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12/23/07, 09:19 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 4,534
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What exactly is considered being controlling?
My DD16 has a boyfriend she's been going out with him since Sept.. On and off anyways. We liked him he seemed friendly and polite.. and outgoing.. Tonight i asked her is she wanted to give Christmas cookies to him for Christmas she said no.. I asked well are you still going out with him? she said "yeah for now".. I looked at her confused she said he gets on my nerves and he's controlling, I said controlling as how?
She said when she broke up with him last time he wouldn't talk to her at all, and said if they broke up he wouldn't be her friend or talk to her, and she didn't want to hurt his feelings, I said well your feelings are important too, she said yea but he has a way of making me feel guilty? odd.. I don't know what to think of that.
They went to Homecoming together, and well he kissed her, that was her first kiss and has been looking forward to her first kiss, the next week he tells her I haven't wanted to kiss you anymore because your not a good kisser.. What?? He says how many boys have you kissed anyways? She's not the type that kisses alot of boys, and I'm thankful for that!! So she tells him only one, and he says so I figured.. So that really hurt her feelings, so she tried breaking up with him they had a long talk but she wanted out of it, so he decides he won't talk to her at all! and she feels bad??! Why?? I told her tonight she deserves alot better then that and theres the right guy out there somewhere, anyways she's got alot of living to do and really guys right now shouldn't be at the top of her list..
I looked up controlling boyfriends and some of the stuff listed kinda sounds like it could be.. I just know controlling boyfriends can grow into bigger problems down the road.
Oh and they've never went on a one on one date either.. She always goes with a group of friends when they are together, I wonder if she's afraid to be alone with him? maybe grasping at straws on that one, just a guess. 
What do you all think? I sometimes hate to put personal stuff on here, but i'am curious if anyones had experience with this type of thing?
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12/23/07, 09:25 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: MS
Posts: 24,572
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I think she's better off without him.
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12/23/07, 09:41 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Newfoundland, Canada
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speaking as a guy, who has worked for years with kids this age, this boy sounds like real "jerk" in training. tell your daughter that its no guilt to drop someone like this. his insecurity and contolling nature will only make her unhappy and no one deserves that. she should have a happy adolesence not remember spending the whole time with someone who makes her feel less than she is.
just my .02
dean
PS i have worked with young people for about 20 years all told.
__________________
Hope is something you give yourself in your darkest moments, this is the true meaning of selfreliance.
greetings from the far east of the western world
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12/23/07, 10:26 PM
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Halfway, OR & Wagoner, OK
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: I live in Oregon part time, and Oklahoma part time. Nice, huh?
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Dean hit it dead center. Red flag right away! Any guy who would tell a young girl that she is "not a good kisser" is a L O S E R and should be dropped at once.
And if he doesn't want to talk to her after that...so what? Oh well.
Your girl deserves better than this guy.
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12/23/07, 10:39 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Metro east St Louis Illinois
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She is 16! Full of emotion and kinda young to get into anything serious.
I have 3 neices all about this age now! I am glad I am not a 16 year old girl today.
He is I would think the same age? 16-17 year old boy being controling. I do not think so. Prob, just toying with her to get what every (well most) 16-18 year old boys are after.
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12/23/07, 11:03 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: TN
Posts: 105
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Good for her to be able to see what a jerk he is, with her only being 16! Sounds like she knows what warning signs to look out for! Smart girl! 
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12/23/07, 11:06 PM
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: OlyPen
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It's called emotional blackmail and he is jerking her around. The kid is controlling, emotionally abusive and a total loser.
Build your daughter up, let her know it is not okay for a boy to treat her that way and she is not to put up with it. Give your daughter a way out, tell her she is not allowed to go out with or speak to him again.
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Please wait until you see a man at his worst before you give him your heart, because once you do it will affect your judgment.
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12/23/07, 11:11 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Metro east St Louis Illinois
Posts: 1,377
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Laura
It's called emotional blackmail and he is jerking her around. The kid is controlling, emotionally abusive and a total loser.
Build your daughter up, let her know it is not okay for a boy to treat her that way and she is not to put up with it. Give your daughter a way out, tell her she is not allowed to go out with or speak to him again.
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That sounds like very good advice. I do not have any of my own children. Let along a 16 year old daughter. I would support he in not being taken advantage of or have her emotionans played with.
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12/23/07, 11:12 PM
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Oregon, just West of Portland
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16 is a bit young to be physically/emotionally involved anyway.
He's not only controlling - he's manipulative and both traits lead towards abuse.
Do yourself and your daughter a favor and just allow her to go on group dates. Allowing teenagers to be alone is asking for emotional damage.
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12/23/07, 11:15 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: WI
Posts: 1,910
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Listen to your gut Mom...
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12/23/07, 11:32 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Eastern N.C.
