How do I say this politely?

jessimeredith · #1 07/29/08, 06:40 PM

We moved here when things got rough, lived with my folks for three months until we were on our feet again...contributed to paying the bills AND keeping the house...we've been out since Feb.

Ever since, not a single month has gone by that my mother doesn't call us up, asking for money. It used to not bother me because they always paid it back. BUT since the gas price rise with DH making daily commutes of 40 miles round trip, we can't really afford to be lending them money. I should make it clear here that Dad's retirement is $1k MORE a month that DH's bring home, their bills are $600 less a month than ours AND that Mom babysits for an extra $500 or so a month.

She knows we are strapped for cash, living from paycheck to paycheck but continues to ask for $$ like we have oodles of it flowing in. She got mad at me not more than 20 minutes ago because she asked and I said no, we don't have any (and we don't or I wouldn't have cooked tonight, it would have been pizza night). She's a spender, buys what she wants when she wants it and thinks nothing of the rest of the month. How do I ever so politely tell my mother, the bank is closed?

~Note: I am not adverse to telling her what I really think...done it before with some not so nice colorful language. It was shortly after that I became the favorite child btw~

Ravenlost · #2 07/29/08, 06:43 PM

Just tell her no, you can't afford to loan them money any more. Keep saying no and eventually she should stop asking.

AngieM2 · #3 07/29/08, 06:43 PM

Maybe - just what you put here, " Mom, the bank is closed". And if you want you could say the economy is hitting your income - just as it appears to be hitting her's. And maybe, "I have to live within my income, and expect you have to live within yours."

Angie

PS: sometimes you do have to make a big noise, fuss, to be heard and respected. (I've got one of those t-shirts also).

#4 07/29/08, 06:46 PM

whenever she calls you, ask her to loan you some money. That'll nip that request in the bud, and after a few times she'll get the idea.

AR Cattails · #5 07/29/08, 07:08 PM

Yes, tell her you and your husband were considering asking them for help for a few months since they bring home more money than you and they have less bills.

hintonlady · #6 07/29/08, 07:23 PM

I would mention that you need the money back you lent her last time because times are hard, LOL.

You mention give and loan.....perhaps if that was made clear the situation would resolve itself?

jessimeredith · #7 07/29/08, 07:48 PM

Thank you all...I think I was looking for a bit of outside validation, lol. I just got off the phone with my sister, she recently told Mom her bank was closed so I got a little insight from her too.

Seems that before we moved here, she was hitting up sis monthly. We're closer so the pickins were apparently easier. And she was supposed to pay gran's electric bill with some of the money sis sent her back in October, she didn't...sis cut her off.

Looks like it's all up to my brother now!

**Tiempo** · #8 07/29/08, 07:52 PM

"Sorry Mom, I'd love to help, but we just don't have it right now".

Can't get blood from a stone.

nehimama · #9 07/29/08, 07:53 PM

All you have to say is "no", politely, of course. No explanation necessary; just say "I'm sorry; I can't".

NeHi

AngieM2 · #10 07/29/08, 07:54 PM

You might want to give your brother a heads up on the situation of the Two Sister's banks being closed.

Angie

jessimeredith · #11 07/29/08, 07:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AngieM2

You might want to give your brother a heads up on the situation of the Two Sister's banks being closed.

Angie

Should but Sis did already...Mom tried to hit her up for money last week and Sis knew it was getting to this point for me. Besides after the convo I had with mom about SIL yesterday, she won't be asking them for money anytime soon. SIL and Mom get along so well because they are two of a kind. Both spending regardless...a true credit to consumerism.

starjj · #12 07/29/08, 08:07 PM

I would explain to her FIRMLY that you are not in the position to loan anymore money EVER. I would also take the time to point out that their income is more than yours and perhaps if she is in a bind for money she needs to change her spending habits. No one likes tough love but sometimes you have to go there.

Beaners · #13 07/29/08, 08:09 PM

Are you sure our families aren't related?

Kayleigh

HalfpintHomestd · #14 07/29/08, 08:15 PM

Just say no. There is no need to be rude or even explain anything to her. If you point out what they make and what you make it will just start a fight or worse there will be a sob story that leads you to lending money you don't have.

jessimeredith · #15 07/29/08, 08:31 PM

Could be Kayleigh!! lol

Had a couple of roaming great-great grandfathers, so you really just never know!

I don't think I'll say much to her about her spending, it's a subject she and Dad "discuss" monthly and have since as far back as I can remember. But I think pointing out the difference in the incomes plus the fact that we have two little people besides us here would be worth the fight. It's just her, Dad and the dogs (oh and the cat which nobody cares for).

I've been debating the repercussions of invading her LARGE (ahem, at least 15 of those 50 gallon totes) fabric stash the next time she asks for money. Get the fabrics I've been dying to have and would put to use, then hand her cash for them. Requires no pay back from her, I get the fabric I want/need to make clothes and Dad gets some of his basement/garage back.

AngieM2 · #16 07/29/08, 08:41 PM

fabric shopping - kills two birds with one exchange - Neat.

Ann-NWIowa · #17 07/29/08, 09:56 PM

You might try putting your feelings into a letter. Simply state that you cannot continue to give her money (and you are giving if she doesn't repay), that it is unfair for you and your family to do without in order for her to have luxuries you cannot even think of having, and that it hurts your feelings to tell her no -- so please do not ask again. Putting it into a letter prevents unkind words being exchanged in the heat of the moment and for some reason seeing it in writing has more of an impact on most people. I had to draw the line with my kids. They constantly had things dh and I were doing without and then asking us for money. I told them the bank was closed and not to ask again. Since my kids were trained from little that when mom says NO she means it, they quit asking.

MarleneS · #18 07/30/08, 06:54 AM

Gift idea for mom -- a book on budgeting

Marlene

WindowOrMirror · #19 07/30/08, 06:56 AM

I don't understand when the term "polite" came to mean, "say only nice things nicely". In fact, were that the real meaning of the word, the word would not exist! If you are only saying nice things, it is, by default, "polite". The word was coined to define a set of actions whereby a person could say things that would be distasteful to the receiving party in such a way as to be non-confrontational and keep the negative emotions to a minimum.

You simply say, "Mom, I haven't the money to run my household and continue to give to you. I love you, but I cannot give you any more money". I wouldn't recommend solutions to her, because the could be insulting. I wouldn't explain myself, because she will wonder why she isn't more important than those other things. Simply give the truth, in a straightforward manner.

just my $0.02,

R

oldmania · #20 07/30/08, 08:12 AM

Is this mother part of "your folks" that you lived with for three months while getting on your feet? If so, when you say no to her, I would hope you never need to live with her for three months again.