What to do when friendships are "unequal" :(

[hoggie]

I sincerely hope this won't be seen as a nasty post. But this is a dilemma with which I keep finding myself faced.

Amongst my friends here on the island, I have one friend in nparticular who worries me. She is my assistant at Rainbows, and views me as the best thing since sliced bread. I would say she probably considers me one of her best friends. Last year for her 40th birthday she spent the day with her fiancee, daughter and me and my DD. This year when she got married, DD, myself and one other adult were the only people present. So I guess I am fairly near the top of her Christmas card list. That is great. She is a nice person. But I am not into "clingy" friendships.

As a result I find it quite hard to deal with this. I find her DD a pain in the neck - she thinks mine is great. Apart form guiding we have nothing in common.

But she tries so hard. She is always offering to look after DD if I need time to myself ( I never "farm out" my DD to anyone)

It is getting to the stage where I jsut don't know quite what to do about it. I sort of feel that I am expected to be there and on "top form" all the time. With other friends, I can turn around and say " I feel like crud today" or whatever. But with her, I feel like I always have to be "high". A little while ago I mentioned that she might take over my rainbow unit if I gave up in a ocuple of years. She told me that if I gave up so would she. When I couldn't go on the training weekend a few weeks ago, she nearly didn't go saying it "wouldn't be the same without me"

Help!!! What do I do. She means well. And like I say, she is a nice enough person. I am just finding it a bit much.

She is coming around this afternoon to pick up some stuff, and I feel like I have to tidy away all of "our" life. Like I want it private and not something she is a party to. I know that sounds weird, but it is just what I feel.

|Any suggestions - please?

hoggie

[suzfromWi]

Honesty.....tell her how you feel, gently....She sounds a little needy to me...

[LvDemWings]

About the only thing you can do is be honest. Like if she offers to take your daughter. Thank her but say something like I really enjoy being with my daughter but I'll be sure to call you if I ever need a moment.

She says she will stop Rainbows. Your reply can be something like... thats a shame.

If you don't feel like doing something say so. If she stays home too that is her problem.

[Wisconsin Ann]

Hard one to deal with, that's certain. seems you have 3 choices.
1)sit her down for coffee/tea, ALONE so she doesn't feel any pressure to watch kids or something, and explain how you're feeling. "I'm very happy that we're friends, and that you're working with me at Rainbows..you're SO good with them you know...but

2)bite the bullet and just continue on as you have been (not a good solution for your nerves)

3) Tell her bluntly that she's driving you nuts with the clingyness.

now...hmmm...I believe that I'd opt for number 1 followed rapidly by number 3 if she doesn't get the hint. how to say it....

maybe sit her down for a cup of tea/coffee, ALONE so she doesn't have the problem of watching kids or worrying about anyone else, and tell her that while you enjoy her friendship, and like her a lot, you're feeling a bit closed in by her. Make sure she knows how good she is with the Rainbows. How much they like her.

sounds like she REALLY needs ego boosting for some reason. needs to feel that she's worth while. stress how great she is with her fiancee..how much he seems to love her (hope you don't have to lie about that....).

speaking of the husband....Would you feel comfortable talk with HIM about this? mentioning you're feeling a bit (i suppose "creeped out" isn't a good phrase here...) worried that she doesn't seem to have other friends? this might not be a good idea, depending on the guy.

I wonder what would happen if you started treating her like your other friends? (ignoring the feeling that she wants to think you're "perfect Patty". Just start being really honest with her. bluntly honest. "Delores, you're driving me nuts. You are a great person, and I enjoy your company, but sometimes you make me feel like you're hovering over me. closing me off. Like this morning,when I was expecting you, I felt like I had to clean everything away."

and then start to treat her like your other friends. Tell her you feel like crud when you do. Don't worry about how she feels about your foibles, your imperfections. She'll either react like an adult friend (laugh at you, tease you, understand) or she'll go away. I'm afraid there isn't much you can do if she chooses to go away.

