Taser Classic

[Jan Doling]

A friend received this as a form email...don't tell me you can read this without laughing... (Only a guy would do this!)

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of el ectricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad.

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock (literally),
Unsigned

[Murray in ME]

That is to funny!

[Old John]

Laughing Like Crazy Out Loud.I was Cackling even!
The Dog was looking at me..............
I could see-ee-ee it Coming.
Oh my, thank you.

I am Sorry you had such a Hard Lesson.
I have seen demonstrations. No Thanks!
I really do Not need to see for Myself.

[georgec]

I would have given the cat just a little zap. LOL

[Kmac15]

I have an ADHD son and husband...I saw it coming from the 2nd sentence LOL

I have tears coming from laughter on my face

Thank you for the great pick-me-up

[prometheus]

Originally Posted by georgec

I would have given the cat just a little zap. LOL

Yup, good to keep 'em guessing, cuts down on those "someday while you sleep, I will kill you, eat you, and then rule the world" looks.

[Windy in Kansas]

Reminds me--of the "Hey, you all look at this!" jokes.

[lvshrs]

Oh my...that was way too funny I think it took me about 5 mins to quit laughing so I could type...just rolling....

[Aintlifegrand]

LOL....

Every male in my family would have done the same.. the only difference is not one of them would have ever told the story!

[sewtlm]

ROFLMAO

Now my sides hurt. :banana02:

It reminded me of the department head at the store where I used to work wanting to know about a dog shock collar. I've never seen something thrown so far in my life.

[CraftyDiva]

Sounds like the perfect gift for fathers to give to thier teenage girls who are starting to date. LOL