was I wrong? am I guilty?

[sherry in Maine]

Have a kid with multiple disabilities. One of them is apraxia, a lack of speech; she can vocalize, but very poor at clear (or even near clear) speech, altho she's getting a bit better as time goes on. Another 'issue' is compulsive eating, so she's obese. I realize that to many who see her, she's a big joke, not a human being, I guess. I ignore those people (fortunately we know lots of nice 'human beings')
My kid has 'issues' with transitions, makes it hell to get her up early as well as other stuff. She also has anxieties because she lacks social skills other kids pick up easily.
Took her to school late, was feeling awful from the struggle I'd had getting her up to go to school. (which by the way, she likes, and doesn't want to homeschool, I've asked her repeatedly). I am sure I didn't look as beautiful or agreeable as all the other moms who come in to the front office . . . . . . .Another mom took notice of my kid, who'd just 'told' me something (vocalizing) along with signing, she was in a bad mood (my child, I mean) She (other mom) and the secretary behind the counter both shared 'amusement' and made sport about my kid. I dont jump to conclusions about people making fun of her, and I often just ignore it because I dont want to make my kid feel bad, incase she hasn't noticed it. Too many mouthbreathers on the planet, in my opinion, why get excited about it? I dont know if my kid noticed or not; sometimes she does, and it's wrong. I made eye contact with the secretary, and she knew I saw her behavior. She was extremely polite to my daughter for the next couple of days, but I really stewed. That lady isn't nice anyway, even from the beginning when we first came to that school, unpleasant. Whatever her agenda is, I get tired of her, fast.
After seeing her commiserating with the principal, who apparently relies on her opinions & thinks what she says is 'gospel' I decided to enlighten him on her behavior. There's plenty of 'no bullying' and 'accept our differences' posters all around the school, so why shouldn't the front office hold to those standards too? He got mad & defensive, more or less called me a liar, and then told me he keep my 'confidentiality'. I merely said 'thanks' and praised him for his excellent decision making skills. Forgot about it; until next time I saw that twit of a secretary--boy is she mad! She got caught in bad behavior, and I guess she thinks she should be excused for it!
Was I wrong to bring it to principal's attention? should I have let it slide? I see her frequently, have to deal with her, and bear her no ill feelings, (except for that-and now that I dumped on the principal, I am not angry). She knew her behavior was wrong. That very morning I went in and explained to vice principal that mornings were becoming increasingly hard on us. As I left the office, she had skittered over to his door and was listening to what I said. I didn't mention her at that time, because I was busy telling him that and something else.
This is a long rambling space just to justify my ratting out the secretary, so please ignore all this wasted space.
Sherry

[Ardie/WI]

My opinion is to continue to stand up for your daughter. I wish that when I was a handicapped, chubby child, someone would have stood up for me!

Please go to that secretary and explain that someday, somewhere she will have to pay for her amusement over a handicapped child. Karma is funny--or not so funny when a person is on the receivng end.

[Rockytopsis]

If I read this right, the secretary made fun of your daughter and when you took it to the principal her called you a liar------thats when I would be going over heads and going to the school board. There was no need for those folks to act that way and they do not belong in a public or private school system.

JMO Nancy

[Terri]

Were you wrong?

No. She was.

Then again, you have to deal with the secretary for a long time, so it might have been a tactical error. For rudeness, yes, it is your job to advocate for your child. Report away! For an amused look, though, it makes her harder to deal with in the years to come.

You were not wrong, just perhaps tactless.

[JediMom]

I work at my DD's school with the special needs children. Not only were you correct in reporting this behavior to the principal, I think the secretary should be fired. I am sure this won't happen, though. It's hard enough when children are bullied and made fun of by their own peers, but when an adult does it, it's even worse. I agree with Nancy. Take it to the board. Then SQUEAK like crazy (the squeaky wheel gets the oil.)

[mwhit]

I agree with Rockytopsis. I would go to the superintendent of schools or school board or comittee of special education and discuss your concerns. It is never never acceptable for an adult that works in a school situation to make fun of (or even look funny at) a disabled child. I would have said something to her right at the moment, but I'm not always the most PC person.

Michelle

[unregistered29228]

You were absolutely right to go to the principal, and he was wrong to tell the secretary what you said. Or did she eavesdrop? Either way, I would go to the school board if this woman is ANYTHING other than kind, respectful and polite to you and your child from now on.

It's not even just that your daughter is handicapped. It's that this secretary has a job dealing with the public, paid by your tax dollars, and has no right to be anything other than professional to any parent, student or visitor.

But anyone who would make fun of a handicapped child (or even adult) needs to be called on it. Sometimes bullies from our childhood go on to be cliquey adults. Only, as adults we know how to handle it better...