Is it possible that she feels you need help with the farm, animals, DD, job, etc.? that she's honestly unaware of how capable some women can be? might be that she's been raised with the "women need help" idea. (I know a number of adult females here who think they can't do anything on their own)

Good luck, Hoggie. Dealing with anoverly friendly friend is a big problem. don't want to hurt them, but you really need your own space. OOOOo. maybe that's how to say it. "You're a great person, and I don't want to hurt you, but I don't know how to say this other than I'm feeling overwhelmed by you sometimes. "

[uncle Will in In.]

Stop acting bright eyed and bushy tailed all the time. If you feel like crud, share some with her. Quit trying to impress her. Just be an ordinary pain when that's how you feel.

[Wisconsin Ann]

Originally Posted by uncle Will in In.

Stop acting bright eyed and bushy tailed all the time. If you feel like crud, share some with her. Quit trying to impress her. Just be an ordinary pain when that's how you feel.

ya know....he's right stop changing the way you act. just be you. If she doesn't like it...well...tough.

[Ardie/WI]

Originally Posted by uncle Will in In.

Stop acting bright eyed and bushy tailed all the time. If you feel like crud, share some with her. Quit trying to impress her. Just be an ordinary pain when that's how you feel.

I agree with Will!

Also, I don't believe that talking to her about it will do anything but hurt her feelings. So.....adopt the "Oh, that's too bad" response to her declarations of not going to do something if you're not here. I taught a young woman that response last year when she was being overwhelmed by a person who was very clingy and needy too. She kept repeating that until, finally, that person got the hint.

When she offers to take your child, have plans or simply say you enjoy your alone time with her.

Most of all, like others say, be yourself! You don't have to be "up" all the time for anyone!

[Alice In TX/MO]

You said.....But with her, I feel like I always have to be "high."

Your thinking is what's causing you distress.

[Jenn]

I think it'd be better to deal with her possible (this is what makes you alter your behavior towards her, isnt it?) disappointment and dismay that you are a normal person not a goddess than her hurt at being told to back off. So let her see your messy (?) house, call her a nosey Parker if she asks something too personal, next time she volunteers to take your daughter ask if instead she'd do animal care for the day for you , and as above just say "That'd be a shame" for the guides etc if she stops something because you'll not be there. Maybe even proactively say "I can't make this meeting, I'm counting on you to cover for me...."

Push back a bit rather than withdraw completely is my advice, and beee yourself. Let her be a true friend on your terms if she's willing to accept that rather than reject her and her terms completely.

But what do I know, I had the hardest time making friends in England- my only true friends were the other Americans (some of them) and another few foreigners there and some garden club friends. (And she was making up for her lecherous husband.)

[Use Less]

Hi, She may not have any idea that you feel fake, bothered and annoyed, but she sounds very needy, so telling her could bring out worse. You can be in control of your life, and this semi-relationship if you want to. Think through what your actual limits are where she is concerned, and stick to them. It may take a long time to sink in. Or never. I would predict that at some point you may need to take a strong stand and close off the majority of your ties/access. Be careful of her if you do! Loving/idolizing can turn into hate/vengence easily. Sue

[WindowOrMirror]

I wonder if God looks at us and wonders to Himself if His relationship with us is unequal?

[hoggie]

HHmm - it isn't so much that I don't want her to know that I'm not perfect. I feel as if I want to keep her slightly different. I tidy up our craft things and such because, that is DD and my private stuff? I don't know if that makes any sense?

And about always needing to feel high - I think the biggest problem is that I feel guilty that I don't feel the same way about our friendship as she obviously does.

She obviously needs something from my friendship - I guess I'm not sure either what it is or whether I can provide it

It's not that I don't value her as a friend - like I sa - maybe I just feel guilty about it all

hoggie

[turtlehead]

Well, you can't control her and her behavior, you can only control yourself. Easy to say, difficult to internalize.

