Have you been abopted, or have you adopted

[airotciv]

We adopted one of our sons 30 years ago. We have been looking for his sibblings for 10 years or more. Well he/me found two sister in the last month. And we found out that his older bother died about 6 years ago. Now here is the problem. One of the sisters came to visit the son. She seems to be very nice. But, the stories she tells are not want is in the records. I call my Attorney, check things out for me. Story to my son from sister, the state took them a way, because mom was flakey, she never ment to give us away. Well, she gave 6 children up in 4 states, was charged with child abuse, prostitution and is wanted in 2 states. I will never tell him what I Know. I should just let things go and be happy he has 2 new sisters in his life? Right?

[whiterock]

I was adopted at birth. My folks put the birth mother up and paid her bills. They denied knowing her to me. After Daddy died, and Momma was mentally gone, I located the birth mother. Two weeks before my 46th birthday.

I have two half brothers and a half sister, and the half bros. and I have become bery close friends and I visit them regularly.

Ed

[mpillow]

Our 6yo is adopted. She has lived with us since 5m old and I went to grade school with her mentally retarded mother whom was raped by her (then)BIL (a convicted sex offender twice her age). My daughter will be very disappointed when she's old enough to hear the truth, but it is the truth and she is entitled to it IMO.

[moopups]

While I am rather sure there are step siblings out there I am not going to seek them out, there is no good reason to do such. Why complicate someone's reality?

[GSFarm]

My daddy has been looking for hiis family for many years now. Never found a soul related to him by blood. Records say that his mother came to America from Japan to study, ended up pregnant with an Italian man's child. It's considered a disgrace to not be married so before any of her family found out she gave my father away. She's in Japan now so I hope to go one day and see if I can find anything.

[debra in ks]

Originally Posted by mpillow

My daughter will be very disappointed when she's old enough to hear the truth, but it is the truth and she is entitled to it IMO.

You might want to rethink that position. I was adopted at 12 hours old. My folks started telling me from a few months old how my Mommy couldn't take care of me, so they took me in and loved me. No mention was ever made about my father and I never asked. It could have been similar circumstances to your child, but if it was, I'm glad they didn't tell me. You don't have to tell your daughter everything. I'd tell her, her mother couldn't care for her and leave it at that. If she asks about her Dad, I'd just tell her you don't know. No one wants to go through life knowing they're the product of rape. Telling her about the rape seems very cruel and could leave scars I doubt you want to be resposible for. Asuming you love her very much, please rethink what this might do to your daughter.

[mpillow]

I'm only going to tell her if she asks....but having had first hand experience myself with similar circumstances I feel quite able to explain, help, support and move past it if need be.

[Traci Ann]

I was adopted by my step father. I know who by birth father's family is. I dearly love my grandfather - although is is MUCH MUCH nicer to me than he was to my father. Hence the reason my biofather is messed up.

I know of my siblings but not all personally.

My dh has a father he never knew, he left before dh can remember him. Dh doesn't want to find him. Dh's mom told me that she knew of several siblings from his dad. He doesn't want to meet them.

[Terri]

It gives my daughter comfort to know that her Mother wanted her and that the state took the children away. It comforts her to know that her Mother wanted her and went to court to try to keep her.

Even if her Mother was.....not much.....

[Terri]

Originally Posted by mpillow

Our 6yo is adopted. She has lived with us since 5m old and I went to grade school with her mentally retarded mother whom was raped by her (then)BIL (a convicted sex offender twice her age). My daughter will be very disappointed when she's old enough to hear the truth, but it is the truth and she is entitled to it IMO.

Your daughter, as an adult, will be able to track down the truth herself if she wants it.

I have told my daughter some of the truth: I will not tell her all of it. IF she takes the effort to hunt facts down she will learn more, but by the time she succeeds I think she will be older than 18 and so less vulnerable. That would be a good thing!

Her bio-Mother could not take care of her kids, though she did try, and I told her this. I do not know her Father, and I do not care to pass on speculations. I will not volenteer information about her bio-Moms living arrangements: that would sting and so if she wants to know she will have to find it herself.

I HAVE told her a LITTLE about her bio-Mothers mental health problems, that she tried to care for her children but did not succeed and so the State took the kids away. Over their Moms objections.

I would CONSIDER! telling her more IF she asks, providing she is at least 30!!!!!!!

[Shawna]

Ugh, I have such mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I feel it's important to be up-front with what information you have...ESPECIALLY if your child is trying to search for bio family. On the other hand, I know as a parent you want to shelter your child against potentially hurtful things.

I was adopted three days before my fourth birthday. I always knew I was adopted. My parents (adoptive parents) lied to me about what they knew, even though they knew I always wanted to know about my bio parents. My mom and dad knew my birthname, knew there were other siblings, knew my birthfather had died, etc....things that would have made my years of searching easier. I was angry for a long time that they didn't come clean with me.

I found my birthfather's family about 8 years ago. I met quite a few of them, along with an older brother. I know of a younger sister, but have no info on her except a birthname and birthdate. My birthmother does not sound like a very nice person, and I do not wish to meet her. She sounds alot like what you are describing....multiple affairs (and thus children with multiple fathers), drug and alcohol abuse, etc. I found out the reason we were taken by CPS was she went on drinking binges and left us with neighbors for days on end. One neighbor apparantly had enough of it and reported her.

I think if your child asks you outright, then don't lie. But if there's no direct questions about his birthmother, then I'd let things be as they are.