[sherry in Maine]

Nancy, afterward, principal emailed me and 'thanked me for my candor' 'he always enjoyed my directness and candid behavior' hah!! I emailed him back that I believe men dont like 'candor' in a woman because it makes men very defensive; they consider women with 'candor and directness' 'witches with a b'. He had nothing to say about it, so perhaps he agrees.
He apparently did speak with her; I wont carry it further. One of the first things out of his mouth (after denying it happened) was 'why didn't I take care of it myself?' (oops-thought I did by informing him, her boss) I didn't explain that if I took care of it myself, he might not care for the outcome.
Ardie, who else will stand for my kid, if not me?
The people at her grade school were excellent, including the front office folks. More than once, I saw 'mouth breathers' trying to make a joke of my kid; but all those people behaved professionally, and kindly to my kid. The first day I took her to middle school, I knew that era was all done.
Sherry

[sherry in Maine]

Terri, I was not tactless. I said nothing to her at the time, she was the one who misbehaved (with another more beautiful, more lovely, more enlightened & superior mom)
I will continue to address any concerns about my kid. Funny, it's always adults who behave this way. (not all, or even very many, I mean, but not kids who do it, or not that I see anyway)

[Ardie/WI]

Originally Posted by mwhit

I agree with Rockytopsis. I would go to the superintendent of schools or school board or comittee of special education and discuss your concerns. It is never never acceptable for an adult that works in a school situation to make fun of (or even look funny at) a disabled child. I would have said something to her right at the moment, but I'm not always the most PC person.

Michelle

My advice is to discuss these concerns with a higher up. Even document it. In the future, it might come in handy.

Bless you for being such a caring mother.

[hintonlady]

Let me get this straight, he called you a liar BEFORE ever consulting with the woman? Just assumed you were making it up or..??

NEVER allow youself to be bullied or intimidated by people who should be in authority. If they abuse their powers it is up to you to advocate for yourself and daughter.

Her behavior (assuming you were not hyper sensitive that day) was uncalled for and so was his. It is not his job to be defensive, dismissive and apologetic after the fact. That is highly unprofessional.

Your actions were those of a protective mother, your level of tact far overshadowed that of the others in the situation.

Were you guilty, I can't say but if it were me I would have made a very ugly scene as soon as daughter was away from view. You were much more civilized than I could have been.

[PonderosaQ]

NO you were completely RIGHT to bring this matter to the principles attention. I raised two mentally ill children and we saw it all too down to spray painting on the road outside our house. Also had a nurse in the hospital treat my daughter like ---- after she tried suicide. She also asked me point blank how my child could have done this "to me?" Duh, the girl was ill and wanted to endthe pain, it had nothing to do with doing anything to me. "Professionals" like this should not be dealing with our children. In your school it sounds like they are teaching childre the old "do as I say not as I do".
As Sherry said "who else will stand for my kid if not me". I know it's very difficult when you have to be around those people. Post when you need support from others of us that have raised exceptionally special children too.

PQ

[MorrisonCorner]

Originally Posted by sherry in Maine

Terri, I was not tactless. I said nothing to her at the time, she was the one who misbehaved (with another more beautiful, more lovely, more enlightened & superior mom)
I will continue to address any concerns about my kid. Funny, it's always adults who behave this way. (not all, or even very many, I mean, but not kids who do it, or not that I see anyway)

I know, from personal experience, that "the beautiful people" are sometimes VERY difficult to take. They have an ingrained sense of their own social superiority which is an affront to anyone who isn't a member of their little inner social circle, and which can be very painful when you're the one on the pointy end of their little barbs.

While it may not help, the next time you confront one of these women I suggest you remind yourself of the following:

Social status is fleeting. That woman is one paycheck, one divorce, one car wreck, away from losing her ability to be one of the Ladies Who Lunch. And speaking as someone who has observed this first hand, the loss of that status will be appallingly painful.

The ability, such as you have, to cope with the challenges of a child with needs, is a great and amazing strength. And while she is looking down her nose at you, chances are she is not looking down her nose at your ability to cope with your circumstances. In fact she is probably offering up prayers of thanks that she isn't walking in your shoes.

That said, the skill to call someone, politely, on bad behavior has not been handed out evenly. How many of us can think, an hour after the fact, of the perfect way a stressful situation might have been handled? This is why I spend a fair amount of time driving around talking to myself. I role play how I'm going to handle a situation when it arises so the response comes out of my mouth smoothly and with the right emphasis.

However, the issue here is that the secretary (and possibly other mothers) have learned they can get their jollies by bullying or sneering at you. That can be extremely damaging to your self-image and feelings of personal competence. It can make you feel inferior and defensive.

