friend's life-style change worries me

[Use Less]

She's a strong woman, long-time single, raised a daughter, built a couple of businesses. I liked her house. Creative clutter, always something neat to look at. She has entered a serious relationship with a HS acquaintance of 40 yrs.ago. He is recently divorced. She was not involved. He has his apt. there, but mostly lives at her house. It started with furnace, water heater, water lines from street all going at once. Built a small deck, yard resurfaced, planted, fenced, fountain. I think those were her ideas. But now it's something practically weekly. Floors refinished, new appliances, books greatly reduced, new shelves, new desks for each, new computer, many paintings & carvings gone, photos of her DD and grandkids missing (and there were many), interesting little stacks such as some kids' books, all gone. It is beautiful like a design magazine, and HE says thank you when people comment on how nice it looks. But it looks sterile to me, same as many of those mag pics. And I had this creepy feeling when he said to someone, "It's coming." There is now a table with a LARGE plant in the double-door opening between the vestibule & the living room. HER best friend commented that it disrupted the feng shui. SHE was VERY adamant that it keeps her clients from thinking the LR is where they should take off their boots & coats. NOT like the person I knew. Obviously not a time for me to put in my 2 cents' worth!! But keep feeling worried, uncomfortable. Thoughts, please? Sue

[Cheryl in SD]

Do you ever see her alone? If so, ask her. Does she like the changes? Was it something she wanted to do for a long time or is this something she heels she has to do? Tell her you miss her as her home is no longer an extension of her personality but feels like a magazine layout. If you can, it might be nice to know why he got the divorce. She may get mad, but if you are caring in your attitude, it should either ease your mind or let you know that there really is a problem.

[albionjessica]

I have a friend who makes significant changes in her life and attitude with every new guy she dates. She dated a pastor's son and became meek, modest, and extremely religious. She dated a musician and became interested in learning to play instruments and sing, always wanting to go out to some club where her b/f was playing. She dated a guy who owned a tattoo shop, and she decided to get large tattoos and piercings all over her body. She dated an alcoholic, and guess what? She started heavily drinking.

I think some people might have a hard time either finding themselves or hanging onto whatever identity they have created, in order to please someone they are attracted to. I wouldn't butt into her personal life unless it was affecting your friendship. If she's suddenly pulling away from her friends and family, or the changes in her life are making her upset... then by all means have a talk with her. Otherwise, I'd just let it go.

[debra in ks]

Find out if she is happy. If so leave it alone...if not, be there for her.

[treesonggal]

If I read your post correctly, this woman was "long time" single and was "not involved". Maybe that means she spent all those years raising a daughter and building businesses and NOW it's her time. Or, maybe not.

You don't say how old she is or if she was ever married. People canSEEM to do some strange things - especially if they are now alone and not worrying about the wolf at the door, so to speak.

I have a friend who raised four children, a step son and many grandchildren. She divorced after 30 some years and now nearly EVERY aspect of her life has changed. Mosved from Michigan to Arizona; was Lutheran is now a Psychic and gives readings; dyed her hair, lost weight and became a vegetarian. She's had a few relationships but nothing long term until this last one - a many 17 years younger, alcoholic and insecure. They've broke up three times in 16 months and are now "reconciled" because they "share the same energy and past lives!"

Usually, I just listen when she calls or emails. Sometimes, when she's a cying wreck and ASKING for my imput, I tell her exactly what I think. She's always thankful and frequently refers to something I've said about "them" in later conversations. Now, even she says "time will tell."

And that is the only thing I'm certain of.


Soooo. I'd let it go but be there if she comes knocking.

[barnyardfun]

Originally Posted by Wind in Her Hair

whats a HS?

High School?

[BamaNana]

Originally Posted by Wind in Her Hair

oh.
I was thinking something much much more bizarre and creepy
like a
holistic schitzophrenic
or hijacking swineherd
or hymnsinging swinger
or hashish smoker
or something like that...

I guess I was guilty of thinking a little "too" outside the box.
sorry

[OkieDavid]

Time for the three question response.
1. Is what she is doing against the law?
2. Is what she is doing a danger to herself or someone else?
3. Is what she is doing a danger to someones property?

Answer: A "yes" to any of the above requires an action on your part. A "no" to the above and you mind your own business and stay out of it.

Life (both for the giver and receiver) would be much more pleasant if more people would make decisions based on that test........

[steff bugielski]

I have a close friend who was married twice had two children and met a wonderful man. She made me promise not to ever tell him of all the things we did when we were young. She felt he would not approve and that would mess up her chances of having a life with him. They now have three children and I think she is content. I have not seen or spoken to her in years and I guess she felt he would not approve of me either.
Sometimes we think we must change in order for that special someone to love us, like it was our fault for the past relationships to fail.
Not true but if she is ok with the change so be it.
I know how you feel though, I truly miss my friend.

[debra in ks]

Originally Posted by steff bugielski

I have a close friend who was married twice had two children and met a wonderful man. She made me promise not to ever tell him of all the things we did when we were young.

So we all want to know.....what DID you do when you were young???

[MarleneS]

I suppose it all depends on what sort of friendship you have with this friend. If you feel your friend will value your kindly sharing with her your concerns for her well being - and the honesty of the fact that you are not totally comfortable with the large changes in her lifestyle - by all means let her know. The difficult part will be doing so without saying anything that will make her feel that she must defend herself and her new relationship.

If she's happy -- step up and be the friend that is happy for her even if it means having to share her with someone you have not yet found a reason to like as much as you would want to like someone she is closely involved with.

The scary part is not knowing if you have what it takes to let her make her own decisions and choices, and perhaps seemingly slight you, and still know you are strong enough to be there for her if your fears become realities and she needs someone after the fall.

Hugs,
Marlene

[steff bugielski]

Well I grew up in the 70's enough said.