfish! How can they really expect him to miss the birth of his only child just so he doesn't bother them on their day off?

But, this is the same woman who said "I wish I could be excited about this, but no-one even bothered to consult me..." when her son told him that we were pregnant...

It also really bothers me that they won't let us know what they have for the baby... I am to the point where I think we should just buy EVERYTHING we need ourselves and be done with it.

It will end up costing us, at least, $500 to get DH to his family and get him back home... I feel like if we are not getting at least $500 in baby gear, then it doesn't make sense to go.

PS- These same people expect us to go back to where they live the 2nd week in August for a family reunion... With a 2 week old baby...

I also have to add that they entire time DH was in the Army (over 10 years) they never once came to visit him... Even before and after deployments, they still expected OUR family to come to them... They borrow money and never pay it back, but then pay $250 EACH for Bonnaroo tickets...

DH had to medically retire from the Army because his back was injured during his last deplyment and they had a screaming fit at him because he told them that he could not paint his sister's (she is 21) bedroom because it would hurt his back too much.

You also missed all the drama with our baby's name... Her name will be Emily Jele (pronounced YAY-la). The DH chose Emily and Jele is after my Grandmother (it's basically Croatian for Helen)... His family freaked out! They hate Jele because it "isn't even American!" We were also told "There will be no Jele in OUR (meaning THEIR) family... This went on for weeks. Finally they started posting about it on FaceBook...

So, I lost it and told them that, although we do value some input, when it comes down to it... It's none of their business. They wanted us to name our daughter Jett!!! Okay, that is SO much better than Emily Jele, right???

So, then they started trying to tell me that DH calls them all the time and tells them how miserable he is with me and how he wishes we never got married...

I lost my mind... I was 30 weeks pregnant and a sobbing mess... DH was FUMING! DH was ready to go to Tennessee (where they live) and have it out with them.

Sorry for the looooong vent... I just don't know what to do...

I know that DH loves his family, even though he really doesn't "like" them most of the time, but I think they are toxic people... and I would really rather them not be around our child...

What would you do, if you were in this position???

Thanks!!!

[Rocktown Gal]

So sorry for everything you are going through...it is not necessary.

I would take the $500 it would take the hubby to go home and purchase the necessary items that you need for your little girl. How do you know they even have anything? It sounds like they really do not like you and that they really just want the hubby to come and visit when the baby is due.

Once again I am sorry for the mess they are creating for you...this should be a happy and joyful time in your life.

[SunsetSonata]

NO WAY NO HOW would I bend over backwards to accommodate demanding people. Frankly I would show that they have no say in your lives. Period. Don't care that they are family. Really.

Seriously, does it matter what THEY want? It's your husband's job to tell them to back off. If you can do it, might be best to get your own supplies to avoid any debt to them whatsoever. Because you will be ungrateful for denying any of their demands, you know.

[Jenni979]

Thanks!

That is what I keep saying to DH: How do we even know that they have ANYTHING?

This would not be the 1st (or even the 99th) time that they have lied about things... They owed (and still do owe) us a a few grand. They came up with the idea that they would pay for our storage (we still have a storage in TN) every month and we could take that off of what they owe us.

Well, each month they would all to tell us how they paid the bill but it was a hassel for them because they had to get a money order because our storage doesn't accept checks, blah, blah, blah...

Well, I had a funky vibe, so I called to check and NOPE, they never made 1 payment! But they DID change pur information with the storage, so that all the bills cam to thier house as well as the calls for collection (so we wouldn't know that they weren't paying, I assume)...

So, we had to wire over $400 to the storage THAT DAY because they were going to auction off our belongings!!!

DH called and asked his mom WTH was wrong with her (almost all the stuff in storage was his Army things... His awards, Class A's and the like. Things that it would KILL him to lose.) She didn't even offer an explanation... Just an "oh well..."

DH told them that we need to get the $$$ they owe us back if they want him to come to visit them... Guess what they said!!! "You should go pawn something..."

I CAN'T wait to tell them "maybe you should go pawn something" the next time they try to borrow $$$ from us! Grrr!!!

