How do I help my mom?

[DaniR1968]

This is about the 3rd time to write this. It gets so long and maybe too much information.

The gist is my Mom is a hoarder, is okay living in filth. She can go to Walmart every day but not call a repair person when something is wrong with her car. She moves with her job (or did, she retired in the fall) so is not usually even in the same state as any family, but she will want one of us to help. The registration and inspection on her vehicles are only done if someone else does it. Oddly, she would take care of rent, utilities, etc. If something doesn't go right, she is always the victim.

She's not rational. There is no talking to her. For example. She was between jobs and came to stay with us for a week or so. (This was several years ago) She came at night and wanted to go straight to bed until she realized there was no tv in the guest bedroom. She wanted us to take the tv from my children's room. I told her I would be happy to get her a tv the next day. Not good enough. She started taking stuff out of her purse and throwing them around and mumbling things like, "Now I know how you really feel about me," and "I guess I'm not wanted around here." etc. Then she went to Walmart and bought a tv. This is after going on about how she doesn't watch hardly any tv. She just likes it on at night for the noise.

We have tried to talk to her. She shuts down. She will hum, or put her head against the wall, say she has to go cry, or mumble about how she's unloved, unappreciated, she's leaving, etc.

When she retired, she moved in with my older sister and her 13 year old son. We knew there were some issues but since moving in with Sister, it has become clear she can't live on her own. On top of the other stuff, she bickers with the 13 year old as if she's a child. Sister has joked that it's like having and two children. Today, the bickering escalated and Mom hit nephew in the back with either her fist or elbow. I think he was more surprised than hurt, but still, she hit him!

We really think she needs to see a doctor. Her behavior is off, not rational.
She's not bad enough to go in a nursing home and wouldn't go into assisted living. In fact, if not for her temper and attitude, she is fine living with family. She's in her mid 60's and healthy so we really are at a loss on what to do.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Help!

[myheaven]

sounds bipolar. Mil is bipolar and oh my gosh. #1 she has to want to get help. if she get to the point of putting herself or someone else in danger you can have her comited by court order. they only have 72 hours to hold and treat. may cause more problems for your sister and nephew tho. SHe may just be very manuplitive and not use to NOT getting her own way and having someone stick up for themselves.
My mil is very hard to deal with.

[Harry Chickpea]

Short answer - you don't help her. You can't help her. She doesn't want your help.

Longer answer - if you try to help her without understanding what you are getting into, you are in for a world of hurt. Seek a professional counselor and follow that advice. You will need support and backup and possibly a legal backup to explain your actions if she takes offense.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this on a personal level. It is difficult enough for people who are paid to deal with it on a less personal basis.

[NickieL]

First question...has she ALWAYS been this way or is this a reletively recent change of behavior?

Severe changes of behavior in older adults can signal serious medical conditions.

[Terri]

People who are extremely anxious often find security in routine: change frightens them.

[DaniR1968]

We have considered that she is bipolar but she doesn't fit enough of the symptoms. Some of it is manipulation and part is she is used to others doing things for her. When we were teenagers still living at home, we did take care of that kind of thing. Kind of funny when you think she raised us to be independant.

She is in danger in the fact that food in her refriderater can be there far longer than it should and she might still try to eat it. She is in danger when she can't/won't call someone to repair the leak in her roof even the though the ceiling is threatening to fall in. It's not money. She'll pay if someone else will make the call and get it set up for her. Same thing if she needs phone or electric service, she wants someone else to do it. At the same time, she was fully funtional in a demanding job until she retired this past fall.

Harry, we do realize she may not want help. At the same time, she very difficult to live with and I don't think she is capable of living alone. Things cannot keep going as they are. Since she is living with my sister in another state from me, she is the one that will be following what advice we get here. She may even sign up so she can post. She's about at the end of her rope and doesn't know what to do. Mom is going to come visit me and our other sister in a couple of weeks so she'll get a break soon.

[DaniR1968]

Nickie, she has always been this way to some degree but has gotten gradually worse over the years.

Terri, I don't think that's it. She moved regularly with her job to different states by herself. I wouldn't think someone anxious about change would so easily pick up and move every 3 or 4 years. Sometimes more often. I went to 3 different high schools!

[Mid Tn Mama]

I have a friend who always had odd things like these her whole life. Things didn't fit. She never married or had children. Now, I strongly suspect alzheimers although she is on the younger side of having this.

Things like dementia and alzheimers don't always present themselves as you think they would. And having oddities makes it harder to discern what is really happening. Add to this if you are dealing with an intelligent person, then they are able to manipulate facts, explanations so that it's even harder to get to the bottom of things.

Please do not let your or your sister's personal family life suffer because of this. You have a responsibility to your family and you can only do as much as you can for your mom.

Hospitals are a source of social workers who know how to deal with people like this. Best of luck to you. Your intuition is probably right.

[NickieL]

Originally Posted by Mid Tn Mama

I have a friend who always had odd things like these her whole life. Things didn't fit. She never married or had children. Now, I strongly suspect alzheimers although she is on the younger side of having this.

Things like dementia and alzheimers don't always present themselves as you think they would. And having oddities makes it harder to discern what is really happening. Add to this if you are dealing with an intelligent person, then they are able to manipulate facts, explanations so that it's even harder to get to the bottom of things.

Please do not let your or your sister's personal family life suffer because of this. You have a responsibility to your family and you can only do as much as you can for your mom.

Hospitals are a source of social workers who know how to deal with people like this. Best of luck to you. Your intuition is probably right.

I was thinking the same thing. I've seen dementia even in people in thier 40's!