In a similar situation when my daughter started to communicate I might have asked both women if they understood sign language, or did they need you to interpret for them? Then I would translate what my daughter was saying, and include them in the conversation:

"My daughter is asking YOU if she can head to class now."

The natural response is to respond to the interpreter (people have a very hard time "talking" to the person they can't understand).

So the secretary says "tell her..."

And you say "no, she understands you, her challenge is in communicating herself. You can speak directly to her. If you'd like I can teach you some sign language so you can understand her communication, or you can have me interpret for you."

At this point, my guess is the secretary will become very flustered. Flustered is not compatible with feelings of superiority. The secretary might become rude, or try to include the other woman in her efforts to be rude. At which point you include the other woman in the drama:

"Oh, do you understand sign language? Oh.. no? There are classes offered at..."

Please understand that for these women there is an underlying assumption that children like your DD don't happen to women like them. There is an assumption that you did something vaguely wrong: you are not like them because they are "good" women, and therefore they could not have a child like your DD. Since this is an utterly false assumption on their part at some point in their lives they will be called upon to deal, lovingly, with a child like your DD... and with any luck at all, a smidgen of compassion may enter their hearts.

Until then, you are sort of in a position of embarrassing them into decent behavior.

However... emailing the principal and telling him his note to you was insincere? Not calculated to win you points or positively influence people. I'd suggest that even if you believe he is completely insincere you treat his remarks as gospel truth... and then hold him to that standard, instead of contradicting him, which now gives him an "out" for ignoring you.

[S.A.J.]

Originally Posted by Rockytopsis

If I read this right, the secretary made fun of your daughter and when you took it to the principal her called you a liar------thats when I would be going over heads and going to the school board. There was no need for those folks to act that way and they do not belong in a public or private school system.

JMO Nancy

I agree, not only for your child but others too. I find it hard to believe this secretary is just doing this to your kid. Someone like that does not need to work at a school. Think about the long term affect it would have on your child, the next time this secretary "shares amusement" and your child is aware. You NEED to bring this to the attention of the school board. This secretary could decide to be a real b**** and give ya'll hell everyday. What does she have to lose? You already 'told on her' and nothing happened, so what's stopping her? Obviously, she cares nothing about children. I would tell her teacher what happened too.
I shouldn't of wondered into this thread, it's too early to be this mad.
You've got to be a good 'morning person' because if that were me my brain would not of been awake enough to deal with that properly.
You should post your Board of Education address, if they got enough letters saying what this woman did and our opinions about it they would do something. It's like JediMom said the squeeky wheel gets the oil.

[AJ Williams]

Originally Posted by mwhit

It is never never acceptable for an adult that works in a school situation to make fun of (or even look funny at) a disabled child.
Michelle

It is never and I mean never right for any adult to make fun of any child in any situation. Disabled or able bodied children all have feelings. I think I would go to the special Education section of the School Board and file a complaint. If they don't help out go to the State Board of Education.

[sewsilly]

I teach special education. First and very importantly, DOCUMENT this behavior. Sit down now and write up the date and time of the initial incident, to include the accusation by the principal of your being a liar. Keep copies of all emails, as they are documentation.

Continue to document, until you have a certain 'trail', perhaps 5 incidences. Take it to the district superintendant, making certain to let him know that everything is fully documented.

You may be surprised how fast things get straightened up.

ONLY if they think they'll come to no harm, will this continue. If they are aware of documentation,, and a serious threat, will it end.

Carbon copy any emails (where they can see that you are CC'ing) to the head of the Special Ed at the district level.

Title your emails something like "documentation for discrimination".

Bet you'll get some fast answers.

dawn

[Melissa]

Originally Posted by MorrisonCorner

I know, from personal experience, that "the beautiful people" are sometimes VERY difficult to take. They have an ingrained sense of their own social superiority which is an affront to anyone who isn't a member of their little inner social circle, and which can be very painful when you're the one on the pointy end of their little barbs.

While it may not help, the next time you confront one of these women I suggest you remind yourself of the following:

Social status is fleeting. That woman is one paycheck, one divorce, one car wreck, away from losing her ability to be one of the Ladies Who Lunch. And speaking as someone who has observed this first hand, the loss of that status will be appallingly painful.

The ability, such as you have, to cope with the challenges of a child with needs, is a great and amazing strength. And while she is looking down her nose at you, chances are she is not looking down her nose at your ability to cope with your circumstances. In fact she is probably offering up prayers of thanks that she isn't walking in your shoes.