[bluefish]

I would also just buy the stuff you need and forget the inlaws. I have some like that, and if yours are anything like mine, they will think they 'own' the baby because they got this stuff for her and it will all go even more downhill from here.

Best of luck and congrats on the baby!!

[gina kay]

I agree with FRF. Take the $500 and buy what you need for that darling baby. I think it's just a way for them to get him to come see them and they may not even have anything for the baby (or not anything worth $500). I wouldn't take the baby to the reunion...that atmosphere wouldn't be good for her to be around...she'd pick up on the tension and be cranky.

[Madame]

This is a power struggle, pure and simple. My suggestion:
DH says he can't visit them, with or w/out you and EJ. No negotiation, flat statement.
He invites them to visit you all in MO (since they still matter to him).
Respond to all 'suggestions' re the name with 'thank you so much for sharing your ideas, we sure do appreciate it'.
As for the baby stuff, something like 'hitting the garage sales this weekend in search of a crib/dresser/whatever' They then know that the carrot being dangled in front of you has lost its appeal.
Above all, don't negotiate, ask them to be reasonable, etc. Just be firm, calm,and don't give in.

[lenii]

I would not go and spend $500 to pick up gifts that they should get to you themselves.If they want you to have the stuff...they should bring it or ship it.

Buy what you need yourself. There are alot of nice baby things at rummage sales too.

You don't need all of this hassle at this time! What mean spirited people.

[SunsetSonata]

I hate to say it, and I never say anything like this lightly, but I think this would be a case where I'd minimize their contact with your baby. Already, they are not going to acknowledge your baby by her given name. Completely disrespectful and different than the cute nicknames that grandparents call their grandkids. Better to nip this festering power struggle in the bud so that your child will not be exposed to such toxic attitudes. Don't let her learn that it's ok to tolerate this, or that this behavior is normal.

[Jenni979]

Oh, they won't come visit us here...

We lived in MO before, when DH was stationed at Fort Leonard Wood and we invited them, but they could never be bothered... They have NO children in the house (their youngest is 21). And they can go to FL several times a year, but coming to see their son, who just got back from 15 months in Iraq was just too much of a hassel. 8-(

I told DH that, even if they had great stuff for the baby, it would have too many strings attached to make it worth it.

I just don't "get" these people... My family just doesn't function like that, and if they did, I would keep far from them... But, DH wants SO badly for them to "love" him that he puts up with so much from them...

DH's mom married a dude (she is still with him) when DH was young and he was abusive as hell to DH. DH's mom just let it happen because a man was (and is) more important than her children (DH's sister was treated the same way.) As soon as DH's mom & this dude had 2 kids of their own, it was like DH & his older sister didn't even exist.

When we lived in TN, it was a really small town and EVERYONE knew one another... I was at the doctor getting some blood work done for the pregnancy and in walked the dude. The nurse was like "HEY DUDE!!! Your daughter-in-law is here, wanna say "hi" to her?" I could hear him say "Well, she's not my DIL, she's Seabron's (that is DH) wife and y'all know he's not mine..."

I WISH I could understand WHY DH still tries so hard for these people....

[Apryl in ND]

WTH is wrong with those people?! Jeeze! They sound like monster-in-laws to me. If these people have borrowed money from you in the past, I sure wouldn't expect whatever they've bought to make an expensive trip to retrieve them worth it. I agree with the previous poster. I'd put the $500 it would cost to make the trip there towards buying what you know you need, NOT what they think you need. Don't let them make you feel like you owe them anything for the gifts either. They sound like very manipulative people that would do something like that.

Why can't they just give you these gifts if you do go to the family reunion??

This is YOUR daughter, not theirs. Raise your child and name her how you want. They had their chance already at being parents, now it's your turn. Don't let them railroad you.

If I were in your shoes (BTW I'm a first time mother. Our daughter is three weeks old) I'd go to the family reunion so they can at least see their grandchild, accept their gifts, then return home and stay away from them as much as possible. Believe me, when you have that little girl your maternal instincts will kick in and you'll have no problem telling them what you think.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with these crazy people right now at a time when your life NEEDS to be as stress free as possible. Congrats on your baby girl.

