My mom is driving me NUTS!!! (vent)

BarbG · #1 10/19/07, 12:45 AM

She plays favorites with my children. Levi is her 'Favorite' and she babies him and totally ignores his older brother. TOTALLY. To the point that he's stopped trying to interact with her and we see them VERY rarely. We saw her tonight at my sisters and she did it again. I cut the boys hair around their ears this morning and told Jed to go show gramma his haircut. She was playing with his cuz but not anything fulltime that he would have been interupping. He went over there and tried to get her attention for almost 1 minute. (maybe longer) and she did not even LOOK at him. He's 3 so he went to show his auntie intsead. I wanted to SCREAM at her. She also, one of the last times we were there called him by his older cuz's name 3 times in less then 20 minutes. My mom is in her 50's.

Then Levi and his cuz were playing and she pushed him and yelled at him (she's 21 months and her folks have very little control over her, which is a shame cos she is a smart little thing). Anyway Levi leans over and does what she tried to do to him several times. Bite her. I was watching and grabbed him up and out of the room to paddle him (he's 2.5 and knows better). I took him into the bathroom, talked to him, paddled him and then brought him out to say sorry to his cuz. He did. And gramma steps in and it's "poor Levi come cuddle with Gramma.' Mom(me) sees red!!!! Gramma has just turned ME into the bad guy!!! After gramma's done cuddling she's talking to Levi and cuz and trying to get them to decided what to play and I told Levi to come to me. I normally would have cuddled with him after the paddle and 'saying sorry' before I'd let him go play again. In part to heal between us and in part to help him settle and be able to play nicely again. And GRAMMA has his arm.. shoots ME a dirty look and keeps him there. After I called him 4 times she let him go. Still shooting ME dirty looks. This is why we have very little to do with them these days.

Dh and I seem to have to FIGHT to raise our children the way we think is best from everything to how many we have to the fact that we don't want them drinking coke products. I'm so fed up I'm ready to cut them all off and turn bush man/woman. We plan on homeschooling and so we get lectures about socializing our kids. We homechurch so we get flack for not being 'regular churchgoers'. We want to get a milk cow and we get grilled about how I'm going handle milking with 3 kids while pregnant and being tied down. We get drilled about everything and anything. But this thing with my mom has pushed my patience level to the END. We not been over there more then a handfull of times in the last 6 months and we get flack for that. Everytime we go over there we end up leaving disapointed or MAD because of the way she treats them and us.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm still mad. LOL.

Everyone one of us has a choice to how we raise our children and what we think is best for them. I respect yours choices, please respect mine.

Oh and beleive it or not. LOL. This is the side we are friendly with. The other side (dh's) is MUCH worse. We know Grandparents are good for kids. But how do you deal with them when they drive you crazy/are bossy and play favorites??? Our kids already only have contact once a year from dh's side (their choice not ours) and we want them to have a relationship with both sides but if something doesn't happen soon it's not going to happen with either side.

Ok I feel better now. Thanks. BarbG

Rory · #2 10/19/07, 03:12 AM

As young as your kids are, quite frankly I'd cut your family off too until your family becomes respectful of your wishes. These are your kids and this is your family. Getting mixed messages from gramma and cuz and mom and dad could be tough. Maybe just let your contact with them fade.

Don't get me wrong, family is very important to me too. However, family or stranger, if they behave a certain way, I don't go.

I used to get a lot of flack from my family too because we want to homeschool and we homechurch as well, oh, and we live on a little farm and fed goat's milk to the baby and have chickens and on and on and on... Point is, my folks live two states away and we visit rarely because of cigarette smoke and TV and cussing. For me, they show me/us a lack of respect for our lifestyle and continue to undermine our wishes so we just don't see them very often. Luckily, it's difficult to travel so far with a 2 yo and a 1 yo, and my folks don't care to make the drive to SD either.

Good luck whatever you choose.

Quint · #3 10/19/07, 04:13 AM

If it were me I wouldn't let her see the kids until she learned how to act. If she doesn't like it tough. They're not her kids and she isn't their parent and she doesn't have some "right" to see them.

Wildwood Flower · #4 10/19/07, 04:39 AM

I'm so sorry this is happening in your family--mostly for your Mom--she doesn't know what she's missing. I have no advice. I do think you have to do what is in your heart with your own kids.

It's very sad when parents or grandparents play favorites or compare children. Very damaging.

suzfromWi · #5 10/19/07, 05:30 AM

Playing Devils advocate here for a minute...Does she think you baby the older child? I know for a fact that my DD babied her pretty DD and not the older not so pretty one. So I gave more time to the odd one out...Sometimes parents play favorites without realizing it. Now having said that, that still wouldnt excuse her treatment of the older child or her going against your wishes. All I can say is for you to make your rules clear to her. Tell her she is hurting the older child and you will not tolerate that. If she doesnt comply then they should not see the children.