[Dexter]

Reminds me a bit of my Grandpa who developed dementia. Was "difficult" for more than 10 years (20 even)before it got out of control.
My mom is showing it a bit (60-ish) and I worry we'll have to go through it all again- if only there was a way to stop it.
Of course there is NO reasoning with them- truly the saddest part of it.
Does she drink? I suspect drinking- and not even a problem drunk just a drinker in general will over the years fry enough braincells to cause dementia- their are studies that suggest this.

[Ashtina98]

Dementia and/or Alzheimers will intensify already present behaviors. My gm has had dementia for several years and recently diagnosed with alzheimers, the doc.'s have told my mom that those odd behaviors she had when she was younger will just get more pronounced. I think this sounds a lot like what you are talking about.

[Ann-NWIowa]

Obviously your sister cannot have your mother living with her if your mother is going to abuse your nephew. That could get the child removed from his mother. Does you mother have the ability to live on her own if your sister gets her set up in an apartment and then checks on her regularly? This is so sad and so tricky trying to help someone who doesn't want help.

My m-i-l is in a nursing home (over 4 years now) and has decided she wants to leave "because they won't let her walk". The reason she's there is because she can't walk, but her mental state means she doesn't understand.

Its really hard to deal with an adult who is more like a child. Its so hard to respect their adult status and not hurt their feelings while protecting them.

No answers here, but I pray you and your sister can find a solution that works for everyone.

[tinknal]

I am generally the last one who would suggest getting county services involved (due to some very bad personal experiences), but this might just be the exception that proves the rule.

[PNP Katahdins]

See if there is an office that handles Adult Protective Services in her county. Part of it is protecting them from themselves, not necessarily from another person like with elder abuse. Your sister must be tearing her hair out over what to do.

Good luck to you and your whole family.

Peg

[DaniR1968]

Her mother and grandmother both had Alzheimers. She thinks she has it but won't see a doctor about that. We watched our grandmother from the early stages to the end where she didn't know us. The same thing happened with our great grandmother. We don't see any of the things we saw with them. Although it is possible that it is some form of Alzheimers or dementia.

Dexter, you hit another thing, she is a drinker. Sometimes she's okay and keeps it to a couple here or there, and sometimes she binges. I hadn't thought of that, the long term effects.

This is so hard. On the one hand, we don't want to suffer because of this, but she is our mother. My husband groans when he hears she is coming, though. Come to think of it, so do the kids. Fortunately, they keep it to themselves when she is here. We do our best to make her feel welcome.

She is not so bad that she could go into a home, but she can't really live on her own. Right now we are trying to convince her to see a doctor. My sister says she is considering it. Sister is thinking of just making an appointment for her and telling her something like, "Hey, I had to make an appointment for myself so I went ahead and made an appointment for you, too." or something like that. Hopefully she will go.

I really appreciate everyone's input and suggestions and the support.

[tinknal]

Dani, I hate to bring this up, but are you prepared to do what is needed to do to prevent your kids asking this same question 50 years from now?

[JuliaAnn]

Dani, I'm so sorry you and your family are having this problem. I'm sure your mother is not happy either. Things like this are so hard to deal with.

We've had a lot of problems in my family with Alzheimers, and with dementia caused by strokes, brain tumors and stage 2 Parkinson's.

It really does sound like a medical problem to me. Maybe not 100% physiological, but certainly physiological diseases can cause psychological and behavioral issues. And whoever above said that already existing bad behaviors are often amplified during dementia is absolutely correct. And violence sometimes occurs where it never did before.

I hope your sister or you or someone can get your mother to a doctor for an exam. There may be medications that would help, because if she is developing some sort of dementia from an undiagnosed disease or long-term drinking, it will only get worse.

Praying for you and your family, and your mother too. Bless all of you. And it's ok to do what you need to do to protect your family. It's not a betrayal to your mother to do what is best for your own children.

[Joshie]

Mom sounds like she's either mentally ill or has dementia. From your description, you can't really tell what's going on. Can your sister take her to her Primary Care Provider and go into the appointment with her? Can your sister call and talk to the doctor or give the doctor a list of your concerns? Even if Mom doesn't give permission for the doc to speak with you you can tell the doctors about your concerns.

There should be some sort of Senior Advocacy program in your county. I'd call them and ask for advice. You may have difficulty getting assistance with living accommodations. Since it sounds as if your sister cannot handle having your mom in the house, you might say that Mom has no place to go and needs to find new housing.

Dementia can cause psychiatric problems. I'm sorry that this is happening. Praying......

[fransean]

Have you considered live in help? A "companion" of sorts? If money is not a problem she could get someone to live in that would help her manage day to day and stay at home longer.
I can't remember the name right now but there is a form of dementia directly related to alcohol abuse.
Routine is crutial for someone with dementia so yes not having a tv in the background which is a comforting routine would be very upsetting. She may have trouble waking up at night not nowing where she is especially if she moved around a lot and the constant of having a tv playing in the background which is a routine would be enough to settle her back down.
Many times there are services available through a local senior center or the local Area Agency on Aging - maybe called something different in your area. There are resources available to help you and the first step to finding them is reaching out as you are doing now.

[Jenn]

Not read all answers but this may be a progressive dementia. Don't know how to get her to cooperate but if she WILL go see a doctor get in to that doc for a 15-30 min visit WITHOUT HER before hand to advise your concerns and see if doc can examine her brain (mental exam questions, neurological reflexes/ sensation/ strength tests) without making her too mad. But blood tests can help:

She may have thyroid disorder, tertiary syphilis, hydrocephalus, vitamin deficiency, anemia... Blood tests and exam can find some reversible causes of dementia or let you know a name and then how this may progress, and whether you need to worry about it being hereditary.