[Kazahleenah]

I agree. Garage sale what you can find, buy the rest at a store... are you having a baby shower? Sing happily about how much fun it is gathering up all the baby stuff on your facebook. Enjoy your husband and new baby, and just turn away from such mean negativity.

[chewie]

if you cave now, you are setting up a situation that will be even worse next time and oh yes my friend there will be a next time! just say you can't, he can't, and let them fume. use the fact they owe you for leverage if you have to, that usually shuts ppl up. and be happy they are far away! get caller id and just screen them--honestly this is simply not worth it and get your boundaries up now. i didn't and now 17 years later am just now feeling i have my boundaries up enough! dont' fall into that same trap!

you CANNOT reason with this type--you cannot be 'nice enough', 'good enough', anything 'enough' to make them love you, but IT AIN'T YOU!! so let em fume, flame, whatever, just let em do it without you!

they are pros at manipulating, so just write off the 'stuff' they have, they know you want/need it and are using it pretty good. 'stuff' ain't worth this headache, and you dont' even seem very certain there is any 'stuff'! and you're prolly right!

babies dont' need alot to start with, get what you have to, and relax. one of those folding playpens that lock open works fine for a crib/bassinet etc., and will for a long time. a few gowns and onesies, then a couple batches cloth diapers, you're good to go. oh, and the carseat. many counties have programs for carseats too if its a cost problem for you. i bet for less than half you'd be set up enough for those first several weeks. thrift/garage sales are in full swing, you'll do fine!

don't let yourself get all worked up, not good for you or baby!! and that is what should be coming first! they are being terrible, plain and simple! you cannot fix it or change them, but you can change how YOU react to them. just dont'! walk away, in peace and enjoy your new baby. enjoy this time too, its very special so dont' let them ruin it with their hate and ugliness.

[Otter]

Wow.
Overwhelming agreement from everyone.
Just don't play the games.

They are your DH's relatives, so it's kind of his job, but you can give him a script. Like Madame says, it should be short, sweet and pointed.

Hey, we NEED you to come visit us
DH: Sorry, traveling's just not convenient for us. We'll split motel costs if you want to come here.
But Why? CAn't you just reschedule, blah blah blah
DH; Sorry, it's just not convenient.

Oh, we have all this baby stuff for you.
DH: Thanks, we already have everything we need, but we appreciate the gesture.
Well, what do you have.
DH; Oh, we're all set up.

Just be vague, don't give any reasons and keep repeating yourself. It's a power struggle, pure and simple and the best you can do is just keep stonewalling them. Also, don't rely on them for anything, don't ask them for anything and keep forgetting to tell them things or invite them.
No reasons, no explanations, just Oops, we forgot.

There comes a point where you should also just be rude. If someone told me that they couldn't be happy about my baby because I hadn't consulted them first I'd have to say something pithy about not offending them in the future and then changed my # and left no forwarding address.
Just because someone is blood related to you is no reason to keep them in your lives. It's very freeing to realize that

[wwubben]

I would just go ahead with my life and not let those people jack me around.You can tell them what you are going to do and they can either come out and visit and bring the stuff along with them or they can stay home and pout.A man leaves home and stands by his wife----that then puts mother in second place and some mothers have a hard time with that.

[Sara in IN]

Jenni,

Well, my,my,my as a Southern friend was wont to say. "My doctor says I shouldn't plan to travel anywhere beyond a half an hour from the hospital in my last 6 weeks. My doctor also says I shouldn't exert myself either, so DH needs to be here in my 8th and 9th months of pregnancy. My baby's doctor says we can't travel at all for at least a month, just to the doctor's for checkups. The doctors really want for me and the baby to have a healthy start, so after the baby is 6 weeks old we'd love to have you come visit."

Seriously, has your DH considered a divorce . . . from his parents ?
Sounds like they need a boot camp to learn to grow up -- or time in the stockade.

