frustrated with DH

[kritter8888]

OK sorry need to rant. My DH is just frustrting me to no end. Ok here I go his cousin needs help so he goes, he wants to go hunting and he goes, his cousin needs help he goes. I ask him to help me pick something up and he wont get off the couch so I hurt my back and then he says you should of done it this way. I ask him to mow the lawn (its really high since he hasnt done it in like 2 months) and he goes to his cousins to help. We have plans on sat and his friend called this morning and needs help and guess where he going, its not with me. He is unemployeed and I work full-time and I do all the housework he does NONE. I really am at my wits end do I say when he asks whens dinner do I say when the lawn gets mowed. What a fight that will cause. I just really dont know what to do with him. Ughhhhhhh!!

[uncle Will in In.]

Never go to bed MAD. Stay up and fight.
If you weren't a pushover, he couldn't push you over all the time. <>UNK

[chickenista]

It is not that she is a pushover.. My DH isn't the most motivated in teh world, but at least he isn't doing favors for friends and family..
You can't MAKE them do something. They aren't your kids and you cannot spank them until it is done.
I ahve been trying for years to find the secret...

[Michael W. Smith]

I dont' know your marriage situation - how long you've been married, how long this has been going on, etc - but it sounds like your husband is plain lazy and is shirking his duties.

If he is unemployed, there is NO reason why he hasn't mowed the lawn or fixed the wall that he tore down (in another thread of yours).

If his laziness has started with him being laid off, it's probably that he's feeling like a "failure" for not being able to support you. But if he's been like this since you married him . . . . . well, don't expect him to change.

Sounds like you need to have a heart to heart talk with your guy and tell him how you feel. If his attitude and "work ethic" doesn't change, you'll have to figure out if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life.

[suzfromWi]

Originally Posted by uncle Will in In.

Never go to bed MAD. Stay up and fight.
If you weren't a pushover, he couldn't push you over all the time. <>UNK

Absolutely! I was there so I know. Stand up for whats right even if there is a fight. When you stand up he may stand down...

[Jan Doling]

You need a friend to go visit everytime he takes off.

[Maura]

Sit down with him and have a heart to heart. When he goes back to work he may not be able to fix the wall. Tell him you can't do everything that needs to be done around the house. If you can set up a division of labor, that would be a first thing. He may need a list of things to be done, but he should write the list himself. When you need him to do an extra job, first tell him. When he doesn't do it, add it to the list, then forget about it. He won't move the furniture for you, it doesn't get moved. He doesn't mow the lawn, it doesn't get mowed. He doesn't wash the dishes, they don't get washed- use paper plates. When the house becomes a real pit, invite his parents over for dinner.

Don't start nagging at him; you are not his mother. Don't start fighting with him; you are not his sister.

[Yvonne's hubby]

Originally Posted by kritter8888

OK sorry need to rant. My DH is just frustrting me to no end. Ok here I go his cousin needs help so he goes, he wants to go hunting and he goes, his cousin needs help he goes. I ask him to help me pick something up and he wont get off the couch so I hurt my back and then he says you should of done it this way. I ask him to mow the lawn (its really high since he hasnt done it in like 2 months) and he goes to his cousins to help. We have plans on sat and his friend called this morning and needs help and guess where he going, its not with me. He is unemployeed and I work full-time and I do all the housework he does NONE. I really am at my wits end do I say when he asks whens dinner do I say when the lawn gets mowed. What a fight that will cause. I just really dont know what to do with him. Ughhhhhhh!!

Hmm, it sounds almost like you married a guy. I have been a guy ever since I can remember so I kinda understand where he is. Heres my advise. You basically are doing a role reversal here. The problem is you havent learned to NOT do the house wife part and he isnt either. Make sure you have one area of the house that is yours, keep it clean and tidy for yourself, make sure you have food and clean clothes and whatever else your basic needs amount to and let him fend for himself a while. Dont worry about the grass being cut, let it grow. He will eventually get hungry and have to feed himself. It will be good practice for him. Same with the laundry, as long as you will do it for him, why would he bother? No need in fussing and arguing with him. just ignore the bum for a few weeks and he will get the picture all by himself. Then once you have him taking care of himself for a while, you very gently have him start picking up your slack. When you come in from work you simply walk over and turn on the tv, and say something like "Oh, what a rough day I had today, what are we having for supper tonite?" take up your position on the couch with the remote in hand and relax while he takes care of you. It takes time for us guys to become a good house husband, but with just a wee bit of patience and understanding from you girls we can do it. I know, coz my Yvonne has been an excellent teacher!

