I have a question for the guys....midlife crisises..

Shepherd · #1 11/01/08, 03:39 PM

I think it was about a year ago I asked for advice for this same thing. My DH is better now... but not 100% back. He had a mean streak associated with this. There was a lot involved, including what has been mentioned above, but also some physical issues. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

If this started since around the time he lost his job, I'd say that's a huge part of it. But it can also be related to the mid-life crisis issue too. For now my advice would be to keep reassuring him you love him, how important he is to you and your family, etc. And pray a LOT.

ginnie5 · #2 11/01/08, 08:24 PM

I really am not sure if its mid life stuff or the job issue. I'm leaning towards midlife though. Our oldest graduated a year and a half ago and right after that is when all this started. He did some things completely out of character for him, ended up being asked to leave the company because of it and has just been not himself since. he was better but since this layoff he's worse. He's not mean or anything. he's trying but is struggling. I haven't been as supportive as I could be either. I've been kind of angry with him that we're in this position. But I'm trying to have the attitude that its over and done with and its time to move on. We did get a few hours out today by ourselves and talked a little bit and I think he really is just feeling insecure. I've offered several times to get a job and help out with the finances but he doesn't want me to and I'm afraid that if I just go ahead and do it he'll really feel like I'm not able to count on him.

Jerngen · #3 11/01/08, 09:57 PM

Sounds like a combination of being seriously depressed and not having a strong rock to stand on personally.
I would urge him to go see a counselor to help him work through the issues that are side-lining him.

PyroDon · #4 11/01/08, 10:03 PM

stress from the economy , fear that he wont beable to provide as he has , worry in general .
As a man these fears are some that we tend to hide as best we can though they appear in other ways . We are the men we arent supposed to show fear.

I personally wont even consider having a mid life crisis until I become invisible to women in their twenties

besides my wifes already told me Im not allowed to have a mid life crisis

Queen Bee · #5 11/02/08, 12:04 AM

When I think of a mid-life crisis, I think of men spending, 'looking' for other women's company, needing new cars/clothes/jewelry to make them more noticeable. I consider what you have described as being depressed--It could be a combination of mental and /or physical-- Has he had a physical lately? Does he exercise?? Try long walks with him or more night time play! Good luck. QB

DixyDoodle · #6 11/02/08, 05:14 AM

Quote:

I've offered several times to get a job and help out with the finances but he doesn't want me to and I'm afraid that if I just go ahead and do it he'll really feel like I'm not able to count on him.

Well, if you have a family and need the money, don't stay home just because you're afraid of hurting his feelings. I'm thinking that as the bills pile up, you will probably going to get resentful and it is going to be way more stressful if you can't catch up to those bills later. You can always offer to quit the job when your hubby finds one......just tell him it's a temporary one, to keep up til then.

I agree with the others: get him a physical. Maybe it's something like diabetes or something else easily treatable, that causes his tiredness and crankiness. I would suggest going along for that, to talk to the doctor, because otherwise he may tell the doc that nothing is wrong or blow it off.

I don't know what job your hubby was in, if it were really stressful, but having been in one myself for 15 years, I just finally had enough of it and quit.....but I've seen people have meltdowns there also; some places are just like that. Sometimes you just can't "take" a certain job anymore, and maybe he's depressed for not having stuck it out. It's hard to explain to people sometimes, that particular jobs will literally be the death of you if you stay.

I bet finding a decent job that pumps him up would help a lot. Maybe you can do some digging and help him find a job? Not "be his mommy" about it, but just suggest if you find any.....you know men, they are sensitive like someone said, they wouldn't want to have a job because the wifey got them hired.

ginnie5 · #7 11/02/08, 10:08 AM

he has had a physical in the two years. I insisted on it after having to take him to the ER with chest pains. He went for stress testing and everything. He's in amazing shape and has even lost a few lbs over the last year that he needed to. He weighs the same now as he did 20 something years ago. His previous job that he was working 100+ hours a week (I'm not stretching that one either) was extremely high stress. He is looking at a part time job that won't cut out his unemployment until he finds a job he wants. So maybe that will come thru and help him some. And Queen Bee he did those things last year but I really think that they were stress induced.