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If you can find some pictures and articles about abusive husbands. Show her the pictures of women beaten by these creeps and would she like to be on them. Chances are pretty good she will be on that picture if she is tied to This guy if she does not do everything he says. It will get worse. If he seems to controlling now, just wait till ( IF) they get married and he thinks he owns her. DROP THIS CREEP. WHILE YOU STILL CAN. There are too many good and respectable guys in this world for her settle for the likes of him, when she can choose from the pick of the litter or cream of the crop. Keep Shopping till you find yours, he's out there. Just keep looking. Eddie
Last edited by EDDIE BUCK; 12/23/07 at 11:42 PM.
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12/23/07, 11:52 PM
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Banned
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 3,368
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Petunia40
she said yea but he has a way of making me feel guilty? odd.. I don't know what to think of that.
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Yes, you do-- it's what got your attention.
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I wonder if she's afraid to be alone with him? maybe grasping at straws on that one, just a guess.
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Probably a good guess!
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What do you all think? I sometimes hate to put personal stuff on here, but i'am curious if anyones had experience with this type of thing?
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Yup, BTDT. Tell her to run... There are plenty of nice young men that do not control and manipulate their girlfriends
Michelle
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12/23/07, 11:52 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Oregon
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Hopefully your daughter can untangle herself from him! I'm sure it can be hard with school where she has to see him or the have the same friends. I got involved with a boy when I was 15, lets just say it didn't end well. Trust me, it is best to untangle herself before she gets too far in, the longer it goes, the farther in she gets, the harder it gets to get out. Just tell her 16 is too young to be this involved with ANY boy and especially not a boy that does not respect her.
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Idleness is leisure gone to seed
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12/24/07, 12:23 AM
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Nohoa Homestead
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: SW Missouri near Branson (Cape Fair)
Posts: 5,398
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My gut instinct on this is not good. You see he figuring out how to push her buttons to make her do what HE wants her to do by jerking her emotions around - making her feel bad, etc. Believe me, you do not want a boy manipulating your daughters emotions like that. Even if he is only doing it for fun, that is sick. Sooner or later he is going to try to put the pressure on for the "big stuff" if you know what I mean (not kissing!!!) and she is going to be so used to trying to please this boy so she won't feel bad that she might give in to him to win his affection and approval.
This boy is very disrespectful to her. I would definitely do what I could to make her see that this relationship is not healthy.
donsgal
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Life is what happens while you are making other plans. (John Lennon)
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12/24/07, 12:51 AM
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: OlyPen
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Be sure to remind your daughter that there are lots of nice boys who will respect her for not having a lot of kissing experience!
Kick this creep to the curb!
__________________
Please wait until you see a man at his worst before you give him your heart, because once you do it will affect your judgment.
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12/24/07, 01:20 AM
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Banned
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Dysfunction Junction, SW PA
Posts: 4,808
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ah... well....
if she stays with him she will be all prepped for a nice long abusive marriage.
I guess thats.... good....
Jr. needs his behind dumped.
he isnt controlling, he is
MANIPULATIVE.
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12/24/07, 04:49 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: NO VA
Posts: 1,989
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I agree with pp's, he's a manipulative not very kind person. I'd say good riddance, she deserves much better. Manipulation is a controling behavior and the way he does it, tells me it will not get better, and can potentially get worse.
Reese
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12/24/07, 05:49 AM
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Furry Without A Clue
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: NW Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,236
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Yup, I gotta agree with the majority. I've been in enough of those relationships to know. She can find better, and deserves it! This jerk needs to take a hike.
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Nevermore 
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12/24/07, 05:55 AM
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Banned
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Metro east St Louis Illinois
Posts: 1,377
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by comfortablynumb
ah... well....
if she stays with him she will be all prepped for a nice long abusive marriage.
I guess thats.... good....
Jr. needs his behind dumped.
he isnt controlling, he is
MANIPULATIVE.
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She is 16. I would think she would have 4-10 more boy freinds before she gets married.
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12/24/07, 06:08 AM
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Mansfield, VT for 200 yrs
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: VT
Posts: 3,736
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The advice to "give her a way out" is spot on. Sit her down and tell her you've thought about this. Outline the behavior that concerns you and explain to her why you are concerned... and then tell her that you've decided she can't see this boy any more. Ask her if she would like to tell the boy herself (at your home, in your living room) or if she would like you to tell the boy (again, on your turf).
You can't really stop her from seeing him, but you can give her an excuse for not seeing him that isn't her "fault." "My parents... they're just insane Bill... and if they knew I was hanging out with you..."
THEN give her something else to occupy her time. The new year is coming... get her involved in "something else" which does not involve this boy but takes up a swath of time. I'm not saying it will be easy, but what is easier? Stomping all over this thing now, or dealing with a broken daughter later?
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