could we start,,,,

[lamoncha lover]

A doctor Phil or dear abby section please?
I wanna whine.....but it doesnt fit under any of the forum headings.

[brody]

whine on ...

I'll cut some cheese ...

[springvalley]

Go ahead, let her rip, I love to give my opinion, and advise. TY Marc.

[manygoatsnmore]

Here are the crackers to go with the cheese and whine... Tell us what's on your mind!

[Melissa]

People do that here, but be prepared to be cheered up!

[lamoncha lover]

I know I have much to be thankful for...
If I could focus just on my blessings maybe I could get out of this funk.
I am 52 yrs old, raising 4 grand kids, with a marriage on the rocks. My 19 yr old daughter..NOT the kids mom, lives here and is in college. I always thought she was a special child, but now I see she is a selfish princess who will not lift a finger to help..ever. My 1st grader gr kid does more then she to help here. My husband has been laid off for 9 months. He has spent almost the whole time in his chair with remote control on ready. I finally got his butt up when I suggested he go spend some time back at his families in another state. So he managed to lift his butt out of the chair to go on a 3 week hunting trrip. I am so tired of being taken for granted. I am tired of carrying this load. I have tried to carryit and I cannot do it alone. I simply am very tired of my life.

[lenii]

and yes, being taken for granted. I am afraid you will have to raise the roof, to get some help around there. Sit them both down, and tell them, you are headed for a breakdown, if you don't get help! It doesn't help to suffer in silence. They both could pitch in ALOT!!!! Don't yell at them, but sit them down....good luck and hugs..

Originally Posted by lamoncha lover

I know I have much to be thankful for...
If I could focus just on my blessings maybe I could get out of this funk.
I am 52 yrs old, raising 4 grand kids, with a marriage on the rocks. My 19 yr old daughter..NOT the kids mom, lives here and is in college. I always thought she was a special child, but now I see she is a selfish princess who will not lift a finger to help..ever. My 1st grader gr kid does more then she to help here. My husband has been laid off for 9 months. He has spent almost the whole time in his chair with remote control on ready. I finally got his butt up when I suggested he go spend some time back at his families in another state. So he managed to lift his butt out of the chair to go on a 3 week hunting trrip. I am so tired of being taken for granted. I am tired of carrying this load. I have tried to carryit and I cannot do it alone. I simply am very tired of my life.

[Cliff]

First, let your daughter read your post. She's a grown up and helping should be the price of living there.
Then focus on how to get the other 4 kids helping out. Just insist and stick to your guns. I know it's a pain for kids to help sometimes but you and they will be better off for it in the long run. Don't want them turning out like the 19 yr old, right?
Can you and your dh go to counseling? It would help to have him hear someone elses point of view maybe. And it sounds like he may be depressed, meds might really help.

[Cliff]

Originally Posted by lenii

and yes, being taken for granted. I am afraid you will have to raise the roof, to get some help around there. Sit them both down, and tell them, you are headed for a breakdown, if you don't get help! It doesn't help to suffer in silence. They both could pitch in ALOT!!!! Don't yell at them, but sit them down....good luck and hugs..

Totally agree with this. Get tough, and be brutally honest.

[CherieOH]

Time for a family pow wow to introduce a Rotating Chore List. Or perhaps a Privilege Auction (who will give one clean bathroom for an hour of Play Station?). If all else fails, you could go on strike until they agree to share the load.

[cc]

My experience wasn't quite as bad as yours but I went on a weekend get away and left the crew with it. You would have been surprised when I came home they had found out what a load I was carrying by myself. Everything wasn't roses but it was better and when they started going backwards I started planning another weekend. Got the message through to them. Seriously I really do agree that you probably need to get hubby to the doc to check him for depression.

[PNP Katahdins]

When your husband gets back, go on your own 3-week vacation and let them try to replace you.

Peg

[Wolf mom]

The best way to effect change is to begin with yourself.

I'd stop "doing" for the 19 year old. She has to learn sometime. If you are on overload, this is the time.

Hubby? Is he depressed? I'd have a talk with him, he needs to shoulder things too. If the little ones are his grandchildren too, let him help with them.

Have a family meeting, keep it short and sweet. Do not blame. Plan ahead of the meeting what you are going to do and not going to do, then tell them. Then YOU have to follow through on what you said. If you don't, they will not believe you & everything will remain the same. When you change the rules without letting the other players know, it causes a lot of confusion.

Best to you.

[brody]

a 19 year old is often still a child today (and yes I'd been on my own for 2 years at that point but I work with teens every day now)
- she may not know how to help exactly - or feel put upon - having 4 little ones in the house (how old are they?) is not always fun .. specific timely lists to help is usually useful with teens ..
hubby needs to know what you need too - and takign some time away from it all to recharge your batteries ,ay help the whole family see just how much you do - even one night away may result in some profound changes

[JanS]

The kids should actually be pretty easy to deal with, and the 19-year-old as well. She is an adult, you do not have to allow her to live there....you are doing it to help further her education and she owes you for that. Pitch in or move along. The husband sounds like the real problem. And I have yet to find a way to make a man do anything he doesn't want to do. Good luck with that. I do agree that a depression screening is in order. When my husband was deeply depressed, however, he wasn't even putting the tv on and would have been incapable of planning or carrying out a hunting trip. This gentleman sounds just plain lazy.

[Bonnie L]

My 19 yo ds is about as lazy as you can get. He didn't listen to my complaints until I threatened to toss him out in the cold. He knew I was serious & took up some of the slack. Far from perfect, but better than before.

[lamoncha lover]

my grands are now 13. 11, 8, and 6
We have had them 2 yrs.
MOm is a baby maker not a child rearer., the dads are deadbeats.,
Their mom is my daughter..my husbands step daughter.
I do have a terrible time expressing myself, or asking for help.
And I am tired of holdinghtis family together...and yes I do believe it won't take much more for me to have a total breakdown
Did I mention husband wont stop spending money we dont have..1200 just last month on nothi9ng we needed.

[Wolf mom]

Sorry to hear all this.

What is one thing you can do today for yourself, to help yourself in this situation??

I know you can answer that as you are strong enough to write about what's happening.

When you do what you've answered for a few days, ask yourself the same question again & then do both.

Believe what you will, but this works. It breaks the total situation down into managable parts and you begin to focus on what you can do rather than what can't be done. I can believe your situation feels overwhelming to you. You will begin to get a sence of empowerment and control over the situation.

Do you have anyone that can be a support for you where you live? As hard as it is, sometimes you just have to ask. Most people really want to be a support, but don't know how until you ask. If you don't, can you talk to a pastor, a doctor? Or journal - that helps a lot of people.

[Cliff]

Those children are old enough to be doing most of the housework, and much of the meal preparation. You might not like exactly how they do things but they need to learn they can't float thru life with someone taking care of all the details, and you need their help. It's as much for their benefit as for yours.
Start teaching them.

[Callieslamb]

Did your dh agree to take in 4 little ones? They may be too much for him at this stage in his life. Sounds to me like he is retreating to where he has some control - even if it is only with a remote. I'd go for some counseling.