Good luck to you and your family!
Shawna

[cindyc]

I have told my dd, who is chinese, that since adoptions are closed from china, I have no information about her birth mother at all. But since we always try to assign good motives to people in the absence of a good reason not to, we will assume (for now) that her mother was trying to do what was in her best interest when she put her up for adoption. I also tell her that if ever information about her birth mother becomes available, and she wants to know more, I will take her to find her birth mother myself. I tell her to have no expectations if she can manage it. There is just no way to know at this time.
Honestly, I don't know what I would do in the case of the OP. That's tough. I tend to believe that it is the right thing to do to let people live their lives and to believe that they are capable of handling what it throws at them. It has been my experience that people tend to feel betrayed if you have information that they want or need and you don't divulge it, even if it is difficult to hear and then live with. I don't know... that's a tough one.
Cindyc.

[cjb]

It is a hard topic. My adoption story is in this forum under "Adoption Story". We have told our daughter that her mom made an adopt plan for her, because she wanted her to have both a Mommy AND a Daddy. We have not yet told her that her birth father is in jail and that he sued us for custody - but we will tell her the truth when she's old enough.

[longshadowfarms]

My 13 yr old is asking questions and so far we've basically told him there were some details that we feel like he's not ready to deal with yet. I'm not willing to lie but I'm also not ready to share some of those details that are hurtful. He knows we know some more details and that we will share them when we feel that he is ready. There's no easy way to handle it. I truly believe each situation is different and you handle it as best you know when you come to it.

[sss3]

I have 2 adopted children. One at 6 wks, one at 3 wks. DD found her Birth Mother, after a long search. The woman totally rejected her. Thank God she is a very strong young woman. DS doesn't want to look, says what difference does it make now. I think he's being wise.

[Terri]

Oh, yes.

I am PERFECTLY willing to share the bio-Moms SS number so they can track her down and find out about her! I am not trying to hide her.

But, it is my responsibility to not give my child more truth than she can handle. By the time she finds out more, she will be less than naive. Time for her to know more about the world and the trouble people get into would be a plus!

[ginnie5]

I was adopted by my mother's 2nd husband. I remember seeing my birth grandmother when I was little but when it confused my younger sister (from 2nd dh) they made her stop seeing me. Once I was grown my adopted dad didn't really want anything to do with me. he and my mother had split long before. I did meet my bio dad when I was 30. we get together once every few years or so. I have a half sister 10 years younger than me and I wish we had been able to know each other as children. Its kinda hard to make those bonds now. My bio dad's family is not a close family and it seems that is a trait I inherited also. I'm close with dh and my kids but that's about it.

[simplefarmgirl]

I have had my youngest daughter since she was 4 mos old. She has known since day 1 she was adopted, we lived in a small town where every one knows every body, and some one tell her just out of spite. Her mom had 2 other kids by 2 other fathers, even though the same man claimed all 3 kids, including my daughter, he isnt father to any. She has another sisiter and brother she knows and has a good relationship with, not much contact with bio mom after an easter about 01 yrs ago, she psent there and mom drank and daughter called and said that wasnt for her she wanted to come home, and has not been back since.. I have answered all her questions honestly, if they were asked, but didnt offer any extra,, she is now 19yrs old and thanks me for saving her from a life, where she probably wouldnt be here.

[Ann-NWIowa]

I have an adopted dd. We adopted thru an agency and she was less than 3 weeks old when we got her. We were given very little background information and as it turned out not all was accurate. Her mom was 15, her father 19 and married to another woman. DD always was told she was adopted and occasionally asked about her birth parents. We kept the information truthful as far as we'd been told. As a teenager she became determined to find them. Due to a mistake at our attorney's office we knew her birth mother's name and the name dd was given at birth. I told dd that when she was 18 I would give her that information which I did. She searched half heartedly for several years then about 3 years ago hired a online searcher who found her birth mother within 24 hours. DD asked the searcher to make initial contact because I'd always emphasized that birth mother had made sure dd had a good home and dd should be sure not to cause problems to her birth mother should her present family be unaware of the child given up. Turns out birth mother & birth father were still in contact so she was able to meet both plus 7 half-siblings. Birth mother had not wanted to give up her baby but was forced to by her mother with continuing bitterness between them. DD was glad to meet them but after birth parents pushing and demanding etc. dd has backed off from them. Told them to call only once a month. Every time she has contact with birth parents I get an e-mail or phone call thanking us for adopting her. It also turns out that if information given by birth mother at time of adoption is correct, the birth father probably is the brother of the man who claims to be birth father. DD is glad she knows her roots. Her youngest son looks just like the birth father (uncle?). (DD was adopted about a year before the law changed requiring birth father to sign adoption release.) She's also glad she doesn't have to be part of her birth family. BTW all of the birth family including all children and the birth father's wife knew about our dd, knew her by her birth name, and her mother had been looking for her but again the agency had not been entirely truthful with her either. They'd promised dd would keep her birth name a fact that was never mentioned to us. In fact, the middle name we chose was the same as her birth middle name and the social worker gently tried to get us to change it. We did not know until a year later what her birth name was. Also, there was a special gift the birth mom left for dd that was supposed to stay with her but we never received anything.

DD had serious alcohol problems as a teenager and she found alcoholism rampant on both sides of birth family.

[NickieL]

I know I have sisters out there, 3 of them that I have never met. Dh asks sometimes why I don't try to find my birth father (I was given up at 3 years old) and my sisters (who are all younger then me).

I never really know what to feel about it except that If none of them had never wanted anything to do with me, why should I search for them? What would I find if I searched for them? Would it be painful? would it be worth that? My granparents (mother's side) stepped up to the plate at least and took my brothers and me. They never told me much about that part of the family. IT was kind of a taboo subject.

I think at this point, I'd rather just not know. Gosh, now I'm sad....


time to think of something better.