That said, the skill to call someone, politely, on bad behavior has not been handed out evenly. How many of us can think, an hour after the fact, of the perfect way a stressful situation might have been handled? This is why I spend a fair amount of time driving around talking to myself. I role play how I'm going to handle a situation when it arises so the response comes out of my mouth smoothly and with the right emphasis.

However, the issue here is that the secretary (and possibly other mothers) have learned they can get their jollies by bullying or sneering at you. That can be extremely damaging to your self-image and feelings of personal competence. It can make you feel inferior and defensive.

In a similar situation when my daughter started to communicate I might have asked both women if they understood sign language, or did they need you to interpret for them? Then I would translate what my daughter was saying, and include them in the conversation:

"My daughter is asking YOU if she can head to class now."

The natural response is to respond to the interpreter (people have a very hard time "talking" to the person they can't understand).

So the secretary says "tell her..."

And you say "no, she understands you, her challenge is in communicating herself. You can speak directly to her. If you'd like I can teach you some sign language so you can understand her communication, or you can have me interpret for you."

At this point, my guess is the secretary will become very flustered. Flustered is not compatible with feelings of superiority. The secretary might become rude, or try to include the other woman in her efforts to be rude. At which point you include the other woman in the drama:

"Oh, do you understand sign language? Oh.. no? There are classes offered at..."

Please understand that for these women there is an underlying assumption that children like your DD don't happen to women like them. There is an assumption that you did something vaguely wrong: you are not like them because they are "good" women, and therefore they could not have a child like your DD. Since this is an utterly false assumption on their part at some point in their lives they will be called upon to deal, lovingly, with a child like your DD... and with any luck at all, a smidgen of compassion may enter their hearts.

Until then, you are sort of in a position of embarrassing them into decent behavior.

However... emailing the principal and telling him his note to you was insincere? Not calculated to win you points or positively influence people. I'd suggest that even if you believe he is completely insincere you treat his remarks as gospel truth... and then hold him to that standard, instead of contradicting him, which now gives him an "out" for ignoring you.

Priceless...

[SunsetSonata]

Originally Posted by sherry in Maine

I am sure I didn't look as beautiful or agreeable as all the other moms who come in to the front office . . . . . . .Another mom took notice of my kid, who'd just 'told' me something (vocalizing) along with signing, she was in a bad mood (my child, I mean) She (other mom) and the secretary behind the counter both shared 'amusement' and made sport about my kid. I dont jump to conclusions about people making fun of her

May I ask how they made sport of your daughter? I notice we all just take your word that she is being made fun of. You also sound understandably sensitive. First of all you point out right away that you "didn't look as beautiful or agreeable" as if you think those around you automatically judge you before anything is even done or said.

I'm not disagreeing with you, I'm just making sure that these "professionals" truly were insensitive, and not that you were being overly sensitive. What do you mean they were making sport? Inexcusable! But I'd just like to make sure that their intent really was hostile and snooty.

I'm curious because I'm imagining the doctor's office where I work. If a kid starts acting up in the waiting room and Mom is trying to control it (or even if she's not), someone - me, a doctor, a fellow patient, anyone - might make some amused comment in commiseration just to acknowledge that we've been there or otherwise understand and it's ok. I'm wondering if this is ever misunderstood. Were those two people trying to share a laugh (not nice!) behind your back? How dare they come right out and "make sport"? That's why I'm wondering what they did - I can't imagine anyone being that rude and unprofessional, but you may have found those people!

[sherry in Maine]

thanks you all! I know how to address folks who make fun of my child; it didn't have anything to do with not knowing sign language, it was all about ignorance. The other mom was not superior - I was being facetious. I dont suffer any lack of self image, and no one can take anything from me. I worry about my kid, I can only shield her so much.
Yes, my email to principal, referring to HIS insincere remarks about 'thank you for your candor' was probably wrong, but sent it to make him aware I knew he was full of baloney. In same email, I also praised all of the good stuff the teachers, therapists, other staff had done.
His email to me was definitely a 'cya' and he knew I'd take action. (I am a squeaky wheel. I wasn't sure how noisy yet I'd have been about it beyond him) I like the guy, but have seen how he listens too much to that woman and doesn't take his own council. I frequently hear her tell him, 'I wont steer you wrong . . . ."
thanks for your input you all. I haven't mentioned it again to anyone, and soon is coming up an annual update of dd i.e.p. I doubt I will mention it again.
Sherry

[Queen Bee]

The only thing wrong (IMHO) was that it wasn't taken care of when it happened! EVEN if it weren't my child, I would have told them about their childish, rude behavior! We expect children to be accepting and then adults act like this...I don't think so! So what, the witch is mad...I would tell her she better be glad I only went to the front office and not the county or state office! Queen Bee