Shepherd · #8 11/02/08, 10:31 AM

Ginnie, what type of work does he do? (just curious)

If he's like mine, now that he's finally had a physical a couple years ago, I wouldn't be able to get him BACK for another physical, particularly since he got a fairly good report!

ginnie5 · #9 11/02/08, 10:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shepherd

Ginnie, what type of work does he do? (just curious)

If he's like mine, now that he's finally had a physical a couple years ago, I wouldn't be able to get him BACK for another physical, particularly since he got a fairly good report!

isn't that the truth! getting him back in now, especially with no insurance, is an impossibility. He is a turbine specialist. He rebuilds turbines in power plants and business, works on pumps and boilers. This involves travel though and while he used to enjoy it he doesn't want to travel anymore. For the last year he was working as a mechanic in a box making plant.

**Cabin Fever** · #10 11/02/08, 10:39 AM

He has nothing that a new...or even used...Harley Davidson couldn't cure.

perennial · #11 11/02/08, 11:31 AM

I think when a husband/father/man hits his mid to late 40's, it's
extremely important to have a hobby or a "get away" from life's
everyday "work" - weather it be going to a job and coming home to
everything or being at home all the time.

For some this is church, hunting, riding a motorcycle or music. All of
us get into ruts and need something "fun" to do away from all the
necessities of life. One can't live on chores and work/house projects
alone.

I do hope things get better for you all and as cabin fever said, nothing like a ride on his motorcycle to cure a man of most anything.

WindowOrMirror · #12 11/02/08, 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cabin Fever

He has nothing that a new...or even used...Harley Davidson couldn't cure.

You got that right!

Cash · #13 11/02/08, 04:09 PM

Speaking as a guy who has gone through something similar, I would suggest a full physical and a long talk with an understanding doctor. From your description, it sounds like classic depression, complicated by the loss of his job. Does his family have a history of depression? Does he brood about the past a lot? Has he had any, ummm, "problems" in the physical aspect of marriage? Is he short-tempered? As much as I hate to suggest chemical intervention, quite frankly going on an antidepressant, Citalopram in my case, saved my marriage and my life when I went through my midlife crisis.

BTW, I wish there was a better phrase than midlife crisis regarding what would normally be called male menopause. When women go through menopause they KNOW it (and so does everyone around them

. For some reason men aren't supposed to have similar problems, but they do. It's just not as obvious.

coup · #14 11/02/08, 05:22 PM

most everyone is stressed now by the world economy,depresing news...

what he needs most if for you to tell him that it will be alright,that the two of you can handle anything together.... that and some wild sex,nothing that will make a man better than that.

plowjockey · #15 11/02/08, 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ginnie5

I really think that dh is having his. He's in his mid to late 40's and for the last year and a half he is just not the same person. Now I know not having a job is affecting him. Especially since its the 2nd time in just over a year. But he really is just not himself. He used to be the most sure of himself man I had ever met. He made decisions and could handle anything. Now its like I have another child. He can't decide on anything without me. Seriously we can sit down and make a list of things for him to get for stuff around here and he'll come back 2 hours later with nothing or just half of it because he got to thinking and didn't know what would be best to get (his words). he waits until the last minute to get ready to go anywhere....church on Sunday mornings, the fall festival last night......he knew it started at 5:30.....at 5:20 he went to get in the shower....I already had the kids ready to go. I can't get anything done around the house that I need to cause he thinks we need to work together on things (mainly what he wants to work on). Yet there's still supposed to be meals on the table, dishes washed, etc. I'm just at a loss with how to deal with him. I took the day off yesterday...took our 12yo dd to the ropes course with the hs group and I stayed and talked with some other moms. I needed that desperately. he was annoyed with me when I did get back. I called and let him know what was going on. Here we are tight as all get up on money and he ordered KFC instead of cooking something and he can cook. Even the kids are noticing the changes in him. So any ideas on how to help him or just tolerate him?

He sound's exactly like me a few years ago and a few bouts since then.

Depression.

The anxiety, clinginess and procastination, a just part of the vicious circle.

Please don't just take hime to the doctor for some "happy pills". IMO they are for people who are SEVERLY depressed and should never be used without a mind checkup also.

Insist he see a mental health counselor. No, they won't pry into his childhood (unless he wan't to talk about it). They should help asess his current life situation and offer suggestions for dealing with it. Sometime a few visits are enough to help greatly.

Don't let this slip by. He may not get better on his own.

Good luck.