MorrisonCorner · #6 10/19/07, 05:36 AM

I think maybe in the future I would treat mom like I'd treat a child.. not call to Levi and expect him to come to you (he can't, he's attached!) but physically get up and fetch the child. Since we now know that after discipline Grandma may well swoop in, not return to the group until Levi is settled. In short, use your body as a shield and sword.

I think this is probably not an uncommon problem. If nobody else has the guts to say it, I will: there are children (and people) we are attracted to, and children within the same household that challenge us and we don't feel the same affection for. As adults it is our job to keep things as balanced as possible, but some people don't do that well. So it is up to other adults to help them do it.

I would also, however, step back and take a good look at your children. If one of your children is more demanding, physical, vocal, aggressive, whatever, than the other grandma (or any other adult) may naturally be attracted to the child which displays a certain set of characteristics. Whether that is the sweet quiet kid, or the outspoken colorful one. And if this is the case, rather than deprive that kid of the special relationship with Grandma, it might be better to seek out another older adult who would find your other child (children) special and charming.

Speaking as an adult in the "Aunt" position it is exhausting to have to balance the wildly different needs of two (let alone more than two) children... one of whom is demanding (which appears selfish and self centered) and the other of whom seems to always get the left overs. Number one gets all the new stuff, number two gets it after number one has completely trashed it. But if number two gets something new, number one expects equal treatment... number one doesn't see that number two is being slighted, and why should he? Mom sees "playing favorite" with the second child. Not entirely true... "balancing out" is more like it, but it isn't perceived that way.

So while you may see "favorite" (and I'm not saying you're entirely wrong) your mother may see the second child as slighted and be trying to make up for it. Or she may have issues of her own with birth order and be trying to make up for something she missed in her own childhood.

Regardless, if it is something you don't like you have three choices:

Cut mom off entirely.

Use yourself as a shield to control the interaction between mom and your children.

Find another adult to be the special "grandparent" figure to your other children and allow grandma her special grandchild and accept this as a unique bond between this particular child and a grandparent.

JJ Grandits · #7 10/19/07, 06:36 AM

Mom is screwing up the relationship between you and your son and his brother. Have a frank talk with mom and tell her either it stops or you will write her out of your life. I've seen to many people hanging on to caustic relationships and then pay an extremely heavy price later on for their "family devotion". Your only thoughts should be about your sons, nothing else matters.

Reptyle · #8 10/19/07, 06:47 AM

You're letting your kids play with others that bite and whose parents have no control and they become victims of this other child.

You're letting your Mom get away with playing favorites amongst the kids to the point where the kids have started to notice it.

You're the adult, but somehow your kids are the ones handling the situations.

Homechurch? Cool.

Homeschool? I don't blame you.

Milk cow? Wish I could get one.

How about demonstrating to the kids that Mom knows how to handle other situations than just paddling their butts when they step out of line?

MtnGranny · #9 10/19/07, 06:52 AM

I agree you need to talk to her. When my 3 boys were young, I had an issue with my MIL disciplining while we were in the same room. My ex talked to her about it and it solved the problem. But my own mother showed favoritism to my youngest and since she lived far away and only saw them once a year, I ignored it. Bad decision. My oldest has had self esteem problems for years and didn't come out of it until he was about 25.

Tricky Grama · #10 10/19/07, 07:20 AM

This type of thing has gone on since Eve, I'm sure. We've nearly all had to deal w/behaviors like this.

My mom showed such favoritism to my daughter over my younger son & I had to sit her down & tell her I would NOT accept another gift for DD until she began giving equally to both. She acted like she had NO idea...but she complied.

Sometimes you have to teach people how to treat you.

Good luck-
Patty

Ardie/WI · #11 10/19/07, 08:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Reptyle

You're letting your kids play with others that bite and whose parents have no control and they become victims of this other child.

You're letting your Mom get away with playing favorites amongst the kids to the point where the kids have started to notice it.

You're the adult, but somehow your kids are the ones handling the situations.

Homechurch? Cool.

Homeschool? I don't blame you.

Milk cow? Wish I could get one.

How about demonstrating to the kids that Mom knows how to handle other situations than just paddling their butts when they step out of line?

I think that Reptyle will fall over in a faint, BUT I agree with him!

Take control of the situation.

