How to convince someone to have surgery

[Melissa]

Gosh all kinds of tribulations around here today. My grandmother is very sick and needs surgery. However she is refusing to do it and is out of the hospital and back at the nursing home. She suffers from severe depression as well as this physical problem, reasoning with her is almost impossible. I have been on the phone off and on all morning with my uncle who is in Arizona. He thinks if he flies in and talks with her she might consent. Let's hope.

[Qvrfullmidwife]

Praying for y'all.

I have a little bit different take. Hard as it is, I do my best to make sure that people have all the info then support their decision--even if I dont agree. With my FIL it was his refusal to have surgery and with my dad it was the fact that he chose chemo that he was told would not prolong his life.

But I figure it is their life, their choice if they are mentally able to make the decision.

[o&itw]

I must admit that I agree with Qvrfull.....

I do not want to be treated like a two year old child when I am elderly. If this woman can rationaly make this choice for herself, then even if she is depressed, she whould be allowed to make it. There may come a time when have no recourse but to be hand fed, bathed etc., but as long I am in my rightful mind, I should be allowed to make decisions about my own medical destiny.

[Lizza]

Sorry you are having such a hard time right now Melissa. I have to agree with the others though. Sometimes we don't have to understand, we can think they are wrong, but we need to respect others wishes. I hope you can find peace with her decision.

[Mutti]

I agree with the others--too often at my job at the nursing home I see residents rights ignored by well-meaning relatives. Just because we think they are making wrong decisions it is still their right to do so if they haven't been placed under court guardianship. I might mention that surgery in the elderly can be very sucessful but I have seen way too many residents come back worse--usually mentally. My own dear MIL had over 6 weeks of dementia following knee surgery and general anethesia...this in a very healthy otherwise woman. It becomes especially hard when residents give in to family/friends. Many many times we've had residents who want to stay at the nursing home where they know and love their caregivers and feel safe. You gotta admit hospitalization is scary and surgery even more so.
This is why everyone needs a health directive so your loved ones KNOW exactly what you do/don't want. They can always be changed but sometimes people are intimidated into doing something they don't really want to pacify their family. Love and prayers to you and your grandmother. DEE

[mary,tx]

I also don't think this is a decision that can be made by anyone but her. I know my dad has let us know that he will not be having any more procedures, surgeries, or such. He is in his eighties and knows this earthly life does not last forever. He intends to live the rest of it on his own terms.

[teresab]

Melissa...I didn't read the other posts but my thoughts are sometimes it's just best to let them make their own decisions even if they aren't the same as ours. I used to work in a doctor's office where there were lots of older patients and we would get call after call from well meaning relatives saying do what ever you need to do but keep them alive!!! But they weren't listening to their loved ones....they were tired...they were ready....to go home.

The older I get the more I understand their feelings. Grandma's get tired.....I lost my grandma last November and I miss her everyday but would not have changed anything when I said "No measures to extend her life" because I know this is how she felt....and I was happy for her when she got to "fly away home"...but I miss her.

Melissa....make it about Grandma and what she wants. I hope I don't sound harsh..I don't mean to be. I will keep you in my prayers.

[jen74145]

Alot of the older people I know just can't face the thought of a long, painful recovery. If I had a handful of years left (not trying to be insensitive, promise) I wouldn't want to spend six months of it in pain and fear.

Too, the older you get, the more dangerous things like a simple infection or cold are.

I'm so sorry, I know it hurts and you just want them to be fixed and, truthfully, as they once were. Be gentle with yourself, and them, right now.

[Sonshine]

Sometimes when you get older you figure it's time to let nature take it course. I had an Aunt who had cancer and went through the chemo treatment. A couple of years later the cancer returned and she refused to endure the treatments again. I was sad to lose her, but she knew what she was willing and able to endure, and since she was a Christian she knew she was going to a better place.

[Melissa]

This surgery would be to repair a severe hiatial hernia that makes it very painful for her to eat. According to the surgeon it is not a complicated surgery and would result in her feeling much, much better. It really would be in her best interest and I know it would help her so much in the long run.