[kritter8888]

HI Thanks for your advice. Weve been married 4.5 years and he was motivated before we got married but got lazy when we got married. Its even worse now that hes not working. I think my problem is im a go getter. I have tried to sit back and not do anything but after one day it drives me crazy and I feel depressed because its not in my nature to just sit back and ignore it. I know the wall thing the big problem is the catch 22, hes not working and the wall will cost a good amount of money to get rid of the termite damage and when hes working he won't do it he's to tired. Dont get me wrong I love him (we've been on and off for 15 years) but I come from a kill your self trying family and his family is just as laid back as he is. He has the ability to be motivated when he wants, hes motivated about hunting right now.

[mamita]

maybe he's depressed because he's not working, and he feels very inadequate right now. listen..I have no idea what your situation is, but maybe you sound like your nagging. a lot. so he escapes, since he can't fulfill your ideal of what he should be. you decide......do you love him, or not? then talk about it, without your frustration entering in. I don't know, but if you love somebody to the max....you just work it out.

[suzfromWi]

Wah wah wah....Im sorry but it sounds as if she has a legitimate gripe here. Maybe SHES getting depressed. maybe SHES tired...She needs to tell him where she stands, and get him to help out, Maybe he thinks thats all womens work. Wah wah wah...

[Tracy Rimmer]

There is an old saying -- I don't even know where I first heard it, but I believe strongly in it: "To be with me, you need a J-O-B".

Now, that job doesn't need to be gainful employment outside the home -- I've known a lot of perfectly wonderful, hard working people who have found themselves unemployed and UNABLE to find work, but he needs to do SOMETHING to contribute.

There is a huge difference (and a very elemental one) between being unable to find work, and being unwilling. It's been my experience that the ones who are unwilling typically have someone in their life who takes on the role of "enabler".

[willow_girl]

No one can take advantage of you unless you let them.

I had a SAHH in my last marriage. It worked really well until he decided he didn't want to work OR take care of the house/farm! After about a year of doing it ALL by myself, I decided it was time he found a new wife to support him (which he did).

[Ardie/WI]

Two words of advice: Divorce him!

Life is too short to spend it with a man who has no respect for you!

[suzfromWi]

Divorce is not always the answer. Her standing up for herself and commanding respect is. A man doesn't REALLY want a doormat. He won't respect a doormat. I think she'd see a change in him if she showed him some guts. Unless he's a wife abuser. Then she should run like heck....

[mamita]

sorry if my post sounded harsh, I sure didn't mean it to! it's my afternoon to 'play' around on the internet, and my German shepherd isn't having it. lol I just meant to add another dimension to the 'scene'. in no way do I want anyone to live in a situation that is not working. maybe this guy is lazy..who knows, I sure don't! but then again you have to sometimes look closely at both sides (cause there are ALWAYS two sides). so..I wondered if he isn't feeling very down BECAUSE he isn't working. now..still not easy to live with for sure. I have total compassion for the poster's frustration. but being practically newlyweds, I just hate to think that it isn't something unusual that needs more communication. so...I guess I wasn't ready to just bash the guy. but...I didn't mean to sound so terrible.

[Danaus29]

Not too many men would put up with a woman who stays home on the couch doing nothing all day. I don't think a woman should have to put up with a man who stays on the couch doing nothing all day. Just my 2 cents.

[mnn2501]

SSS?

oops, that probably doesn't apply here

[Joshie]

Originally Posted by Yvonne's hubby

Hmm, it sounds almost like you married a guy. I have been a guy ever since I can remember so I kinda understand where he is. Heres my advise. You basically are doing a role reversal here. The problem is you havent learned to NOT do the house wife part and he isnt either.

My husband is retired and I've been working full time. My dear, sweet husband didn't want to retire but he was self employed for more than 30 years and the photography business went blah. A 70 year old man isn't exactly the most employable man.

I have worked full time. Our daughter is 11 1/2 and she said, "In most homes the mommy makes dinner and the daddy works." Well, I wish it was that way in our house but it hasn't worked out that way.

It took a long time and some, ummm, insistence, on my part for hubby to start doing the stuff I just cannot do. Fortunately, I load the dishwasher "incorrectly" so that was no problem. Having nothing to eat at dinner time a few days helped him to understand that I really cannot make dinner. We don't eat like we did when I cooked. There is not much that's home made anymore. But we are not starving. Hubby does the lawn and he does most of the homeschool lesson presentation. He's also the guy who does most of the stuff around the house. He gives kids their daily meds.

I had to stop doing what I just cannot do and dear hubby, bless his heart, stepped up to the plate. Have you had a heart to heart with your hubby?

[goohsmom]

If you can bring yourself to do it, YH has a good approach. What will happen if you stop doing everything and just take care of your own personal needs for a while? It's possible that your H thinks you're so capable you don't need his help; that would explain him helping other people but not you. I particularly like the idea of you coming home and sitting down to watch tv, totally bypassing the whole dinner preparation scenario. Of course, if you leave things up to him, they might not be up to your standards, but that's where you'll need to figure out what's most important to you---having someone else help around the house, or having things done the way you want them done.

Good luck

Pam