Ramblings

[menollyrj]

Have you ever desperately wanted someone to talk to and no one is around? Or you don't really want to share what you have to say with your family because you know they will just tell you what they think you want to hear? That is the situation I find myself in, so here I am. I don't know what I'm wanting (affirmation, prayer, a swift kick), but I just need to "talk."

Yesterday I was confronted by a huge personality flaw. I mean, the kind of flaw that makes you reconsider your entire outlook on life. I have come to the realization that I have become a terribly judgemental person. I have always been stubborn & strong-willed, but I feel like in the last few years I have morphed into this "my way or the highway" and "I know what is best for you even if you don't think it is" kind of person. I have become a bully. A well-intentioned bully, but a bully nonetheless. (Isn't the road to *there* paved with good intentions?) I really want what is best for those around me, but I have not made room for anyone else's concept of "best," only my own. And I know I need to change. I need to bridle my tongue, and accept that my way is not the only way.

I am just so discouraged because I am so disappointed in myself. And I am overwhelmed at the magnitude of my bad behavior... I feel like a hypocrite because I can say all the right things, quote scripture, etc..., but don't live it deep down inside.

Thank you for letting me ramble a bit. It feels somehow better to put it in writing, like naming it makes it easier to address...

-Joy

[JGex]

The first step to making anything better is realizing and acknowledging the source of whatever is itching ya. Seems like you just made a pretty darned good step in a positive direction.

[trappmountain]

If it bothers you and you see it as a flaw you can change it. It may not be easy but it can be done.

Just buy lots of bandaids. You will be biting your tongue and digging your nails into your hands.

Good Luck!

[menollyrj]

Trapp, thank you for making me giggle about the bandaids.

I went through the day today trying to better filter between what I thought & what I said, but really, I feel like the change needs to be in what I think, rather than what I say. I mean, if my mind drives my mouth, then my mouth isn't really the issue; it's my mind that has to be controlled...or changed...

I also owe lots of people apologies, which I also began to undertake today. Mostly I have to apologize for trying to be "the god of everything" and offering advice where it wasn't/isn't wanted or needed...

Anything worth having is worth struggling for, and I can't imagine anything worth more than the living of a life holy & acceptable to my Creator.

-Joy

[Murron]

Joy - You go, girl. Ditto on the bandaids. Keep workin' it - you're a strong woman.