[Pink_Carnation]

If there is something that she would be able to do afterwards ...that she would enjoy I would suggest that you plan that if she agrees to do the surgery.

Without knowing what is going on I can't give any advice on pushing for the surgery...my step-grandma though even with full blown demetia was treated for some things since they were easy treatments and would have been a horrible way to die.

[Melissa]

That's the thing, she is just laying there in bed starving and in pain and it could be fixed in a few hours and she will heal and it might help the depression symptoms as well. She is only in her mid 70's.

[Lizza]

Sometimes it is easier to face the pain you are in to the unknown pain of surgery and recovery. I've had quick easy surgery and it still sucked, anytime you have to go under.....sucks, and I am young. So I certainly understand not having surgery in my mid-70's. Surgery is hardly ever quick and easy for the elderly, it's not like she's in her mid-20's. There can be complications during surgery, after surgery, infections, blood clots, nothing in life is guaranteed. I seriously doubt that doctor is going to tell her having any surgery, especially at her age, is without risks. Just something to think about.

What does she say is the reason for her refusal?

[Qvrfullmidwife]

Melissa is she on reglan for the hiatal hernia?

Many do not know that reglan can cause significant clinical depression if given for more than 10-14 days...

[Michael W. Smith]

If Grandma is still mentally "there", you have to abide by her wishes. I'm sure she has been given both sides of the surgery - what happens if she has surgery and what happens if she doesn't.

Alot of older people who are still mentally sharp, just get tired. They are old, their bones ache, they have to depend on someone else to give them care, they've seen their friends / other relatives die off, and just overall - are "tired" of life.

It's her body, it's her life. Give her the options with potential outcomes and accept her decision.

Many people (I'm not saying YOU or your family) decide what is best for Grandma & Grandpa. The last couple years of their lives are spent battling some ailment - they are miserable - and sooner or later Mother Nature will "win" regardless of what's done.

[Peacock]

Maybe she's known someone else who went in for a "simple" surgery and it turned out to be not so simple.

[Joshie]

Originally Posted by Melissa

My grandmother is very sick and needs surgery. However she is refusing to do it and is out of the hospital and back at the nursing home. She suffers from severe depression as well as this physical problem, reasoning with her is almost impossible. I have been on the phone off and on all morning with my uncle who is in Arizona. He thinks if he flies in and talks with her she might consent. Let's hope.

You treat the depression. I am a nurse and had a patient say that they wouldn't consent to fixing a defibrillator. The patient was so depressed he couldn't see any sense to keep fighting. Well, we were able to help him with his depression and he's now willing to do surgery if necessary.

I'm OK with people making the choice to not have a surgery as long as they are making a reasoned choice. It's not a reasoned choice, one that considers all options, if one is making the choice thru depression-colored glasses.

I'd speak with your grandma's doctor. It absolutely stinks to be depressed. I'd not wish to go on either.

[Shepherd]

Oh man Melissa! I'm so sorry to hear this. Depression is a horrible thing. I hope your Uncle can come and convince her to do this asap.

[Jan in CO]

I hope this can come to a good outcome, Melissa. I struggle with my Mom and her refusals all the time, but she's about 10 years older than your grandmother. I have to keep telling myself that it is HER decision, even tho I think it's wrong, or unsafe. Josie is right, maybe if they can get a handle on the depression, and you or your uncle can have a heart to heart talk with her, finding out the reasons for her refusal, she might relent. My mom knows lots of people who have had simple surgeries and have died in the hospital, so she's terrified of having anything done, too. Keep us in the loop, and give yourself a much needed break. Jan in Co

[Terri]

Gee, Melissa, the depression makes it so much WORSE! Is there any chance that she will accept treatment for the depression? I realize that the decision is hers, but, nobody will feel comfortable with it if they believe that depression is whispering lies in her ears.

The day came when my own grandmother refused treatment, but, she was as sharp as a tack and so the burden of a decision was never on my shoulders.

I did NOT like the decision that she made, but, it really was her choice. And, her decision was very firm.