$500 goes a long way at garage sales. Light sleepers and onesies are what the kidlet will live in until October. The kidlet is a baby, not a doll - a few fancy outfits, but when the kidlet goes through 6 changes of clothes on some days, cheap is good. Crib, bedding, 3mo size clothes, some 6 mo size clothes, changing table, dresser, a rocker for you, a new car seat will do for now. I don't wanna think what E TN flea market rejects might be pawned off on you by DH's family.

Be selfish, your sanity deserves it.

Sara in IN

[Jenni979]

Congrats on your little one, Apryl!!!

If everything goes well (which I am praying for) then we should be able to get to the family reunion... DH's Grandmother is a saint and I adore her, so I would LOVE for her to see her new Great-Grandbaby...

I have already told DH that I don't want his family touching or holding our baby, if we go. He thinks that sounds mean, but she will only be a few weeks old and I have seen WITH MY OWN EYES, his older sister drop her youngest child TWICE.

I also feel like they have not been the kind of people I would want our little girl around. I know that children can feel things more acutely than adults and I don't want her to feel all that tension.

Besides, they have had nothing but bad things to say throughout our entire pregnancy, so why would they (all of the sudden) want to be doting grandparents?

They keep freaking out telling us that we need to get rid of our pets because having a cat in the house will give the baby asthma, pnemonia and ear infections... 8-(

When we told them that we are cloth diapering (my brother and I were crazy allergic to disposables) they freaked out again, saying how it was not healthy and the baby would be sick all the time... Give me a break... This from a lady that is a NURSE!!!

Nothing we do is ever right...

We have been married almost 3 years, OWN a home, OWN our cars, have NO debt, DH has a great job... But we are worng, all the time...

Their daughter is on her 3rd baby, by the 3rd daddy, and ending her 3rd marriage (baby daddy & husbands have NEVER been the same)... Their other daughter got pregnant in HS, the baby-daddy got sent straight to jail for 4 years for making meth, then got married while he was in jail, and he JUST got out... But, yet we are the screw-ups?!?!?

Personally, I think it is because we don't NEED them, they act this way... Their daughters rely on them for EVERYTHING... $$$, babysitting, cleaning their homes... We don't NEED them and I think it makes them insane... Grrrr!!!!

[Wags]

Your DH needs to concentrate on his new job and his new baby. No need for trips before or after the baby comes.

Garage sales, craigslist, thrift stores etc.... You really don't need as much stuff as you think you do. Better to buy as you go along and know for sure what you will need. We had a crib for our daughter she NEVER slept in it even once as we ended up co-sleeping. Fortunately it did make into a toddler bed and she did finally use it then.

[Jenni979]

I agree...

I think we need a carseat, cloth diapers, some onesies, and a pack-and-play... The rest we can figure out once she is here...

We don't even know what size onsies to look for... Even at 2 weeks early they still think that she will be really large (DH & I were both over 10 lbs and 24 inches long) so we may not be in need of anything in a newborn size.

I just want to chill out for the next few weeks, and enjoy being pregnant.

I just can't imagine going out of my way to make trouble, like they do... I mean, how much energy and time are they wasting trying to plot new ways of being nasty?

I am hoping that after our little girl gets here, DH will be more apt to stand up to them and tell them how it is.

It just makes me SO mad to see this big strong guy (who NEVER has any issues telling anyone else how it is) turn into a sad little child where they are concerned... I know he would KILL for them to just tell him that they love him and they are proud of him...

I think I could put up with them trying to pull carp on ME, but when I see them hurting my DH, it's like a switch flips inside me....

[jen74145]

Their "stuff" for the baby would come at too high a price, and I don't mean from your wallet.

And yeah, ITU about inlaws hurting your DH and the feelings it brings.

I'd not contact them at all, and just let them keep their drama to themselves. You cannot trust these people. What they owe you is gone, just cut your losses and move forward before you wind up in a bad situation with your child in the middle of it all.

I have nothing to do with certain family members because they are toxic. A bit of shared DNA isn't quite as all-important as some folks make it out to be. Sanity and peace are far more precious.