I truly think your stress is due to your feeling responsible for keeping a friendship at an unreasonable level. Unreasonable perfection, unreasonable involvement. Relax, and detach a bit. Decline some of her invitations and do more things without her. If she tries to invite herself along, say "I'm sorry, I need some time with just my family" or "I'm sorry, my family needs some time just to ourselves."

When you worry about hurting her feelings, you're trying to control her. Worry about controlling you. If her feelings *do* get hurt, it's her responsibility to deal with that, and let you know if she feels it's necessary. Your job is to be true to you. You can do this politely, you don't have to be mean to her. But it sounds like YOU need space and freedom to be human, and you're not giving that to yourself.

[turtlehead]

Okay, I hadn't seen your last post when I typed all that up.

I don't know what to tell you about ensuring your privacy. I do know what you're saying, but not sure how to deal with it. Maybe keep her visits centered around one place where you can keep things more formal or at least less intimate. Like the kitchen table or the living room.

Regarding guilt about not feeling the same as she does, that's HER issue. Give yourself permission to feel however you feel.

Regarding not knowing what she needs from the friendship nor how to give it, she's obviously getting it or she wouldn't keep coming around.

[Wisconsin Ann]

what turtlehead said.

Just be you. If you feel she intrudes somehow when she's in your house, keep the visits to HER house or the front room maybe. She should be concentrating more and more on her own family now that she's married and all. What about having other friends over at the same time this lady is over? have everyone over for tea some day soon. specially with Christmas coming up. make sure she sees how to interact with the others, as well as you.

If you do the "get together" thing, make sure she is on the same level as anyone else. don't let her be your "helper". Maybe something will shake loose there. new friends, new relationships?

[patnewmex]

Originally Posted by uncle Will in In.

Stop acting bright eyed and bushy tailed all the time. If you feel like crud, share some with her. Quit trying to impress her. Just be an ordinary pain when that's how you feel.

Uncle Will said it best.

Consider that you are the one putting pressure on the friendship, not her. Explore the "why" of why you have to feel on top/your best, etc. I think you will find out that you are doing this unnecessarily. I'd say that is what is happening because you have a "fan".

She sounds nice. I would not label her as clingy myself. That would indicate she wanted to spend a lot more time with you. Instead, she sounds generous and caring.

She may suffer from lack of a sufficient ego and self-esteem. These problems will NOT be helped if you sit her down to talk with her. It will only make things worse. I hope you don't resort to that.

Instead, start being honest w/yourself around her. Simple! The best thing you can do for the relationship (read: both of you) is to BE YOURSELF and stop trying to be the best role model/mentor. Just be you. If you need space, kindly tell whomever that you need it, and so on.

I'd rather have a friend like her than...than some of the "friends" I have now!

Pat

Edited to add: Now that I see your second post which clarifies the problem, I can see that you need to do a bit of self-examination. She is not the one making the relationship "uneasy" for you, you are. She obviously GETS a lot from you already! No friendship needs to be measured in terms of equality. That is your own shortcoming.

(Remember the song "don't worry, be happy!")

[kidsnchix]

I think I understand about you wanting to keep your things private, from her I mean. I had a "friend" who was very clingy. If I gardened, then she would grow a garden, then tell me what I was doing wrong. Then when it came to canning, I showed her how to can vegetables and she would proceed to find a "better" way to do it, even if she did lose all her canned corn. Then I started making soap and she wanted me to teach her, and the list goes on and on. Until I finally realized she just wanted me to do all the work and her take the "goodies" home. I am married and have kids and she is single, and the worst part of all this is that she was jealous of my time with my then school-age children. Needless to say, that we've finally parted company. She was very demanding of my time and I just didn't have it to give.

RoseKYTN

[MarleneS]

Be honest with who you are and always attempt to be yourself. After all the only person you can change is yourself ...accept that it might actually take your friend awhile, if ever, to figure out that you aren't as into her as she is in to her. If you do this it will not actually be you hurting her feelings.

Hugs,
Marlene