My deceased mother played favorites all her life and I regret exposing my children to her hatefulness to this day. Don't allow your family around your children.

dixiegal62 · #12 10/19/07, 08:52 AM

I have 3 granddaughters, I try not to play favorites but I will admit one gd I am more attached to, my youngest gd while I love her is harder to spend time with, when you try to hold her and hug her she hits, she does not know the meaning of 'no' and shes not made too, she is allowed to take thing from her older sister and the older sister has to give up things for her they are 2&3 yo. When other kids are around the youngest will take things from them and bite and hit. I feel bad for the oldest well behaved child. I guess that would make me a bad gm in some eyes

BarbG · #13 10/19/07, 02:20 PM

Originally Posted by Reptyle
You're letting your kids play with others that bite and whose parents have no control and they become victims of this other child.

You're letting your Mom get away with playing favorites amongst the kids to the point where the kids have started to notice it.

You're the adult, but somehow your kids are the ones handling the situations.

The kid who bites also gets paddled for it. They have very little control over her but they do not allow her to hurt others. She does throw fits regualarly but my kids all know that that is not something to try.

My mom is/has been losing time with them because of this for several months. Other then cut her off totally or talk to her about it. Which from prior expereance will cut her off no matter how we do it as she is very 'hurt' if you talk to her about anything and takes offence at EVERYTHING. I really don't know what else to do with her. The last time I 'talked' to her about something she ASKED me about. She refused to speak to me for almost a month and is still short with me now 6 months later. And I cannot just cut the whole family off because of her. Last night was a family birthday tradition with the girls.

MorrisonCorner said' I think maybe in the future I would treat mom like I'd treat a child.. not call to Levi and expect him to come to you (he can't, he's attached!) but physically get up and fetch the child. Since we now know that after discipline Grandma may well swoop in, not return to the group until Levi is settled. In short, use your body as a shield and sword."

I like this but again anything that I do that is phyiscal towards my mom will just infuriate her. And my mom infuriated is NOT something I hope my children will ever have to see again. Last time she and I 'talked' she started screaming at me in FRONT of them and I had to bang my hand on the table and yell at her to stop before she quit. There are VERY good reasons why we should/have had almost nothing to do with her. But this may work in a situation with a lot of people as she will not 'blow her top' when she feels it will not benift her. But it will not stop her from acting hurt and making a big fuss to get sympathy.

suzfromWi said Playing Devils advocate here for a minute...Does she think you baby the older child? I know for a fact that my DD babied her pretty DD and not the older not so pretty one. So I gave more time to the odd one out...Sometimes parents play favorites without realizing it.

No I make a huge effort to make sure this does not happen. If anything I lean more towards Levi myself and have to make sure I treat them the same. Levi is our 'sweetheart' of the family so far. He's the shy, scared easily bruised child and I see why she's attracted to him. Most people are. He is reserved with people and that makes them all want to 'get to know him' while Jed is outgoing and talkative and warms up to people fast. That being said. He's not the type to make a pain of himself. Dh and I make sure he knows when to quit and to stay out of peoples faces. MC I think that covers your post too. Everyone is drawn to Levi but most people realize what they are doing and make a point of giving Jed his attention as well. She does not. We have hinted to her some but she either chooses to not hear us or doesn't care.

Repyle said How about demonstrating to the kids that Mom knows how to handle other situations than just paddling their butts when they step out of line?
I am trying to handle it. But I was not going to get into it at a Birthday party without my dh and in front of my kids. I believe that my mom does stuff like that in front of my sisters without the men present for a reason and I'm not going to play that game with her. My mom is green with envy because my dh and I have a wonderful relationship which she believes should be her and I. She believes that I'm degrading myself when I put my dh as the head of our household and tries to trap me into making decisions without him. This is not a new thing. My sister has the same problem with her. Dh and I make it a point to ALWAYS be united with her. She hates it. The last 'talk' we had was in the middle of the day. Without dh. She came to my house. It took me an hour to figure out why she was mad. Then it was because I had 'insulted her' because I told her that she was bossing me around. Another bad habit we are trying to break. Be critical all you want but try and see my side as well. 4 kids, 3 of them mine, 2 pregnant ladies, one ----ed off Gramma and another lady who already had an emotional day. No dh's and LOTS of emotions. NOT a good time to try and change things.

Thanks for all you advice. Dh and I are going to have to do something soon. Moving is not an option at this point. But setting down boundries is going to have to happen very soon or this is just going to get worse. And yes it will be all 4 of us. We will respect my dad as the head of their house even if she won't.

Ardie/WI · #14 10/19/07, 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BarbG

Originally Posted by Reptyle
You're letting your kids play with others that bite and whose parents have no control and they become victims of this other child.

You're letting your Mom get away with playing favorites amongst the kids to the point where the kids have started to notice it.

You're the adult, but somehow your kids are the ones handling the situations.

The kid who bites also gets paddled for it. They have very little control over her but they do not allow her to hurt others. She does throw fits regualarly but my kids all know that that is not something to try.

My mom is/has been losing time with them because of this for several months. Other then cut her off totally or talk to her about it. Which from prior expereance will cut her off no matter how we do it as she is very 'hurt' if you talk to her about anything and takes offence at EVERYTHING. I really don't know what else to do with her. The last time I 'talked' to her about something she ASKED me about. She refused to speak to me for almost a month and is still short with me now 6 months later. And I cannot just cut the whole family off because of her. Last night was a family birthday tradition with the girls.

MorrisonCorner said' I think maybe in the future I would treat mom like I'd treat a child.. not call to Levi and expect him to come to you (he can't, he's attached!) but physically get up and fetch the child. Since we now know that after discipline Grandma may well swoop in, not return to the group until Levi is settled. In short, use your body as a shield and sword."

I like this but again anything that I do that is phyiscal towards my mom will just infuriate her. And my mom infuriated is NOT something I hope my children will ever have to see again. Last time she and I 'talked' she started screaming at me in FRONT of them and I had to bang my hand on the table and yell at her to stop before she quit. There are VERY good reasons why we should/have had almost nothing to do with her. But this may work in a situation with a lot of people as she will not 'blow her top' when she feels it will not benift her. But it will not stop her from acting hurt and making a big fuss to get sympathy.

suzfromWi said Playing Devils advocate here for a minute...Does she think you baby the older child? I know for a fact that my DD babied her pretty DD and not the older not so pretty one. So I gave more time to the odd one out...Sometimes parents play favorites without realizing it.

No I make a huge effort to make sure this does not happen. If anything I lean more towards Levi myself and have to make sure I treat them the same. Levi is our 'sweetheart' of the family so far. He's the shy, scared easily bruised child and I see why she's attracted to him. Most people are. He is reserved with people and that makes them all want to 'get to know him' while Jed is outgoing and talkative and warms up to people fast. That being said. He's not the type to make a pain of himself. Dh and I make sure he knows when to quit and to stay out of peoples faces. MC I think that covers your post too. Everyone is drawn to Levi but most people realize what they are doing and make a point of giving Jed his attention as well. She does not. We have hinted to her some but she either chooses to not hear us or doesn't care.

Repyle said How about demonstrating to the kids that Mom knows how to handle other situations than just paddling their butts when they step out of line?
I am trying to handle it. But I was not going to get into it at a Birthday party without my dh and in front of my kids. I believe that my mom does stuff like that in front of my sisters without the men present for a reason and I'm not going to play that game with her. My mom is green with envy because my dh and I have a wonderful relationship which she believes should be her and I. She believes that I'm degrading myself when I put my dh as the head of our household and tries to trap me into making decisions without him. This is not a new thing. My sister has the same problem with her. Dh and I make it a point to ALWAYS be united with her. She hates it. The last 'talk' we had was in the middle of the day. Without dh. She came to my house. It took me an hour to figure out why she was mad. Then it was because I had 'insulted her' because I told her that she was bossing me around. Another bad habit we are trying to break. Be critical all you want but try and see my side as well. 4 kids, 3 of them mine, 2 pregnant ladies, one ----ed off Gramma and another lady who already had an emotional day. No dh's and LOTS of emotions. NOT a good time to try and change things.

Thanks for all you advice. Dh and I are going to have to do something soon. Moving is not an option at this point. But setting down boundries is going to have to happen very soon or this is just going to get worse. And yes it will be all 4 of us. We will respect my dad as the head of their house even if she won't.

My question is WHY in heavens name do you want this mess in your life or in the lives of your children!

Sometimes, we have to remove people from our lives even if it hurts. We also have to realize that our families will never be the people we want and they will never treat us with love and respect.

Grandmotherbear · #15 10/19/07, 05:10 PM

Been there. Dealt with that. Coped with the fallout. My dd almost committed suicide once at age 11 because my mother targeted her. She was out of our lives 5 years and i wish now it had been for good.Your children don;t this emotional trauma. Make friends who have the same values you do and let those be the adults they are exposed to.

pheasantplucker · #16 10/19/07, 06:44 PM

It's hard to do, but IMO you need to "lay down the law" with her. You can be firm but nice, and tell her that her favoritism is blatant and that her undermining your authority will not be tolerated. My former mother in law has around 35 grandchildren (four of them are my children). Grandma has a gift of making every single one of her grandkids think they are her favorite. You might wish to disclose that making all of her grandchildren feel that way might be the most wonderful thing a grandparent (or parent) could ever do for their family. Good luck, and if she doesn't change her tune, I'd say it's time to say "farewell".